Watching (aka babysitting) grandchildren: do you charge?

[jdb in AZ]

When my son was a baby my DMIL offered to pay us for the privilege of babysitting him. Her other grand kids lived out of state, so DMIL was enthralled with having a local kiddo. Fast forward (where does the time go?) When the son grew up and had kids of his own he couldn't understand why I didn't jump at the chance to provide full-time day care.

 

[tzolkin]

That’s my thing. I’m not a grandparent, but I can’t imagine asking my child for money for any reason (even though he’s still a child now). If I felt like I was being taken advantage of, I might say no to watching them in certain situations but not if it were to go to work.

I lean toward the same, but I think it depends on the situation. I couldn't imagine asking my child for money, but I also can't imagine them just assuming I would do a full-time job for them without pay. My adult kids are super independent and I don't think they would feel comfortable with a grandparent providing full-time childcare for free unless they were in a situation where they truly needed the financial help (in which case, I would happily do so).

Personally, I think accepting full-time childcare without ever offering any compensation when you can well afford it is taking advantage.

Might make me a bad grandma, but I wouldn't want to watch a small child 5 days a week. Of course there are times, a great need would change my mind, but in a case just to save some money for mom and dad, no thank you. I know me, I'd go into hyper watch mode and not relax until parents came for child. I'd be exhausted after a few weeks. Years ago, someone ask me (not for free) to watch her child. I said no. She said her mom doesn't want to either. LOL We had both agreed a few days a week was fine, not everyday. But in the end, he went to a nursery.

I think some people underestimate what is involved in childcare, especially for an infant. I remember when my youngest was 4 and my brother and sister-in-law were about to have a baby. My brother just assumed that I was going to provide them with full time childcare because, "you just sit at home all day anyway". I told them that I purposely chose to not have any more children because I did not want to care for another baby, so I certainly wouldn't be watching theirs for 12 hours a day.

I would provide full time childcare for a grandchild if I had to because my child needed the help, but I don't think I would offer unless it was necessary. Maybe that will change in the future, but I consider babies to be a full-time exhausting and stressful job.

My mom watches our 5 year old some Saturday nights for a few hours. She doesn't ask for money and we don't offer. We do other things for her - spend evenings with her (my dad died and she is lonely), take her out to dinner, take care of the pool/yard/house tasks that she can't do, etc.

I think that is a completely different thing. To me, that's grandparent quality time. My husband and I look forward to spending time with potential future grandchildren. Taking them for a few hours, a weekend, or even a week-long vacation would be a pleasure. I don't see it at all in the same light as providing free full-time childcare.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Obviously those who utilized daycare would have a difference of opinion on daycare...

Can hate me all you want over my opinion, it's not going to change.

Nah I don't hate you, I just understand you're utilizing a stereotype from decades ago and are clinging to it. But I do find it at odds (like other things you say over time) with your writings of sacrifices you have made for your ex-wife and children. You seem to not see the hypocrisy of that when speaking about what parents may have to do to provide for their children.

 

[HopperFan]

I’ve been watching my darling GS daily. I thought about it, a decided to ask my DD for a small amount weekly. I just thought about how busy my GS is and it’s not always easy. So I thought a couple of bucks (so granny can get her me time) wouldn’t be terrible. After all I’m saving them a TON!

This is not watching the grands while parents go out or a doctor's appointment or for parents to take a short trip. You are committed to watching your grandchild every day, you are a hired babysitter. You give up most your personal time each day to a babysitting commitment.

I know. I committed to my sister to watch her child every day, when she was two my sister had twins. While she scaled back work I continued to watch all three several days a week. My days were theirs, not mine. She paid me. Did she pay me what she would at a nursery, no, we are family, I treated them as my own. But my time was committed to them as they needed.

So I didn't vote because each situation is different.
~ If you watch them in your home, pay yes but a reduced amount from commercial daycare, if you are doing everyday things you need to do like laundry, cleaning etc as you would if it were your own child.
~ If you watch them in their home then the pay scale goes up, you travel to them, you give up your entire day, you can't get any of your homework done.
~ If you live with them and don't pay rent, then yes that could be a fair exchange. I am from an area with multi-generations lived together and the grands were the day care while the parents worked. It takes a village lived strong in these homes.
~ If you live with them and pay rent, then yes they should pay you for your time, or adjust the rent.
~ Now if you want to babysit and don't to be paid, that is okay too. Every situation is different. But if you would like to be paid something for your commitment, that is very reasonable. And parents who balks at paying grandparents but want the free daycare .............

 

[goofyernmost]

Sure you're saving them money but do you really want to look at it like that?

I don't see an issue with coming to an agreement on pay, the child is basically in an in-home daycare. However, when it comes to situations like these (with family watching the child(ren)) I think there's a lot more that's involved. Are there other things they do for you in lieu of money that show their gratification? Do you need the money financially? Do you need the money to feel appreciated? Do you need to scale back a day or so to give yourself a break?

I read an interesting blog/story/article that had the gist that this whole "raising a village" it doesn't exist any more because the village doesn't want to help or logistically can't and the pandemic has only made it so much worse (with some of it coming from pandemic-related society changes). I only bring that up because it's something a decent amount of posters bring up in various threads.

I understand and agree with your opinion, but I do recognise that it is easy to take advantage of "free" baby sitting. I retired and although my life isn't a mad dash from one event to the other, I do need my own time. I already raised my children, it's their turn and part of absolute responsibility of the parents not the grandparents.

We have no say in how they are raised and your kids always think they know more about how to do it, then you do, so they should raise their own kids. I sometimes cringe and wonder what is going to happen in the future, but it isn't my place to speak up about it (unless it's child abuse, of course). I had plans for my retirement. Things I couldn't do while raising our children. As much as I enjoy and love my grandchildren, I am not their parent. In the event of financial problems, I am more than happy to help out, but if they going to expensive restaurants or socially busy and I can't do anything because I'm busy taking care of their offspring. There will be a lot of declining services happening as soon as I suspect that I am being used.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I do recognise that it is easy to take advantage of "free" baby sitting.

I agree with you that's why I put in there about feeling appreciated. It's all too easy for both sides to sorta become complacent in the status quo. No one truly wants resentment.

 

[liamthompson]

I believe childcare (and other domestic labor) is one of those things that society deems "free" but is actually quantifiable physical and emotional labor. If you feel you deserve to be compensated for your work, then I see no problem with asking. This is the same as asking for a raise when you feel you are being underpaid.

But I agree with some previous posters that this is dependent on your daughter's financial situation. Can she afford to pay you? Even if she can't, I think it's still worthwhile to point out that your labor is not free and has tangible cost (i e. cost of daycare in your area) I don't think this is "mean", it's just recognizing your value. Of course your daughter is also doing this free labor by mothering her child, and that deserves to be recognized the same way.

 

[megsters]

My mom was laid off due to a merger in Jan 2020, found out I was pregnant in Feb 2020, and we all know what happened in March 2020. Her position has been absorbed into other things, and it's not really a thing anymore.

It wasn't planned, but my mom takes our little every day.

We do pay her. It's not a LOT, but she gets some funny money, and she's saving us TONS.

I didn't grow up near my grandparents, so I'm thankful my babe has the opportunity to be so close to his.

 

[georgina]

I watch grandson a few hours one day a week, occasionally on weekends. I am also available on short notice when nanny is sick or something comes up like DD has to head out of town early in the morning. I went over to watch him at 5 AM last week, nanny starts at 8:30. We kept him at our house for a few days when he was sick and needed some extra holding and care. I would never regularly do it 5 days a week!

We moved to this area specifically to be near them. DD and SIL both have demanding jobs so we want to help out. Other grandparents are also fairly close by.

 

[bluezy]

I babysit our grandson one day a week (about 6 hours). I also babysat our granddaughter (same family) 1 day a week from the time she was 6 mos. old until she started Kindergarten. I don't want to be paid for it, but my son does usually pick up lunch on his way to our house to drop off his son (he get dropped off around noon), so that's my "pay". I made it clear from day 1 that I have no desire to babysit full-time and that 1 day a week is my limit (unless there are special circumstances). Fortunately, my son works from home (has for 10 years now) and can really set his own schedule. His wife is a nurse practitioner, so she sometimes has weird hours. My son doesn't typically start working until at least 4:00 p.m., so the day I babysit, he usually uses those 3-4 hours of alone time to do work or chores that are challenging to do with a baby around. If for some reason I changed my mind and started babysitting my grandchildren full time, I would expect some type of compensation -- preferably in the form of a cleaning lady and a meal-delivery service. Seriously though, assuming my kids weren't in a difficult financial situation, I would want to be paid for babysitting all week and I would state that up front. I wouldn't need to be paid as much as it would cost them for a nanny or day care, but I would want *something*. But I doubt that will ever happen because I'm exhausted after spending 6 hours with one grandchild! With 5 kids of our own, we could end up with a dozen grandchildren and I don't want to be a babysitter for the next 20 years.

I worked full time until our 2 oldest children were about 8 & 10 so they were either with a babysitter or at day care during those years. When I was pregnant with baby #3 (of 5), I stopped working outside of the home. I've been home with our children (our youngest is a senior in high school this year) for 25 years now and frankly, I'm ready to just worry about me for awhile. My husband plans to retire in the next 3-4 years and we want to be able to do whatever we feel like doing. I don't want to be tied down to a full-time babysitting job. We've worked hard for my husband to be able to retire at 55ish and we didn't do that so we could sit at home and babysit for free all week.

 

[CdnCarrie]

Tis why we struggled. We raised our own kids with one parent being home with them. It was a struggle but the love of money wasn't there to send our kids off to be raised by someone else and to not be a burden on our own parents who had to work anyways because they weren't old.

Obviously those who utilized daycare would have a difference of opinion on daycare...

Can hate me all you want over my opinion, it's not going to change.

What a rude comment.

 

[Magical2017]

I don't have grandchildren yet. If my parent was the primary caregiver and watched the child(ren), I would pay them well to do so. I think if the grandparent is respectful of their child's wishes it can work out well. I have seen some grandparents completely ignore what their child wanted and it caused problems with the relationship. Others have had a fantastic experience.

 

[kymom99]

My friend has helped with her grandchildren daily. Her comment is that she hates to miss social gatherings but they won’t be young forever. Here’s the thing. She has also said her babies won’t ride a school bus. Well, that means she will be picking them up daily until they graduate high school, or at least get a drivers license. The oldest is in 4th grade and the youngest is maybe in K? So that’s a lot of years of tying herself to being there for them. Did I mention her husband is pushing 80? I feel that her daughter is taking advantage, but I also believe it’s her job to set boundaries.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

She has also said her babies won’t ride a school bus.

So the mother of the children said this or the grandmother who is watching them said this?

In my area you don't get free transit unless you live 2 1/2 miles away from each perspective school. In my house none of the schools would qualify for that. Although if you attend a different high school than your assigned one because you're doing one of the programs offered at another school you can qualify for free as well as if you qualify for free or reduced lunch. The cost if doing it early is $217.50 per year, the cost if doing it during regular registration is $290 per year/$145 for one semester. They used to do it by calculating a discount for the number of children in the school district but have stopped doing that. This is the cost per child.

Unfortunately the school district my house is in is experiencing such a bus driver shortage that they have now done rolling blockouts of service one day a week for certain routes where even if you're paying for the bus service you'll have to find alternative rides.

That said I knew people growing up where their parents didn't want them to ride the bus for personal reasons so I know the other side of that conversation. Other than elementary school where I could walk I rode the bus until my second semester of my senior year when I got my car.

 

[Magical2017]

Tis why we struggled. We raised our own kids with one parent being home with them. It was a struggle but the love of money wasn't there to send our kids off to be raised by someone else and to not be a burden on our own parents who had to work anyways because they weren't old.

This is a completely different situation. Your own parents were working so it was not an option for you to have a grandparent care for them. What was the point of your other comments? Parenting is hard, period. Utilizing childcare does not mean someone else is raising the child. I assume you homeschooled since sending children to school would mean the teachers raised them? I get it, I was a SAHM when my kids were little. When the kids were teens DH took off for a bit to be a SAHD. I know that when one of us worked full time outside the home and the other was a SAHP we both still "raised" our children. Same thing when they went to school.

 

[tvguy]

We could never charge to watch our Granddaughters. They moved 400 miles away so no much opportunity to help out. Their Grandmother on their moms side watches them for free. She lives 2 miles from them.
My mom watched our kids full time from birth to age 2 1/2 for the oldest, and birth to age 3 1/2 for the youngest. We did not pay her, but we did buy her things as a thanks. Bought her a microwave, a new TV, gas for her car, etc.

 

[kymom99]

So the mother of the children said this or the grandmother who is watching them said this?

In my area you don't get free transit unless you live 2 1/2 miles away from each perspective school. In my house none of the schools would qualify for that. Although if you attend a different high school than your assigned one because you're doing one of the programs offered at another school you can qualify for free as well as if you qualify for free or reduced lunch. The cost if doing it early is $217.50 per year, the cost if doing it during regular registration is $290 per year/$145 for one semester. They used to do it by calculating a discount for the number of children in the school district but have stopped doing that. This is the cost per child.

Unfortunately the school district my house is in is experiencing such a bus driver shortage that they have now done rolling blockouts of service one day a week for certain routes where even if you're paying for the bus service you'll have to find alternative rides.

That said I knew people growing up where their parents didn't want them to ride the bus for personal reasons so I know the other side of that conversation. Other than elementary school where I could walk I rode the bus until my second semester of my senior year when I got my car.

Grandma said it. And said it with a distain that I almost took offense to it. I will say that her daughter grew up able to walk to school. Not everyone can do that. My son rode a school bus because I needed him to do that. He survived and never minded it. In our area school buses are provided to anyone who needs a ride free of charge except in some of the smaller independent districts.

 

[NotUrsula]

If care of your granchild is a regularly scheduled thing that you structure your own weekly schedule around, then you absolutely should be paid, and paid well; if not market rate then at least 75% or so.

If you don't feel comfortable exchanging cash, then your DD should be offering to take on some of your expenses to compensate (when we were in this situation with a MIL who felt awkward accepting cash, we paid for her cable, her cell phone, her yard-work service, and bought her regular gift cards for use at her hairdresser's; we also put a new roof on her house and replaced a few major appliances when that was needed. We also gave her lots of gift cards for gasoline and kid-friendly restaurants, and bought memberships that included her (incl. parking) at our local zoo, botanical garden and children's museum so that she could take DS any time she wanted at no cost.

Babysitting for free as an occasional favor is a generous thing to do for a loved one, but not being compensated for regularly scheduled work-hours childcare is being taken advantage of (unless extraordinary circumstances -- like perhaps medical debt -- have put the child's parents in a tight financial bind.)

 

[tzolkin]

Grandma said it. And said it with a distain that I almost took offense to it.

Yup, that's how it is where we live now as well. Among a certain group, it's considered a defining characteristic of being a "good mom" that you drive your kids to school and they do not ride the bus. They believe it's an indicator of how much you love your children and shows that you prioritize them and make sure that your entire life revolves around their schedule. When my kids were younger and I used to volunteer at school, I always got a kick out of how absolutely horrified the other moms would be by some of my parenting choices.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

We also gave her lots of gift cards for gasoline and kid-friendly restaurants, and bought memberships that included her (incl. parking) at our local zoo, botanical garden and children's museum so that she could take DS any time she wanted at no cost.

I think that should be viewed as not something for your mother-in-law but rather for your son. Their focus is on things she can do to entertain and enrich your child but not something for her herself and IMO should be part of the costs associated with having someone else do this for your child in general whether it's a one time, occasionally or habitual.

I would view that similar to costs one may find for daycare or babysitting in general. For instance when I was young the times I had a babysitter my mom would leave extra cash just for the babysitter to have for flexibility in what activities to do sometimes that was going to the movies, sometimes it was going to a nearby (as in walking distance) Jungle Jim's. These were not things that the babysitter or daycare provider should have to pay for.

But I do think it's nice the other things you've done although I would say replacing someone's roof and purchasing multiple major appliances is probably a bit more extreme of an example. Most people can barely get their own roofs replaced as well as replacing their own appliances so doing so for a family member because they watch your child is probably a bit over the top in practical nature. But I still this it was a nice gesture to do.