Watching (aka babysitting) grandchildren: do you charge?

[notatallmagic]

Sensitive issue/topic for me - still after many years...

I was the only one of my four siblings who had children and lived in the same town with our widowed mom. When I became a single parent, my mom asked to watch my kids, and my siblings told her/me that wasn't ALLOWED, since it wouldn't be "fair". So I paid over 30% of my income for daycare for two preschoolers; they were in daycare 12 hours/day, with my retired mom lonely and two blocks away.

She even had to "ask permission" from my siblings to watch them one day/week during the summer - and those moments were some of my kids' happiest childhood memories (yes, I get the disfunction).

I found out later that she used to sneak over to their daycare (the ladies there were wonderful - and I am so grateful for that) and check my kids out whenever my sister was out of town because she so loved spending time with them. Fast forward to the two years before my mom died - she told me and my kids multiple times how much she resented being told that she couldn't watch her two in town grandkids because somehow it wouldn't be "fair" for her to have a closer relationship with them; it was our CHOICE to move back to our small town, because I so wanted my kids to grow up close to their grandma (my one set of grandparents were super special to me). Other people made different choices.

Even after that "prohibition" on time spent together, my kids saw their Nana every. single. day when mom was in Assisted Living and the siblings weren't gatekeeping and isolating her. The siblings? Stole her money (2), never paid rent (20 years (1) and never came to see her that last two years (all 3).

Sore subject for me. My mom loved being a grandma, and probably would have paid ME to spend time with my kids. As it was, they were able to spend enough precious hours with her, so that she is their most treasured human; my 16 year old son calls her "his angel" and the "most precious human ever alive". When my daughter graduated, she wrote several essays on the impact her Nana had on her life. I miss her every single day.

I hope someday I can be that special and impactful for my grandkids, whatever the scenario. I got married late and have traveled, worked, and done pretty much everything I wanted to accomplish. If I am blessed enough to have grandkids, I'll be there as much as I can be.

 

[kymom99]

Yup, that's how it is where we live now as well. Among a certain group, it's considered a defining characteristic of being a "good mom" that you drive your kids to school and they do not ride the bus. They believe it's an indicator of how much you love your children and shows that you prioritize them and make sure that your entire life revolves around their schedule. When my kids were younger and I used to volunteer at school, I always got a kick out of how absolutely horrified the other moms would be by some of my parenting choices.

This exactly. When my son was young, my mom said her sister told her no one rides the bus. My mom didn’t drive so she said well we have no choice, but the bus is pretty full so apparently someone is riding it. My aunt’s grandchildren lived in my mom’s neighborhood where my son caught the bus. My cousin worked at the school where her kids went, so driving them was easy for her. Not everyone is in the same boat.

 

[piccolopat]

When DD (now 36) was a baby and toddler, DH's parents watched her while we both worked. We paid them close to the going rate because we didn't want to take advantage of them and to supplement their retirement income so they could travel. After DH was hurt on the job and retired, he took on all child care. DD, DSIL and DGS will be moving into our downstairs MIL apartment this spring. DSIL is disabled and will be the caregiver for DGS but we expect to help when needed. We do not plan to take over this role unless DSIL's condition worsens. As to payment, a lot will depend on their financial situation at the time. We believe it is important for them to stand on their own but sometimes life gets in the way and in those times we will help out more.

 

[notatallmagic]

This exactly. When my son was young, my mom said her sister told her no one rides the bus. My mom didn’t drive so she said well we have no choice, but the bus is pretty full so apparently someone is riding it. My aunt’s grandchildren lived in my mom’s neighborhood where my son caught the bus. My cousin worked at the school where her kids went, so driving them was easy for her. Not everyone is in the same boat.

Ahhh, the bus issue. In our "troubled" district, the bus was a rough one. The "daycare" bus had daily fights and issues (several sexual assaults in the back of the bus - I wish I was exaggerating), and as they got older, when my kids told me some of the things that happened on that bus...shudder. I know many other kids in our district/area who didn't have that experience, but as soon as my career stabilized enough that I could negotiate better hours, I drove my kids to school on my way to work, and they did sports after school so they didn't need to ride the bus anymore.

Their middle school/high school were across the street from their Nana's Assisted Living for about a year and a half (that was intentional), so for that time, they walked over to see her every night after school; and after she passed, they either were at sports practices, or went to the YMCA (also close by), or walked the 1.5 miles home.

 

[robinb]

I'm not a grandparent, but I think there is a vast difference between babysitting and childcare. I wouldn't dream of charging for babysitting every once in a while. Spending time with grandchildren would be payment enough. Childcare, on the other hand, is a regular 8-10 hour a day job and I would be expected to be paid something for it. My time is important too and I should be compensated for it, even if I don't need the money.

Paying for family childcare show respect for the work done by women allowing other women to excel in the workplace. Not paying for family childcare takes advantage of a loving relationship to put more money in your own pocket. A family should pay something accordingly to their income for family childcare. Maybe that's just a couple bucks a day or maybe that's the same as a traditional day care.

 

[TipsyTraveler]

I don’t think there’s a right or wrong answer here as whether a grandparent should, or would want to, charge for babysitting depends on a lot of variables, including how and why they ended up in the childcare position in the first place. Did you offer and encourage it over a daycare option initially? Are the parents struggling financially? Do you need the financial help? Is this a short-term or long-term situation? Like I said, lots of variables and the “right” answer is going to depend on the circumstances.

However, asking your daughter to start paying you does carry a risk of causing some bad blood, whether rightly or wrongly, so I would carefully think this through first. Are you asking for money to cover expenses associated with watching your grandchild, or do you simply want compensation for your time, or do you just think your daughter should have some skin in the game? Are you feeling taken advantage of and do you think X amount of money will change that? Or, have you just realized childcare is exhausting and you’re worn out, in which case you’d probably be better off saying you need to reduce the time commitment instead of asking for payment. I’d first make sure you know what problem you’re trying to solve before telling your daughter you want her to start paying you, and be sure money (and how much) is actually the solution to that. Plus, being able to clearly explain why you need to turn this into a paid arrangement will probably help her understand as well.

The other thing to consider is that if you attempt to transition this to more of a business arrangement, your daughter may do the same. She may decide that the benefits of Granny’s Free Babysitting — now that it isn’t free — no longer outweigh the benefits of putting her kid in actual daycare with the opportunities it offers for social interactions, structured activities, educational lessons, and staff trained in child development and CPR certified who are up-to-date on the latest safety recommendations. I think it’s perfectly fair for you to ask for money, so long as you aren’t going to be offended if she decides she’ll get better bang for her buck elsewhere.

ETA: LOL at the concept of not wanting your kid to ever ride a bus. My kid has consistently said his favorite part of the school day is the bus ride. That’s his social time with his friends!

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Ahhh, the bus issue. In our "troubled" district, the bus was a rough one. The "daycare" bus had daily fights and issues (several sexual assaults in the back of the bus - I wish I was exaggerating), and as they got older, when my kids told me some of the things that happened on that bus...shudder. I know many other kids in our district/area who didn't have that experience, but as soon as my career stabilized enough that I could negotiate better hours, I drove my kids to school on my way to work, and they did sports after school so they didn't need to ride the bus anymore.

Their middle school/high school were across the street from their Nana's Assisted Living for about a year and a half (that was intentional), so for that time, they walked over to see her every night after school; and after she passed, they either were at sports practices, or went to the YMCA (also close by), or walked the 1.5 miles home.

I think the argument for/against busing is not about if the bus was not a safe way of transit. That I believe goes without saying.

The discussion is usually about certain people who look down upon it due to a preconceived notion of what having children take the bus means in terms of parenting.

 

[kymom99]

Ahhh, the bus issue. In our "troubled" district, the bus was a rough one. The "daycare" bus had daily fights and issues (several sexual assaults in the back of the bus - I wish I was exaggerating), and as they got older, when my kids told me some of the things that happened on that bus...shudder. I know many other kids in our district/area who didn't have that experience, but as soon as my career stabilized enough that I could negotiate better hours, I drove my kids to school on my way to work, and they did sports after school so they didn't need to ride the bus anymore.

Their middle school/high school were across the street from their Nana's Assisted Living for about a year and a half (that was intentional), so for that time, they walked over to see her every night after school; and after she passed, they either were at sports practices, or went to the YMCA (also close by), or walked the 1.5 miles home.

I don’t doubt that at all. And if that was the case we would have arranged for other care. Fortunately my son had the same bus driver all of the 11 years he rode the bus. He was great. In high school I offered to try to find a carpool for him but he said no, I’ll just ride the bus with ____. His friend. My grandson now rides the same route. He has a different driver, but it’s been the same one for the fourth year. I think that is key. There is also a bus aid on the bus. The bus is not crowded (because of all the parents to transport their kids) and there are only elementary kids on it. My grandson did have an issue with some kid trying to depants him. His mom called the bus garage, they reviewed video, and dealt with it.

 

[notatallmagic]

I think the argument for/against busing is not about if the bus was not a safe way of transit. That I believe goes without saying.

The discussion is usually about certain people who look down upon it due to a preconceived notion of what having children take the bus means in terms of parenting.

I get that there will always be some parents who enjoy critiquing pretty much any parenting decision that "other" parents make - and I'm certainly not a fan of that logic. I've always believed that many parents can parent many different children many different ways, and have many different outcomes.

I was simply trying to make that point that some bus situations are not safe places.

 

[notatallmagic]

I don’t doubt that at all. And if that was the case we would have arranged for other care. Fortunately my son had the same bus driver all of the 11 years he rode the bus. He was great. In high school I offered to try to find a carpool for him but he said no, I’ll just ride the bus with ____. His friend. My grandson now rides the same route. He has a different driver, but it’s been the same one for the fourth year. I think that is key. There is also a bus aid on the bus. The bus is not crowded (because of all the parents to transport their kids) and there are only elementary kids on it. My grandson did have an issue with some kid trying to depants him. His mom called the bus garage, they reviewed video, and dealt with it.

I'm so happy for your kiddos! My son did have one evening bus driver for about a year that did a great job and really was able to keep things under control. We still see that bus driver around town, and my son enjoys chatting with him. And thank God for video on the bus! I think that started about four years after my kids started riding the bus...let's just say that school administration learned a lot.

 

[leahgoogle]

At one point when our kids were young, we toyed with the idea of having my mom watch our kids a few times a week while I worked. We decided not to (I ended up staying home), but we were going to pay her if she did (our idea) since she was going to save us money and it would be over 20 hours a week (a significant chunk of time IMO).

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

I get that there will always be some parents who enjoy critiquing pretty much any parenting decision that "other" parents make - and I'm certainly not a fan of that logic. I've always believed that many parents can parent many different children many different ways, and have many different outcomes.

I was simply trying to make that point that some bus situations are not safe places.

I totally understand what you're saying

No one judge anyone's choice or say you're spoiling a kid if you drive them as opposed to taking the bus if the bus is an unsafe situation and it's not pertaining to why there's people out there that think the bus by principle is the issue

 

[lowlight]

I would charge your child exactly what you would want her to charge you should you become invalid and dependent on your children for help in a few years. Now, if you don't think she would be willing to help you out like that, that's another topic entirely.

 

[georgina]

Sensitive issue/topic for me - still after many years...

I was the only one of my four siblings who had children and lived in the same town with our widowed mom. When I became a single parent, my mom asked to watch my kids, and my siblings told her/me that wasn't ALLOWED, since it wouldn't be "fair". So I paid over 30% of my income for daycare for two preschoolers; they were in daycare 12 hours/day, with my retired mom lonely and two blocks away.

She even had to "ask permission" from my siblings to watch them one day/week during the summer - and those moments were some of my kids' happiest childhood memories (yes, I get the disfunction).

I found out later that she used to sneak over to their daycare (the ladies there were wonderful - and I am so grateful for that) and check my kids out whenever my sister was out of town because she so loved spending time with them. Fast forward to the two years before my mom died - she told me and my kids multiple times how much she resented being told that she couldn't watch her two in town grandkids because somehow it wouldn't be "fair" for her to have a closer relationship with them; it was our CHOICE to move back to our small town, because I so wanted my kids to grow up close to their grandma (my one set of grandparents were super special to me). Other people made different choices.

Even after that "prohibition" on time spent together, my kids saw their Nana every. single. day when mom was in Assisted Living and the siblings weren't gatekeeping and isolating her. The siblings? Stole her money (2), never paid rent (20 years (1) and never came to see her that last two years (all 3).

Sore subject for me. My mom loved being a grandma, and probably would have paid ME to spend time with my kids. As it was, they were able to spend enough precious hours with her, so that she is their most treasured human; my 16 year old son calls her "his angel" and the "most precious human ever alive". When my daughter graduated, she wrote several essays on the impact her Nana had on her life. I miss her every single day.

I hope someday I can be that special and impactful for my grandkids, whatever the scenario. I got married late and have traveled, worked, and done pretty much everything I wanted to accomplish. If I am blessed enough to have grandkids, I'll be there as much as I can be.

That story is so sad. I can't imagine my adult kids trying to tell me what I can and can't do. My mom's been gone 5 years, but she was quite independent also. One of my sisters lived in the same area, and my mom & dad watched my youngest niece for a year when she was very young.

 

[NotUrsula]

I think that should be viewed as not something for your mother-in-law but rather for your son. Their focus is on things she can do to entertain and enrich your child but not something for her herself and IMO should be part of the costs associated with having someone else do this for your child in general whether it's a one time, occasionally or habitual.

I would view that similar to costs one may find for daycare or babysitting in general. For instance when I was young the times I had a babysitter my mom would leave extra cash just for the babysitter to have for flexibility in what activities to do sometimes that was going to the movies, sometimes it was going to a nearby (as in walking distance) Jungle Jim's. These were not things that the babysitter or daycare provider should have to pay for.

But I do think it's nice the other things you've done although I would say replacing someone's roof and purchasing multiple major appliances is probably a bit more extreme of an example. Most people can barely get their own roofs replaced as well as replacing their own appliances so doing so for a family member because they watch your child is probably a bit over the top in practical nature. But I still this it was a nice gesture to do.

To be fair, she needed the money but was too proud to ask for it; by framing it as barter, we saved her pride and also made sure her surroundings were safer and more comfortable for her.

DS was a very demanding child when it came to attention when he was little. Providing the means to get out of the house and to an indoor place where grandma could just sit on a bench and watch him play for a while was a physical and mental break for her. Also, she had somewhat agoraphobic tendencies, so removing the "I can't afford it" excuse was good for them both.

 

[notatallmagic]

That story is so sad. I can't imagine my adult kids trying to tell me what I can and can't do. My mom's been gone 5 years, but she was quite independent also. One of my sisters lived in the same area, and my mom & dad watched my youngest niece for a year when she was very young.

Thank you for your kind words. My mom was a very kind lady, but she also struggled with healthy boundaries with one sibling in particular. I'm grateful for the time my kiddos and Nana did have together, and it makes me smile to imagine my mom sneaking her grandkids out of daycare like it was some top-secret clandestine operation.

 

[CookieandOatmeal]

Every since my son was born 3 years ago, my parents and my in-laws have split up the week to watch him. We are so lucky that they never charge us and the best part is that as an infant, we never worried about him being in an unsafe situation. We would've gladly paid our parents if they asked for babysitting money but they have never...they actually fight over who gets to watch him if we ask them to watch him on a weekend night lol. He has started preschool now for two days but still spend the rest of the week with the grandparents. They have repeatedly said that they love the time that they get to spend with him and treasure the memories they have made together.

 

[Boopuff]

Op here, talked to my DD and she’s going to give me a small payment each week. I watch my GS at my house (most of the time sometimes at hers) hes with us a good chunk of the day. Lucky for me my DH works from home so he’ll help out. Big plus - I was a preschool teacher forever so no shortage of fun stuff!

 

[VandVsmama]

I’ve been watching my darling GS daily. I thought about it, a decided to ask my DD for a small amount weekly. I just thought about how busy my GS is and it’s not always easy. So I thought a couple of bucks (so granny can get her me time) wouldn’t be terrible. After all I’m saving them a TON!

I haven't read all 4 pages of the replies yet.

My kids are teenagers, so I'm not in the grandparent category right now. BUT...

When ODD was a year old, MIL moved from another state to here, and lived about a 15 min drive from us. She decided to quit working/retire. She offered to babysit full time, free of charge. That was awesome at first because it saved me about $800 a month on full time daycare at the time (ODD is 16 now).

Within that first month, she started to complain about how we weren't paying her. And I had to supply her with all of the baby bear...toys, a pack & play for the kid to nap in, food, diapers, wipes, everything. Bought a car seat for her to use for ODD, too. Also left an extra stroller at MIL's house so she could take ODD out on walks to a small park nearby.

MIL never took the kiddo outside. She stayed indoors all day. not even in the backyard. Never had social interaction with anybody else.

On top of that, MIL complained that she wanted to go away on vacation. This meant that DH or I would also need to then take time off of work...PTO which we literally did not have. Then MIL said that whenever ODD got sick or even a cold, she wouldn't babysit. So we had to take time off of work for that, too...stuff we'd had to do anyway when the kid was in regular daycare.

Then she demanded to be paid what we were paying the daycare before. I went along with it for another month and then told DH that I was calling the daycare to try to get ODD's old spot back. It took 5 more months for a spot to open back up.

It was hell.

Never again.

For years afterwards, MIL would whine and offer to babysit for us so we could go to the movies or something every Saturday. We did that 2 times, and then within a couple of days of that occurring, my MIL demanded that my DH take HER out to dinner and a movie. So I said, "No thanks."

DH & I didn't have any adults-only dates from then on unless it was during the couple of times a year that my sister would fly in from the UK.

If I had to do it all over again, I would have never agreed to all of that. It was a disaster.

If you are going to agree to babysit your grandchildren and if you expect or want to be paid, then negotiate that up front BEFORE THE BABYSITTING BEGINS! Know that the grandkid(s)' parents will be relying on you to not flake out, to not just change your mind on a whim because you've decided that you all of a sudden want to spend 3 weeks on a holiday.

If you want a foot loose and fancy free lifestyle, then DON'T BABYSIT YOUR GRANDCHILDREN where the parents have to rely on you for regular childcare so they can work.

If the discussion of the parents paying you NEVER came up before you started the babysitting, then you SHOULD expect some frustration and resentment on the parents' part.

If at any time, you decide that you need to change the timing or frequency of the babysitting, know that finding reliable childcare is hard for parents and it might take them awhile to find a suitable replacement.

If you're not ok with any of this, then ONE SHOULD NOT AGREE TO BABYSIT!

 

[LuvOrlando]

I knew a family who had an arrangement where the parents babysat, cooked and cleaned for them, not to mention getting kids to and from sports events and such. Kids enjoyed the close bond as did the grandparents, the parents never missed a single days work. The grandparents did all the work with cooking but ate free with the family every night as they shared the sorts of normal everyday meals that many people on fixed incomes can't easily afford and working moms have trouble pulling together because of time. The grandparents got a small amount on top of Social Security that didn't throw that off kilter, I think it basically just covered gas and the bridge to and from the kids. Grandparents also benefited from all the socializing with other families and involved grandparents. So with the majority of meals with family and not out of pocket and childcare costs going back into the larger family unit everyone was better off financially and much happier. It was pretty amazing to see how well it all functioned but no-one was of a gimme mindset with resentment, everyone acted like a team aware they helped each other so in that sort of spirit it can work.