Warning....vent ahead! He just doesn't get it!

[tvguy]

Been dealing with that with my wife for 32 years. I pay all the bills, and I appreciate that she tries to put off purchases, but frequently that backfires. When we have the money she puts it off, when she decides she can't put it off anymore, the money has been spent.

And why are bras sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo expensive?

 

[HM]

I was thinking that maybe he really hadn't noticed that your son wasn't drinking milk and you were making meals from the pantry.

Did he really know you were low on fund this month? Do you talk about the financial situation when it gets to the point you are at? Since you do all the financial stuff, he really may have no idea how you are handing things each month.

(My DH has no clue..I pay all the bills, but he'll ask once in a while.)

He may have been mad at himself (not you) when you told him you were short on cash, and it was taken out on you because people do that sometimes. Maybe he was thinking, "I should have waited on that repair, darn it".

I hope you both feel better about things when next you are together.

 

[laurafergie]

Vent away!

This is a tight month for us too. I have said more than once, no extra spending except for back to school. DH agreed. So I get a text while back to school shopping he bought NEW TIRES for his truck.

I just don't get it.

 

[Burnedout]

Seems to me this fits the definition of an emergency perfectly. According to you, you have the money. Use it for the car repair (and to buy your son some milk).

I'm not understanding the angst or need to fight about it.

Truth. I don't understand. The car had to be fixed and the boy needs proper food

 

[bumbershoot]

He has been the main bread winner for our entire married life (I was a SAHM with just a tiny income for many years and work part time/per diem for the past 10 years), so he is totally entitled to his say with how/where the money goes.

I am so uncomfortable with where I worry how far this goes. Does he get final say since he earns most? That's kind of scary IF that's it. Even when we were dating DH would say "what you earn is yours, what I earn is yours"... And that has continued (though I don't earn). Maybe you just mean "of course he gets A say" which is why I worry about how far the concept goes in your household.

We aren't starving and it certainly isn't killing my 16 year old to drink water.

Certainly not. It won't kill a human to not drink food meant for baby cows. If you've been doing it for the calcium, it's been known for decades that the digestion process of milk TAKES more calcium than is added to milk. So it's not good for growing in any way shape, or form, apart from pure calories. (I mean, think about how big baby cows get while still drinking their milk! that's what cow's milk is meant for)

Probably better for the teen to be drinking water and finding the nutrients (that are added to milk anyway) in other forms! Great way to move from baby cow food!

(I do eat dairy, I just don't do it for any sort of "health" reasons, as I am not a baby cow)

And why are bras sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo expensive?

If only I knew. Even shopping at the Hanes/Bali/L'eggs outlet exclusively I still leave with a frightening total. And during my weight loss process I had to go there far more often than normal!

 

[pryncess527]

. If you've been doing it for the calcium, it's been known for decades that the digestion process of milk TAKES more calcium than is added to milk.

Do you by any chance have a source or more information on this? I've never heard of that, and can't seem to find anything online to back it up. I'm quite curious to hear more.

 

[threeboysmom]

Isn't that what an emergency savings is for? An emergency??

Having an unexpected car repair (or furnace breaks or roof leaks, etc.) definitely falls under that category.

Be thankful you HAVE that money set aside! So use it, and work hard over the next several months to replenish what you've taken out.

 

[ellochka]

I am so uncomfortable with where I worry how far this goes. Does he get final say since he earns most? That's kind of scary IF that's it. Even when we were dating DH would say "what you earn is yours, what I earn is yours"... And that has continued (though I don't earn). Maybe you just mean "of course he gets A say" which is why I worry about how far the concept goes in your household.

I agree with that. His earnings are THEIR family money, not just his money. They both have equal say in how the money is spent no matter who earned it.

 

[My2CrazyGirls]

The baby cow comment was priceless! And yes it is true about the calcium issue and reduced fat milk.

 

[My2CrazyGirls]

http://saveourbones.com/osteoporosis-milk-myth/

Here is 1 of many articles...

 

[JanaDee]

http://saveourbones.com/osteoporosis-milk-myth/

Here is 1 of many articles...

There are lots of claims in that article, with no facts to back them up.

 

[mom to minnie&mickey]

It seems to me like you have a good system set up and know where your money is going and for what. However, why do you not have any grocery money left for this month? If I understood correctly you used the grocery fund to pay for car repairs and compost? Why would you do this when you already have an emergency fund set up along with a Christmas one. You refuse to touch those but take from the food budget, I don't get it.
If anything maybe you should have taken funds from the Christmas one since we are still in summer and eventually repaid it.
I don't mean to offend but it seems that a lot of your stress is self imposed as it is not about not having any money but you being too rigid with your budget system.

 

[Marionnette]

If you've been doing it for the calcium, it's been known for decades that the digestion process of milk TAKES more calcium than is added to milk. So it's not good for growing in any way shape, or form, apart from pure calories.

Calcium isn't added to milk. It is a naturally calcium-rich nutritional source, albeit not the sole source of calcium available in food. Vitamin D is added to milk to aid in the adsorption of calcium. It is the vehicle that assists in transporting the calcium from the gut and into the bloodstream.

If you don't get enough calcium in your diet, your body will leech it from your bones, because it is needed as a co-factor to many enzymes active in numerous metabolic pathways. A growing 16 year old boy needs a substantial amount of calcium because he is in his peak bone-building years.

While cow's milk is not an essential part of a young person's diet, it really is important to ensure that an adolescent boy is getting adequate amounts of complete proteins and calcium. Milk is often the most affordable and most palatable option for achieving this.

 

[ronandannette]

Thank you all for letting me bend your ears! I DO feel better having vented. Sometimes I just need to do that!

It probably wouldn't have even really irked me at all, except that he got mad at ME! And I was frustrated. And sometimes it seems like he expects me to make budget MAGIC happen.

Thanks again for your advise and understanding!..................

Perhaps this would be a great opportunity to re-align with one another on how you handle money. It seems from some of your comments that you've been doing things a certain way for quite a while and maybe your DH is just a little out of touch with the day to day realities. Sitting down and debriefing this particular incident might help everything function more smoothly in the future. Bring him into the loop in very specific ways, such as "we really MUST consult with one another before committing to a large, unbudgeted expense"...and explain why.

It's possible his bad reaction to your bad reaction was because he really didn't understand the problem. I am the partner that does NOT handle the bills and day-to-day budgeting and I can tell you it's easy to start taking things for granted, especially since it's always handled very well. It sounds like you've been doing a great job too!

I am so uncomfortable with where I worry how far this goes. Does he get final say since he earns most? That's kind of scary IF that's it. Even when we were dating DH would say "what you earn is yours, what I earn is yours"... And that has continued (though I don't earn). Maybe you just mean "of course he gets A say" which is why I worry about how far the concept goes in your household...

Why on earth would you be "worried" about the OP? It doesn't strike me as being any more balanced that your DH has completely conceded to you in the area of finances. Neither partner ought to dominate control of finances over the other regardless of gender or earning power.

I agree with that. His earnings are THEIR family money, not just his money. They both have equal say in how the money is spent no matter who earned it.

But did you notice that the poster you quoted by her own description has total control over her family finances? Does that strike you as OK just because it's the woman and not the man?

 

[crisi]

I can do the vent about how sometimes my husband seems to expect me to make money fall out of the sky. And I know what he is thinking - like with you - its there, its just in a different bucket and I'm loathe to move it simply because he overspent. I keep it in my head, and when suddenly an extra $500 comes through because he decided he needed to go jeans shopping during the month I took the pets to the vet, suddenly I have to move money - or "find" it through other expenses.

 

[pjlla]

Thank you all again for your feedback and responses. Just a few replies.....

Yes, we did spend this month's grocery budget on another car repair earlier in the month. I did think we might be able to get by without having to dig into the emergency fund. And while we did have money budgeted and set aside for the compost, it cost more than expected and he didn't tell me until the morning of delivery when I had to have a check ready. Again, I was hoping we might squeak by this month without having to dig into the emergency fund.

Perhaps I sounded a touch too dramatic when I talked about our odd food combination and DS drinking water. He drinks milk because he LOVES milk (and I agree... overall humans were NOT made to consume food intended for baby cows). But with the budget slim I just let him know that the milk in the fridge had to last and I wasn't going to run out and buy more.

As far as the odd food combos.... I looked at this as a good lesson in "making due" and a good time to use up some freezer and pantry overages. Overall we tend to eat really healthy meals with an abundance of fresh produce, so living with MINIMAL fresh produce has been a trick.... but it hasn't killed us and we haven't gained any weight, so all is good. We've had eggs and yogurt for breakfast, veggie burgers and carrots and hummus for lunch, beef and broccoli stir fry and vegetable soup for dinner.... so we aren't suffering. It's just forced me to be a bit more creative with frozen and canned goods.

Yes, we do talk about the budget at times (but not on a regular schedule). He DID know that things were tight this month, but obviously felt that the car repair couldn't/shouldn't wait. He has never denied me access to the money HE earns. Other than voicing his opinion about certain budget choices, he has never said I COULDN'T spend money on something. We have an unwritten understanding that most big expenses will be, at least, discussed together before the spending occurs.

Anyhow, thanks for all of your help, suggestions, and input. ...................P