Very odd situation about Wedding and my best friend

[luvthatdisney]

Mickey...

After reading this thread and seeing the same information being rehashed over and over. It appears the only way you are going to solve your problem is to ask the bride yourself.

Just tell her there seems to be some confusion in regards to the way you were invited and you wanted to clarify things. Tell her that you have a significant other, that is not the MOH, and you want to be clear on your invite. You need to be prepared if she tells you that you are invited as MOH's quest. Do you still want to go if that is the case?

Just out of curiosity I checked on some wedding etiquette sites. It states that if a relationship is serious (living together or together for a year or so) that the boyfriend should be invited. So if you are truly invited it would depend if the bride knows how serious your relationship with your boyfriend is to get a +guest invite.

But as I said, just ask the bride to find out for sure.

 

[Scurvy]

Just out of curiosity I checked on some wedding etiquette sites. It states that if a relationship is serious (living together or together for a year or so) that the boyfriend should be invited. So if you are truly invited it would depend if the bride knows how serious your relationship with your boyfriend is to get a +guest invite.

If they were married, engaged or living together, they should absolutely be invited together. (Assuming she is actually invited and isn't just the MOH's guest.) But the dating thing is more iffy. There really isn't a rule for dating couples, though typically a couple who has been dating for years is considered a social unit. One year isn't that long, though, and it wouldn't be rude if they weren't invited together.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

Lisa Loves Pooh...

My best friend is one of the most amazing people on this earth and I love her like I love my own sister....However we have had many many many conversations about life and love. I think that in an earlier post I stated that, not sure though.

She never had dreamt about having her own wedding, she hates wearing dresses and she has never in her life owned a skirt.

While I played with Barbie dolls and played house etc. She was playing football and GI Joe with her friends. Now is that very sterotypical yes but that is what she has told me. I loved Rainbow Brite and Jem and getting dressed up in mom's clothes and I liked boys. That was never something she was interested in.

When people who don't even know her and I am talking about my family. They have asked....does she like you? It does make me wonder. I have horrible gaydar. My very best friend from highschool was a guy and well guess what he is gay. I thought we would get married and move to Florida and live happily ever after...that is not the case now.

When we were younger and went out with our friends, she hated the fact that I danced with guys/men. She would give me attitude. I shrugged it off because I thought maybe she was upset that no guy danced with her. But she shuts herself off ALL THE TIME.

There were many times that we didn't go out dancing together because I would always have to "babysit" her.

I did email the bride and just asked for clarification if I am going as the MOH guests OR if I am invited...JUST ME I am not even asking about my boyfriend because that is not the point. If I had recieved my own invitation that I would have known and I feel it is not appropriate to ask if my boyfriend is invited. It is going to be tough enough for him to get off from work so that is not the big deal.

 

[mrsklamc]

Her statement that she doesn't see a need to meet your boyfriend is a huge red flag, gay or straight. That's insane. She's obviously a very close part of your life....It may be she's a lesbian or it may be she is just very needy of you as a friend but either way refusing to meet your BF....seems like she's in denial about your relationship.

I'd say "of course it's necessary, he's important to me, you're important to me" and see what she says.

 

[alexandria674]

Lisa Loves Pooh...

My best friend is one of the most amazing people on this earth and I love her like I love my own sister....However we have had many many many conversations about life and love. I think that in an earlier post I stated that, not sure though.

She never had dreamt about having her own wedding, she hates wearing dresses and she has never in her life owned a skirt.

While I played with Barbie dolls and played house etc. She was playing football and GI Joe with her friends. Now is that very sterotypical yes but that is what she has told me. I loved Rainbow Brite and Jem and getting dressed up in mom's clothes and I liked boys. That was never something she was interested in.
When people who don't even know her and I am talking about my family. They have asked....does she like you? It does make me wonder. I have horrible gaydar. My very best friend from highschool was a guy and well guess what he is gay. I thought we would get married and move to Florida and live happily ever after...that is not the case now.

When we were younger and went out with our friends, she hated the fact that I danced with guys/men. She would give me attitude. I shrugged it off because I thought maybe she was upset that no guy danced with her. But she shuts herself off ALL THE TIME.

There were many times that we didn't go out dancing together because I would always have to "babysit" her.

I did email the bride and just asked for clarification if I am going as the MOH guests OR if I am invited...JUST ME I am not even asking about my boyfriend because that is not the point. If I had recieved my own invitation that I would have known and I feel it is not appropriate to ask if my boyfriend is invited. It is going to be tough enough for him to get off from work so that is not the big deal.

By that logic you think that she is gay? So you are going to assume that she is a lesbian because of that? That does not make any sense and if you two are such "best friends" why don't you come out and just ask her? This seems so high-schoolish and your assumptions are making it more then what it really is.

Perhaps it was something else that was keeping her from dancing with guys, but that isn't your business. You are acting like her being a lesbian is bothering you, despite it all.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

By that logic you think that she is gay? So you are going to assume that she is a lesbian because of that? That does not make any sense and if you two are such "best friends" why don't you come out and just ask her? This seems so high-schoolish and your assumptions are making it more then what it really is.

Perhaps it was something else that was keeping her from dancing with guys, but that isn't your business. You are acting like her being a lesbian is bothering you, despite it all.

Then why does she get upset with me when I have plans with my boyfriend. I have tried on many many occassions for her to meet him because she is my best friend and I want her to get to know him and meet him. She is making assumptions about my relationship and she won't even meet my boyfriend.

I have been trying to figure her out for a long time and even my boyfriend doesn't understand why she is this way. She already wants to make vacation plans for next year, I would like to go away with my boyfriend and I had told her that, she gets her nose out of joint and I change the subject.

It is very highschool, but she needs to respect MY relationship with my boyfriend just as whatever she decides in her life I will respect. You can't be upset with me if I can't spend every waking moment with you.

 

[bumbershoot]

Call your friend (the bride) and say "I know I've talked to you about this before and that you say I'm invited to your wedding, but I still haven't received an invitation. I know this is awkward and I'm sorry to keep bothering you, but I my problem is that without an invitation I don't know whether my boyfriend is invited or not. I'm fine if you're not including "plus ones," but I need to know so he can get it on his calendar or make other plans while I'm busy."

I agree with the others that you need to talk to your other friend (MOH.) Honestly? I think if you've been dating a year and she refuses to acknowledge your boyfriend, it's time to choose which relationship is more important to you.

I agree with that.


And I'm sure there are many other things that you don't know how to describe that tell you and others that your best friend is gay, you're just describing the most easily described.

I had a best friend for several years...she was very very much like your friend. She did date, but had never allowed anything, er, to "happen" to her, though she did, er, favors for a couple boyfriends. Most of her friends were gay or bi. She would say provocative (not sexy, but "what if" questions) to me, and they just flew over my head because I was really really really naive.

My other friends could tell that she had a crush on me, but never told me until it all ended.

And end it did...I started dating someone and she had a terrible reaction to it. Accused me of things, yelled, then disappeared. I called, I wrote...I figured that she had a crush on the guy, despite my asking if she liked him time and time again. She always said she didn't like him, and even if she did it didn't matter b/c he was her sister's long-ex boyfriend and she wouldn't date exes of friends and her sister (she had casually dated TWO of my exes by the way).

A year or so later, I ran into a friend...he said that she had told everyone that I ended our friendship because I couldn't "deal with" the fact that she was gay...since that was when I found out she was indeed gay, obviously her tale was not true.

It was so sad. That's when my friends told me what they had noticed...

Sadly it would have made our friendship better (if she didn't "like" me), because before that, we'd always liked the same guys...


Anyway, I know it doesn't matter *to you*, but if she is indeed gay AND likes/loves you...it might not turn out well, friendship-wise.




I'd either express my regrets, go alone (I have never found dates at weddings to be a plus, personally...too much pressure on the date, boring for my husband, much more fun to flitter around and talk to friends without worrying about him), or have yet another difficult convo with the bride.

I think I like the going idea...you said there's a hotel involved...have the boyfriend upstairs watching a movie or two, go up every so often (if reception is in same building) to say hi, and when you have had enough of the festivities, hello boyfriend!

 

[alexandria674]

Then why does she get upset with me when I have plans with my boyfriend. I have tried on many many occassions for her to meet him because she is my best friend and I want her to get to know him and meet him. She is making assumptions about my relationship and she won't even meet my boyfriend.

I have been trying to figure her out for a long time and even my boyfriend doesn't understand why she is this way. She already wants to make vacation plans for next year, I would like to go away with my boyfriend and I had told her that, she gets her nose out of joint and I change the subject.

It is very highschool, but she needs to respect MY relationship with my boyfriend just as whatever she decides in her life I will respect. You can't be upset with me if I can't spend every waking moment with you.

Well, maybe she just doesn't like him for some reason, but that does not automatically mean that she is attracted to you. Also, there could be other reasons for why she doesn't like the mention of a boyfriend, such as maybe you are spending too much time with him, I don't know why but I do know that you ought to just come clean with her.

 

[Floridagal23]

Why don't you have your friend over for dinner and then have your bf stop by to meet her? Or just bring him along to your dinner plans with her?

 

[antmaril]

Just wondering...are you guys pretty young?

You seem to be having a bit of trouble with direct, adult conversations-which isn't necessarily uncommon with early 20 somethings but it's time to get the heck over it! Pick up the phone, call the bride, tell her you understand there's been some confusion with the invites and you just want to double check whether you are invited, and whether it's just you, or you and a guest. Just politely say that it's fine if you can't bring a guest, but since you didn't get your invite, you want to KNOW.

You also need to have a direct, adult conversation with your BF. "Hey I've noticed it upsets you when I talk about my boyfriend, but you're both important parts of my life and I need to know what's going on." Don't force the gay issue-that's not fair to her, you may be totally wrong and offend her, or she may not be willing to talk about it yet. But you DO need to address her being in denial or whatever.

In both situations, its time to put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

I totally agree. Adult conversations are in order!

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

By that logic you think that she is gay? So you are going to assume that she is a lesbian because of that? That does not make any sense and if you two are such "best friends" why don't you come out and just ask her? This seems so high-schoolish and your assumptions are making it more then what it really is.

Perhaps it was something else that was keeping her from dancing with guys, but that isn't your business. You are acting like her being a lesbian is bothering you, despite it all.

I agree.

Quite likely--maybe she is a lesbian. My point is--at this point in your relationship, that should be something you should ALREADY know for goodness sakes.

If you loved her dearly, you would know.

You've got a serious relational issue regardless of how great you think the friendship is.

Time for grown up talk.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

I agree.

Quite likely--maybe she is a lesbian. My point is--at this point in your relationship, that should be something you should ALREADY know for goodness sakes.

If you loved her dearly, you would know.

You've got a serious relational issue regardless of how great you think the friendship is.

Time for grown up talk.

Why is this something that I should already know about her?

Her family is Catholic and not that I want to get into this on here to get points, but her family is not very PC so to speak. So IF she is Gay she may still be in the closet because of her family. I have several friends that are gay and are not out of the closet yet so saying that I should already know....I feel in my heart that she is so I do already know however she may not be able to come to terms with it just yet even though she is 31 years old.

She knows that I am not gay, and I think that is why lately she is acting very strange especially about this whole wedding. I have stated that I hope to get married someday, she again gets this attitude with me so I drop the subject. I don't want to argue anymore with her. I know who I am and I just hope that my friend can find that same happiness that I have.

As for meeting my boyfriend....I have invited her, told her to come over and hang out...watch a movie...have dinner all while my boyfriend would be there and she refuses. So how is that my fault? It's not, she has the issue with this.

 

[alexandria674]

Why is this something that I should already know about her?

Her family is Catholic and not that I want to get into this on here to get points, but her family is not very PC so to speak. So IF she is Gay she may still be in the closet because of her family. I have several friends that are gay and are not out of the closet yet so saying that I should already know....I feel in my heart that she is so I do already know however she may not be able to come to terms with it just yet even though she is 31 years old.

She knows that I am not gay, and I think that is why lately she is acting very strange especially about this whole wedding. I have stated that I hope to get married someday, she again gets this attitude with me so I drop the subject. I don't want to argue anymore with her. I know who I am and I just hope that my friend can find that same happiness that I have.

As for meeting my boyfriend....I have invited her, told her to come over and hang out...watch a movie...have dinner all while my boyfriend would be there and she refuses. So how is that my fault? It's not, she has the issue with this.

I think it is safer to know for sure if she is gay then just assumptions. If you two are such best friends, just come out with it and ask her. If she is, then let her know that you would be ok with it (are you?) also, while it seems odd that she has a problem with you having a boyfriend, maybe there are other reasons then a presumed attraction, maybe she doesn't know much about this guy and so it makes her uneasy there are SO many other reasons then she may be attracted to you.

 

[Jennasis]

Huh...

If the best friend WANTED the OP to know she was gay then she would tell her. If she is gay, she evidently doesn't want anyone to know. I find it wholly ridiculous that many here are suggesting that if the OP were "really" a good friend, she'd already know for sure. If the girl doesn't want to admit to it, how would anyone know for sure??

OP, FWIW it sounds like either you weren't invited to the wedding or the MOH told the bride that you'd be coming to the wedding and not to send an invite specifically to prevent you from bringing your boyfriend. Whether she's jealous of him for taking time from her, or jealous of his romantic connection with you, your bff doesn't like him.

You can certainly call the bride directly to sort it all out. That's be the most direct way. Of course, if you truly weren't going to be invited, now the bride will feel pressured to invite you.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

Why is this something that I should already know about her?

B/c the situation is all too high school for two 31-yo grown women.

I guess I would not have escalated it to this point if I felt #1 she was gay and #2 that she was crushing on me. It would be something I would want to know. It would be just as uncomfortable to me if a man was crushign on me whom I was not interested in. And I have had to nip those issues in the bud in the past as well. When someone is crushing on you--it brings unwanted attention and it alters the friendship. Those who remain silent on the matter and refuse to confront the person, shouldn't really complain if they are unwilling to do anything about it.

I find it interesting you have in the closet friends you know are gay--but for some reason, you don't really know about your best friend.


It sounds like the friendship needs to end if she is choosing to act like a 2yo in how she behaves around you when you demonstrate or mention your heterosexual behavior. Something isn't right there.

You have bigger problems than a wedding invitation.

 

[Mickey's Minion]

Then why does she get upset with me when I have plans with my boyfriend. I have tried on many many occassions for her to meet him because she is my best friend and I want her to get to know him and meet him. She is making assumptions about my relationship and she won't even meet my boyfriend.

I have been trying to figure her out for a long time and even my boyfriend doesn't understand why she is this way. She already wants to make vacation plans for next year, I would like to go away with my boyfriend and I had told her that, she gets her nose out of joint and I change the subject.

It is very highschool, but she needs to respect MY relationship with my boyfriend just as whatever she decides in her life I will respect. You can't be upset with me if I can't spend every waking moment with you.

Did you ever think that maybe she doesn't want to meet your boyfriend, not because she has a crush on you, but that he represents a huge threat to her?

You said you do lots of things together, including traveling to Disney together every year.

A boyfriend means that you might be wanting to travel with him instead. You will doing all the "friend" things with him.

Although it usually happens in younger people under 30, it is not at all unusual for best friends to be jealous of boyfriends. They are afraid they will lose their best friend.

Rather than suspecting she has a "thing" for you, perhaps you should try reassuring her that she won't lose you as a friend if you get more serious about your boyfriend.

 

[goofy4tink]

Is it proper to invite someone to a shower but not to the wedding/reception? No, it isn't. But, it happens all the time. Here's the thing...anyone, anyone at all, can attend a wedding. A church is a public place (so to speak) and if someone is walkiing by and sees a wedding going on, they can walk right on it. The reception is a whole different thing..you do need an invite for that. But again, many have been invited to showers without a wedding/reception invitation.
As an older person, with a ton of experience under my belt, I have to say I'm confused here. It would seem that you live close to the parties in question. And it would seem that the bride has had you do some stuff for her.....both prior to the actual wedding day and on the day of the wedding. Are you sure the bride isn't just thinking of you as a 'worker bee'? If I were you, I would give the bride a call, and tell her that you would like to have the invitation in hand so you will drop on by her house to pick it up. She can address it any way she chooses...to you solo or to you and a guest. It is perfectly within her right to not include a guest for you.
You need to take the MOH right out of the equation. Ask the bride if she was told that you were the guest of the MOH and if that was the only way you were being included. Your friends sexuality has absolutely no bearing on this. Her acceptance of your boyfriend has no bearing on this. It is NOT her wedding. It is up to the bride and groom to decide who gets invitations and who doesn't.
I just don't get all this angst about your friends's sexuality and her wants...it just isn't the issue.

Your choices??? You can go to the wedding and then go home and spend some time with your boyfriend. Or, you can talk to the bride (not the MOH!!!) about your 'missing' invitation. At least that way you will know the score. Tell her that if you don't have an invitation in hand, you won't consider yourself invited. If she is assuming that you are attending as a guest of her MOH, then so be it. It's up to you to decide if you want to go to the wedding with your friend. She does sound a wee bit possesive and immature..something I wouldn't put up with for very long...don't much care how wonderful she is in other aspects of life. But, that's your life and your choice to make.

Seems to be way too much drama and angst going on here. As someone already said...mountain meet molehill.

 

[DVC Sadie]

Just wondering...are you guys pretty young?

You seem to be having a bit of trouble with direct, adult conversations-which isn't necessarily uncommon with early 20 somethings but it's time to get the heck over it! Pick up the phone, call the bride, tell her you understand there's been some confusion with the invites and you just want to double check whether you are invited, and whether it's just you, or you and a guest. Just politely say that it's fine if you can't bring a guest, but since you didn't get your invite, you want to KNOW.

You also need to have a direct, adult conversation with your BF. "Hey I've noticed it upsets you when I talk about my boyfriend, but you're both important parts of my life and I need to know what's going on." Don't force the gay issue-that's not fair to her, you may be totally wrong and offend her, or she may not be willing to talk about it yet. But you DO need to address her being in denial or whatever.

In both situations, its time to put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

This post needs repeating.

 

[belle&sebastiansmom]

Off topic, but

Congratulations Lisa Loves Pooh!

Just saw your ticker!!

 

[Scurvy]

If the best friend WANTED the OP to know she was gay then she would tell her. If she is gay, she evidently doesn't want anyone to know. I find it wholly ridiculous that many here are suggesting that if the OP were "really" a good friend, she'd already know for sure. If the girl doesn't want to admit to it, how would anyone know for sure??

My thoughts exactly! If the best friend actually is gay, it sounds like she doesn't want to admit it to anyone, even herself. I don't see how the OP can be expected to know something like that for sure if her friend won't aknowledge it to anyone. Obviously the OP has her suspicions, and she may or may not be right. Really, though, I don't think it matters. Maybe the OP's friend is gay but isn't ready to come out, maybe she's straight and just hasn't found the right guy yet, or maybe she's asexual and has no interest in either gender. Whether it's because of a romantic interest or not, the best friend seems to have jealousy issues that are becoming a problem for the OP. That's something that the OP probably needs to address at some point. If I were in her shoes, though, I wouldn't bring up the gay thing at all. I would just focus on the friendship aspect of the relationship.