Very odd situation about Wedding and my best friend

[belle&sebastiansmom]

How good are these friends that you can't just come out and ask them to clarify the situation? The bride said you were invited, so ask if boyfriend can come.

Your other friend, who may or may not be gay, who may or may not want you for herself, is a whole other issue. If she's sabotaging you to the bride then she's not a friend.

 

[ols386]

I even went to the fitting of the bridesmaid dresses!!! The bride then even asked me at that time on the day of the wedding to help out with any last minute details making sure people were in their seats etc. Why would she ask this of me if I was not invited?

I am also invited to the Bachelorette party! Come on people, proper Bridal Code is if you are invited to the Bridal Shower....you are invited to the wedding and get your own invitation!

If she asked you to help on the day of the wedding, then it sounds like you're invited. Not sure if she intended for you to bring a boyfriend or not, but that she does expect you to be at the wedding.

I don't think you are invited because your BF, the MOH, told the bride that she wants to bring you as her guest. She (the MOH) doesn't want you to be able to bring your boyfriend as your guest. She wants you to be her date.

I agree with the bolded statements.

 

[4nana]

I don't think you are invited because your BF, the MOH, told the bride that she wants to bring you as her guest. She (the MOH) doesn't want you to be able to bring your boyfriend as your guest. She wants you to be her date.

OP... about your 'friend'.... Perhaps you need to re-think your friendships. If she is adversarial and oppositional about your boyfriend, then I would seriously question any friendship with this person.

AGAIN... so, let's say you are invited..... Like I said, if there is ANY question regarding whether you are invited to bring a guest (boyfriend), then TALK TO THE BRIDE.

There are a lot of issues going on here, and they all point directly to your so-called relationship with this 'friend'. ( I would even suspect that she sabotaged your invite....)

I agree! I feel terrible for you.

It indeed sounds as tho you're invited, however sadly it sounds like only if you go as BF's date. You really need to clear these issues up sweetie and take a stand!

Good luck!

 

[padams]

It appears to me that OP is "invited" to the wedding as BF's "guest", which explains why OP hasn't received an invitation. I would skip the wedding and move on from this issue.

I too wonder how old OP and her friends are.

 

[shortbun]

Pretty obvious you were not invited, don't go. Make it clear with your 'BF' that you are hetero. You have some issues to clear up. Do not attend the wedding. Send the gift to the bride.

 

[princess momma]

I can't imagine not knowing the sexual preference of my best friend. I don't know, that's kind of weird.

If I hadn't received a formal invitation I wouldn't attend the wedding. I also would never ask a bride if I was invited to her wedding. Maybe she just said you were invited because she felt like she was being put on the spot. No, she shouldn't have invited you to the shower if you were not invited to the wedding, but some people are incredibly rude. I received a baby shower invitation this summer for the SIL of a friend and I had never even met the mom-to-be.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

Here is the deal about my BF. Oh and we are both 31 years old FYI.

She has NEVER EVER EVER had a boyfriend. She is still a virgin. She says that she is very old fashioned and hey I totally respect that BUT you had can still have a relationship with someone and not "go all the way"

My boyfriend works 2 jobs 6 days a week. The time that I do get with him is limited but we make the best of it. I spend more time with my BF and she gets bent out of shape when I tell her that we can't hang out or go out to dinner because I am going to spend time with my BF.

I also DID not feel it was appropriate on my part to ask the Bride if I was invited and guest because once I got the invite then I would know for sure. It wouldn't matter but if my BF is telling her things otherwise that is where my issue lies.

 

[padams]

Your issue is not whether the bride acknowledges you have a boyfriend.

Several posters here are trying to politely tell you what is obvious. You are not invited to the wedding alone or "and guest". You've been invited as bf's guest.

You appear to have been included in the shower as bf's friend (and guest for the wedding), not independently as actual wedding guest.

 

[RitaE]

This seems like a whole lot of needless drama to me.
You're concerned that your "Best Friend" is telling another friend that you and she are romantically linked - even though your best friend is very old fashioned and has never confirmed to you that she is in fact a lesbian .. and I assume has never made any sort of romantic gesture toward you?

If you're Best Friends, I have to assume that you spend time together in public otherwise...shopping, meeting for coffee, etc etc. Are you also afraid that people might see you out and about with your maybe-lesbian best friend in those situations and assume it is a romantic date? Even though she's not officially a lesbian?

Eeeeguuhhhhh. Don't even know what to say to all this other than "Hey Mountain - meet Molehill!"

If you are good enough friends with the Bride to be asked to help at her wedding then you are certainly good enough friends to call her on the phone and ask if it would be possible for you to bring your boyfriend to her wedding as a date.

Simple, straightforward, drama free.

 

[frndshpcptn]

Here is the deal about my BF. Oh and we are both 31 years old FYI.

She has NEVER EVER EVER had a boyfriend. She is still a virgin. She says that she is very old fashioned and hey I totally respect that BUT you had can still have a relationship with someone and not "go all the way"

My boyfriend works 2 jobs 6 days a week. The time that I do get with him is limited but we make the best of it. I spend more time with my BF and she gets bent out of shape when I tell her that we can't hang out or go out to dinner because I am going to spend time with my BF.

I also DID not feel it was appropriate on my part to ask the Bride if I was invited and guest because once I got the invite then I would know for sure. It wouldn't matter but if my BF is telling her things otherwise that is where my issue lies.

I know several girls around that age that have not had boyfriends - and they are not gay. They just haven't found the right guy to date yet (or, are attracted to guys that don't want to date them). Never having a boyfriend doesn't mean anything.

Also, maybe she just doesnt like your DBF? Maybe she sees a side of him that rubs her the wrong way and doesn't want to spend time with him. And, get angry with you for not seeing it as well (even if she hasn't verbalized why she feels this way). BTDT as well with several friends over the years...

Talk to her - she's your BFF.

 

[SaraJayne]

This seems like a whole lot of needless drama to me.
You're concerned that your "Best Friend" is telling another friend that you and she are romantically linked - even though your best friend is very old fashioned and has never confirmed to you that she is in fact a lesbian .. and I assume has never made any sort of romantic gesture toward you?

If you're Best Friends, I have to assume that you spend time together in public otherwise...shopping, meeting for coffee, etc etc. Are you also afraid that people might see you out and about with your maybe-lesbian best friend in those situations and assume it is a romantic date? Even though she's not officially a lesbian?

Eeeeguuhhhhh. Don't even know what to say to all this other than "Hey Mountain - meet Molehill!"

If you are good enough friends with the Bride to be asked to help at her wedding then you are certainly good enough friends to call her on the phone and ask if it would be possible for you to bring your boyfriend to her wedding as a date.

Simple, straightforward, drama free.

 

[SC Minnie]

Or your BFF could be jealous of your relationship with your boyfriend- not because she 'wants' you but because she doesn't have anyone and he takes your time. She might just be 'needy' and 'clingy'.

As far as the invite drama- I would not go unless I got a formal invitation in hand from the bride. You say they are trying to keep headcount down, the last thing you want to do is assume you are invited, show up, and you have no place to sit.

If the BFF brings it up again just tell her you aren't comfortable going without receiving a formal invitation in the mail for the reasons above. If she admits to you being her guest then tell her you aren't comfortable with that either because ppl may think you are a couple. Just be honest with her.

 

[mrsklamc]

She has NEVER EVER EVER had a boyfriend. She is still a virgin. She says that she is very old fashioned and hey I totally respect that BUT you had can still have a relationship with someone and not "go all the way"

You said there are other people who say she wants a relationship with you so maybe there is more going on but this, on it own is SO far from making her a lesbian. If she's your best friend though haven't you even just talked about men? George Clooney? Brad Pitt? Something?

I have straight friends in similar situations to your friends, they just happen not to trust men. Single older virgin does not equal lesbian.

As for feeling like you shouldn't call the bride- things DO get lost in the mail, placed in the wrong pile, etc. I get a lot of mail at work and at least once a week it was delivered to the completely wrong address- not mine at all. There's nothing wrong with calling the bride just to ask, as long as you aren't demanding an invite, for yourself or your boyfriend.

 

[Scurvy]

I went back to re-read the thread because I was confused, and I've noticed a few things that I was wondering about.

I even went to the fitting of the bridesmaid dresses!!! The bride then even asked me at that time on the day of the wedding to help out with any last minute details making sure people were in their seats etc. Why would she ask this of me if I was not invited?

I am also invited to the Bachelorette party! Come on people, proper Bridal Code is if you are invited to the Bridal Shower....you are invited to the wedding and get your own invitation!

Why did you go to the fitting? Did the bride invite you, or did your other friend? Was this before or after your friend RSVP'd for you and you asked the bride to send another invitation?

My best friend is the Maid of Honor in HER best childhood friends wedding in late November.

All the invitations had been sent out over 3 weeks ago, I live within the same county so I should have gotten an invitation by now.

A few had incorrect addresses so they called to say that had not gotten one. I mentioned it to the Maid of Honor and she said don't worry about it.

She took it upon herself to just put me down as a yes to the wedding, when she and the bride to be were going over the guest list this past weekend.

I had asked my friend and also the Bride to send me another invitation in the mail just so that I had it along with the time, place of the wedding etc.

I had also asked my BF if I was invited and guest. She had told me no because SHE didn't think I would bring anyone and the bride and groom have to crunch numbers. The odd thing is that all they have been talking about it how they are going to meet their quota of guests.

It sounds like you may have put the bride in an awkward spot. Did you have any indication from the bride that she intended to send you an invitation before you asked her to send you another one? Maybe she had not planned to invite you at all, and by asking for "another" invitation you made her feel as though she had to invite you. Maybe your other friend was invited with a guest, and chose to include you as her guest.

That is my understanding, thank you for clearing that up.

Also if I am not invited AND GUEST, its not a big deal I do understand that.

However, she has to have at least 175 people at her wedding, that is the quota, I have known the Bride for over 7 years, every birthday, we exchange Christmas Gifts, ETC. So that is why I was confused of not getting an acutal invitation and upset that my boyfriend is not included as per the MOH - that should not be HER choice.

While you shouldn't have been included in the shower if you weren't going to be invited to the wedding, it's possible the MOH included you because she knew she would be inviting you to go to the wedding as her guest. Even if you were invited, there's no reason to assume you'd be invited with a guest. The bride is not obligated to include your boyfriend. (And if you're close enough friends with the bride for her to invite you to her wedding, then clearly she knows you're dating someone.)

Here is the deal about my BF. Oh and we are both 31 years old FYI.

She has NEVER EVER EVER had a boyfriend. She is still a virgin. She says that she is very old fashioned and hey I totally respect that BUT you had can still have a relationship with someone and not "go all the way"



I also DID not feel it was appropriate on my part to ask the Bride if I was invited and guest because once I got the invite then I would know for sure. It wouldn't matter but if my BF is telling her things otherwise that is where my issue lies.

I see no reason to assume that your friend is gay. I would take her words at face value unless she has given you some other reason to believe she's gay. Just because she hasn't had a boyfriend is no reason to assume she's interested in you romantically. Frankly, even if she is gay there's still no reason to assume she's interested in you that way. Has she hit on you or otherwise given you the impression that she's interested? And as others have mentioned - maybe she just dislikes your boyfriend for some reason.

 

[Mickeyistheman]

I have asked my BF to meet my boyfriend on several occassions. She says that she doesn't see the need to.

We have had MANY discussions over the years about men and dating etc. We talk about everything. She has always said that she knows everyone thinks she is Gay and she always answers with...so what if I was.

I have NO ISSUE with her being gay, I have many, many gay friends and believe in equality for all...however I am not gay and do not want to be in a relationship with her. We spend alot of time together and have vacationed together every year, sometimes twice a year. She is invited to every family function and vice versa for her family.

When we went to Disney in 2007, she didn't want my younger sister who was 18 to come with us ( like she always did ). Twice I swore, she tried to hold my hand.

Before I was dating my currect boyfriend, she never understood why I dated so much. She feels its such a waste of time. However....she has never dated anyone, nor kissed a man either. She likes her life and doesn't want children either and hey its her life and I will support it, BUT don't rain on my parade because I love men, its not fair.

As for the Bride, after 2 weeks of not getting anything in the mail, I had mentioned to the MOH that I didn't get one and she said it was odd, since I got the bridal shower invite in 2 days of the mailout. The MOH was going for her fitting and asked if I wanted to come and see it. I told her that I didn't think it was right, she said the Bride wouldn't mind she called her and the bride said yes I want her opinion on how the dresses look etc.

So I went and that was when the bride said if I could help out the day of the wedding to make sure people are seated, no one is left smoking outside the church and she is ready to walk in things like that. She also had asked me and just me if I had booked the room at the hotel the night of the wedding. So after all of that I would think I was invited. If I am no invited AND GUEST, I am fine with that and I understand. I just want a formal invitiation, I don't want someone else saying oh yeah she is coming. That is in poor taste IMO.

I do hope that clears things up

 

[Scurvy]

As for the Bride, after 2 weeks of not getting anything in the mail, I had mentioned to the MOH that I didn't get one and she said it was odd, since I got the bridal shower invite in 2 days of the mailout. The MOH was going for her fitting and asked if I wanted to come and see it. I told her that I didn't think it was right, she said the Bride wouldn't mind she called her and the bride said yes I want her opinion on how the dresses look etc.

So I went and that was when the bride said if I could help out the day of the wedding to make sure people are seated, no one is left smoking outside the church and she is ready to walk in things like that. She also had asked me and just me if I had booked the room at the hotel the night of the wedding. So after all of that I would think I was invited. If I am no invited AND GUEST, I am fine with that and I understand. I just want a formal invitiation, I don't want someone else saying oh yeah she is coming. That is in poor taste IMO.

I do hope that clears things up

With that info, it sounds to me like you are probably invited because the MOH wants you there rather than as an individual. Since you didn't receive an invitation when everyone else did, I suspect that you weren't really going to be invited and then the bride decided to invite you when the MOH asked about your invitation. At this point I would understand if you didn't want to go, but since the MOH RSVP'd for you, you should talk to the bride ASAP if you don't want to go so she won't be paying for your meal if you aren't going to be there. On the other hand, I think it would be fine for you to go if you want to do that - clearly the bride is fine with you being there, if she's asking you to help out on that day. You are absolutely right, though, that you should have received your own invitation (even if you were invited as the MOH's guest, though unfortunately many people disregard the etiquette rule that says "and guests" should get their own invitations). Since you didn't, you will have to decide what you want to do about the wedding at this point.

As for your friend - only you know how she's acted around you and maybe she does have feelings for you. It does sound like she might have jealousy issues when it comes to sharing your friendship. However, I have known a couple of people who were not ever interested in dating anyone. They were both autistic, though, which might have had something to do with it. Both were somewhat repulsed by the idea of a physical relationship with anyone (of either gender) and were perfectly happy with their lives as they were. Whether your friend is gay or straight, the jealousy issues are something that you might need to address, unless you are okay with that sort of thing continuing for as long as you are friends. If you are not, you need to talk to her about it or you need to distance yourself from her.

 

[Floridagal23]

Bottom line, you are not getting an invitation bc you are considered as going with your friend. Ask the bride (via email) for her to email you the info of who, what, where, when, etc. Or,ask your friend for the info, since she has an invite. It is rude to keep asking and she hasn't sent you one despite repeated requests.

I had a situation earlier in the year when a very good friend of mine got married. My first invitation was addressed incorrectly and got returned. I felt bad pestering her, but it was an out of state wedding and I had no info. She had originally told me to 'save the date' in person,I was invited to 2 showers via regular mail, the bachelorette via regular mail, a shower via email, and received all of the hotel info (and a change in hotel info) from her parents via regular mail. AND everything was also addressed for me with my guest, my boyfriend (well,not the shower, but the hotel info). That is how you are invited with a guest - if you are the guest, you don't receive separate things. I think they sent you the shower just because it's weird to send a joint shower invite. For a formal (and expensive) wedding invite, you get to share.

Also, your boyfriend is likely not invited. If he was, you would know.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

I have asked my BF to meet my boyfriend on several occassions. She says that she doesn't see the need to.

We have had MANY discussions over the years about men and dating etc. We talk about everything. She has always said that she knows everyone thinks she is Gay and she always answers with...so what if I was.

I have NO ISSUE with her being gay, I have many, many gay friends and believe in equality for all...however I am not gay and do not want to be in a relationship with her. We spend alot of time together and have vacationed together every year, sometimes twice a year. She is invited to every family function and vice versa for her family.

When we went to Disney in 2007, she didn't want my younger sister who was 18 to come with us ( like she always did ). Twice I swore, she tried to hold my hand.

Before I was dating my currect boyfriend, she never understood why I dated so much. She feels its such a waste of time. However....she has never dated anyone, nor kissed a man either. She likes her life and doesn't want children either and hey its her life and I will support it, BUT don't rain on my parade because I love men, its not fair.

As for the Bride, after 2 weeks of not getting anything in the mail, I had mentioned to the MOH that I didn't get one and she said it was odd, since I got the bridal shower invite in 2 days of the mailout. The MOH was going for her fitting and asked if I wanted to come and see it. I told her that I didn't think it was right, she said the Bride wouldn't mind she called her and the bride said yes I want her opinion on how the dresses look etc.

So I went and that was when the bride said if I could help out the day of the wedding to make sure people are seated, no one is left smoking outside the church and she is ready to walk in things like that. She also had asked me and just me if I had booked the room at the hotel the night of the wedding. So after all of that I would think I was invited. If I am no invited AND GUEST, I am fine with that and I understand. I just want a formal invitiation, I don't want someone else saying oh yeah she is coming. That is in poor taste IMO.

I do hope that clears things up

My brother is gay and my cousin is gay---but I will tell you that I NEVER presumed or assumed they were due to their lack of dating.

I was informed through the grapevine when they were okay with being public regarding their sexuality.

Can't say I have the best gaydar, but it is NEVER wise to presume you know someone's sexuality just b/c they don't necessarily follow the same protocols that you do in the dating world. Heck, by your standards--the whole entire Duggar clan (except mom, dad and the oldets who just got married)--would be gay.


I think you are at risk of losing a friendship if it turns out your BF is not gay--b/c your view of the relationship is no doubt reflecting in your behavior and likely driving a wedge between the two of you whether you are privy to that or not.

What you are thinking is very hurtful to your friend as you are presuming an attraction that may not even exist.
*******
As for meeting boyfriends--it's kind of weird, but so is being the third wheel. KWIM?

*******

I have no idea how to comment on the rest of the stuff except that it is sound fishy.

Guest of your BF or not--it is odd for you to be so involved and not invited independently.

Very very rarely would someone invite a "friend" as an "and guest" unless it was known to be a couple. I.e. my husband--who at the time was my boyfriend was invited to the wedding, but the invite was addressed to me and included his name on it. He wouldn't have been invited if he wasn't my boyfriend, and the situation was such that they did not send him a separate invitation.

So while I don't know what is going on in your situation or what I would do--it all seems rather unusal to me and not a customary way that you would treat plutonic wedding guests whom are both welcome at the wedding.

As a Bride-I would have never invited non-couples in the manner that you think has taken place and I certainly would not have listened to a friend say--"oh just put an guest and she'll be my guest". I would have thought the friend was whack-a-doodle and the suggestion completely whacky.

It isn't out of the ordinary for your boyfriend to not be invited--but the idea that you are "and guest" seems so unusual that if it is unfolding as we expect, that the bride has a screw loose to think that is okay.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

And another consideration, what if your friend considers her bisexual or sexuality unknown (as in she is unsure).

It is odd that she is being so coy--but I'm surprised as her best friend why you didn't continue the conversation.

This girl is gossiped about regularly in regards to her sexuality--what kind of friend are you to not care enough about her to keep it at an assumption rather than fact?

I mean with my best friends (when I had them, don't have on at the moment )--we'd talk wedding plans, types of guys we liked and what not. We would talk about what we wanted out of life--the topic of kids would come up, etc. I knew which ones wanted a career first, which ones wanted kids right away--which ones wanted to delay marriage, etc. As it happened, during that time of my life, I didn't know many gay people and gay marriage wasn't as big of a movement as it is now. And that was my best friends and my extended circle.

I couldn't not imagine considering someone my best friend and truly knowing so little about them in regards to what they want out of life in regards to companionship and marriage. Those in my life who are gay, I even know what they want now (and what some have achieved.)

Heck--I know at least that much (to one degree or another) with acquantainces.

So it just seems weird to me that you don't know more and why you wouldn't explore that topic more with someone you consider close enough to be your best friend. Sounds like you need a heart to heart or you need to consider changing the relationship to something less.

 

[horseshowmom]

Under the somewhat confused circumstances, I would tell the bride that my plans have changed and I'm not going to be able to make it. I really think the whole thing is kind of strange and lean towards thinking that you're being viewed as your friend's guest (if you were actually intended to be invited at all). The only reason you were at the fittings was because your friend invited you (I doubt the bride would have told your friend not to bring you when she asked).

I understand why you're confused, but I wouldn't analyze it too deeply. I would just let it drop.