venting about DH's exwife

[pyrxtc]

Dh and I have custody of his DD every weekend. he pays his child support on time every time in full. DD is getting older and her mother drives me crazy.

She refuses to bring her to the Dr, Dentist, optometrst, or anywhere else it may inconvernience her. We do all of this , of course we have to schedule it all funny cuz we only have her friday night til early monday morning. Her mom wouldn't even go and pick up DD's glasses to have them fit to her face even though they were already paid for and everything. She waited 2 weeks before i had the chance to bring her after they were ready to pick them up cuz her mom kept her for the weekend in between. She buys her crappy clothes to wear but does give her allowance to buy her own clothes. If DD has allowance money left and her mom goes out with her little sister and DD, her mother will buy the little sister ice cream or whatever else she wants but makes DD use her own money and if she doesn't have enough, then too bad, she can't have anything!

latest thing though is DD needs some clothes for school since she has grown a lot from last school year and supposedly all she has is shorts. last year I bought her jenas that her mom asked us to buy and then her mom complained about the brand and wouldn't let DD wear them. Wouldn't be totally surprised if her mom returned them and kept the money. DH and I were mulling over buying her clothes for this year, but since we have 3 kids here it will be very tough and we said when the clothes go on sale, we will get some. DH told her we will match what she gets.

DD just called and said her turtle is sick and her mom is bringing ti to the vet today or tomorrow so she doesn't want to come, she wants to take care of her turtle. I don't blame her. But what irks the hec* out of me if her mom will spend money on the vet but not buy DD school clothes cause she has no money!!?? After DH informed me of the turtle thing I said I'm not buying DD clothes! he agreed. We squeak by most days, we save really hard and pick up extra jobs to take trips and have fun. Our house is expensive to maintain. I don't get Child support from my ex on any regular basis so until I start work in the winter, we are pressed for money too. even with my job, oil prices this year will kill us!!

UGH!!!

 

[RitaZ.]

After DH informed me of the turtle thing I said I'm not buying DD clothes! he agreed. We squeak by most days, we save really hard and pick up extra jobs to take trips and have fun.

I understand your frustration, it's unfair to your DD and you. However, making the decision to not buy your DD any clothes will only punish her, not her mom. Your DD is the one in the middle of this, it's not her fault that her mom is a butthead.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I do not understand the connection. The ex is a PITA so you are going to punish your SD. I don't get it.

 

[Disney Doll]

You sounds frustrated with SDD's mother, with good reason.

That being said, do not punish the child for the sins of her mother. Her mother is the idiot, not the kid. The kid is just stuck in the middle of this adult mess, dealing with adult behaviors that she should not have to deal with.

If you feel as if SDD's mother is not caring for her properly, you should take the opportunity to document all the instances where this happens, document all the extra $$ you guys have to spend on SDD, above and beyond child support, because her mother does not use the child support $$ to support the child. When you have a fairly good amount of documentation (which sounds like it won't take long), I would call an attorney who specializes in family law and discuss the issues that are present with regard to your SDD, and see what can be done.

Would you and DH be willing to have her come live with you, with mother having visitation? Is your home life more stable now than hers is at her mother's? Would it be a better environment for the child? Does she want to live with you? Does she enjoy staying with you? Can the amount of time she spends with you be increased so that you are better able to manage her appointments and such? There are many ways to handle this other than saying "To heck with the kid" which is, in effect, what you are doing by saying you won't buy her school clothes. She is a little girl, and has the same desires as other little girls to have pretty, fashionable things. She doesn't need to get everything she wants, but to send her to school will ill-fitting clothing is just setting her up for more hurt and harrassment from her schoolmates. You know how cruel children can be.

This child needs an adult on her side. She needs an advocate. She needs someone who can rise above her mother's behavior and do what is right for the good of the child.

 

[mickeyfan2]

I agree with Disney Doll.

 

[ElizaB39]

Disney Doll makes many good points.

When and if you buy her school clothes, I would suggest to remove all the tags, wash them and then send them home with SD. Then her mom can't return them because they have been washed and worn.

When you buy her clothes, buy the brands that she has now, that way you will be "in compliance" with the mom's requirements and SD will have clothes to wear.

to you.

 

[pyrxtc]

her mOm wants imited too clothing and I don't buy myself $60 jeans so I'm not buying them for my kids. If we don't buy her clothes, her mom will buy them. it's not like she won't get any. Dh's mom also buys school clothes for DD so she will have some nice ones, again not tyhe brand mom wanted but oh well.

As soon as tax returns come in, we will be heading to an attorney to see about custody. her DR said he will provide statements since he knows the situation since I had to get special permission to sign papers for her. he also has records from her last DR and saw that she was behind on her required shots and hadn't had a physical in years. We only fouhd this out when DD told us and we made an appt right away. Same thing for her dental work, because her mother neglected DD's teeth, she now needs braces instead of just a retainer since one of her teeth came in in front of another one instead of next to it. DD has insurance too, her mom just won't take the time out of her busy (NOT!!) life. She won't even allow DD to do any after school activities cuz she doesn't want to have to pick her up. A big thing that makes me mad at her mom saying that she can't afford clothes is that she quits her jobs contstantly. Just bacause she feels like it. DD tells us every time so we know. And her mother tells her everything right down to moms friends lesbian sex lives. I have nothng agianst lesbian at all but a 12 yr old girl doesn't need to know what goes on between their sheets.

We are going to try for custod same as with my other DD. Every other weekend at her moms and two weeks in the summer. along with special occasions and holidays. We want it settled so that she goes to high school at our house. The district he lives in will put DD in the worst high school in the city they live. It will also give her chance to graduate 8th grade with her friends and start high school with a lot of new kids like most kids up here are doing. Dh is afraid that it will make his ex angry but that's what happens when you neglect your kids, you lose them. I'm willing to make ex angry to raise DD like she should be.

DD has her own room, a bike and all the clothes she needs here. We treat her like all our other kids and encourage her to try new things. for a long time she said she wanted to live with us but now her school friends are important to her. Living with us, she would be able to do all the sports and clubs she wants. she would be able to play outside without fear of bullets on the street. All of her dr are up here already so that will be easy and she has few friends even. We want to go through the court as much as possible without bringing her into though. We don't want to make her choose between her mom and dad. If we can do it all without her having to go before the judge, all the better.