Vent: Why do people ask questions just so they can attack your answer?

[d.kurz]

I think Cookie's suggeation is perfect. Or you could even say that you just haven't decided WHAT to do and you're in the
opinion-collecting-stage. Then they can say what they want and you can just ignore it!!!

 

[tedsmom]

I'd ignore those who aggravated me. After all, you've decided what you feel is best for your child, and that's really all that matters.

 

[Nancy]

The best ones are the ones that AFTER you've told them your plans proceed to tell you all their horror stories...you know the ones..."I tried to go natural, but after 35 hours of excrutiating pain I just wanted that baby out, so I said just knock me out and get it out of me!" ( I was actually told that when I was pregnant with DD #1!)

( I went natural with all 3, no drugs, no IV..no major problems.)

 

[danacara]

Originally posted by BethR
Danacara, I would find it highly offensive if people asked ME what my plans are for my baby, I told them in a calm, rationale manner with no judgements made, and then THEY proceeded to jump all over ME for what I told them.
I think that it awfully presumtuous to jump all over someone simply based upon the answers that they give (breastfeeding, cloth diapers, etc). Just because SOME people are militant about a topic doesn't mean that EVERYONE is militant.

Beth - isn't that the truth with any opinion? Won't people lump you in with the majority of those that share opinions similar to your own?

Of course it is presumptuous, in the same way that racial profiling is presumptuous. People jump to conclusions for reasons that aren't totally legitimate or fair - but it's still done.

I agree with your first paragraph completely. But tell me - if you go to message board that is centered around those issues, if you put yourself out there as a proponent of those issues, and someone jumps on you for them - can you really defend the absolute moral high road? I mean, if the board is centered on those opinions (not centered on you), is someone at fault for challenging them?

Great book out there called "How to Have Difficult Conversations." The author makes the (totally legit) point that oftentimes, we make opinion statements that are actually veiled proclamations of superiority. We're all guilty of it from time to time. Best way to counter that: if you're in doubt as to your own intent, prefix your statement with "I feel."

 

[BethR]

Opinion or not danacara, it is still not fair for someone to ask ones opinions simply to give them a chance to belittle them.
And that is my answer to Kermit.

And please tell me what these questions have to do at all with the discussion at hand?

But tell me - if you go to message board that is centered around those issues, if
you put yourself out there as a proponent of those issues, and
someone jumps on you for them - can you really defend the
absolute moral high road? I mean, if the board is centered on
those opinions (not centered on you), is someone at fault for
challenging them?

 

[danacara]

BethR: I was under the impression that Kermit had this experience on the IVillage message boards.

 

[robinb]

Originally posted by danacara
I think Briar Rose is right, usually it's people with pro-cloth-diapering, pro-extended-breastfeeding, pro-attachment-parenting, pro-natural-childbirth opinions who are the uppity militants.

That just about describes me to a "T" . I had a natural childbirth with a midwife and a doula, I used a cloth diaper service for the first year, I nursed for a long time, I wore my baby at home in a sling and slept with her in our bed. I rather enjoyed being an "uppity militant" .

Kermit, I'm afraid it doesn't stop at childbirth. Just wait until you discuss vaccinations, circumcision, family beds and potty training to name a few. When people would ask me when I was going to wean my daughter I said "She'll be weaned, potty trained and out of our bed by the time she goes to college." My daughter self-weaned at 2 1/2 years and we're still waiting on the other two .

 

[Blondie]

Kermit, you do what you think is best for you and your baby. You will be getting nothing but so called good advice and unsolicited opinions from the experts for the next 5 years!

 

[Pam]

Kermit,
Because they think that they are Mr./Mrs./Ms. Know-It-All!!

Please try and tune them out - it's not worth the stress.
{{{hugs}}}
Pam

 

[Deb in IA]

Kermit, when people force their child-raising advice on you, just smile and say, "I'm glad it worked well for you. Thank you for your advice."
.

.

.

.

Then go on and do what you are planning to do (which sound pretty reasonable to me! )

 

[Laurabearz]

Kermit.... I am soooooo with you on this......... The whole birthing process is an indivual one.......

Here is my unsolictied advice.........

Change positions A lot!!!!!! It really really helps!

 

[Patrick IL.]

Opinions are great, everyone has one I learned along time ago not to give advice unless I had been in the exact situation as the person I was giving opinions to. I am certainly not in this case, but I wanted to wish you the best with you decision!

 

[ZPT1022]

Kermit, I know that this is the last thing you want, but here is some more unsolicited advice Please just try to be open minded. I know that all of these things are great to try and do, but sometimes not everything works out how we plan. I wanted natural childbirth but ended up being induced and yes, I did take pain meds. I was so mad at myself for doing it, but the midwife told me later that it helped me to relax when I wouldn't let myself relax. I was stunted at 4cm and then I got the drugs, relaxed, and boom! 10cm, time to push. I finally let go of my feelings of failure at my 6 week checkup after a long talk with my midwife, and she told me normally she doesn't advocate meds, but if I hadn't I probably would have had a c-section for failure to progress and the baby's heartbeat was starting to get a little off at times. I know it is great to have a plan, you sound like you are already a very caring Mom, but please just don't beat yourself up if everything doesn't go according to plan. My daughter also self-weaned at 11 months, I felt bad about that too, but seriously just try not to get upset if everything doesn't go as planned, I can't stress that enough. Okay, this is the end of the unsolicited advice hour! Sorry, I know that isn't what you were looking for but really your plans sound great, good luck. When are you due?

 

[ZPT1022]

Forgot to say- it will either be people who disagree or people who ask when you're due, look at your belly and disagree with you, that one always made me laugh

 

[LunarLady]

More unsolicited advice, but it works for me:

What I do in any situation is I tell the person exactly what I'm planning on doing and the hell with what they think. (You come off sounding like the superior person Dana accuses people of, but what the heck...at least you're happy)

****

If/when I have a child, I will go with cloth diapers because I feel it's better for the environment. I'm not looking down on those that use plastic, I'm merely making a personal decision for me that I feel is right.

****

If/when I have a child, I'm going to drink a glass of wine occasionally if I'm in the mood and I'm going to take advantage of any and all pain meds I have at my disposal. Period. So there.

****

If/when I have a child, the decision to breast-feed will be made taking into account whether or not the size of my breasts will smother the child. If I choose to breast feel longer than one year, that will be my decision, not yours.

****

I don't particularly want to hear your horror stories or statistics, thank you very much. Women have been breast-feeding for eons and I'm not sure there's any way you can actually screw up the process.

****

If I want to enroll my child at a pre-school academy, I will.

****

If I want to home-school, I'll do that as well.

****

This is my life, not yours. This is my child, not yours. The only advice I'm really interested in is that of my mother/grandmother/best friend who've been supportive and loving of me in the past and have my best interests at heart.

*************************************************

Granted, these answers aren't the most politically correct, or even the most polite answers you can give. However, it's pretty much guaranteed that acquaintances and co-workers will think twice before trying to lay their miserable accounts off on you while you're pregnant. You just have to have the self-confidence to stand up and tell people you're not going to take their "friendly advice" any more.

Best of luck!

 

[Teejay32]

Originally posted by ZPT1022
Forgot to say- it will either be people who disagree or people who ask when you're due, look at your belly and disagree with you, that one always made me laugh

That happened to me a lot.


"When's your due date?" "Next Thursday."

:::long pause:::

"No. You have a while to go yet."

????

 

[ZPT1022]

LOL, Teejay, I had toxemia so at the end I gained weight REALLY fast and I would be out and people would be like "When are you due?" "Two weeks" "You must be having at least two then" Okay, like I didn't feel bad enough Jeeeeez, people really are silly

 

[Kermit]

People are telling me that my due date is wrong. That just makes me want to die laughing. Yes, I am carrying big, but some people just do that. I know for certain what day I ovulated, and I had a few early ultrasounds (which are much more accurate than the late ones), and they agree with my date.

And BTW, these are "real life" friends, not message boards. They're loaded questions asked just to pick a fight. Some of the meaner people (people I don't generally call friends), aren't even polite enough to ask. They'll say stuff like, "I hope you're not thinking about breastfeeding him past 6 months." I just smile sweetly and tell them why I made the decision I've made, but I want to tell them, "I hope you don't think that you're going to have input in the way I raise my child."

 

[luvmydogs]

Kermit, I hear ya'. I was very ill when I was pregnant, and hospitalized in my 5th month. DS7 had to be taken c-section at 32 weeks to save my life. He was in ICU for a month, and I spent some time there, too. I was on anti-seizure meds (and many others) for months after delivery, and couldn't breastfeed. You wouldn't believe some of the responses I got. Like they didn't believe me (or the doctors) when I told them the meds would pass through to the breast milk, and be dangerous to the baby. I was accused of being lazy, and just not trying hard enough. WHAT?!?! Also, OB/GYN reccomended no more babies. People kept telling me (and still do) what a shame it will be that my son would never have any brothers or sisters. (And it wouldn't be a shame if his mother died during her pregnancy or delivery)? I think no matter what your choices, you will find some (thank goodness not all) people who just enjoy being contrary. In some way, it makes them feel superior. Best wishes for a healthy pregnancy, and a happy, healthy baby.

 

[SonjaB]

Kermit, you can always reply "Thank you, we'll give your advice all due consideration", smile sweetly and walk away.

Or just smack them severely about the head and shoulders, whichever feels better.