VENT: "No, i'm not having another!"

[RMulieri]

I'm curious as to how many here (who are so upset toward those who ask if they are having more) have ever tried to convince a newbie to vacation in WDW? You tell them how great it is, and ask if/when they are ever going to go- because you love it! It's more than a little possible that those who ask if you are going to have more, do so because they love having more than one!




Bizarre, isn't it? As a foster parent, I have often been out with four kids, and oh my! The looks and comments I get are far worse than anything the "one and done" crowd here have listed! I only have two, and they are both adopted. I have PCOS, and have never been pregnant. I'm content with the two that I have, we are not TTC, but I am open to having more if/when that happens. If a couple decide to have only one child, or if they decide to have fifteen- what does it matter? I don't understand the militant, derogatory attitude some have toward those who have multiple children.

If you CHOOSE to have just one, and you want others to respect your choice- start by being respectful to those who CHOOSE to have more- both to their face, and behind their back.

I understand what you are trying to say, but asking about a vacation is ALOT different than asking personal private questions about your family planning and reproduction plans.I don't care how many kids people choose to have or not, its not my buisness and I don't ask. IF someone asks me why only one, or when am I having another..most times I say " I can't have anymore" and MOST sensible people with tact accept it and move on..It is the people that are rude and tactless, that upset me.If I give my answer and then people continue to push and pry,Which for some reason seems to be alot of people, and say some of the hurtful things that they have, OR start Badgering my 6 yr old about when Mommy and Daddy are going to give them a sibling, it is NOT OK.It hurts enough as it is,but having to repeat myself or be put on the spot about personal stuff between me, my husband and daughter is not acceptable.I have been called vain, selfish, not a good MOM and not a real parent ,and my personal favorite asked "which one of you is infertile?" because god only blessed me with one beautiful ,healthy child.By more people I can count..How is that fair?I don't critique peoples family size, and I don't assume or stereotype.It is shocking how many people do.

 

[A&E'sMom]

I understand what you are trying to say, but asking about a vacation is ALOT different than asking personal private questions about your family planning and reproduction plans.I don't care how many kids people choose to have or not, its not my buisness and I don't ask. IF someone asks me why only one, or when am I having another..most times I say " I can't have anymore" and MOST sensible people with tact accept it and move on..It is the people that are rude and tactless, that upset me.If I give my answer and then people continue to push and pry,Which for some reason seems to be alot of people, and say some of the hurtful things that they have, OR start Badgering my 6 yr old about when Mommy and Daddy are going to give them a sibling, it is NOT OK.It hurts enough as it is,but having to repeat myself or be put on the spot about personal stuff between me, my husband and daughter is not acceptable.I have been called vain, selfish, not a good MOM and not a real parent ,and my personal favorite asked "which one of you is infertile?" because god only blessed me with one beautiful ,healthy child.By more people I can count..How is that fair?I don't critique peoples family size, and I don't assume or stereotype.It is shocking how many people do.

I understand. Trust me, I've had my share of inappropriate questions. DH and I were married five years before we were able to have children- through adoption. Before that, we were always asked when we were going to "start a family". To which I always replied, that we already were one. Most I could put off with a simple answer, but some would pry far beyond what was tactful or nice. And yes, that was wrong.

The point I am trying to stress here, is not to those who are getting verbally assaulted by "random strangers", or who have fertility issues that are being poked into by nosy neighbors. My ire is raised at those who choose to have only one, expect others to applaud them for it, but then bash those who choose to have more.

Also, I'd have to read it again to be sure, but I think the OP was talking about family members who ask about future children, not strangers or those unaware of her situation. I think that is entirely different than a stranger at a gas station questioning your child about a brother or sister.

 

[Nancyg56]

After posting yesterday on this thread , my dear SIL informed me last night that " You are not a REAL parent till you have more than one"..I guess I am not a real parent

This one strikes a cord with me. DD has one child and is not having another. She and DSIL are wonderful parents and it bothers me every time someone infers that they are not. I have seen people who have several children who should have stopped before they started.

Love this!

DD and DSIL have one child and she is their world. I havew a cousin who pretty much attacked her at a baby shower because of that choice and told her that she was selfish. I would have stepped in ( DD was totally blindsised by the entire conversation and trying not to make a scene) but my SIS IL's sister got there first, pretty much told cousin that her comments were ignorant and that she had no idea why people make the choices they make adn should not make assumptions.

A few months later we joined family for dinner and sure enough my cousin was there. Her DS and DDIL have 7 children, the mom is high risk and 5 of the 7 have had very rocky starts, spending months in ICU. OB told the Mom no more but htey feel that it is their duty to continue. I would have kept my opinion to myself but doesn't she start in again on DD and how she should have more so I could have more grandchildren. This was not only for my benefit, her sis IL was there and neither of her girls are married............yes..............another failure for us and more chips for cousin. So I let her have it. I told her that in my world, continuing to have chidren when that decision could leave the rest of the family without a mother was not only selfish, it was irresponsible. That I was offended every time she put her nose in my family business but since we were sharing such opinions on things that are not our business she should know that I thought that if she was encouraging her DDIL to risk her own life in order to make an even dozen she should reconsider that and make plans to spend her retirement caring for those children if her DDIL died. IMO that was selfish.

I just do not understand why anyone feels it is okay to challenge decsions that are so personal. I would love more grandchildren but that is not my decision. If adn when DH are blessed we will welcome them but if DS and DDIL choose to remain childfree I will respect that adn would hope that others will as well.

DS is dating and already we are hearing that it will be nicce to have little S's running around. I understand the name thing but Holy Cow! Is that what is important? COntinuing the family name? I swear I will strangle the next one who goes there!

 

[Corjack]

We have 3 kids and our youngest is 3 months. Amazing to me a TON of people ask me when we are having another. I got my tubes tied after our last was born so we are done, but MANY people even after I say that tell me about someone who had a tubaligation fail. So I guess it is humanly possible but it would take a miracle. And if a miracle happened then that child is supposed to be with us i guess.

I think a PP was right and people don't mean anything by it they are just going by their own feelings and what they have seen or been through. Many people say they are done and go on to have more, especially when they are still so young.

Jackie

 

[TheDisneyGirl]

You know the people. They see you dating and ask when you'll get married.. you get married and ask when the kids are coming ... you buy a house and ask when the second home will be bought.
They are annoying, and even though they mean well, well, they should just stop asking! LOL
It''s your life, live it! We have two children, we are done. My husband and I are no longer able to have children and we are happy with that decision.
Have fun!

 

[MickeyMomOfThree]

I think no matter what you chose someone's going to have something to say about it (not saying they should, just that they do.). I just learned to ignore it. We wanted 2 kids. DH went to schedule a vacetomy but a few days before the procedure I found out I was pregnant (yes, he sstill had it.) So we have 3, all girls. People asked us all the time if we were "trying for a boy?" Nope, we wanted healthy babies and that is what we got. I hated it at first cause I didn't want the girls to hear that but then I thought about it and they know better. They know we love them and are so happy they are our family, our kids, so I ignored it. We are older now as are the kids, they baby is almost 9 so people don't ask anymore. Rest assured OP it will end at some point, though it may take a while cause you are young as is your child, but it will end at some point.

 

[Belle5]

People ask rude questions no matter what. If you aren't having rude, too-personal questions asked, you must not be on this planet!

My children are older now (six boys--ages 7-23) and I can't tell you how many rude comments were directed toward us (especially if I was pregnant) when the boys were younger. TOTAL strangers would walk up to us in the mall and comment in front of our boys about our family plans. "How on earth are you going to afford to put them all through college?" My personal favorite (while looking at the boys--just had this one happen again recently for the umpteenth time), "Your POOR mother! No girls? I am SO sorry!" I could go on and on...The questions from the relatives are even worse about this subject, though!

 

[scrappingizlife]

I have 3 and keep being told that I will be pregnant by the end of the year. Um no! I refuse to have anymore. I'm scared to make it perm, just in case I have a brief moment of insanity down the road and decide to have one more. But for now 3 is enough. My mom is one of 7, she had 1. Being an only child is not bad, I had tons of cousins to play with, I had to share while they were in my house, but when they went home, my stuff was my stuff, and I was happy with that. I didn't have to worry about people breaking my toys, or sharing my mommy time. I was good. I have an older brother from my dad, but I just met him last year.
You are not selfish, and not every child needs a sibling.

 

[judypriv]

I mentioned this thread to hubby who said i should tell about his story. His mother wanted TWO, a boy first then a girl she could name Susan. Well, she got her boy and then had my hubby seven years later (enough years between the older one would take care of him. Nice huh?). She was DEVESTATED (no gender info. back then) and refused to believe this. She kept calling my hubby Susan until her husband put his foot down. Then seven years later again (for same reason she tried for her "Susan" and she got another boy. She even told then nurse it was not her baby. Hubby thought you would all get a giggle out of that tale!

 

[indimom]

I mentioned this thread to hubby who said i should tell about his story. His mother wanted TWO, a boy first then a girl she could name Susan. Well, she got her boy and then had my hubby seven years later (enough years between the older one would take care of him. Nice huh?). She was DEVESTATED (no gender info. back then) and refused to believe this. She kept calling my hubby Susan until her husband put his foot down. Then seven years later again (for same reason she tried for her "Susan" and she got another boy. She even told then nurse it was not her baby. Hubby thought you would all get a giggle out of that tale!

Tell him he can HAVE my name, it's boring...

My mother loves to share what my father said when presented with his first child (a daughter) in 1967: "Well, at least we don't have to worry about college."
Now, before you get too hard on my poor dad, he ended up sending all FOUR of his daughters to college. (Oh, and allowed his MIL to move into the family home as well. Poor guy, got what he had coming...)

 

[ilovepete]

I have 2 kids, one boy and one girl and people still say stuff that drives me nuts! I think people just say stuff without thinking no matter one. Of course some situations draw more attention than others but it seems like no matter what, you'll get people saying stupid stuff to you anyway.

 

[disfan07]

I'm only 21 and I already know that unless I end up having more than 2 because of multiples I am not having more than 2.

I am one of 2 and I like it that way. For me, a huge reason really is financial. My parents had originally thought about having a 3rd but decided against it. They dont regret it one bit. They could have handled it financially until I got sick. In the past 5 years we have paid more than $100,000 in medical bills for me. If my parents had a 3rd, we would have been in a deep hole. They said that not having a 3rd was the best decision they ever made. Medical bills would have been harder to pay, and a stable retirement would just have been a dream. My dad is already planning on working until at least 70 and he's not thrilled about that.

I want to be able to give my kids everything I was given. Nice house in an amazing neighborhood with outstanding schools. Car at 16 (not new...used car). Vacations at least once a year. A nice Bar/Bat Mitavah party. College paid for. I also want to be able to save for retirement and to be able to help my kids if I need to. I know that with more than 2, the chances of being able to do all of that go down and maybe it sounds selfish to some but I would rather have 2 kids adn be able to do all of that than have more than 2 kids.

I am also going to have health problems for the rest of my life and at about $20,000/year in addition to insurance I'm not going to have a lot of money sitting around. And with everything that I have been through, I am very aware at how quickly these can develop and it is something that I want to be prepared for just in case.

Also, medically, having more than 2 would be extremely stupid on my part. It's not even known if i will be able to have one. My pregnancies will have to be very very well planned. I am on a medication that if I get pregnant on it, I will have a miscarraige....no question about it because of what the medication is and it's side effects. I get a lecture everytime I am at the doctors about not doing something stupid while I am away at school because of the side effects of an accidental pregnancy. So there will be no kids by "accident" or unplanned for at least the next 10 years.

Also, babysitting a family of 4 kids cured me of any possibility of wanting 4 kids. I loved those kids but I was so glad to go home after being with them for a while. Their mom asked me once if they had scared me from ever having kids of my own...lol