Uninvolved sibling-elderly parent

[Swan4Me]

I KNOW this subject has been discussed here a lot.....but until it happens to YOU

We are dealing with piles of issues at the moment-painting and selling mom's house, dealing with the death of her husband and repercussions-like health benefits that we are late doing(his kids are dealing with HIS estate-their monies are seperate)...on and on

When we get him involved, like painting-he does that job then leaves, leaving other brother and i with the gazillion of other stuff that needs doing-replace light plates, cleanup. paint trim, replace door hinges-its like he turns a blind eye to all that we had to do

We do lots of emails and this brother NEVER responds, never says he even reads them...it is beyond frustrating

(and he never visits Mom in the nursing home-maybe once every 3 months )

ok vent over

 

[okeydokey]

Unfortunately, you can't make someone behave the way you want them to.

It's time you all got together in person to have a discussion. Make a complete and comprehensive list of EVERYTHING that needs to be done in the next six months and then get together to divide the work. Be specific. Do not just write down paint living room. Write down, tape off baseboards and trim, remove light plates, wash brushes etc.

Make a written list for everyone to take with them after the meeting that outlines their duties. You still can't make him follow through, but at least you can show him what needs to be done.

 

[powellrj]

We went through this with DHs parents and now we are going through it with my parents. DHs brothers were beyond worthless. We were doing it all and at the very end when the house had been sold and we needed to be out, they were still dragging their heels about getting their stuff that we had gathered and boxed up for them moved into their houses. Forget about them helping and being their when their parents were ill, since we were local, we could take care of it all.

Now my mom had dementia and my bother is in denial. My DSIL is a godsend.

 

[Andtototoo]

I always laugh out loud when someone berates me for having only one child on the grounds that, "But who will help her deal with you when you get old?" I laugh because my mother was one of three siblings and the only one who EVER took her parents on the myraid number of errands, doctor's appointments, etc. The only one who visited them in the hospital. The only one who visited my grandmother in the assisted care place or nursing home for the five years she was there. The only one who bought them food or clothing. The only one who packed up their apartment... until my aunt decided she wanted stuff and then WHAMBAMZOWEE! did my aunt get there with a truck and haul stuff away.

So in other words -- people are what they are, good and bad. You can't change them. But what you should do is stop counting on them to help because they're not going to. Move on and forget about them.

 

[disneychic2]

OP, sorry you have a disinterested brother. That must be so difficult! It's fine for you to come here and rant.

My mother was just diagnosed with Alzheimers and both she and my father are in denial about what needs to happen. She has been told by her heart dr that she shouldn't be driving (over a year ago) and now, two more health care professionals have said she needs to stop driving due to the Alzheimers. My Dad insists she is fine to drive and she thinks so too. "But I'm so careful." My sister lives in Texas and I'm the only one nearby. In fact we moved 2 years ago so I could be nearby as we could see the writing on the wall back then. I get that it's hard to accept something like that, but they had plenty to say when her brother was diagnosed with Alzheimers and wouldn't stop driving! It makes me nuts!!

OP, I hope your mom doesn't get upset that your brother doesn't come by. I'm glad she has you and your other brother and that you two have each other. Good luck to you!

 

[dakcp2001]

Every family has the one person who bears the brunt of the work. And the others all show up when the estate needs to be settled IF there is anything of value to be had. The amount of effort they put in then will stun you. Never had time to help mom cook, clean, or get to her md appointment, but plenty of time to hire lawyers and go to court to fight over what little mom had left or pilfer through her belongings. As a nurse, I see this sort of thing all the time and it makes me so sad.

 

[sparklynails23]

Is he the youngest? Has he always had a different relationship with your mom that you and the other brother?

 

[Swan4Me]

Yesterday she kept insisting she only had one son and I was her granddaughter , bless her heart
I did a nail beauty salon on her fingernails and we went over picture books to help her memory, but sadly when she doesn't see someone much she gets confused

 

[Shanna-like-Banana]

hhhmmm, a very detailed list would be great.

Another thing, is maybe, just to light his fire is to get some written estimates for what it would cost to hire people out to do the jobs ?

I'd present it different ways. Either tell him that this is how much it would cost and he'd need to pay x amount or that here is his list of things to do.

Is this your brother ? half brother ? the husbands son ?

I'd be chimming in on the husbands family to help out

 

[disneychic2]

Yesterday she kept insisting she only had one son and I was her granddaughter , bless her heart
I did a nail beauty salon on her fingernails and we went over picture books to help her memory, but sadly when she doesn't see someone much she gets confused

Awww. So sad.

 

[sparklynails23]

Who decided the house needs to be fixed up? Was everyone involved, or does the uninvolved one just want to sell it as is?

 

[Swan4Me]

The house is done now - walls were beat up due to wheelchair hitting corners etc
We have a potential buyer
We are discussing many issues now almost daily emaile between the 4 siblings
We are all children of Mom
This ONE brother is the issue with NO input, no responses...so we just carry on
That is my vent

 

[Rylee]

Dear OP,

I hope you can come to realize, in the end... there is a reward for all you are going through and all you do. You will have more memories of time spent with your elderly parent/s and you will be at peace with yourself, knowing you did the "right thing," caring for your parent/s as they did for you when you were young.

Most parents love their children equally and treat them all the same. So, when the time comes, any inheritance is usually divided equally between the siblings. (I only bring this up because so many of these uninvolved siblings suddenly become quite involved when it comes time to divide things up.) However, you will be far richer, you will have shared the precious gift of time with your loved one. Also, many time during role-reversal, (children caring for parents) it presents an unique opportunity to really get to know your mother/father, not just as your parents, but on an entirely different level. You mother will also find peace in knowing how capable you are and knowing you will be "okay" when she is gone.

My sweet mother passed last Nov., I cherish the time we had in her late years. I only wish I could had done more. As for my brother, he was like your brother and you know what... if my mother was here, she would say, "Instead of being angry with him, you should feel sorry for him, apparently he doesn't know any better."

She's right... how much he missed.

 

[Swan4Me]

Thank you rylee

 

[Disney Doll]

Dear OP,

I hope you can come to realize, in the end... there is a reward for all you are going through and all you do. You will have more memories of time spent with your elderly parent/s and you will be at peace with yourself, knowing you did the "right thing," caring for your parent/s as they did for you when you were young.

Most parents love their children equally and treat them all the same. So, when the time comes, any inheritance is usually divided equally between the siblings. (I only bring this up because so many of these uninvolved siblings suddenly become quite involved when it comes time to divide things up.) However, you will be far richer, you will have shared the precious gift of time with your loved one. Also, many time during role-reversal, (children caring for parents) it presents an unique opportunity to really get to know your mother/father, not just as your parents, but on an entirely different level. You mother will also find peace in knowing how capable you are and knowing you will be "okay" when she is gone.

My sweet mother passed last Nov., I cherish the time we had in her late years. I only wish I could had done more. As for my brother, he was like your brother and you know what... if my mother was here, she would say, "Instead of being angry with him, you should feel sorry for him, apparently he doesn't know any better."

She's right... how much he missed.

This is a great post.

 

[gator75]

OP i know how you feel i have 3 siblings none of which even care that they are on the same planet as my parents. I live with my parents to make sure they get the care they need , and to keep them out of a nursing home. I do it all right now i'm dealing with my mom who has 2 broken ribs due to a nasty fall, and where are the rest of them ? who knows.

This treatment will come back to bite them though my parents both disinherited them and left it all to me. Do i care not really i have dealt with some pretty major things on my own and theer is no way my siblings are going to come in and think they can do what they want. My name is already on their property so when they die it passes to me. When something happens and they come around it will be called tresspassing and they will be delt with accordingly.

 

[luvavacation]

Oh my gosh, Rylee, that was an incredibly inspiring post for those of us that are caring for elderly loved ones!

Swan4me, I know how you feel. My mom has Alzheimer's, and has lived with me for 2 years now. I have a younger brother that cries in such dramatic fashion on how hard this is on him, living 3 states away, knowing that mom is losing her memory. Oh, so hard on him, the person that works for the airlines and can fly mom for free to stay with him, just to give me a break, but see that is just too hard for him to do, God forbid she get in the way of his "life". It is "better" if he comes to stay with me, live in my home, eat my food, and mess up my home with his slovenly ways. I really detest it when he comes home, but my mom loves it, and who knows how much longer I can do things to make her happy? I learned long ago that brother is worthless, and all he is interested in is keeping my mom in my home so we don't lose the inheritance in a nursing home. And he is my mom's favorite. Joy.

DH and I are presently getting my mom's house ready to put on the market. The people renting are moving out, and guess who all the responsibility of getting the house ready to market is falling upon? Me and my saint of a husband. All brother does is tell me what his lowest sale price is, but does he help get the house ready? No. His back hurts, you know. Or his gout is acting up. Or his head hurts. When mom goes, I bet you anything nothing will hurt as he demands equal split of inheritance and goes off to spend whatever he gets.

As it is, my mom's will has my brother with 55%, me with 45%. See, I am married, he is a lonely gay man with a terrible temper and drug/alcohol problem that no one wants to be in a relationship with. Since he will have to support himself, he gets a higher percentage. Oh well, at least I know that my conscience will be clear when the time comes that my mom passes on. As will yours, Swan4 me, and all who care for ailing relatives.

 

[stsomewhere]

This is happening with my grandparents. They had 5 kids. But, only my aunt is close to them. She lives just a few minutes away.

My mom and uncles never saw my grandparents when they were in good health. My mom and uncles have had failing outs with my grandparents. I don't know over what.

My aunt takes care of them about 6 hours a day. They really need to go into a nursing home. My grandpa is very vocal that they will not be going into a home.
My aunt insists that her siblings come and help take care of the. Everyone else wants them to go into a home. It has caused a lot of tension between the siblings. I fell bad for my aunt because she is under so much stress.

My grandparents can barely see and are very mean. My grandpa mentioned that he is going to have a family meeting and assign nights for people to stay with them since he doesn't feel comfortable staying at the house by themselves.

I use to visit my grandparents all the time. But, as my kids got older and more involved in activities it is harder. I visited less frequently when every visit they would swear and scream at me. But, when they started on my kids that was it.

 

[sparklynails23]

This is happening with my grandparents. They had 5 kids. But, only my aunt is close to them. She lives just a few minutes away.

My mom and uncles never saw my grandparents when they were in good health. My mom and uncles have had failing outs with my grandparents. I don't know over what.

My aunt takes care of them about 6 hours a day. They really need to go into a nursing home. My grandpa is very vocal that they will not be going into a home.
My aunt insists that her siblings come and help take care of the. Everyone else wants them to go into a home. It has caused a lot of tension between the siblings. I fell bad for my aunt because she is under so much stress.

My grandparents can barely see and are very mean. My grandpa mentioned that he is going to have a family meeting and assign nights for people to stay with them since he doesn't feel comfortable staying at the house by themselves.

I use to visit my grandparents all the time. But, as my kids got older and more involved in activities it is harder. I visited less frequently when every visit they would swear and scream at me. But, when they started on my kids that was it.

That's a tough one. I guess people who are in the beginning stages of Alzheimers can have personality changes and might become mean, but if they have always been mean, I think you made the right decision. Your kids should definitely not be exposed to scary situations.

If your grandparents don't want to be alone, they should pay for caretakers, but paid people won't be cussed at.

 

[stsomewhere]

That's a tough one. I guess people who are in the beginning stages of Alzheimers can have personality changes and might become mean, but if they have always been mean, I think you made the right decision. Your kids should definitely not be exposed to scary situations.

If your grandparents don't want to be alone, they should pay for caretakers, but paid people won't be cussed at.

It is a difficult situation. They don't have Alzheimers. They are just miserable. My grandpa has told me for the last 10 yrs that he is ready to die.
My grandma had it in her head that my husband and I were having marriage troubles sine I was going on vacation without him. She called me 10-20 times a day to talk to me about it. It drove me crazy.

I am not sure why my aunt does not want them to go into a nursing home. She is so stressed and overwhelmed with taking care of them. She feels that she can not do anything or have a life.
Every time my mom and uncles try to convince her that they need to go in a home, my aunt gets really mad and tells them that they need to help her with the care of my grandparents.

None of the siblings live close. They all live a few hours away.