unhappy in a marriage

[AlleyKat]

If there is no abuse I think you stick it out for the kid. You have to do what's best for the child.

Often times, the best thing for the child is for the parents to divorce!

 

[AlleyKat]

Do not stay with someone for the children--big, big mistake. I did that and was miserable for 10 years that I will never get back. Children are damaged by staying in dysfunctional families just as much as they are by divorce, if not more.

Amen!

 

[Art 1]

No, it wasn't child abuse. He just had his head up his butt.

I would disagree. You had to pressure him for food money. When one is under the influence of drugs one cannot take proper care of the child. What if there was an emergency and he could not take proper care of the situation. He may have been bringing drug dealers, who are criminals, to your home. You may not want to think it's child abuse but many people could argue that it was.

 

[spacemermaid]

Life's too short to be unhappy by choice. Kids are more intuitive than they let on to be, and it couldn't be a good thing (or a good example of how a relationship should work) for your child to grow up knowing that you're miserable in your marriage yet stay in it anyhow. Growing up witnessing a dysfunctional marriage is far worse than growing up with divorced parents, IMO. (And I say this as someone who's grateful to my Mom for not staying with my father when it became an unbearable situation)

 

[minkydog]

I think you have already made your decision. It seems to me that you're looking for people to agree with you that it's okay do ditch the husband you made a baby with because you're "unhappy", so you can take it up with the old/new boyfriend. I feel sorry for your child. This is a heckuva lesson to teach her.

The OP is the only one who knows both sides of the story. My personal belief is that divorce should be a last resort, after you've absolutley exhausted all remedies. I do believe that divorce is the appropriate decision in cases of alcoholism, addiction, adultery, and abuse. Being "unhappy" doesn't make the list, IMO. As a child of divorce, I can tell you there are long-term repercussions for children. Every action has an equal reaction.

 

[aristocatz]

I say you need to do what is best for you and your child. Sometimes that means seeking counseling and trying to make it work and sometimes that means ending it as cordially as you can with a commitment to continuing to raise your child together, both emotionally and financially.

ONLY YOU can decide what is best for your situation. Sometimes there is no point to prolong it by seeking counseling if you know in your heart you just don't want to continue the relationship. It has to be a mutual decision.

IF you do decide to leave, I think the WORST thing you can do for your child and for yourself would be to jump into another relationship with your old boyfriend. That is really confusing and not fair to your child & I can almost garuntee that he/she will resent you for doing that. It is also not healthy for you. You need to take time for yourself to clear your head and it is crucial to focus on your time spent with your child, helping him/her heal and establishing a new bond with him/her in your new role as single mother. Only after you are certain that your child feels comfortable, safe, and happy in their new relationship and situation should you even CONSIDER dating again.

If you jump from one relationship to another, you are being extremely selfish.

Being married is not always the best situation for a child, especially if you are not happy. Kids are not stupid or oblivious. But please DO NOT desert or disrespect your child by jumping into another relationship. Even if you decide not to be a wife anymore, you are always first and foremost a mother and your child's well being should be your #1 priority. I hope you keep that in mind when the old boyfriend pops into your head.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

You need to focus on WHY you are unhappy in your marriage, and whether that unhappiness is something that can be resolved. Why did you marry your current husband? Do you still love him? Would counseling help you through this situation? If so, I think you owe it to everyone in your family to at least try to fix your current relationship.

If you no longer are in love with your husband, then I am sorry. You should end your relationship. But you should also probably avoid this "old boyfriend" until you work through whatever other issues you have.

 

[kimblebee]

I would disagree. You had to pressure him for food money. When one is under the influence of drugs one cannot take proper care of the child. What if there was an emergency and he could not take proper care of the situation. He may have been bringing drug dealers, who are criminals, to your home. You may not want to think it's child abuse but many people could argue that it was.

I'm not in the mood to argue or hijack this thread but I will say that he worked and I stayed home. He was never the only one who was home with her. I think you are making it a bigger deal that it actually was. I would never say to someone to stay together for the sake of the children. As a PP said, kids pick up on things.

 

[LuvOrlando]

If you were married to the love of your life and things slid out of place due to the monotony of family life I would say work on things. But, if I understand your post correctly, you married this person simply because you had a child together and have now already picked up with another guy. Children are not a good reason to get married, and alone are not a good reason to stay married.

I am not an advocate of divorce at all, but I have to say, it sounds like you have already checked out on this marriage and started a new life... you just didn't close the old one first. Personally I don't see the conflict, you sound like you've already made your decision. But be warned, just because the old guy digs you as someone else's wife doesn't mean he wants to start a new life with you and raise another man's child. Like so many women who like married men, this guy might just like the adrenaline of taking what belongs to someone else. If being alone is better than being married that's one thing, but don't leave expecting your ex to take you and your kid on full time. There is a reason why he became your ex and whatever that reason was didn't change... people don't change.

Whatever you do though, treat your DH with the respect the father of your child deserves. If you are cheating, it is my opinion that it is not ok to expose your child's father to disease or the mental anguish that comes with being cheated on... it's unfair to your daughter to deprive her of the best father she can possibly have. Cheating is not ok no matter what the circumstances may be.

 

[PaulaSB12]

How does your child get on with his father? If he loves him very much it would be fairer to leave him with his father. Have you tried to kick start your marriage ? Or is your old boyfriend the excuse you are using to get out a relationship you no longer feel happy in.

 

[dislaney]

Don't stay just because you have a child. Children can tell when their parents aren't happy. If you think you can somehow make your marriage work and be reasonably happy by all means do it, otherwise get out now.

 

[usnuzuloose]

So you start a new relationship, what you will be doing is watching him to see if he will cheat on you and vice versa. No one can commit to the relationship. Next you are teaching your daughter to go from one person to the next if you are not happy. So where do you find happiness? Just a thought. Work on your marriage. Please teach your daughter how to commit. JO

 

[Boxley]

Why blame the kid?

You seem to have married him because you had a kid, now you want to stay with your husband because of the kid?

I think you want the old boyfriend because it is new and exciting, just work on your marriage. Marriage is not to be taken lightly.

 

[Allison]

What do you mean by back in the picture? You are married. Why are you letting someone else back in?

Are you unhappy because this other person is back in the picture? Ask yourself if you would be considering this if an old boyfriend wasn't around.

 

[Magic Mom]

Here's my experience as the child of divorce. My father decided he wasn't happy when I was about 13. He found his "true love" and dated her while he was married. I wasn't aware, but my little brother was ( he caught them while he and my dad were vacationing , although Dad didn't know). It caused him to have night terrors for years. When Dad left he said it was for us, because it wasn't fair for us to live with parents that weren't happy. He immediately got two apartments, one where she lived and one in our city, He spent a lot of time and money on her, while we had to scrimp, buy our clothes at goodwill and give up activities for our "New better life." He eventually married the other woman. For years they insisted that they only wanted what was best for us. I held my tongue for a long while and finally told them what I will tell you. If this is about a happy home life for your child, then stay away from the other person until you have divorced, settled completely into a new life, and helped your child deal with with having her life turned upside down! When all that is done THEN you can chase after the "Grass is Greener Guy." Until then focus on your child and not the sparkly new toy in your life.

Do I sound a little bitter about it? I am still a little bit. Don't do the same to your kid.

 

[Allison]

I agree with the bolded statement MagicMom.

If there are problems in the marriage, that needs to be what is dealt with. An interest in someone else needs to be put on hold.

 

[Magic Mom]

I agree with the bolded statement MagicMom.

If there are problems in the marriage, that needs to be what is dealt with. An interest in someone else needs to be put on hold.

Exactly. You're much better at getting to the point than I am.

 

[marlynnp]

So, you and your husband had a child together before marriage, continued to date for another 4 or 5 years and then decided to get married and now you realize you're unhappy because an old boyfriend showed up??? Why'd you get married in the first place? It wasn't like you rushed to do so because you were pregnant. You had plenty of time to decide if he was who you wanted to commit to. Relationships take work.

Forget about the old boyfriend - no matter what HE should not be in the picture. The grass isn't any greener on the other side.

Now, what the heck do you want? If you can't work things out in your marriage - and I see NO indication that you've tried - then get a divorce. And after you're divorced you can think about getting involved with someone else.

 

[CathrynRose]

I didn't even read any replies.....

If you feel you have exhausted all the resources on trying to make your current marriage work, I'd leave. Not necessarily for the other man, but for yourself. To stay in a marriage for a child is ridiculous (and dumb! - you don't think a kid can pick up on parent's tension?)

My g/f's parents stayed together for the kids - and it was the most miserable years for my g/f from 10-18. She has such a hard time with men now, too. She walks on egg shells around them (from seeing her mother do it) She is never herself with them. This is a beautiful, funny, smart, incredible 37 year old woman, who is insecure around men - and she places the blame for much of that on her parents dysfunctional relationship that she got to witness for 8 years.

I say - life is too short to be unhappy. Be happy. Let your child see you happy. Let your child see your husband, happy (I imagine he's not oblivious to issues in your marriage, correct?)

Big hugs.

 

[minkydog]

Here's my experience as the child of divorce. My father decided he wasn't happy when I was about 13. He found his "true love" and dated her while he was married. I wasn't aware, but my little brother was ( he caught them while he and my dad were vacationing , although Dad didn't know). It caused him to have night terrors for years. When Dad left he said it was for us, because it wasn't fair for us to live with parents that weren't happy. He immediately got two apartments, one where she lived and one in our city, He spent a lot of time and money on her, while we had to scrimp, buy our clothes at goodwill and give up activities for our "New better life." He eventually married the other woman. For years they insisted that they only wanted what was best for us. I held my tongue for a long while and finally told them what I will tell you. If this is about a happy home life for your child, then stay away from the other person until you have divorced, settled completely into a new life, and helped your child deal with with having her life turned upside down! When all that is done THEN you can chase after the "Grass is Greener Guy." Until then focus on your child and not the sparkly new toy in your life.

Do I sound a little bitter about it? I am still a little bit. Don't do the same to your kid.

I could have written your post. When my dad left us he said the same thing and immediately hooked up with another woman he had been dating. Left my mother in a rental house, an old car, and no money in the bank account. Oh, and five kids. Never paid child support, he even left the country and worked in Saudi Arabia, making big tax-free bucks that she couldn't touch. He left and never looked back. It came back to bite him 30 years later when he was dying and nobody cared. Oh sure, I did the right thing. I took care of him, made sure he didn't die alone and in pain. His psychic pain was immense, however, as his physical body slowly died and his brain remained intact. He had lots of time to contemplate his life and he was very very sorry for his choices in life. Too little too late. I have no sorrow in my heart for his loss. Just the knowledge that I did the right thing and I have no regrets about my own behavior.