unhappy in a marriage

[Cornhusk]

So, you and your husband had a child together before marriage, continued to date for another 4 or 5 years and then decided to get married and now you realize you're unhappy because an old boyfriend showed up??? Why'd you get married in the first place? It wasn't like you rushed to do so because you were pregnant. You had plenty of time to decide if he was who you wanted to commit to. Relationships take work.

Forget about the old boyfriend - no matter what HE should not be in the picture. The grass isn't any greener on the other side.

Now, what the heck do you want? If you can't work things out in your marriage - and I see NO indication that you've tried - then get a divorce. And after you're divorced you can think about getting involved with someone else.

 

[MoniqueU]

This won't end well, the marriage or the thread.

 

[wdwmom0f3]

Something else to think about, this is an EX boyfriend that has come back in the picture, right? There must have been a reason that that relationship didn't work out the first time. Just saying...

Also, you have been handed some excellent advice in this thread. You are going to have to be the one to live with your decision, but you need to be very careful because you really don't know what you have until it's gone. I know you have heard that, we all have, but it is so very true. Therefore, you should really think this through.

I will also tell you that no marriage is perfect. They all have their ups and downs, but walking away and giving up is the easy way out. The people that I know, and myself included, with the strongest marriages are the ones who stick it out and work hard for it. They go to therapy, they go on dates, they communicate with each other. It's so easy to get mad at the other one and shut down and give up, but if you have a history of doing that, what makes you think another relationship would be any different?

You just need to remember that the grass really is NOT always better on the other side, and in most cases there is no going back. It just comes down to you, and what you want. No one can help you with that, but yourself.

 

[tinkerdorabelle]

Wow. I don't know if I understand, but if you are saying you have a boyfriend, you definitely should not be married. Does your husband know? If you want to work out the marriage, end the boyfriend first. If you want the boyfriend, end the marriage.

 

[Colleen27]

Personally, I'd ignore all the feel-good advice about how kids deserve to see Mom happy and take a hard look at your own personal reality. Sticking it out for the kids has gotten an unnecessarily bad rap in our "instant gratification" culture. Of course in a perfect world all kids would have happily married parents, but in the real world the consequences of divorce are often much more serious than the consequences of living with parents who are kind to one another but not madly in love/soulmates. If the relationship isn't abusive or otherwise toxic, you really have to weigh the alternatives carefully - If you leave your husband, what does your financial future look like? Will you have to uproot your child and move away from her school and friends to make ends meet? How many hours will you need to work to support her on your own? Who will care for her during that time?

Perhaps most importantly as you consider how you want to proceed, don't let the ex be a factor! If you decide you're unhappy enough in your marriage to take on the challenges of single parenting, you need to make that decision thinking only of your child and yourself, not about the temptation of another man. And if you choose to leave, you need to focus on helping your child get through the changes before you even think about bringing another man into your life.

 

[PaulaSB12]

Personally, I'd ignore all the feel-good advice about how kids deserve to see Mom happy and take a hard look at your own personal reality. Sticking it out for the kids has gotten an unnecessarily bad rap in our "instant gratification" culture. Of course in a perfect world all kids would have happily married parents, but in the real world the consequences of divorce are often much more serious than the consequences of living with parents who are kind to one another but not madly in love/soulmates. If the relationship isn't abusive or otherwise toxic, you really have to weigh the alternatives carefully - If you leave your husband, what does your financial future look like? Will you have to uproot your child and move away from her school and friends to make ends meet? How many hours will you need to work to support her on your own? Who will care for her during that time?

Perhaps most importantly as you consider how you want to proceed, don't let the ex be a factor! If you decide you're unhappy enough in your marriage to take on the challenges of single parenting, you need to make that decision thinking only of your child and yourself, not about the temptation of another man. And if you choose to leave, you need to focus on helping your child get through the changes before you even think about bringing another man into your life.

I would add that if 2/3 of the family is happy and only 1/3 is unhappy then the unhappy member should be the one to move out. Yes to stay together isn't good for the child or the father but to move the child out of a happy home for selfish desires is also wrong. Let the child stay in the family home I am sure the father will come to visitation agreements.

 

[pixiefairy]

I think you need to take a long hard look at why you feel the way you do. If there is something you can do to fix things...then try that first. Do counseling...talk to each other...DO something. Don't just walk away because something else seems more exciting. Does your husband know how you feel? Have you told him you aren't happy and why you aren't happy? If so, is he willing to try? You aren't the only one you should be thinking about...your child and your husband deserve some sort of courtesy. Don't stay together for the child...that's the worse thing to do. My mom did it...she was miserable for years. And whatever you do....bringing the old/new ex into the picture is bad, bad, bad. Get your head together...and if things don't work out and the other guy is still willing....wait until your marriage is OFFICIALLY done and over with. Whatever happens...best of luck to all of you.

 

[bettymae1121]

I'm not a fan of staying together just for the kids. Even if the adults involved treat each other well, it's a very long time to put your life on hold. If the divorce is handled well with the least amount of disruption possible, in the long run everyone involved can be better off. My friend's mother stayed with the father for years "for the sake of the children" and friend's father left her for another woman anyway. Looking back on it, my friend and her sister wish their mom had left years before, their mother would have been much happier for it. 20 years later their mom is still bitter about the whole thing. That's no way for anyone to live their life.

That said, I generally think couples should attempt to work things out (baring abuse of some sort, of course) before throwing in the towel. The OP didn't list why she is unhappy, or if her husband is unhappy as well. If he still loves her and is willing to work on it, I think the OP should tell her hubby that she is having issues, and she feels they need couples counseling. If he is unhappy too, then they need to decide together if counseling will work, or if they both feel that it's over and it won't help.

No matter what, OP needs to leave the Ex out of the equation. If she wants to work on it or wants out, either way it's fine but the decision needs to be independant of this other guy. If she decides to split, once the divorce is final and things are settle down, IF she and the Ex are still interested, then start dating. Either way, she needs to tell Ex that she needs to get her life in order first, and even if she decides to end her marriage it will likely be at least a year (probably longers, divorces are not instant) before she is available. I'm betting Ex won't want to hang around that long, which would tell the OP a lot about how strong his feelings are. If he's not in love with her enough to be willing to wait, is this guy really worth ending her marriage over?

 

[*pixie*dust*]

You have a boyfriend and a husband?

I think it is time to put the big girl pants on and get real. I am sure cheating is exciting right now -- its new and different. But if the boyfriend will mess around with a married woman, he will eventually mess around on you. When the thrill wears off he will be gone.

Break things off with the boyfriend.

Decide what is really going on with you.

Then make a marriage decision.

How much respect is DD going to have for you when she realizes Mom was cheating and that is why she can't live with Daddy anymore?

 

[tasha99]

You have a boyfriend and a husband?

I think it is time to put the big girl pants on and get real. I am sure cheating is exciting right now -- its new and different. But if the boyfriend will mess around with a married woman, he will eventually mess around on you. When the thrill wears off he will be gone.

Break things off with the boyfriend.

Decide what is really going on with you.

Then make a marriage decision.

How much respect is DD going to have for you when she realizes Mom was cheating and that is why she can't live with Daddy anymore?

I do agree that the OP should not pursue the new guy unless she gets into a position where she is stable and single. However, to say someone who would have an affair when they aren't married would if they were married is a huge generalization, and not true.

As for DD having respect no respect for her mom if she goes down this road, I disagree as well. My dad was a serial cheater on my mom, which ultimately caused their divorce. I love and respect him just fine. As a young child, I was not privy to such information, and as a young adult, I knew that my parents were flawed people with both admirable and less than admirable qualities (as we all are).

 

[CookieGVB]

I have to disagree with this. I was married for only 2 years when I decided to end my marriage. I found out that my husband was using pot a LOT more than I thought he was. It wasn't a big deal for me until I had to fight with him to get money for food before he spent it all on weed. He wasn't a druggie by a long shot but definitely didn't have his priorities in order. Since my daughter was very young she doesn't remember him living here so for her, two households is the norm. There is no way I would have stuck it out just for her sake. All 3 of us are better off this way.

If he actually thought that money should be spent on pot before spending it on groceries, then yeah - he was an addict.

 

[Tikitoi]

The OP knows what they want to do. That's why they haven't responded back to their thread.

 

[Cornhusk]

I have to disagree with this. I was married for only 2 years when I decided to end my marriage. I found out that my husband was using pot a LOT more than I thought he was. It wasn't a big deal for me until I had to fight with him to get money for food before he spent it all on weed. He wasn't a druggie by a long shot but definitely didn't have his priorities in order. Since my daughter was very young she doesn't remember him living here so for her, two households is the norm. There is no way I would have stuck it out just for her sake. All 3 of us are better off this way.

As horrible as your situation was, that is not indicated with the OP. This situation is way different and is a case of a mother/wife to stop thinking of herself.

 

[Luvchefmic]

The OP knows what they want to do. That's why they haven't responded back to their thread.

Find that a lot around here...with the OP I think she was looking for some validation and didn't expect to have her feet held to the fire.....I feel sorry for the child & the husband....I'm not saying the marriage doesn't need work but boy it seems easier to take a "grass is greener on the other side" ...and truth is I think emotionally she has already left

 

[FireDancer]

If there is no abuse I think you stick it out for the kid. You have to do what's best for the child.

Oh God no, do not stick it out for the kids.

I can't speak from the spouse side of the situation but I can for the kids involved. Staying together for the kids is the exact wrong thing to do and isn't doing your children any favors. My mom stayed married to my dad way to long because she thought it was best for us, meaning my brothers and me. Oh boy was she wrong. Kids aren't stupid, we (and they) know that something isn't right and it makes for an unhappy house. The times my parents were separated were by far the best times growing up.

Perhaps other people had different experiences but if one parent is miserable it trickles down to everyone else and I personally think it is terrible to do that to your children. My mom had the best intentions but we are all unanimous in wishing she had made a different decision 22(ish) years ago.

Something else to think about, this is an EX boyfriend that has come back in the picture, right? There must have been a reason that that relationship didn't work out the first time. Just saying...

Amen. While there are the exceptions most relationships will end the second time for the same reason they ended the first time.

 

[Va-bear]

Personally, I'd ignore all the feel-good advice about how kids deserve to see Mom happy and take a hard look at your own personal reality. Sticking it out for the kids has gotten an unnecessarily bad rap in our "instant gratification" culture. Of course in a perfect world all kids would have happily married parents, but in the real world the consequences of divorce are often much more serious than the consequences of living with parents who are kind to one another but not madly in love/soulmates. If the relationship isn't abusive or otherwise toxic, you really have to weigh the alternatives carefully .

I couldnt agree w/ you more. I think if you can 'fake it' for the kids, they deserve that. There is new (and old) research to back that up.....Kids often really suffer in divorce, for a looong time. I would go on for them.

ps - This post is meant to be in regard to a ho-hum marriage that is dull, but bearable. In cases w/ abuse, extreme arguing, etc. staying together is not the answer.....

Good luck.

 

[PixieDust32]

Staying married just because you have a kid and you want to make that kid happy? Well, let me tell you that doesn't make him happy, kids aren't going to be happy seeing their parents living like strangers or having affairs,fights etc.
We cannot tell you what to do, but this is my opinion, I divorced my first husband when my older son was 10 and I know it was hard for him but a few months after we moved out he told me that he was finally happy and that he though it was his fault that his parents were always 'not happy'. He was happy to see his mom happy. My son is now 21.

 

[Magic Mom]

Staying married just because you have a kid and you want to make that kid happy? Well, let me tell you that doesn't make him happy, kids aren't going to be happy seeing their parents living like strangers or having affairs,fights etc.
We cannot tell you what to do, but this is my opinion, I divorced my first husband when my older son was 10 and I know it was hard for him but a few months after we moved out he told me that he was finally happy and that he though it was his fault that his parents were always 'not happy'. He was happy to see his mom happy. My son is now 21.

People don't have to fight or have affairs just because they are unhappy. They can use self control instead.

 

[PixieDust32]

People don't have to fight or have affairs just because they are unhappy. They can use self control instead.

That's correct. In my case we didn't have affairs or fights over that, it was something else. But my point was that staying in a unhappy marriage just for the kids is not healthy for the kids and for the couple. Its my opinion based on my experience. Thank you.

 

[Magic Mom]

That's correct. In my case we didn't have affairs or fights over that, it was something else. But my point was that staying in a unhappy marriage just for the kids is not healthy for the kids Thank you.

It think that depends on how the adults handle the situation.