Unbelieveable! Need advice! (LONG)

[PUZZLDY5]

Ok here is a little back story. My Ds12 palys baseball. He had a coach this past year that I thought took a liking to him. Anyway this "coach" is the commisioner for the youth football league here in our town.
He wanted my ds to play football. I told this man that my ds has never expressed any desire to play football and he would have to see how he felt about it. Well, he talked to my ds and my son told him that he really wasn't interested. This man told my son that he could try it and if he didn't like it he didn't have to play. No harm no foul.
So my ds went to the practice and immediately knew that this was not something he wanted to do. His first love is BASEBALL. He told the coach this was not the sport for him and he wasn't going to play.
Here's where it gets bad. My son still like to go to the practices to watch. He has a friend on the team and he likes to watch. He goes to school with all the boys on that team. So, some of his friends that are on the team are telling my son that this "coach" (a 45 YEAR OLD MAN!!) is calling my son a sissy and saying that he is glad that he isn't playing because he would be an awful player anyway.WTH!!
I am livid! This man is supposed to be a coach! So, now I have a 12yo boy who is completely heartbroken because the person who was his mentor and thought was his friend has turned his back on him because of FOOTBALL!
So now I don't know what to do. Normanly I am not a confrontational kind of person. I am tying to figure out a way to handle this tactfully without putting myself on his level. Help please because right now I am so angry I could rip this mans head off. What kind of person does that to a little boy!!

(I know that htere are a lot of spelling and grammer errors in this post but I am really mad right now and my fingers are typing faster thatn my brain can think.)

 

[kidzmom3]

before you drive yourself crazy, do you know any of the other coaches that you can ask for confirmation? Here, each football team has at least 4 adults at every practice. It would be awful if the boys heard one thing and then exaggerated for effect. If you can find out that he truly did these things, i would be talking to the football director asap.

also, just an fyi. It is really frowned upon (in our area) for non team kids to go to the practices. It is just really distracting to the kids you are trying to coach. I coach a girls football cheer team and our league doesn't allow it for boys or girls.

 

[PUZZLDY5]

The rules here are realy relaxed on who shows up to watch the practices. I don't know any of the other coaches. And yes all I am hearing is what the other boys are telling me and the more I got to know this man the more I am prone to think that he would not be stupid enough to say anything in front of another adult. Kind of like my kids word against his.

 

[JessicaR]

Personally I would have my husband show up at a practice with my son and have him have a talk with this moron. One kid saying the coach said something, maybe it didnt happen, many kids saying he did and its time to get to the bottom of it.

Time to show your child that you back him and support his efforts no matter where they lie. I'm sorry he has to deal with this.

 

[OceanAnnie]

That's just terrible!

I would talk to the coach. I would seek him out and start the conversation by saying something like, how did football go for my son from your perspective? Hear him out. If he said anything negative, I'd remind him that your DS loves baseball and he tried out because he was urged to do so by him (the coach). I would stress that your DS looks up to him as a coach. Watch his reaction closely. It may reveal a lot.

After stressing how your DS looks up to him, I'd tell him that your DS has heard the coach has said defamatory things about him and it has really effected him. I'd ask him point blank if it is true. No matter what the answer, I'd ask him to talk to your DS (I'd be present for it). He either needs to apologize and cease bad talking your son, if he admits to it. Or he needs to tell your son he did not say those things and that he doesn't think your son is a sissy. It's important to clear that up.

Your DS probably doesn't want to go to the football practice anymore. But if he does, I would discourage it.

 

[DawnCt1]

The most important thing that needs to happen is that this coach needs to stop talking negatively about your son. Sending your husband may be seen as threatening. I would take him aside and say, "There is a story going around that because DS isn't interested in football, that you are very much relieved that he isn't on the team because he would be a terrible player. Now I know you and I know you would never say anything like that, so I am not sure how it is that several boys have told my son this, but he found it very hurtful. I told my son that an adult would never say anything like that. Do you know anything about it?" He will probably say "no" but he will keep his ears open. Lets hope that shames him enough that not another word like that comes out of his mouth, about your son or anyone else's. If you hear it again or hear that he has whined about the 'boys ratting him out". Send your DH.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

My oldest son is very big for his age. At 12, he is already taller than me. The coaches want him to play every sport, and a few have tried to shame him into playing football by saying that he was afraid. He stands his ground and doesn't care what the coaches say.

Tell your son that he doesn't need to be concerned about the coach's comments unless they are true. His friends know better, and the coach is probably just trying to get him to come back. Football coaches talk like this more than you might think. I was called every name in the book by my coaches.

Frankly, if any of the local coaches razz my son too much, they may find themselves in for a beating at his hands before much longer...

 

[M5ward]

Even though you aren't confrontational, this is an instance where I think you (and your husband) need to find out exactly what is being said. Nothing is more upsetting to a kid than hearing someone he looked up to say that he would have been a lousy player. I would simply tell the coach what is being attributed to him and ask if it's true. I would also not discourage my son from watching the practices or from going to games; that is called supporting your friends. Every sport is not for every kid.

 

[BelleWDW]

So, some of his friends that are on the team are telling my son that this "coach" (a 45 YEAR OLD MAN!!) is calling my son a sissy and saying that he is glad that he isn't playing because he would be an awful player anyway.WTH!!
.)

Honestly-I would proceed with caution. the kids could be exaggerating-it is basically gossip from kids.

 

[disykat]

The most important thing that needs to happen is that this coach needs to stop talking negatively about your son. Sending your husband may be seen as threatening. I would take him aside and say, "There is a story going around that because DS isn't interested in football, that you are very much relieved that he isn't on the team because he would be a terrible player. Now I know you and I know you would never say anything like that, so I am not sure how it is that several boys have told my son this, but he found it very hurtful. I told my son that an adult would never say anything like that. Do you know anything about it?" He will probably say "no" but he will keep his ears open. Lets hope that shames him enough that not another word like that comes out of his mouth, about your son or anyone else's. If you hear it again or hear that he has whined about the 'boys ratting him out". Send your DH.

 

[PUZZLDY5]

Thanks to everyone for their advice. My husband is taking the high road on this one. He is telling me to let it go because all it will do is make it worse on my son. he also said if I go up there and start saying something all he will do is deny it. I did talk to a boys mother that I know fairly well and she said that she would keep her ears open for me and let me know if she hears anything negative. Plus is she does it will look better on me when I go to semebody to complain. Like I said the longer I know this guy the more of a PITA he seems. I guess I am just so angry about it right now I am not being rational. It just breaks my heart that I had to have the "some grown ups are just mean" conversation with my son.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

My husband is taking the high road on this one. He is telling me to let it go because all it will do is make it worse on my son.

I agree with your husband.

I'd encourage my son to let it go, too. I agree with a pp the boys may be exaggerating. But even if they're not, this is something your son will have to, unfortunately, learn to deal with. Sports are a funny animal. And parents can quickly get a reputation for being PIAs as well. If that happens, it will make it harder on your son, too.

 

[FireDancer]

My oldest son is very big for his age. At 12, he is already taller than me. The coaches want him to play every sport, and a few have tried to shame him into playing football by saying that he was afraid. He stands his ground and doesn't care what the coaches say.

I had the exact opposite problem. I have always been kind of small. As a fully grown adult I am 5' 6" and 135lbs. The summer between 8th and 9th grade I was asked by the freshman football coach to play. I knew him from baseball and he knew I was pretty fast. He told me the same thing about trying it to see if I liked it. I went to all the weight sessions in the summer and then started practice in the late summer. Everything was great until the first day of hitting. I was just pummeled. I was fast (I could do a 4.1 40) so as long as I was untouched I was fine. The problem was that in my pads I was 108 lbs in 9th grade. I left the first day of hitting sore all over and that was the last time I went. I never heard anything negative from the coach and even the kids weren't bad once school started. I think one person said something and it was kind of tongue in cheek. Everyone knew why it made no sense for me to kill myself.

If the coach is saying anything about your son that is terrible. Your son is obviously active so I would hate him to get discouraged and stop playing the other sports. I think adults, and teachers/coaches especially, need to encourage kids to get out there and be active. It doesn't matter what the sport but there are too many kids who play their sports on a video game console instead of a park and that just isn't a good alternative.

 

[shortbun]

Wow! Not the kind of guy I'd want mentoring my son. Is there another baseball league? Luckily at your son's age it won't be long before he's playing school ball rather than league. I'd find a way to let this person know he's been outed as a bad coach. He sounds like a bully and an immature idiot. Good riddance. Stay away from him, he's toxic.

 

[mjkacmom]

I have a ds11 - I wouldn't be surprised if these boys were making it up. Boys aren't as bad as girls, but at this age, they start pulling things like this.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Thanks to everyone for their advice. My husband is taking the high road on this one. He is telling me to let it go because all it will do is make it worse on my son. he also said if I go up there and start saying something all he will do is deny it. I did talk to a boys mother that I know fairly well and she said that she would keep her ears open for me and let me know if she hears anything negative. Plus is she does it will look better on me when I go to semebody to complain. Like I said the longer I know this guy the more of a PITA he seems. I guess I am just so angry about it right now I am not being rational. It just breaks my heart that I had to have the "some grown ups are just mean" conversation with my son.

I would defer to your DH on this one. Your son can survive a coach calling your son a "sissy". Boys will blow that off. I am sure the coach opens his big mouth for alot of things.

However a mother interfering with sports/coaches takes a front seat for ridicule.

Use this situation as a teaching moment for your son. Sports are filled with coaches and parents that can be cruel. Learning to handle it with grace is the lesson here.

 

[Skywalker]

Well I could see how one off-hand or maybe even joking kind of side comment could get taken by a group of boys and exaggerated endlessly. I've seen in happen! I wouldn't worry too much about it. Just let your son go ahead and shine in baseball and don't give it a second thought.

 

[Pea-n-Me]

I would defer to your DH on this one. Your son can survive a coach calling your son a "sissy". Boys will blow that off. I am sure the coach opens his big mouth for alot of things.

However a mother interfering with sports/coaches takes a front seat for ridicule.

Use this situation as a teaching moment for your son. Sports are filled with coaches and parents that can be cruel. Learning to handle it with grace is the lesson here.

Well said!

 

[npmommie]

Wow! Not the kind of guy I'd want mentoring my son. Is there another baseball league? Luckily at your son's age it won't be long before he's playing school ball rather than league. I'd find a way to let this person know he's been outed as a bad coach. He sounds like a bully and an immature idiot. Good riddance. Stay away from him, he's toxic.

as a mom trying to raise kids to be respectful i would have a hard time letting this go. because how are we teaching kids to be respectful kind people if they see us brushing off someone being disrespectful to them? why is it ok for them to accept ridicule ......because they are kids and they have to learn to deal with it? I don' t buy that. I think adults need to be called out on their behavior toward kids. as an adult i wouldn't accept someone calling me names and making fun of me. so why should a child. they shouldn't.

In the end these are still children, they are not little adults in boot camp for the marines, they are children playing a game for fun. they should not be ridiculed in any way shape or form by anyone.

i would say something to the coach like what DawnCt1 posted.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

I would defer to your DH on this one. Your son can survive a coach calling your son a "sissy". Boys will blow that off. I am sure the coach opens his big mouth for alot of things.

However a mother interfering with sports/coaches takes a front seat for ridicule.

Use this situation as a teaching moment for your son. Sports are filled with coaches and parents that can be cruel. Learning to handle it with grace is the lesson here.

Very well said...