Totally OT -- kids and funerals

[roscoepc1]

I took one of my daughters to her cousin's "other Grandpa's" funeral. I thought (and was right) it would be better for her to be "broken in" to funerals at one where she knew the person, but wasn't invested personally, except for being compassionate to her cousins and aunt.

2 years later, both my daughters had to attend their brother's funeral. I was SO relieved that my oldest dd had "experience"! She knew what was going to happen, and why, and was able to help her little sister get through it all...at a time when my resources and emotions were stretched to the limit!

 

[nicki.momof3]

My parents never sent me to them and I am so greatful they never did. My last memories of my grandparents are of wonderful healthy individuals.

Children only have so many years of youth why push such an adult topic as dealth in their faces. My children know what it is and they understand it happens to everyone but they do not need to see it before they are teenagers.

Of course every famiy is different. My mother is expected to pass away within the year and they will not attend any part of the services. My kids are ages 5,6,7.

 

[luvmy2babies]

Well, my daughter has been to a few that I went to and didn't have anywhere to leave her because I was a stay at home mom and 2 of blood relatives. She either knew the deceased or a close relative of the deceased or a friend of mine lost a parent.

A friend of dh's and mine (18mo)
My grandfather (2 years old)
A friend's mom (2 times at 3 years old)
Her Godfather's father (3 years old)
A classmate's grandmother (5 years old)

and last but most, her father at age 6

Now attending her father's funeral was a no brainer. She has never been to a wake and when my husband died I chose not to have one. I also declined the greeting friends with an open casket 30 minutes before the funeral. I had them bring him to the church an hour before the funeral for people to view him and watch the memorial video the funeral home made. We gave them 20 photos and they combined them with music and moving images on a DVD. It ran on continuous play for that hour. We stayed at home and arrived at the time the funeral started, viewed him before it started and had an optional viewing at the end.

In lieu of a wake, I had the funeral home leave him "out" for 9 hours the day before for people who could not attend the funeral to come by and see him. The memorial video was playing outside the room.

So my daughter could see him before the funeral, I gave her the option of going to the funeral home to see him then. She went. I told her it happens when a person's body stops working and the doctor's can't fix it. But when the person dies, they are no longer sick and their boo boos don't hurt anymore. Her father had been sick most of her life, but it was one of those times I didn't expect him to die that he did. Before I took her to the funeral home, I told her he'd be in a special bed, that he wouldn't be moving, nor would he wake up and talk to her, that he was dead and after his "party" (funeral) he was going to the cemetary where we would put his special bed in a box to protect him.

She was really anxious to see him. It took her a few minutes. She stood back and went forward several times getting closer each time until she was right next to it. She was just tall enough to see in without any help. Plus anytime anyone else came in and got anywhere near her father, she'd go up to the casket like she was guarding him or something.

At the funeral she did...well...fine. We had to walk in at the head of the family line. I had her hand in my right hand hand and I carried my son in my left arm. I made sure there were several people between her and my MIL because MIL had come (uninvited) to stay with us after dh died and had several outbursts that made my daughter uncomfortable. She sat in the living room yelling "MY BABY IS GONE" at the top of her lungs. I don't begrudge her that, but wish she'd stayed home an extra day. The funeral director initially lined her up behind us and I whispered to him (I need this person...I need that person) until there were 6 people between us and her.

My daughter did really well considering what a long day it was. We had dh buried in his home town an hour away. She and her brother slept in the 2nd row of the car with my stepdaughter watching them.

Of course I don't pretend to think that was the last funeral she'll go to, but none will be harder than that one.

 

[deerhart]

Wow- sorry to have upset you so much.

Believe it or not, I was honestly trying to figure out why someone's children had been to more funerals than they themselves- it was late and I was tired, I guess. Reading it now, I can see that you made the statement for effect- not literally.

My oldest son has been to 5 funerals in his life. I've been to 4.

2 of those funerals occurred when he was 3 months old (both paternal great grandmother's died within days of each other).

The next occurred when he was 2.5 years old (a close friend to the family died). He went with my parents to the visitation and the funeral because they were watching him due to my being induced with younger bro.

The next one was almost 3 years ago when my grandmother died. All the kids in our family where there. My kids were 5 and 8.

The last one was just last month when we went to their paternal great aunts funeral. Again, all the grandkids and great nieces and nephews were there ranging from age 17 to a year old.

We prepared the kids for each the best we could. We answered any questions they had before and after the service.

My great grandmother and my grandfather died the same weekend right before my 4th birthday. My parents did not allow me to attend my grandfather's funeral due to having to drive across the state (my great grandmother lived 2.5 hours north and grandpa's stuff was being held an hour south of us). I was extremely upset and the only true memory I have about my grandfather is the tantrum I threw when they told me I had to stay home

 

[tartemis]

My parents never sent me to them and I am so greatful they never did. My last memories of my grandparents are of wonderful healthy individuals.

Children only have so many years of youth why push such an adult topic as dealth in their faces. My children know what it is and they understand it happens to everyone but they do not need to see it before they are teenagers.

Of course every famiy is different. My mother is expected to pass away within the year and they will not attend any part of the services. My kids are ages 5,6,7.

I agree with this. I'm sort of shocked at the number of people that do bring kids to funerals (based on this thread).

 

[mousebymarriage]

I think it depends on the child and the funeral that they are going to. Last March (2009) my mom passed away, she lived in Florida, we live in New Jersey. We drove down to Florida for the funeral and both kids DD12 at the time and DS7 at the time were given the option of attending the wake and the funeral. If they didn't want to go DH would have stayed back at my sisters house with them. Both kids chose to go to the wake and the funeral. I also told them that they didn't have to go in the room or even up to the casket unless they wanted to. DD did both, DS went in the room but stayed a few rows back with DH and didn't go up to the casket.
I did prepare them ahead of time for what they would see and explained to them that if they wanted to say good bye to grandma they didn't have to go up to the casket, the could talk to her in their heart and she would hear them.
A few months later in August DH's uncle passed away. DD was given the option of attending the funeral she felt she needed to go, but DS stayed home with me. He had a VERY rough time during my mom illness (I flew back and forth to Florida every couple of weeks to be with her for 3 months) and also during her funeral. He began to sleep walk almost daily and his tic disorder was in full blown stress mode. I decided that attending another funeral so close to the last one would just be too stressful for him, some family members were not happy about that but, too freakin bad.
No one can make the decision for you, only you know whats best for your child and each child reacts differently to death. Ask the child if they want to go and explain what they will see. Don't force them to go up to tha casket if they don't want to, they can say good bye from the back of the room if they need to.

 

[ML_LovesDisney]

Well, I might not have taken them, but about 2 yrs ago my dad suddenly died and there was no way around taking my 3 yr old at the time because every single person I knew was at the funeral for 2 days and I had just had DD #2 so she won't remember anyway. But my DD #1 remembers it and talks about it all the time but she is fine with it. I think it was good for her, we had a long talk about heaven and why people die etc. (my DD #1 is kinda intellectual, she uses words like "frustrating" and" actually" a lot lol), she STILL talks about it, when we go to church because thats where we had his funeral. She has since been to 2 more since , mainly because my DH and I have to go and it's just easier to take them, she doesn't get upset or anything at all.

 

[Tiger926]

I agree with this. I'm sort of shocked at the number of people that do bring kids to funerals (based on this thread).

Conversely, there might be some of us who are shocked at the amount of parents who don't take their kids to funerals.

We all do what is best for our children, based on what we know is before us. Sometimes as parents, we make the right decisions, and sometimes, the wrong decisions.

There is no right or wrong answer here...but in my opinion, there has to be reasonable expectations on both sides. It is not reasonable to shelter children from death until they are older (teens or young adults) - in most cases (deaths of babies or young children excepted), it is reasonable to assume that children will lose a loved one at some point while they are younger. Just like it's not reasonable to assume that a small child will enjoy touching a body or placing flowers on grandma's dead body...it might be frightening for them, but it also might not. Should it be forced upon children to attend a funeral, touch a body, etc.? Absolutely not...but that decision to attend should not be solely made for children by parents either as so many things need to be considered, IMHO.

In our case, we did not take our kids to the hospital during my aunt's final week in hospice, nor to the emergency rooms as I held my dying grandparents' hands, as this would have been too scary for the kids, but, seeing them lie in a peaceful state in the casket, was no problem for my 2 and 6 year old children. Despite the seriousness of my aunt's funeral, the kids saw a positive memorial to an amazing woman, and this is what they hold dear in their hearts. DD6 was very fascinated by the whole funeral process, and left there not with grief in her heart, but a positive understanding of the circle of life. Each time we visit the cemetary or attend a memorial mass, she has more understanding. She asks lots of questions and is confused as to why our bodies suddenly don't work any longer, and we handle these hard questions as they come.

As this thread proves, many kids are afraid of funerals because of the behaviours they see manifested by the adults in their lives. When adults are afraid, many times, children are. Although we were sad, we weren't afraid of death and the funeral, so our kids didn't take that upon themselves either.

Death is the most serious of topics, but for us, it's imperative that it's taught and presented in a positive light - when you lose several extremely close relatives whom you saw all of the time, played with and ate dinner with weekly, and then they are no longer there, it is important for children to understand where they have gone and why they aren't coming back. I can't imagine the confusion in a young child who isn't able to attend a funeral of a beloved grandparent, and is now left to make sense of where grammy went?

The whole discussion will hopefully leave people with an open mind to consider all options when dealing with death and funerals, as I don't believe that there is one definitive answer on this subject, IMHO.

Best of luck to those grappling with this hard decision. My prayers to those in this thread who have shared such personal stories of loss as well.

Tiger

 

[disneyaway]

My dad passed away two months ago, and my kids were really close to him. We did not take them to the funeral because it was an open casket, and I didn't know how that would be to a 3 year old. In retrospect, I wish I had taken her, because she was so close to my dad. The little one was 10 months and I didn't bring her because it would have 1) been distracting and 2) upset the older one that she couldn't go and her baby sister could

 

[wdwfan16]

In my extended family all children attend the funeral of a family member. It really helps them understand and say goodbye. Small children also lift the heavyness in the air and show all that when one life ends another begins.

 

[mjkacmom]

I agree with this. I'm sort of shocked at the number of people that do bring kids to funerals (based on this thread).

I'm shocked at the amount who don't, and can see how not bringing children harms them when they are adults, from this thread. In our family, everyone goes, no matter how young, and myself, my sister, and my cousins have never had any issues attending wakes and funerals - they're just part of life, like going to the dentist. I'm sure that if you never went to the dentist as a child, it might be traumatic to go as an adult.

I wouldn't force a person to go up to the casket, but all of my family did as children - it just wasn't a big deal, since we've been doing it as long as we remember. Let's face it - every single person you and your children know will be buried some day, and there is a good chance you and your children will be around to attend their funerals.

You just have to remember to bring sweaters - those funeral homes are cold!

 

[MyMagicKingdom]

I think it all just depends on the family. The first funeral that I can recall going to was for my grandfather when I was 10 years old. He was like a second father to me and I can't imagine not being there. My brother who was only 3 months old at the time, stayed with a family friend. Now at 14, my brother will every once in a while bring up the funeral and how it really bothers him that he wasn't there. Obviously he wouldn't have remember anything being that he would've only been 3 months old, but the idea that he wasn't there really tears him up.

DS1 recently went to the funeral of DH's grandmother. Her casket was closed because she was in no condition to be viewed. She was found 3 months after going missing while taking a walk in the middle of an upstate NY winter. DS really didn't know what was going on, he actually had a great time because he just kind of ran around and entertained everyone. We had a lot of people thank us for bringing him (especially MIL) because he got everyone's spirits up.

Personally, I don't think I'd keep my children from going to a funeral because, as other PPs have said, death is a natural part of life and I don't want them to shelter them from it. If they feel uncomfortable I would walk out of the room with them and talk to them about it if they wanted, but unless we thought we'd be there for a really long time or there was some other kind of extenuating circumstance, I'd probably bring my kids.

My condolences to everyone that has shared their story of loss.

 

[bethy]

Our family believes that children should go to funerals. It's part of life and gives a chance to show respect and say goodbye.

I totally agree and feel quite strongly about this. If you bring them from the time they are young then IMO it makes it easier to cope later on life when there is no choice but to go.

My SIL's father passed away last week. She was nearly catatonic at funeral. Part of if was b/c of her loss. But a big part of it was due to her discomfort with the whole process that followed his death. She was literally paralyzed and could not cope with any of it. She had never seen a dead body before and had been to maybe one or two funerals in her entire life (she is 45 and otherwise well-adjusted, etc.)

Our DD's have been to probably 8 funerals (we have a big extended family) and it's just a part of life for them and not that traumatic. I hope that someday when they inevitably loses someone very close to them that this early exposure will make it just a little bit easier to cope.

Also, we've taught them how important it is to go to funerals to show support and love for those left behind. It's a part of their social training, so to speak. And a way to show compassion and be plugged into their community and family.

 

[thewebbs5]

Well, 6 years ago this past August, I lost my husband. I have 4 kids, they were 14, 12, 5 and 2 at the time. The older 2 went, but I left the younger 2 with a sitter at the church where the service was.
It was a hard decision, but a decision that was best for me. I was barely able to keep my composure, but with those 2 around (especially the 2 year old) I couldn't. I just couldn't. She cried for her daddy constantly and she was such a tenderheart that every time I cried, it broke her heart. It was best for both of us.

 

[chicagodisneyfan]

I agree with this. I'm sort of shocked at the number of people that do bring kids to funerals (based on this thread).

Wow I am surprised the other way! Everyone I know brings kids to the wake and funeral without even thinking about it.

It is a mini-reunion to see friends and relatives. There are tvs/movies for kids to watch, sometimes a bar with alcohol, food etc - all at the funeral home.

Kids get to say goodbye to a loved one, or put a drawing in the casket or just pat the dead person.

I do not think it is traumatizing for kids when brought up as a natural part of life.

 

[Mrs. Charming]

Wow I am surprised the other way! Everyone I know brings kids to the wake and funeral without even thinking about it.

It is a mini-reunion to see friends and relatives. There are tvs/movies for kids to watch, sometimes a bar with alcohol, food etc - all at the funeral home.

Kids get to say goodbye to a loved one, or put a drawing in the casket or just pat the dead person.

I do not think it is traumatizing for kids when brought up as a natural part of life.

WHAT?!!! LOL, I wish that's how it was. TVs? A bar with food, alcohol?

Every wake/funeral I went to it's just been a 1st floor of a dim funeral home plastered with the ugliest floral wallpaper imaginable, full of crotchety old bats and biddies gossiping mean things about the dead and still living. The air reeks of death and stale old lady perfume, cigarettes, and hairspray. Not really kiddo friendly. Terrifying, actually. Even at my age.

Thats said-- no funeral for me! Just spread my ashes somewhere pretty and be done with it, and drink to the good times we had.

 

[bethy]

Yes, there is a reason they are called funeral "homes." Every funeral I've been to in the midwest has been somewhat like a party too. And I think the deceased would have liked it that way - with people celebrating their life, laughing, crying, leaning on each other and connecting.

I've been to funerals that are as fancy as some weddings. And the visitation sessions are usually kind of neat - catching up with everyone is neat and there are kids of all ages all over place with the open casket right in the room. It's no big deal. And yes, I've seen funeral homes with hospitality rooms for those children with TV's and coloring books. I think it's really nice, actually. Often the visitations are better attended than the actual funeral b/c the funeral is usually during working hours. And stopping by a visitation to pay one's respects is much less of a time commitment.

My grandfather's wake is such a fond memory for me. Granted he lived a very long and amazing life and was very ready to follow his dear wife into heaven. That was a magical night. People stayed way past the official visiting hours - late into the evening and talked and laughed and told fond stories. He was a social and fun guy - it was extremely fitting for him. The the next day he was given a veteran's funeral, full Catholic Mass, an escort by the volunteer fire dept he had served in. It was very moving and touching and I'll never forget it and all of the wonderful people involved in that effort.

As for my own burial I will defer to my loved ones to do what works for them. They're the ones who will be here and have to live in my absence. If they want a funeral for the support and closure then I wouldn't dream of denying them that. I certainly won't care since I won't be here!