Totally OT -- kids and funerals

[tchrrx]

When my grandpa passed away in December, DD10 (then 9) came to the funeral. He had pancreatic cancer, so we had talked for several months about what was happening and what to expect.

When my great-aunt passed last month, I left the decision up to DD. She said that she didn't want to go to any more funerals. I was able to take her to the luncheon and then had someone watch her after that. DH and I decided that unless it is immediate family, we will let it be her decision.

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

How is this possible? Do you send your kids while you stay away?

Okay... sorry to mince words here... good grief... there are police everywhere around here these days... even in a death thread.

Before I was married I had only been to 4 funerals my entire life. In the last 5 years, I have attended 5. 4 of the 5 were extremely unexpected and very difficult for me to talk about still, so maybe my words didn't exactly come out right...

I've been lucky in life and didn't have to deal with death a lot as a kid. But I still did attend the funerals when there was a funeral. Don't villify me when I'm reaching out to someone. Geez!

 

[Tiger926]

Okay... sorry to mince words here... good grief... there are police everywhere around here these days... even in a death thread.

Before I was married I had only been to 4 funerals my entire life. In the last 5 years, I have attended 5. 4 of the 5 were extremely unexpected and very difficult for me to talk about still, so maybe my words didn't exactly come out right...

I've been lucky in life and didn't have to deal with death a lot as a kid. But I still did attend the funerals when there was a funeral. Don't villify me when I'm reaching out to someone. Geez!

I'm sorry you felt the need to explain yourself - I was very confused by this poster's response to you as well.

Sometimes the DISboards are confusing...Tiger

 

[kwitcherkicken99]

I'm sorry you felt the need to explain yourself - I was very confused by this poster's response to you as well.

Sometimes the DISboards are confusing...Tiger

Gosh, here lately I've been able to overlook the rudeness and baiting, but that one just got to me... like I said, the last few funerals have been particularly hard for me (especially the last one...) few things get under my skin, but geesh!

 

[Jacksmom99]

My kids are 11 and 8. The oldest has been to 5 funerals, the youngest has been to 3. I only let my 11 year old attend the wake of his great grandmother after I explained about the open casket. He thought it was weird, he was curious, and wanted to go. Both children attended the mass the following day, but not the burial. I wouldn't let the younger one go to an open casket at this point. Both children have attended wakes and memorial services of grandparents and great grandparents as their behavior allowed. Needless to say DS has attended more of them than DD You know your children, and what they can handle, and what you are willing to handle during a time of grief.

 

[EKW]

My children have been to the funerals of two of their friends' fathers, one son's Godmother, the great-grandmother of their cousins, and an aunt. We were all there with my aunt when she passed. I think that her wanting us there with her was a gift to them...they've seen death and know it doesn't have to be horrible or scary or painful.

I know you can't talk about religion here anymore, so I'll settle to say that our religious beliefs allow my boys to view death as a doorway of sorts. They understand grief and it's purpose but also know that death isn't an end.

Personally, I don't want my children to grow up in a sanitized world where they are so far removed from this natural process that it becomes frightening. I also want them to understand that we believe that we have a duty to bear one another's burdens, and that includes the sorrow that comes with the death of a loved one. In the same way that we attend baptisms, confirmations, and weddings, we attend funerals.

 

[mom of princessx2]

I agree it would depend on the circumstances. When I was young I recall going to a babysitter when both my great grandmother and my cousin died. That was in the mid-70's and I think I was 5 for one and 8 for the other. I don't think many people took their kids back then.

When my father died my dd's were almost 3 and 7 months and I took them to the wake but did not let them go into the room where he was laid because it was an open casket. I almost wished I had taken them to a sitter. At that age all my dh could do was take them to the basement and keep them occupied. I don't think i was sheltering them from anything as we did and still do talk about it I just didn't think they need to see their grandpa that way.

 

[maurene]

Interesting discussion. I've only been to two funerals ever - both for kids, unfortunately. I was in my teens or early 20s.

I don't have a hard and fast rule regarding my children attending funerals. It all just depends on so many factors - my kids ages and temperments, the relationship to the person who died, and some of the logistics (like location and timing and type of funeral).

My older son's namesake (DH's uncle) died when DS was about 2. DH and both agreed that it was best not take DS, so DH went alone. Mostly, we knew DS was a very hyper child (so it wasn't really about shielding him from death). DH's sister, on the other hand, did bring her 4 yo DD - but her DD is very used to being behaved in more adult situations. Had the funeral been local, we might have tried taking DS.

 

[PEANUT1]

I don't think there is a clear cut answer for this...it is different for everyone and no one should ever feel that they are being judged by their decision.

My mom's brother died when my daughter was 23 months. I literally had no one to watch her. I asked my mom and she told me to bring her. I did not bring her into the room with the open casket.

My girls are 3 and 6 and for a close family member I would definitely bring them. I think death is an important part of life.

 

[Ciciwoowoo]

My parents would never let me go to a funeral when I was a child. When my great grandma passed, I was 19 and I was totally devasted and beside myself at the funeral because I had never been to one before. I had nightmares the night before that she was going to grab my hand and pull me in the coffin with her. My uncle and cousin literally had to drag me up to the coffin to pay my respects. Yuck!!!

I took my son to his first funeral home visitation at the age of 3. It was his great grandpa. My cousins all had their children there too. We decided it would be a good experience for them; they were able to say goodbye to Bampa and because he was elderly and sick for some time, it was not really a sad event. I had also taken him to various friends and family's visitations and services so he would understand that death was a part of life.

My son has insisted he wants to be a funeral director since the age of 6. He is now 13 and intends to go to college to become a mortician. I know its a strange profession to want to get into, but he's got such an empathetic personality, he will be really good at it. I told him that its probably a very good area to be involved in. You will never run out of clients!

 

[Bugsmom73]

I went to my first funeral at around 6th or 7th grade for a family friend. DD has been to 2. She was 6 mos old at the first one and 7 years old at the second, it was her great grandmother and I would not have left her home for anything. DS did stay home but he was 4 and has special needs but the next family funeral, he will go. DS did have babysitters.

 

[bopper]

I am of the opinion that is a good thing to bring kids to funerals. I think they don't really know what is going on, but they have at least experienced a funeral/wake and they aren't scared of them later in life. Also it helps the survivors with the "circle of life" thing...Grandpa may have passed on, but baby Junior is here to continue the family.
Of course if the child reallly doesn't want to go, I don't think it would be good to force them, but I would treat it matter of factly otherwise.

My kids went to my Dad's funeral, but not to my mom's because she lived out of state.

 

[MSSANDRA]

I think that it somewhat depends on where you live as what is the commonly done . We are in the South, Bible Belt area. It is common to take small children to the funeral homes and to funerals. We have pretty much always taken the kids in our family as do most people. It is a family/religious gathering that includes people of all ages.

There have been a few exceptions for us. We recently had a baby at our church die. I realized about this time that DGS3 has no concept that children can die and I had no desire to share that info with him quite yet so we simply did not tell him or take him along.
We also had a young suicide in our circle of friends. We knew that it would be a very emotional viewing and service. We choose not to take DGS.

I do not thing there or any wrong or right answers, just what is right for your family.

 

[sk!mom]

Okay... sorry to mince words here... good grief... there are police everywhere around here these days... even in a death thread.

Before I was married I had only been to 4 funerals my entire life. In the last 5 years, I have attended 5. 4 of the 5 were extremely unexpected and very difficult for me to talk about still, so maybe my words didn't exactly come out right...

I've been lucky in life and didn't have to deal with death a lot as a kid. But I still did attend the funerals when there was a funeral. Don't villify me when I'm reaching out to someone. Geez!

Wow- sorry to have upset you so much.

Believe it or not, I was honestly trying to figure out why someone's children had been to more funerals than they themselves- it was late and I was tired, I guess. Reading it now, I can see that you made the statement for effect- not literally.


To the OP, I agree with those who say all families are different. I'm also in the South, and I haven't seen that many young children at funerals.

DH and I have based it on how close the children were to the person who passed away. DS25 went to a funeral at 6 as a very close grandparent passed away and I saw no need to try and shelter him from it. DD13 has only been to one funeral- at 12. She's just been lucky that there has been only one death in our close family. I did not take my young children to funerals of people, even family members, that they were not close to.

 

[DisneyNutMic]

OK let me be the example for why you should NOT take small kids to a funeral. I was approximately 2 1/2 years old. Our neighbor was watching my brother and sister for my parents but they took me with them thinking I was too young to understand anything. It was a distant relative. I think my mom's great aunt but not sure. Anyway it was a large family. Everyone was highly upset understandably. There was a LOT of crying. Now naturally at two I don't remember that part. I got so upset that I started vomiting in the funeral home. They rushed me out of the room and the funeral director sent them to the basement with me to get me a Coke. I remember that dark and cold basement and the Coke machine. No one believed me until I described it perfectly to my parents MANY years later. I vomited the entire 2 hour ride home and most of the night. I was traumatized. I'm not 38 years old and I still can't go to the funeral home without someone with me. I pass out if I get near the casket. I will walk through the line and pay my respects but I do NOT look at the casket or body. I can't. It's awful to be a grown adult and not be able to visit a funeral or receiving without taking another adult with you. When one of my best friends from school died I had to find someone to go with me. It's not easy explaining my FEAR of funerals to anyone but my friend who went with me, said that I turned as white as a sheet as soon as the doors opened.

That being said, my son has been to a funeral home. He stayed out in the hall though and did not grace the room with the body in it. I won't EVER force him to either. It's just not worth it to me.

 

[tink1969]

OK let me be the example for why you should NOT take small kids to a funeral. I was approximately 2 1/2 years old. Our neighbor was watching my brother and sister for my parents but they took me with them thinking I was too young to understand anything. It was a distant relative. I think my mom's great aunt but not sure. Anyway it was a large family. Everyone was highly upset understandably. There was a LOT of crying. Now naturally at two I don't remember that part. I got so upset that I started vomiting in the funeral home. They rushed me out of the room and the funeral director sent them to the basement with me to get me a Coke. I remember that dark and cold basement and the Coke machine. No one believed me until I described it perfectly to my parents MANY years later. I vomited the entire 2 hour ride home and most of the night. I was traumatized. I'm not 38 years old and I still can't go to the funeral home without someone with me. I pass out if I get near the casket. I will walk through the line and pay my respects but I do NOT look at the casket or body. I can't. It's awful to be a grown adult and not be able to visit a funeral or receiving without taking another adult with you. When one of my best friends from school died I had to find someone to go with me. It's not easy explaining my FEAR of funerals to anyone but my friend who went with me, said that I turned as white as a sheet as soon as the doors opened.

That being said, my son has been to a funeral home. He stayed out in the hall though and did not grace the room with the body in it. I won't EVER force him to either. It's just not worth it to me.

Not to minimize your funeral fears, but at 2 1/2 years old you wouldn't have been tall enough to see in the casket! I think you got upset because you were surrounded by crying people. Children feed off emotion.
Then, to an already upset child, they add a can of Coke. Not good.

Children should not be sheltered from death.

 

[Tam1067]

I do not take my children into the viewing room because I was traumatized at the age of 6 when my 16 year old uncle died of leukemia. My mom did not think I should be at the funeral mass itself, but for some crazy reason she thought it was better for me to see my uncle (whom I was very close to) in the casket. So my dad picked me up and held me by the side so that I could see him. It's a vivid image for me still--he was there with a rosary in his hands. Because I was so upset by that, I do not let my children see bodies, and to this day, when we are at a wake (as they call them in the Midwest), I do not go up to the casket. I have told my husband that if he's the one to make the choices for me, I do not want an open casket when it's my turn.

My oldest did have a friend whose father died, and we took him to that wake, but it was closed casket.

 

[Ava]

There have been a few exceptions for us. ...
We also had a young suicide in our circle of friends. We knew that it would be a very emotional viewing and service. We choose not to take DGS.

The first funeral I went to was for a cousin who committed suicide when he was 18; I was 15 at the time. My sister, then 10, did not attend. My parents also didn't tell her right away how he really died, they didn't think she was old enough to understand. My cousin's sisters who were 14 (twins) didn't attend the funeral either, it was too difficult for them.

A few months later my maternal grandmother passed away, and all the children in the family did attend her wake & funeral. I believe the youngest ones there were around 5.

I think if a child is close to the person who passed away, attending the funeral can help the child to understand what's happened to their loved one.

 

[YodaGirl]

My daughter has been to serveral visitations. She attended her first funeral in '08 (1.5 yrs) - it was DH's grandma. She also attended DH's grandpa's funeral last fall.

The only time that I did not take her was a month ago when a neighbor's daughter was stillborn. I was just iffy about how the mom would feel being around other kids.

It's a part of life. I explain it all to her, and while she may not totally get it, it gives us a chance to talk about our faith, God, and heaven.

 

[Britgirlus]

My son has been to two funerals (well, 3, but he was only 18 months for the first). Neither of them had an open casket. The first was when he was 4 (my uncle). The second was last year when he was almost 6 - my dad - for that one, two of the other (teen) grandchildren were going to read a poem, and my son wanted to be involved, so he read the first line. I had explained to him prior about Grandad being in the coffin - and he was cremated, so I also explained that as well. My son took it all in his stride and did just fine.