Totally fell down the Rabbit Hole like Alice, I need some advice ASAP - See post 103

[lucyanna girl]

IF I decide to call I can promise you this, I will do it as gracefully as possible. What I will NOT do is apologize for any of her concerns.

If having a life and a good relationship with a child who still lives under our roof makes me think too much of myself than just call me guilty.

Penny

 

[mickeyboat]

Penny, I don't think you need to apologize for the way you live your life. Your DIL is way out of line for making a laundry list of what she thinks you are doing wrong.

I have a feeling, though, that she has hurt feeling over something or other. The combination of her hurt feelings and possible PPD / feeling of being overwhelmed caused her to spew at you.

If I were you I would not engage her over the list. Instead, if you choose to reach out to her, ask her what it is that is really bothering her, and find out what you can do to help.

Don't look at it as you letting her steam roll over you. Look at it as her having one really terrible moment and making a big mistake, and move forward.

 

[Eeyore'sthebest]

IF I decide to call I can promise you this, I will do it as gracefully as possible. What I will NOT do is apologize for any of her concerns.

If having a life and a good relationship with a child who still lives under our roof makes me think too much of myself than just call me guilty.

Penny

Good for you!! Did nobody ever teach this woman respect?? I still can't understand this so I can't imagine how you are feeling. I would never speak like that to my mother or my MIL.

 

[wdwfan16]

What? So would YOU call someone who insulted you and threatened you with putting them out of their lives because they don't like how you spend your free time? To my knowledge the OP has not decided whether she is going to call her DIL or not. And since when do parents have to honor their child's wishes to appease their spouses out of the blue tirades? The OP from what I can tell is trying very, VERY hard to figure out where her DIL is coming from. More then I'd do, I can tell that, I'd tell her to kiss my a$$. She didn't do anything wrong, she doesn't need to "honor" anybody's wishes.

I said the DIL was wrong in calling. If she does not make that call it is very possible that the son will side with the DIL and she will not see the Grandkids. I have seen this happen many times. Sometimes one needs to take the high road if they don't want the consequences.

And yes the OP thinks too highly of herself. It had nothing to do with her going to games or WDW or having a daughter at home. If you read them all in order you will see that she NEVER EVER does anything wrong. I really find that hard to believe.

There are always two sides to any story and we are only getting one side.

Also since both DILs now seem to have a problem with her maybe she needs to do some changing too. The two sons need to work on this problem between their wives and their mother.

 

[lillygator]

I said the DIL was wrong in calling. If she does not make that call it is very possible that the son will side with the DIL and she will not see the Grandkids. I have seen this happen many times. Sometimes one needs to take the high road if they don't want the consequences.

And yes the OP thinks too highly of herself. It had nothing to do with her going to games or WDW or having a daughter at home. If you read them all in order you will see that she NEVER EVER does anything wrong. I really find that hard to believe.

There are always two sides to any story and we are only getting one side.

Also since both DILs now seem to have a problem with her maybe she needs to do some changing too. The two sons need to work on this problem between their wives and their mother.

well the other DIL's only concern seemed to be the babysitting...and that is certainly not a valid concern. GP's aren't around just to babysit.

 

[wdwfan16]

The OP said that her son asked her to call and make peace; that doesn't mean he wants her to apologize.

Just calling and saying, "we need to talk" isn't admitting wrong doing; and for the sake of her son and grandchildren maybe that is what she needs to do. Sometimes you just have to be the bigger person, bite your tongue and let peace be made.

(that IN NO WAY means that you should change anything you do or offere to change anything you do)

ITA

She needs to take the high road or this may turn into a situation where she never sees the grandkids.


No need to apologize but a call to try to get to an understanding would be helpful.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

OP I think what your DIL did was wrong but the more I read of your posts you seem to think too much of yourself. You never honored your son's wish of calling the DIL. That to me was very telling.

(I only read all of the OPs posts.)

Why is it on the DIS we have to focus on the 2 sides to every story and not see a post for what it is.

She gets an out of the blue call from her DIL butting her nose into very benign topics (Spending too much time at Disney World--COME ON!!!!!!)

Clearly you don't know anything about boundaries.

I wouldn't have honored the son's wish either. His wife did something highly inappropriate.

Even if the OP was as snippy as can be and snotty and bragging about all of what she does--it still doesn't place her DIL actions in the appropriate category.

I'm sorry--I don't agree with using grandkids as bribery and if it takes the mother to call and appease the DIL, it still makes the DIL in the wrong. She is what we call a manipulator.


And if you really read the OP's post--ALL of them as you claim to have done--you clearly should NOT have missed this part:

He called me after he got to school this morning, he is a coach and has a little more freedom to make calls. DIL teaches second grade. She cannot be reached until late this afternoon.

Me thinks you think too much of yourself to be honest and really read the posts you are commenting upon.

 

[Lisa loves Pooh]

well the other DIL's only concern seemed to be the babysitting...and that is certainly not a valid concern. GP's aren't around just to babysit.

Didn't you know that grown children are entitled to babysitting from the grandparents at any time of their choosing at whatever payment level they select?


My MIL has stated in very clear terms that she has already raised her children. You know what? By golly she is right!!!! She has stepped up to the plate when needed, but HOLY MOSES--I decided to have children it is my place to secure sitting services if I decide that I want them. It isn't her job to drop everything and come over. She loves her grandchildren very much---but that's life, you know! I would never call and whine over that. It surely woudln't score me any free babysitting.

 

[wenrob]

I said the DIL was wrong in calling. If she does not make that call it is very possible that the son will side with the DIL and she will not see the Grandkids. I have seen this happen many times. Sometimes one needs to take the high road if they don't want the consequences.

It's possible but really, she needs to let herself be blackmailed and set the stage for her DIL to demand things her way or no way? While I can see the fear in not being able to see the grandbabies I personally would not let myself be manipulated that way. I never said she shouldn't take the high road but her DS has no right to ask her to make peace for a conversation she wasn't even allowed to take part in.

And yes the OP thinks too highly of herself. It had nothing to do with her going to games or WDW or having a daughter at home. If you read them all in order you will see that she NEVER EVER does anything wrong. I really find that hard to believe.

I think you are taking her posts way out of context. If the OP thought too highly of herself she wouldn't even consider calling the DIL let alone give a dam* about what she thinks and she clearly does care.

And I agree there are two sides of every story but as someone who has been blindsided out of the blue it does happen. The DIL issues w/the OP don't even make sense. She obviously wanted to confront her about something but I don't think she ever got to what her real issue is. If her issue really, truly is that the OP loves WDW, goes to football games and her youngest DD enjoys her company then no, sorry, don't see "the other side" there.

edited to add: And it was confirmed by the OP's son that the two DILs got together and decided to "confront" her. So what would be their side of the story as far as that goes given the issues are having too much fun as a grown adult and not volunteering to babysit?

 

[disykat]

My parents love my kids, but have never once called me and OFFERED to babysit my children, nor have my inlaws. They also don't totally take over childcare when we visit them. Should I be upset?

Although I'd also be hurt and furious, sometimes things are so unreasonable you just have to try to let them roll like water off a duck's back.

IMO the best action is to sit back and do nothing. Like others have said, don't engage. She is picking a fight and you engaging will just "prove her point." It's time for your sons to work this out with their wives. It's not up to you to do it for them.

Your DILs were way out of line, but your son was also out of line to expect you to fix this. I'd say something like "Son, as much as I'd love to fix this for you, it's really not my place to engage in a "fight" with your wife."

 

[golfgal]

I also meant to ask if your DIL is an only child?

.

I was thinking the same thing. She sounds like a spoiled brat. I would not call but I would call your son later and explain that you are sorry that this has caused problems in his family but you just don't understand what she wants nor why this is a problem to begin with. I would HOPE you spend more time with Sarah given that she is LIVING with you. I am sure your DIL is spending a lot more time with her 6 month old then her 3 year old.

How is Sarah feeling, btw?

 

[RadioNate]

I was thinking the same thing. She sounds like a spoiled brat. I would not call but I would call your son later and explain that you are sorry that this has caused problems in his family but you just don't understand what she wants nor why this is a problem to begin with. I would HOPE you spend more time with Sarah given that she is LIVING with you. I am sure your DIL is spending a lot more time with her 6 month old then her 3 year old.

How is Sarah feeling, btw?

Well my point certainly wasn't that only children are spoiled brats. I'm an only child, my mom is an only child. But I fully admit, as an only child, I didn't have a realistic picture of how parent child relationships are when siblings are involved. It isn't that I'm stupid or naive or whatever, I just hadn't had that experience. I didn't know how it worked, when I never saw it in action. Sure, I had friends with siblings but I didn't really see their inner family dynamics. I had absolutely built up an unrealistic picture in my mind of how it all worked.

I also admit that I didn't get it really when DH and his sister came into my life. Siblings with really large age differences also have a totally different dynamic.

It really took me having 2 children and 2 children with a big age gap to understand.

That is why I said in my 1st post here that it "appeared" to me that my inlaws didn't care about us. It isn't as simple as the DIL is just a selfish brat.

IMO, the DIL should have never actually said something to the OP but I can also see how, depending on her experiences and expectations that the DIL may feel a bit slighted by the OP.

I'm sure it was never the OPs intention at all. I also don't think she did anything directly to hurt them. But I'm not certain that there wasn't an unintentional 'something' that has caused the DIL to lose it on the OP.

 

[lucyanna girl]

I am about as far from perfect as a person can be!

Penny

 

[golfgal]

Well my point certainly wasn't that only children are spoiled brats. I'm an only child, my mom is an only child. But I fully admit, as an only child, I didn't have a realistic picture of how parent child relationships are when siblings are involved. It isn't that I'm stupid or naive or whatever, I just hadn't had that experience. I didn't know how it worked, when I never saw it in action. Sure, I had friends with siblings but I didn't really see their inner family dynamics. I had absolutely built up an unrealistic picture in my mind of how it all worked.

I also admit that I didn't get it really when DH and his sister came into my life. Siblings with really large age differences also have a totally different dynamic.

It really took me having 2 children and 2 children with a big age gap to understand.

That is why I said in my 1st post here that it "appeared" to me that my inlaws didn't care about us. It isn't as simple as the DIL is just a selfish brat.

IMO, the DIL should have never actually said something to the OP but I can also see how, depending on her experiences and expectations that the DIL may feel a bit slighted by the OP.

I'm sure it was never the OPs intention at all. I also don't think she did anything directly to hurt them. But I'm not certain that there wasn't an unintentional 'something' that has caused the DIL to lose it on the OP.

I should have put more space between those comments. I didn't mean it to sound like only children are spoiled brats--I meant it that the DIL sounds like she is an only child by not understanding how things work with siblings and that the DIL sounded like a spoiled brat, regardless of being an only or one of 20 kids .

 

[lucyanna girl]

Sorry, some things were posted between the time I last read and when I erased everything I had written and posted.

RadioNate, DIL has one younger sister. I have known them both since their mid-teens and the younger sister doesn't seem to have had the problems with their own mother that DIL has.

I'm sorry your feelings were so hurt by your husband's family. I think you are right in that we tend to be closer to a later baby. I've always thought that you take more time to enjoy them because you realize just how quickly they grow up.

I'm grateful for all the input from everyone. It is hard to try and see her viewpoint when I am so hurt and a little angry at being judged on such strange points. One thing about the DIS, someone is always going to look at things from another side.

Some things in life just jump up and slap you in the face.

Penny

 

[RadioNate]

I should have put more space between those comments. I didn't mean it to sound like only children are spoiled brats--I meant it that the DIL sounds like she is an only child by not understanding how things work with siblings and that the DIL sounded like a spoiled brat, regardless of being an only or one of 20 kids .

I got ya. I do agree that it sounds like the DIL is an only child.

As an only child you are always priority one to your parents. It isn't being spoiled. It just happens because there is no one else that needs 'tending' to.

My nearly 2 year old, is always going to get more attention right now than my 8 year old. She needs constant supervision, he doesn't.

Just like a child living at home is going to get more attention than a grown one living 3 hours away.

It took me a while to make the adjustment but I'm much happier and have a much better relationship with my inlaws now.

I think the OP sounds like a pretty caring person. She is clearly upset to have somehow offended her DIL. Everyone is right that the DIL's complaints are really nit-picky but all boil down to one thing...spending time with their family. It can sound selfish but I'm hoping it isn't that simple. I think maybe they are sad they are far way from family and just want to spend more time with the op.

Building relationships with grandchildren needs to start early. I know the OP loves her grandchildren but when they are a few hours away sometimes it may take more.

I know my mother has a much stronger bond with my 8 year old than my inlaws do. They were very busy with SIL when he was a baby and while their focus was rightfully on her...they don't have a strong relationship with my kids.

 

[RadioNate]

Sorry, some things were posted between the time I last read and when I erased everything I had written and posted.

RadioNate, DIL has one younger sister. I have known them both since their mid-teens and the younger sister doesn't seem to have had the problems with their own mother that DIL has.

I'm sorry your feelings were so hurt by your husband's family. I think you are right in that we tend to be closer to a later baby. I've always thought that you take more time to enjoy them because you realize just how quickly they grow up.

I'm grateful for all the input from everyone. It is hard to try and see her viewpoint when I am so hurt and a little angry at being judged on such strange points. One thing about the DIS, someone is always going to look at things from another side.

Some things in life just jump up and slap you in the face.

Penny

You are very sweet and you do have every right to be hurt by your DIL. I'd be angry too!

My inlaws did hurt me. But I do know that they never meant to. Not at all. They are both parts of big families, lots of siblings, cousins, all that. I'm sure it didn't even occur to them that anything they did would be at all considered hurtful.

I really do understand that now. Took a few years but it happened.

Like so many other's I'm still shocked that she would actually say something!

My kids are nearly 7 years apart. Wasn't my intention but that is what we were blessed with. I do see differences in my parenting. I'm more patient. I'm not in a hurry for DD to do anything (walk, talk, potty train.) You've also had a hard road with Sarah being sick on and off the last few years. I remember how sick she was. It is completely understandable why she'd be your concern.

It sounds like DIL just has some issues in general. I have a cousin like that. She and her sister couldn't be more different. One always has some sort of drama or is offended by this or that.

 

[Wishing on a star]

DIL has one younger sister. I have known them both since their mid-teens and the younger sister doesn't seem to have had the problems with their own mother that DIL has.

Penny

THIS MIGHT JUST SAY A LOT.

This, actually, was another one of my concerns/assumptions....
We knew from previous post that DIL did not have a great relationship with her mother, and had found herself pulling away and 'cutting out' on their relationship.

Something tells me that DIL has been in the situation where she has been in a lopsided family dynamic where her younger sister is/was the 'golden child'.... She is transferring all of that hurt and psychological baggage onto YOUR situation. And, you need to understand that, and be able to handle it in an appropriate way.

From DILs (possibly skewed) perspective... She knows that when your daughter has a child, you will be there, committed, with bells on.... She is probably really struggling right now, and it seems that she doesn't feel that you even care to babysit on an occasional Saturday night. Everything she is thinking is coming thru the lense of her past experience with her own mom, and her younger sister possibly being the 'golden child'. These underlying emotions would surely be very raw and painful.

Sure, DIL may be wrong...
Sure, DIL may be crazy...
Sure DIL may be needing some help right now (in more than one way)

But, my advice remains.... Either you can get lost in your own negative feelings (hurt, anger, etc....) and you can judge her right back, and make demands and call names, etc.... etc..... (like this is really gonna help????) or you can try to look at this situation in an objective and effective way.

Whether your daughter is the golden child or not (this was never be big issue) Your son's and your DILs (based on the fact that they have been close to you almost since childhood) are still your children too.

Honestly, I really think the writing is on the wall here.
It is so obvious and very plain to see.


You need to step back, cool off, and then be the adult and step up to the plate and handle this in a mature, positive, effective manner.

 

[2binak]

OP - you mentioned that your DIL's said that you don't offer to take the kids more often and how nice it is at DIL two's mother's house that from the minute she steps in the door until she leaves, there is someone to take care of both of her babies & to cook for them. Believe it or not, there are people in this world who think that they are entitled to and deserve that sort of treatment by their family members. I have a family member who literally walks in the door, sets her child down and finds any and every thing to occupy her so that she doesn't have to be with her own child. Her reason "I need a break!" Yes, she actually yelled that at her mother on Mother's Day. Her mother is on chemo, still works 40 hours a week and this person brings her child to her mother's house at least 4 nights a weeks before her mother gets home from work and doesn't leave until her son is ready to having tantrums because the child is so tired so that the child can sleep in the car and she doesn't have to be bothered trying to get the child to bed when they get home. It's so sad and it is slowly tearing their family apart.

I'm sorry your DIL's are acting like this and I hope for everyone's sake, that a resolution can be found. I don't think you should apologize for anything! My MIL loves Disney and has more fun in life than anyone I know. I could not imagine me telling her that she should stop the things your DIL listed. As for your DD, I was the same way in HS. I could have cared less about partying and was perfectly comfortable being with my family and closest friends at home on a weekend night.

Sounds like your DIL's have some underlying issues that they need to work on and are taking their frustrations out on you. I hope they come to their senses soon.

 

[2binak]

double post - sorry.