Totally fell down the Rabbit Hole like Alice, I need some advice ASAP - See post 103

[Jennasis]

Does your mother have a huge interest in horses? Does she attend weekly riding events where she lives but never bothered to watch one of your events when in town?

If so, that's sad. If not, and she really has zero interest in the sport -- despite your dedication to it -- then that isn't a fair comparison to the OP's situation.

I didn't read where the OP was HUGELY interested in football. She was only going to the games because of an interest in the participants. Seems like a fair comparison. You are grasping at straws (why?? This is SO not the OP's fault...the DIL is a loon). No way any sane individual drives 3 hours to watch her adult son coach.

 

[Skywalker]

This is SO not the OP's fault...the DIL is a loon).

But maybe she's not. Whenever someone paints themselves as perfect and the other person as a moustache-twirling villain I can't help but wonder where the truth is.

I find it hard to believe that her formerly nice daughter-in-law has just randomly lost her mind...not saying it's impossible, lol. But more likely, something is going on that possibly the OP isn't even aware she's doing.

I also find that one thing that can make us moms go over the top is our children...in other words, do these daughters-in-law have children old enough to maybe feel hurt or slighted by your actions in some way? Like maybe her children are hurt and her husband is hurt and she is sick of hearing it and so she is the one willing to go down on record on their behalf? I mean, NOT saying it is intentional but maybe they feel they don't get your attention or support.

And her complaint about Disney, maybe something happened that you didn't realize, for example what happened to a friend of mine. She was showing her mother pictures of her child's, piano recital or something, and the mom barely even nodded before she took out her own photos to show of her cruise. Stuff like that, like maybe you seemed like you weren't interested in something she was saying or showing you because you had to get in the latest about your trip to Disney or something. Then she might just react in disgust after a while and throw out something like, "And you like Disney too much!" which may seem totally off the wall to you but maybe arose from something personal to her.
I mean maybe this has happened in a million small ways and she is at her breaking point. People can stew for a long time before something small and trivial makes them snap, but there is more to it.

I am not trying to say you are intentionally "twisting" anything but sometimes it is hard to see our own part in these dramas, and I don't think insisting on being the "victim" will necessarily be more helpful when maybe there IS more effort you can make.

Wow, I'm babbling a lot today. But it is from trying to helpful, honestly, which I probably wasn't at all, lol.

 

[lucyanna girl]

Thought I would let you know that so far I have made no progress.

I have been trying to call DIL tonight but I only get her voice mail. Maybe she is busy with the babies. They are not quite three (next month) and six months.

Yes, we have been to games my son has coached. At all three schools he has coached at. He is an assistant coach in one sport, head coach in another. We have left here after school let out and drove there to go. To both sports. Also to softball games when DIL coached softball.

Yes, we have adult friends. Yes, we are friends with my husbands ex-wife. Why not? Yes, they come to the football games. She has a grandson on the team but they also came last year when she didn't. Honestly folks, around here this is not odd.

As a matter of fact, DIL's father coaches a girls softball team is the summer and both his daughters are over thirty, no grand-daughter on the team either. Why? Because he did it when his girls were small and enjoyed it.

We see my ex at birthday partys and t-ball games and family events. No, we do not socialize with him otherwise. Bad divorce. We can and do talk nicely and smile at each other but we both are happy to leave it at that.

Penny

 

[TwinsinCA]

Yes, we have been to games my son has coached. At all three schools he has coached at. He is an assistant coach in one sport, head coach in another. We have left here after school let out and drove there to go. To both sports. Also to softball games when DIL coached softball.

Thank you for answering my question. That is one theory that can be crossed off the list.

 

[lucyanna girl]

You are welcome.

 

[Jennasis]

That answers that.

 

[crazee4mickey]

All I can say is "wow!".....I am absolutely speechless at your DIL's behavior. There is not one thing that I read that she accuses you of that seems even remotely close to wrong. You are very young to be a grandparent, you obviously enjoy life and are a kid at heart----I see absolutely nothing wrong with this...continue enjoying your life!

Do you think she is wanting you to give up all your interests and basically your life to look after your grandbabies? She sounds like she is "burnt out" and is expecting you to step in and takeover

That's my only logical reason for such rude behavior from her

 

[2binak]

...But more likely, something is going on that possibly the OP isn't even aware she's doing.

I'm not saying the OP did anything to offend her DIL, but this is plausable and does happen. My FIL would not hold DD while his grandson was around and it took 6 months and me finally saying something out of frustration at a family gathering, for anyone to address the problem. Up until then, everyone - me, DH, MIL & SIL - kept quiet and hoped he would figure it out on his own. He honestly didn't see what he was doing as wrong. He was trying to spare his grandson from getting jealous and throwing fits by not holding DD, but all the while, he was upsetting me, DH & even MIL because he wouldn't hold our DD or spend any time with her. SIL & her son practically live at my in-laws' house so we never had a visit when they his grandson wasn't there. He was missing out on the first months of his GD's life and couldn't see that.

Maybe the OP did something similar and doesn't realize it and instead of the DIL addressing that one issue, she's let it boil up and fester and now she's just adding ridiculous things to make a list of "issues" she has with the OP. I agree that there had to be an underlying issue that the DIL is not addressing.

 

[luvsJack]

Thought I would let you know that so far I have made no progress.

I have been trying to call DIL tonight but I only get her voice mail. Maybe she is busy with the babies. They are not quite three (next month) and six months.

Yes, we have been to games my son has coached. At all three schools he has coached at. He is an assistant coach in one sport, head coach in another. We have left here after school let out and drove there to go. To both sports. Also to softball games when DIL coached softball.

Yes, we have adult friends. Yes, we are friends with my husbands ex-wife. Why not? Yes, they come to the football games. She has a grandson on the team but they also came last year when she didn't. Honestly folks, around here this is not odd.

As a matter of fact, DIL's father coaches a girls softball team is the summer and both his daughters are over thirty, no grand-daughter on the team either. Why? Because he did it when his girls were small and enjoyed it.

We see my ex at birthday partys and t-ball games and family events. No, we do not socialize with him otherwise. Bad divorce. We can and do talk nicely and smile at each other but we both are happy to leave it at that.

Penny

OP, I know that you are just explaining things to the posters here; but I hope you do not feel that you have to make excuses to your dil or anyone else for the way you live your life.

Of course you attend more ball games that your grandson is in. He lives in the same town and from the sounds of it your daughter attends the same school. It just makes sense.

Of course you spend more time, attention and probably money on your daughter. She is still your dependent, living in your household--she is still a child. Your son is a grown man with his own family; he shouldn't need the same things from you anymore (regardless of what your dil seems to think).


You have tried to call her and she is not answering the calls. I think the ball is in her court now. I think she is being childlish at this point. I understand being busy with her kids, but she could take a moment maybe after bedtime to give you a call back.

 

[jensen]

Hey Penny, thanks for the update and for answering my question... It sounds to me like you have a very normal life and DIL just needs to back off a little... hopefully now that she got things off her chest, you'll all be able to move on and forget this awful experience.

 

[rie'smom]

But maybe she's not. Whenever someone paints themselves as perfect and the other person as a moustache-twirling villain I can't help but wonder where the truth is.

I find it hard to believe that her formerly nice daughter-in-law has just randomly lost her mind...not saying it's impossible, lol. But more likely, something is going on that possibly the OP isn't even aware she's doing.

I also find that one thing that can make us moms go over the top is our children...in other words, do these daughters-in-law have children old enough to maybe feel hurt or slighted by your actions in some way? Like maybe her children are hurt and her husband is hurt and she is sick of hearing it and so she is the one willing to go down on record on their behalf? I mean, NOT saying it is intentional but maybe they feel they don't get your attention or support.

And her complaint about Disney, maybe something happened that you didn't realize, for example what happened to a friend of mine. She was showing her mother pictures of her child's, piano recital or something, and the mom barely even nodded before she took out her own photos to show of her cruise. Stuff like that, like maybe you seemed like you weren't interested in something she was saying or showing you because you had to get in the latest about your trip to Disney or something. Then she might just react in disgust after a while and throw out something like, "And you like Disney too much!" which may seem totally off the wall to you but maybe arose from something personal to her.
I mean maybe this has happened in a million small ways and she is at her breaking point. People can stew for a long time before something small and trivial makes them snap, but there is more to it.

I am not trying to say you are intentionally "twisting" anything but sometimes it is hard to see our own part in these dramas, and I don't think insisting on being the "victim" will necessarily be more helpful when maybe there IS more effort you can make.

Wow, I'm babbling a lot today. But it is from trying to helpful, honestly, which I probably wasn't at all, lol.

All I can say is that sometimes people are just plain mean. My brother's 1st wife sounds like the OP's DIL. My mom turned herself into a pretzel trying to keep this woman happy and nothing she did was ever enough. Mom canceled plans to babysit their kids. She would not call my other brother who lived in the same town because it upset DIL. Some people are never happy.

 

[Wishing on a star]

If, IF, that were the case with the DIL, then obviously, the OP should not bend herself into a pretzel and turn her whole life into a pretzel...

But, you know, the OP has known this girl/woman well since she was a teenager. Judging by the ages posted by the OP, she is now 30... and the OP is 'down the rabbit hole' completely blindsided and confused???? She has never before seen her DIL as this crazy, demanding, evil, person??? Doesn't add up. Something just does not add up here at all.

There is definitely something going on. There are definitely some serious underlying issues. (what they are, we can only guess....)

I agree with this comment: Whenever someone paints themselves as perfect and the other person as a moustache-twirling villain I can't help but wonder where the truth is.

There is something going on. There is some truth in there, somewhere... and until the OP gets over the "I am perfect and why is she being such a *****" and begins to show some concern about whatever the underlying issues are... nothing will change...

OP: I would NOT be calling your DIL back... I believe that In some way, YOU ARE LOOKING TO ENGAGE, ON HER LEVEL, AND CONTINUE THE BATTLE.... LOOKING FOR A VICTORY.

You need to be speaking to your son first to settle things with him, to try to find out what his wife's problems truly are, and planning a face-to-face with the both of them.

 

[wenrob]

But, you know, the OP has known this girl/woman well since she was a teenager. Judging by the ages posted by the OP, she is now 30... and the OP is 'down the rabbit hole' completely blindsided and confused???? She has never before seen her DIL as this crazy, demanding, evil, person??? Doesn't add up. Something just does not add up here at all.

There is definitely something going on. There are definitely some serious underlying issues. (what they are, we can only guess....)

I agree with this comment: Whenever someone paints themselves as perfect and the other person as a moustache-twirling villain I can't help but wonder where the truth is.

There is something going on. There is some truth in there, somewhere... and until the OP gets over the "I am perfect and why is she being such a *****" and begins to show some concern about whatever the underlying issues are... nothing will change...

OP: I would NOT be calling your DIL back... I believe that In some way, YOU ARE LOOKING TO ENGAGE, ON HER LEVEL, AND CONTINUE THE BATTLE.... LOOKING FOR A VICTORY.

You need to be speaking to your son first to settle things with him, to try to find out what his wife's problems truly are, and planning a face-to-face with the both of them.

But the OP never did that. Numerous posters have but she never did. If you go back and read this entire thread, someone would call the DIL crazy or something even more derogatory and the OP would say no, no, she's not like that. Same goes for painting herself perfect, posters here may have but she didn't. My take is she told us all the things she does so we get an idea of how confused she with DIL's sudden displeasure. And yes, it's entirely possible for someone you've known for years to blindside you and be someone you don't even know. If you've never experienced it then count yourself lucky. Let's also not forget that the DILs had themselves a discussion and ganged up on her. I've said over and over, there's got to be something else but seriously, how is the OP supposed to admit her part if she doesn't even know what the real issue is? eta: She's expressed concern for her DIL several times. Again, how is she supposed to connect with someone and explore their feelings when they won't answer the phone?

I'm on the fence as far as the OP talking to her son, I think that would just inflame the DIL more. I personally would see it as, "You're problem is with me you deal with me. I'd be furious if someone "tattled" on me to my DH. And I 100% with PP who have said, you've left voice mails, the ball is in her court. Do not grovel, she's got to tell you what the real issue is before you can come to an understanding.

 

[Disney Doll]

So Wishing, when she calls her son and tries to settle things with him (which, weren't unsettled from what she said her son said, except for his suddenly crazy wife) and he says "Mom, I asked you to call my wife and make peace, so call her and make peace" then what would be the next step she should take? If the OP says "I'd like to plan a sit-down discussion with the 2 of you" and son say "Not a good idea" what is the next step? They live 3 hours away. You can't just drop in. And if DIL is feeling some sort of "anger" at some unknown "slight" from the OP, don't you think that the OP "insisting" on a face-to-face discussion will only add fuel to the fire? The last person DIL probably wants to see is her MIL, who has suddenly become Satan personified, show up on her doorstep.

And FTR, sometimes people do "snap" for no reason. My friend got her dog from a woman who became pregnant and suddenly "snapped" and decided she could not keep any of her animals any more. She had 2 dogs and a cat. She gave them away. She had her baby. She regained her mind and was most distressed that she had given up her pets. It caused her great sadness to know that in her "altered" state (and at the time she was in this state, she did not think she was in the least bit altered) that she gave away her beloved pets. In this girl's case, I would venture a guess that pregnancy hormones had something to do with her state of mind. I am also going to venture a guess that it is part of what's wrong with the OP's DIL. She doesn't seem to be having PPD to outward appearances, but she may be able to pull it together to a certain extent. But, it does happen without warning and sometimes with no discernible underlying fault on anyone's part...that's why they call it "snapping".

No, the DIL did not "snap" without reason, but the reason may have nothing to do with the OP, but the OP is the "safe" one she can unload on, the OP is the one who she feels she can "control" the most by threatening with the grandchildren. If the DIL is in some sort of other situation in which she feels she has no control, she will attempt to control the things she can, one of them being the OP, with threats of "you won't see the grandkids if you don't change your life to be the way I think it should be".

I know from your previous posts that you have had many issues with your in-laws, which may color your responses to a degree. But, it has been my experience that the mother-in-law is not always the bad one....I ahve known a few daughter-in-laws in my day that I wouldn't give you 2 cents for.

 

[Embel]

Is it possible that your DIL is wondering if you are drinking? I don't mean to be insulting, I'm just trying to imagine why she would be concerned and praying over any of this.

 

[kafitty]

oh! Penny, i'm so sorry. The last thing you need is more stress over something like this. i'm glad to hear that Sarah's fully recovered from her mysterious illness. How is your sister doing?


there certainly seems to be some underlying issues here. the theory that she is feeling slighted by the amount of time you spend not tending to her sounds right. i would also agree that pregnancy-brain might be making her a little nutso.

Wishing on a Star, i too believe that there are other sides to any story, and i think you have given some excellent advice.
However, DIL2 is making completely unreasonable complaints about things that are abso-freakin-lutely none of her business. NO ONE has a right to dictate how another lives their life. End of story. (i mean, as adults, of course)
i think Penney is trying her darndest to figure out just what the heck is going on here. That's probably why she (and so many of us) came to the DIS - to look for another perspective, and get some thoughts on this totally bizarre behavior.

i definitely think BOTH sons need to step up here - let the wives know that they are NOT to speak to their mother that way. Unfortunately, it seems like that's not about to happen. i liked the idea of having your hubby step in and speak to his son's about not treating his wife/their mother that way. But that just may things messier.

oh, i do hope this works out for you. i can't even imagine the stress it must be causing you. i would be just sick over it.

 

[BelleWDW]

You sound like a wonderful Mom and GOOD FOR you that you are so active !!!

Your DIL sounds like a nut case.

 

[rie'smom]

Penny, I'm hoping that everything is working out for you.