Today was another bad day. (Thurs)

[Rajah]

Seems I can go what... 3 days between curl-up days? How'm I supposed to get through a full week of work like this?

Not much to tell about today, really. Got up about 10, spent the next 3 hours alternating between staring at the computer, cross stitching, and trying (and failing) to sleep.

Went to mom's, started going through some of the woodworking materials in the garage, which was a little hard. Then DH showed up and we started going through computer supplies in the office. Even worse.

Took the dog to the vet because she was having troubles, and other than that, dinner at Olive Garden, and alternating between cross stitch and staring into space, that's about it.

That, and I did tell my mom (okay, snapped at her ) that I couldn't handle her near-constant anger with my dad any time she and I are alone. I essentially told her to find someone else to take that to, and next week (when I get back to work) will look up the number for EAP to try and urge her to call and talk to a third party who isn't going to get angry and upset when she vents. Because she does need to vent, but neither DH nor I can handle that right now. My poor cousin I suspect got an earful, since he drove her to dinner and back home when we all went out to dinner. That's fine. Gave me a chance to vent to DH, who was very sweet about it.

Right now, I'm planning to spend as much time as possible tomorrow just resting and cross-stitching. We have to go to the lawyer's at 3 to sign our updated/new wills, but otherwise if I can get away with it or unless I wake up and am in a good mood again, I'm going to use the excuse that school starts early Saturday, then I'm going in to work both Sat and Sun before returning next week, and I need to take tomorrow to prepare for getting back to my normal life as much as possible.

 

[Dan Murphy]

Another day, Tammi.

 

[Aprille]

Wishing you a better day today.

 

[snoopy]

I'm glad you told your mom the way you feel, even if it means snapping at her. You gotta take care of you too! And hopefully she will use that EAP number, you might think about using it too. Its comforting talking to people who are trained profiesionals, who really know how to counsel people who are grieving.

Also glad that you are preparing for school - I think that will help get your mind off things? When do you return to work? That will be hard, but once you get in the swing of things there, it probably also will help pass the days in that you won't have so much time on your hands.

Thinking of you always, Tammi.

 

[wdw4us]

I've been thinking about you. It must be so hard dealing with all of this. I agree school/work is the best. You have to act normal and that will be practice to be normal. It's what I did and it saved me.

Your still in my prayers.

denise

 

[Serena]

I remember well staring into space and not knowing where the time went. I suggest you get a counselor too. They are trained to help you deal with stuff.
As for "snapping" at your mom, I think you both needed it. You needed to say it and he needed to hear it.

Take one day at a time, one hour at a time, one minute at a time.

 

[Lars624]

 

[luvmydogs]

You're being so strong, Tammi. Just one day at a time...

 

[Big V]

{{{Hugs}}}

 

[Tuffcookie]

Hugs and prayers, Tammi. Going to a counsellor is a good thing!

TC

 

[helenabear]

I do think a counselor would be able to help your mom or even yourself. Keep on hanging in there

 

[Cindy B]

I wrote this beautiful response last night, but it somehow got erased during the 2 am maintenance... but I'll do my best from memory..

Going to talk to the EAP for a referral is a good idea. Not only for your mother, but possibly both of you. Its hard not to snap at people during tense times... I can't tell you how many apologies I gave out and heard during that time period.

Also, to me there is no back to "normal" since my "normal" has changed. It is now a "usual schedule". Going back to "usual schedule" helped, me, my DH, and the kids to get back on track. To go 3 days, and then have a rough spot is completely and totally like how we both were when Mom died. (yes even though my MIL, she was MOM to me). Honestly that still happens even four months later. Time does heal. Grief for me wasn't "istant" and it still isn't.

Going back to work helped. It gave me time to focus and to heal.

 

[Boo'sMom]

Rajah

 

[goofy4tink]

Have to agree with Cindy B. There is no 'back to normal'. I, too, have good days for a while and then, bam!, another bad one. It's just taking each day at a time, putting one foot in front of the other. Each day brings you closer to healing, but it is never going to be the same again. Hugs to you Tammi. Don't try to be 'too' strong. Lean on that great DH. He sounds a lot like mine. I couldn't get through each day without his strength.

 

[Robinrs]

Normalcy changes so many times in our lives... the new normal will happen when the tears and pain have more distance between, but they never go completely away.

Good for you to get someone for your Mom to vent on. Her pain is a different one from yours but you have to heal and her pain is putting your healing on hold. She needs it so desparately now, but remember, anger is easily expressed and eventually subsides, other grieving processes such as guilt can linger on for years...

Hang in there, Tammi and remember we love you,

God bless

Robinrs

 

[Disney Doll]

In time you will create a "new" normal for yourself and your family. Meanwhile, just concentrate on taking one day at a time. The EAP program is a good idea for both you and your Mom, as you both need an objective, professional,non-judgemental opinion.

I have no personal experience with the self-inflicted death of a loved one, but I have 2 friends who have gone through it and what you and your mother are feeling are perfectly normal feelings. I watched my friends go through a range of emotions from despair to anger and everything in between, and I have watched them move toward acceptance. The stages of grieving don't always move smoothly or quickly, but with the right help, they do move along at their pace...YOUR pace.

Do get the right help. Don't try to do this alone. As wonderful as your DH and friends and other supoorters may be, a professional is almost a requirement in this sort of situation.

 

[WebmasterMaryJo]

<font color=navy>Tammi,

You've been on my mind, so thank you for updating us. This is really tough. I lost my mom through something similar, though not the same, so I understand what you're going through.

Just know that there are a lot of us here who care about you.

 

[Carl]

I'm reading your updates, Tammi. Keep us informed. Hugs.

 

[DemonLlama]

 

[tinaluis]

Hugs to you Tammi! I agree that getting back to work and school are good things. I went right back to work after I lost my Mom and Dad. Everyone I worked with told me to go home and relax, not to rush back to work. I really needed to be there (Did I say that?) and to get back into the swing of things. I hope it helps you too.