Today is my anniversary

[postage stamp]

And my husband isn't here. And I just found out he won't be here for Halloween (which he's never, not once seen our kids in their outfits), Thanksgiving, our oldest DD's 5th birthday, my birthday, and we;ll be lucky if he makes it for Christmas. Yay military.

So I'm starting the pity party now, I have chocolates and a bottle of wine that I suppose I can hold off on until the kids go to bed.

Anyone care to join me?

 

[Magic Mom]

I understand. Our anniversary just passed and DH was gone. He's been gone for our anniversary many years, as well as Christmas and birthdays. Will you get to talk to him? One good thing about deployments now is that communication is so much easier. When DH was in Desert Storm, I think he only got to call home 3 times the whole deployment (about 15 minutes each call.) I couldn't imagine that now.

 

[Darcy03231]

to you and thank you and your husband for your service to our country.

While its definitely not the same, why not celebrate tonight with your kids anyway? Have a nice meal and cake, lots and lots of cake. I'm a firm believer in cake. You could even make it more special and eat the cake first.

 

[postage stamp]

We get to email pretty regularly, but phone calls are few and far between. I never know what to say anyway.

Normally I try to take it in stride, but he's been home 12 months of the last 3.5 years, and it's really starting to wear on me.

The last year has been a mess with my mom dying and my disabled aunt coming to live with us, and even though I know he can't fix it, he can't make it go away, just having him next to me makes it bearable. But I can't even have that.

He wants to get out so badly, but there are just no jobs to be had. We are at the point of "Do we trade our sanity for a roof over our children's heads?" And we just don't know.

 

[suejai]

Can I join your pity party too. It's our anniversary today too and DH is away, but he will home on Wednesday. He's no longer in the military but is away most of the time anyway

 

[mickeyboat]

That stinks. I am sorry. Happy Anniversary!

 

[GJM]

I understand - my DH has missed many anniversary's also because of the military!

 

[postage stamp]

Thanks everybody. Sometimes it feels good just to let it out. I feel like I have to be superwoman all the time. I never thought it would feel GOOD to allow myself to feel vulnerable.

 

[sbell111]

Poor guy. I feel bad for him.

 

[KAMKIM]

Honestly with all of my heart, thank you to your husband, and you for the sacrifices you all are making.

 

[Magic Mom]

Poor guy. I feel bad for him.

I definitely think DH has it harder than I do. I get to be in our comfy home watching the kids grow, enjoying my days while he is off alone. But I also think its OK to vent once in a while. He may have it much worse, but being the one that stays behind isn't always a walk in the park either. The OP isn't hurting anyone by letting it out here.

 

[postage stamp]

He's SO good about me venting to him. BUT I always make it perfectly clear that it's the situation that I'm upset with, not him. I know he doesn't want to be away from us, and I know that it kills him to miss these things, just as much, if not more, than it kills me. I do not resent him for being gone, because he has a job that he loves and he is providing for the rest of us very well in the best way he knows how.

That doesn't make it easy though. In fact, I think it makes it harder. If he hated what he was doing, or if we weren't OK financially I think it would be easier to just walk away.

There are times when I'm down to my last nerve and I think "He hasn't seen our children in X amount of time." And the thought of me being away from our babies for that long makes me almost physically ill. I can't even begin to imagine how he feels when he's away.

He is very lucky in that he has some wonderful friends in his division, and it does make me feel better, because I know they all take care of each other. Even though it's not the same, I'm glad to know that he has people to talk tom joke with, cry if he needs to, whatever.

 

[KAMKIM]

He's SO good about me venting to him. BUT I always make it perfectly clear that it's the situation that I'm upset with, not him. I know he doesn't want to be away from us, and I know that it kills him to miss these things, just as much, if not more, than it kills me. I do not resent him for being gone, because he has a job that he loves and he is providing for the rest of us very well in the best way he knows how.

That doesn't make it easy though. In fact, I think it makes it harder. If he hated what he was doing, or if we weren't OK financially I think it would be easier to just walk away.

There are times when I'm down to my last nerve and I think "He hasn't seen our children in X amount of time." And the thought of me being away from our babies for that long makes me almost physically ill. I can't even begin to imagine how he feels when he's away.

He is very lucky in that he has some wonderful friends in his division, and it does make me feel better, because I know they all take care of each other. Even though it's not the same, I'm glad to know that he has people to talk tom joke with, cry if he needs to, whatever.

You are a good wife.

 

[CharityLynn]

Happy Anniversary to you! It's my anniversary today too 5 years for us, how about you?

 

[postage stamp]

You are a good wife.

Let's not get carried away. I'd say slightly better than average

Happy Anniversary to you! It's my anniversary today too 5 years for us, how about you?

5 years for us too! (and yes I was HUGELY pregnant when I walked down the aisle!)

 

[bumbershoot]

When DH was in Desert Storm, I think he only got to call home 3 times the whole deployment (about 15 minutes each call.) I couldn't imagine that now.

Reminds me of hubby's story. Although his dad was out of the Navy (and Merchant Marines) by the time my husband and his younger sister came along, FIL was in the shipping industry all his life (joined up too young for WW2, kicked out, re-joined once old enough, went to MM, and so on).

In around '76 he was in Saudi Arabia, and wanted to call home. He had to schedule the call, then it took about an hour for his call to be routed. It rang. Hubby's little sister picked up, talked with her dad, FIL asked to talk to his wife, and Vi *hung up the phone* to go and tell MIL that FIL was on the phone.

And that was a better situation than when he was in WW2 on ships, or in Merchant Marines! It's quite a bit different now...

He wants to get out so badly, but there are just no jobs to be had. We are at the point of "Do we trade our sanity for a roof over our children's heads?" And we just don't know.

What are his skills? If he can do computer stuff, there are jobs...hubby should know! Obviously the military gives you plenty of experience, and my husband has that but no college degree, and every single one of the companies he has ever applied to has looked past the no degree thing and went straight to the experience. Since you are in WA and so are we, the companies are the same ones...

 

[tinatark]

My brother in law and sister in law's anniversary was in July. Their 20th. He was a firefighter and missed many events because of his shifts - they knew what they were getting into because of his job.

This year, he missed their anniversary because he died in October. Left for work on Saturday the 11th, beautiful, sunny day, and he had a heart attack and died. No health concerns before. He didn't even survive until he got to the hospital, although the responders (and his 16 year old son, who was with him, and did chest compressions) did everything- defibrullator, compressions, drugs - they just didn't work.

Because of the timing of when he died, it was considered a line of duty death - his wife and son were entitled to special local, state, and federal benefits. Worker's comp, too. She would give everything, anything to be complaining about him missing a special day because of work. Instead, she's going to Fallen Firefighter memorials - one in Colorado, one in Tallahassee (FL), Ocala (FL) and where they live, in Jacksonville FL, within about 2 weeks of each other. Washington D.C. next October.

 

[postage stamp]

Thanks Tina. Because I really wanted to feel CRAPPIER today.

I'm very sorry for your family's loss, but that doesn't mean I'm not entitled to feel sad and miss my husband. Just because he's alive doesn't mean that I should be HAPPY that he's missing our children's lives.

I didn't start this to COMPARE my grief and loneliness to anyone else's and yes I'm VERY fortunate that my husband is alive and well, and I know it.

 

[irishbosoxfan]

I'm an Army Wife. It takes a special breed to be a military spouse. The divorce rates for military couples is higher than our civilian counterparts. Some wives just can't hack it.

I knew from day one it would never be about me or our children. I"ve heard the jokes about if the military wanted the soldiers to have a spouse they'd have issued them one. I don't let the little things get me down. Birthdays,anniversaries,heck even Christmas is a little thing. To be a strong military spouse you have to be able to roll with the punches. Each and every single one of them. Even if they're coming at you fast and furious. Timmy's birthday's coming up--hubbys pay got lost in the system somewhere--the dog's letting loose from both ends and needs to go to the vet--the car died and it's going to be a couple of hundred to get it moving again...

There were many times on deployments that I wanted to scream. Instead I stopped and took a deep breath. And focused on one problem at a time. You need to keep your sanity.

DH is home right now but gearing up to leave again in February. We just celebrated our 10th anniversary a week ago. When he was asked what we were doing to celebrate our milestone he joked that he was going to take me to McDonalds and let me get whatever I want and he was going to let me supersize it and he was going to let me pick a movie from Redbox,heck 2 even since this was a big anniversary. People told him I would rip him to shreds if he did that. But DH knew me better. We had offers to babysit our kids so we could go out but we didn't take them up on it. Our anniversary dinner was at McDonalds because that's what the kids wanted for dinner but there were no bells or whistles.They weren't needed or important.

I guess I've become used to him not being here and I've never been the kind of person that I need someone else. I've learned to appreciate the little things and not put much stock into what others consider important. And thanks to the military I've learned to change what I consider important.

Do something special that includes the kids to mark your anniversary if celebrating it is that important,gather them in the kitchen and bake a cake together or look into an outing that you can all do together. But don't let them see you down. You are their whole world right now and they don't need to think that there's something wrong with you. If you need a good cry, wait until they're in bed then go out to the garage and let loose.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I understand completely about your situation. Been there, did that and have several shirts and battle scars from it. You can get through this. I know that it seems never ending and can wear on your soul and your children's and your husband's.

Do you have pictures from your wedding or did you have cake? Share the pictures with your children or make a cake that was similar to your wedding cake and share it with them. Afterall one of the kids was there when you had the wedding

My husband will be gone again this anniversary also. It'll be the fourth gone in 7 years. Monday is my birthday and he will be here suprisingly. It'll be the 3rd one in 7 years.

All I can say is tonight while you lay in bed and crying to remember the love you felt walking down the isle to him or the love that feels your heart and soul when you jump into his arms at the end of the deployment. Tomorrow get up, wash your face, and mark another day off the calendar and it'll be a brand new day. You can do this.