Tired of one-sided friendship...

[SundaeAfternoon]

The friendship in question is with my supposed "best friend" of 17 years. I moved to Florida from California almost four years ago, and since then, we've grown apart. I feel like I have to initiate everything in this friendship, and it's wearing on me emotionally. I have started to feel a lot of resentment towards her, and it's just not healthy for me. Something has to change. Here are some of the examples of why I am feeling this way about her:

1. We rarely speak on the phone, except for a birthday or Christmas, if that. If I want to talk to her on the phone more than that, I have to initiate it.

2. We don't text. Again, I've tried to initiate it many times, and she will reply back, but never initiates a text herself. However, I have seen her text her other friends like mad when she came to visit.

3. Emails....She will email me once in a while, but this is how it usually goes: She will email me a relatively short letter, I then respond, asking her questions and telling her things about my life that I feel warrant a response of some kind. She never responds, and then months later she will send me another email, but mentions nothing from my reply.

4. She came to visit back in 2007, and the visit did not go well. She was in a mopey mood the whole time she was at my house, and I couldn't get her motivated to go anywhere or do anything. I confronted her about it on her last day, and she got defensive and did not agree about her moodiness. But we got through that, at least I think. Having said that, not once in the almost four years since I moved away has she invited me out to see her. I have invited her back many times and she will say "Oh, that would be fun." and never mentions it again. I asked her last July if she wanted to come visit in December, as my work was giving us two weeks off for the holidays. Her response was that she had no idea what her life was going to be like in December, and she was trying to pay off some credit card debt. Okay, that's fine. She was however, able to take a trip to Europe with another friend in October.

Moral of the story...I can tell when I'm being pushed away. That's fine. I have other close friends and I will be okay. She still refers to me as her best friend and says she loves me, but that just baffles me! How can you possibly care about someone and treat them this way? This leads me to believe that she is in denial about how far we've grown apart. I know she is busy and has a life. So do I. But I expect more from a best friendship than a handful of emails and 1-2 phone calls a year.

I have composed a letter that addresses everything I've mentioned above and that we need to try and work things out, or we need to move on separately. I haven't sent it yet, because I don't want to ruin her Easter. But I really think it needs to be done at some point in the next few months. Any comments or suggestions would be appreciated. If you think I should handle it differently, or want to share your own stories, please share!

 

[golfgal]

Life goes on, people change, you are a country apart and she is making it pretty apparent she doesn't want to continue being best friends. I wouldn't send any letters, just don't initiate any more contacts. Send her Christmas cards to keep up.

 

[dairyou]

It sounds like you understand where she's coming from. It's hard to have a one sided relationship. I would just re-read your letter and make sure it comes from love and not anger. It's always helped me if I had someone else read it.

What would happen if you just stopped perusing and let her take action?

 

[Becky2005]

I'm thinking just let it fade naturally vs. causing all sorts of issues by sending the letter.

I've had many friends over the years that while we were in close proximity we were pretty close but then moves happen and I rarely hear from them after a bit, etc... It's just the way it goes...if they showed up tomorrow, we would probably get together and carry on just like before but no matter what your good intentions with sending the letter, it's going to cause hurt feelings and probably not going to have the intended outcome you are looking for.

It's not going to make her text you more or call more as a matter of fact, it will probably make your friend feel like you have basically attacked her, no matter how it's worded.

 

[Mary•Poppins]

I kind of have a friend like this and unfortunately, she has a lot more problems in her life that our friendship takes the back burner. When it happened at first (15 years ago), I was quite upset, however, I would not have wanted to put myself in her shoes.

So, we are still friends ... not as close as I would have liked is at the time (however, I am fine with the way things are). I think over time, you mature a bit and realize the people who really care about you will be by your side through thick and thin. (I had my gallbladder out on Tuesday and I have had numerous friends bring over dinner for my family, send flowers, etc.. However this one friend has never called. A mutual friend is a bit bothered by the situation ... but it doesn't bother me. This friend has her own way of dealing with things ... and not dealing with them is one of her ways. ... if this makes any sense!)

I am not sure I would send the letter. I think hard feelings would come from it. I would just not initiate any contact ... only the amount that you feel comfortable with ... and I would move on. For some reason, she is distancing herself from you and sending the letter really puts the ball in her court. If you really want to speak your peace, I would probably call her ... as hard as this might be.

I am so sorry your friend is treating you this way ... however, maybe it is happening for a reason. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

The friendship in question is with my supposed "best friend" of 17 years. I moved to Florida from California almost four years ago, and since then, we've grown apart. I feel like I have to initiate everything in this friendship, and it's wearing on me emotionally. I have started to feel a lot of resentment towards her, and it's just not healthy for me. Something has to change. Here are some of the examples of why I am feeling this way about her:

1. We rarely speak on the phone, except for a birthday or Christmas, if that. If I want to talk to her on the phone more than that, I have to initiate it.

2. We don't text. Again, I've tried to initiate it many times, and she will reply back, but never initiates a text herself. However, I have seen her text her other friends like mad when she came to visit.

3. Emails....She will email me once in a while, but this is how it usually goes: She will email me a relatively short letter, I then respond, asking her questions and telling her things about my life that I feel warrant a response of some kind. She never responds, and then months later she will send me another email, but mentions nothing from my reply.

4. She came to visit back in 2007, and the visit did not go well. She was in a mopey mood the whole time she was at my house, and I couldn't get her motivated to go anywhere or do anything. I confronted her about it on her last day, and she got defensive and did not agree about her moodiness. But we got through that, at least I think. Having said that, not once in the almost four years since I moved away has she invited me out to see her. I have invited her back many times and she will say "Oh, that would be fun." and never mentions it again. I asked her last July if she wanted to come visit in December, as my work was giving us two weeks off for the holidays. Her response was that she had no idea what her life was going to be like in December, and she was trying to pay off some credit card debt. Okay, that's fine. She was however, able to take a trip to Europe with another friend in October.

Moral of the story...I can tell when I'm being pushed away. That's fine. I have other close friends and I will be okay. She still refers to me as her best friend and says she loves me, but that just baffles me! How can you possibly care about someone and treat them this way? This leads me to believe that she is in denial about how far we've grown apart. I know she is busy and has a life. So do I. But I expect more from a best friendship than a handful of emails and 1-2 phone calls a year.

I have composed a letter that addresses everything I've mentioned above and that we need to try and work things out, or we need to move on separately. I haven't sent it yet, because I don't want to ruin her Easter. But I really think it needs to be done at some point in the next few months. Any comments or suggestions would be appreciated. If you think I should handle it differently, or want to share your own stories, please share!

My suggestion to you is to not send anything. You are trying to get her attention by creating unnecessary drama in the hopes she responds to you with mushy friend things to "prove" she is you best friend. This is like throwing down the gauntlet.

Let things naturally go. Stop initiating things and move forward with your life.

There is no need to "lash out" or make demands on her. If she sends an email, just blow it off. Or respond with something short.

I hear that you want the old friendship back but it is just not possible. You seem like you are resistant to a "new type" of friendship with her or you just are too far apart to maintain it as a friendship.

 

[Ceila]

You seem like you can see the wirting on the wall. She obviously has moved on, and I'm sorry, but sending a letter seems so "middle-school." I know it hurts to realize that a friendship has fizzled out, but the best thing is to simply move along as well. Send her holiday cards, keep in touch once on a while if you like, but realize that it's time to develop another circle of friends. {{{hugs}}

 

[MIGrandma]

I understand what you're going through as I had a one-sided friendship myself. For years everything went well, when our kids were young and we all attended the same church. Then I started working Sundays so we could no longer attend church. She practically dropped me like a hot potato. It hurt. I tried to keep it going but after awhile I knew she didn't want to so I gave up. A few months ago I got on Facebook, she was on also and sent me a "friend request." I almost ignored it but decided to accept, and we have chatted a bit back and forth. I'm retired now so she invited us back to church a couple of times, and I finally told her we won't be coming back there. Too many hurts. I have not heard from her since. I truly feel that if we went back to church she would be right there to pick up the pieces of our friendship. But since we don't go to church, she doesn't want to be friends. I don't need a "friend" like that.

I thought about writing her a letter letting her know how I felt, but I did that once when the friendship was drifting apart. Decided not to bother a second time. It's just not worth it. I'm not going to beg her for her friendship.

 

[disykat]

I agree with the others. Sending her a letter will do nothing except make you feel justified in your anger. There's nothing wrong with sending her a letter letting her know that you care for her and would like to spend more time with her - but why the need to threaten her with ending the friendship if she doesn't step it up?

I have many friends where keeping in contact is hard, but I still feel they are good friends. Your OP could even describe my relationship to my sister at times. I have certainly felt at times that I'm the only one that cares about relationships and it does make me feel sad. However, I can't imagine telling these people that I am dropping them from my friend list because they don't measure up to my friend expectations. I know there are times I let my friends down as well, I hope they don't dump me or insist on remediation to continue being my friend.

Right now you still have a friend, the relationship just doesn't meet your requirements. I understand that you are disappointed, but do you really believe that every relationship you have has to meet certain requirements or you end it? Why not enjoy the little contact you DO have with her?

If this were a boyfriend/girlfriend thing I'd agree with you that it was time to cut loose and move on. But from my understanding of it, this friendship doesn't prohibit you from forming other relationships. Why not concentrate on other friendships for a while and let this relationship be more casual? I don't see a need to "end" friendships.

 

[Sandy V.]

Write the letter. Read the letter. Destroy the letter after reading it. Feel better for venting and then move on.

I just don't see any good from actually SENDING it. The relationship will die its own death in due course.

 

[HOGFAN]

going thru this myself right now. I had been really close to someone, like a sister to me. Then she started to pull away. Im the type of person that has few friends but keep them very close. She has many friends but keeps them all at a distance. Two different approaches. I think for a short period of time she was going thru a rough patch and needed someone close, then didnt anymore. Unfortunately, I got hurt really bad. We do have a relationship on a casual level now but its killing me. Oh well, hugs to you, I know.

 

[ols386]

I agree with the others, I wouldn't send the letter. Let it end or progress naturally.

 

[SundaeAfternoon]

Life goes on, people change, you are a country apart and she is making it pretty apparent she doesn't want to continue being best friends. I wouldn't send any letters, just don't initiate any more contacts. Send her Christmas cards to keep up.

I think so too, even if it's on a subconscious level.

What would happen if you just stopped perusing and let her take action?

I think she would eventually ask me what was wrong. Maybe that's the best way to go, and if she brings it up, then maybe I will say something.

I'm thinking just let it fade naturally vs. causing all sorts of issues by sending the letter.

I've had many friends over the years that while we were in close proximity we were pretty close but then moves happen and I rarely hear from them after a bit, etc... It's just the way it goes...if they showed up tomorrow, we would probably get together and carry on just like before but no matter what your good intentions with sending the letter, it's going to cause hurt feelings and probably not going to have the intended outcome you are looking for.

It's not going to make her text you more or call more as a matter of fact, it will probably make your friend feel like you have basically attacked her, no matter how it's worded.

Thanks for your advice.

I kind of have a friend like this and unfortunately, she has a lot more problems in her life that our friendship takes the back burner. When it happened at first (15 years ago), I was quite upset, however, I would not have wanted to put myself in her shoes.

So, we are still friends ... not as close as I would have liked is at the time (however, I am fine with the way things are). I think over time, you mature a bit and realize the people who really care about you will be by your side through thick and thin. (I had my gallbladder out on Tuesday and I have had numerous friends bring over dinner for my family, send flowers, etc.. However this one friend has never called. A mutual friend is a bit bothered by the situation ... but it doesn't bother me. This friend has her own way of dealing with things ... and not dealing with them is one of her ways. ... if this makes any sense!)

I am not sure I would send the letter. I think hard feelings would come from it. I would just not initiate any contact ... only the amount that you feel comfortable with ... and I would move on. For some reason, she is distancing herself from you and sending the letter really puts the ball in her court. If you really want to speak your peace, I would probably call her ... as hard as this might be.

I am so sorry your friend is treating you this way ... however, maybe it is happening for a reason. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

My friend is the same way. When I was in the process of moving, she refused to acknowledge it. I think she was hurting, but at the same time she was hurting me because it felt like she didn't care.

Thanks for the well wishes. I hope your recovery goes well!

My suggestion to you is to not send anything. You are trying to get her attention by creating unnecessary drama in the hopes she responds to you with mushy friend things to "prove" she is you best friend. This is like throwing down the gauntlet.

Let things naturally go. Stop initiating things and move forward with your life.

There is no need to "lash out" or make demands on her. If she sends an email, just blow it off. Or respond with something short.

I hear that you want the old friendship back but it is just not possible. You seem like you are resistant to a "new type" of friendship with her or you just are too far apart to maintain it as a friendship.

Thanks. I will give that a go.

You seem like you can see the wirting on the wall. She obviously has moved on, and I'm sorry, but sending a letter seems so "middle-school." I know it hurts to realize that a friendship has fizzled out, but the best thing is to simply move along as well. Send her holiday cards, keep in touch once on a while if you like, but realize that it's time to develop another circle of friends. {{{hugs}}

I have made other friends since I've gotten here, so I will be okay.

I understand what you're going through as I had a one-sided friendship myself. For years everything went well, when our kids were young and we all attended the same church. Then I started working Sundays so we could no longer attend church. She practically dropped me like a hot potato. It hurt. I tried to keep it going but after awhile I knew she didn't want to so I gave up. A few months ago I got on Facebook, she was on also and sent me a "friend request." I almost ignored it but decided to accept, and we have chatted a bit back and forth. I'm retired now so she invited us back to church a couple of times, and I finally told her we won't be coming back there. Too many hurts. I have not heard from her since. I truly feel that if we went back to church she would be right there to pick up the pieces of our friendship. But since we don't go to church, she doesn't want to be friends. I don't need a "friend" like that.

I thought about writing her a letter letting her know how I felt, but I did that once when the friendship was drifting apart. Decided not to bother a second time. It's just not worth it. I'm not going to beg her for her friendship.

Ouch. I know how you feel! I had a problem with a church friend once. We had a falling out and she went behind my back and tried to get everyone in the choir against me. I ended up leaving the church.

I agree with the others. Sending her a letter will do nothing except make you feel justified in your anger. There's nothing wrong with sending her a letter letting her know that you care for her and would like to spend more time with her - but why the need to threaten her with ending the friendship if she doesn't step it up?

I have many friends where keeping in contact is hard, but I still feel they are good friends. Your OP could even describe my relationship to my sister at times. I have certainly felt at times that I'm the only one that cares about relationships and it does make me feel sad. However, I can't imagine telling these people that I am dropping them from my friend list because they don't measure up to my friend expectations. I know there are times I let my friends down as well, I hope they don't dump me or insist on remediation to continue being my friend.

Right now you still have a friend, the relationship just doesn't meet your requirements. I understand that you are disappointed, but do you really believe that every relationship you have has to meet certain requirements or you end it? Why not enjoy the little contact you DO have with her?

If this were a boyfriend/girlfriend thing I'd agree with you that it was time to cut loose and move on. But from my understanding of it, this friendship doesn't prohibit you from forming other relationships. Why not concentrate on other friendships for a while and let this relationship be more casual? I don't see a need to "end" friendships.

I just wanted to clarify...my letter (actually it would be an email) would not be to threaten her, but to find out if maybe she has issues with me as well, and therefore we could both air out our feelings. For example, maybe she never got over our disagreement when she came out to visit and that is why she is pulling away. The "moving on separately" part would only be if she got defensive and didn't want to talk things through.

Write the letter. Read the letter. Destroy the letter after reading it. Feel better for venting and then move on.

I just don't see any good from actually SENDING it. The relationship will die its own death in due course.

That is a good idea.

going thru this myself right now. I had been really close to someone, like a sister to me. Then she started to pull away. Im the type of person that has few friends but keep them very close. She has many friends but keeps them all at a distance. Two different approaches. I think for a short period of time she was going thru a rough patch and needed someone close, then didnt anymore. Unfortunately, I got hurt really bad. We do have a relationship on a casual level now but its killing me. Oh well, hugs to you, I know.

Hugs to you too. I hope things work out for you as well!

 

[robinb]

I don't think you are being "pushed away", I think you are simply drifting apart. I agree with the PP who said to write a letter and then burn it. It will allow you the opportunity to work though things without burning any bridges that may remain.

 

[lovemygoofy]

I think it depends on what kind of friendship you are wanting and where you are in life. I have lots of friends that I may only talk to once or twice a year at best and possibly 3-4 emails a year. I still consider them friends. I've no doubt that in a pinch they would go to bat for me and vice versa. I think of it as a special treat when I hear from them.

Again, it's partly a mindset and the level of friendship. I understand because ya'll were so close for many years that you might not want that kind of friendship. I just wanted to ofer the perspecitive that it's nice to have a friendship with someone you know so well even if you don't hear from that person as often as you like.

 

[MrBurns]

Doesn't sound like a friendship to me.

Move on.

 

[*pixie*dust*]

Just let her go. No good will come of sending a letter.

 

[mjkacmom]

I am lucky to have a lot of long-term friendships, but they sound like yours, except we're all in the same agreement. I just talked on the phone with my childhood best friend - we met in the 6th grade, and we're now in our 40's. We send Christmas cards, and talk a few times a year. I have this relationship with most of my HS friends. I never talk on the phone with my college friends, but we do get together a couple of times a year, since we're within a couple of hours of each other.

Either except the friendship on her terms (it doesn't seem like she doesn't want to be friends, but wants a typical long-distance friendship), or let it go.

 

[LiLIrishChick63]

i am in the EXACT SAME BOAT as you!! i've been friends with my supposed "best friend" for 21 years now and we barely speak.

her and i got into a bit of a scuffle on her facebook, and since then i've really been having a hard time even seeing her name pop up on facebook.

it is pretty hard when you've had this person in your life for so long and then suddenly they don't want to be bothered with you anymore.

i'm wondering if maybe it's a jealousy thing? your friend is still living in California yet you've moved and started your own new life in Florida.

i've been married for 2 years and my "best friend" hasn't really associated with me much in those past 2 years(altho we've been having issues before then, it actually all started when i began dating in high school and she never did).

 

[minkydog]

My suggestion to you is to not send anything. You are trying to get her attention by creating unnecessary drama in the hopes she responds to you with mushy friend things to "prove" she is you best friend. This is like throwing down the gauntlet.

Let things naturally go. Stop initiating things and move forward with your life.

There is no need to "lash out" or make demands on her. If she sends an email, just blow it off. Or respond with something short.

I hear that you want the old friendship back but it is just not possible. You seem like you are resistant to a "new type" of friendship with her or you just are too far apart to maintain it as a friendship.

Totally agree. This has DRAMA written all over it. I'm sorry your friendship has changed. I know it hurts. But you have to let it go. You can't force her to be the involved friend she once was. She's trying to tell you that her life has moved on and your life needs to move on too, without her. You say you have friends in your new town. Well, this is the time to rely on their friendship. What you're describing sounds tragically like a woman who is hanging onto a man at any cost(you know the type.) It's not pretty. Pick youself and brush the dust from your sandals. Time to move on.