Thoughts on Engagement Ring debate?

[hiwaygal]

Did you want a diamond?

At first, yeah, I thought I did. I sent him pictures to let him know styles I liked.

But, when he gave me the ring he picked out and explained why he chose it (it was part of his proposal), I was

I think the girl in the OP is being quite selfish and demanding. I can understand wanting some kind of symbol, but the bottom line (to me) is that the ring is a gift given out of love.

 

[Hoodie]

My hubby first proposed without a ring. I accepted, of course!

He did have one but rather than put it on credit, he wanted it 100% paid for before it went on my finger. I got my ring about a month later (and he re-proposed) but I would still have married him without one.

I did have a couple of people ask where the ring was and when I got it "why did it take so long"

 

[laughinplace199]

I can see both sides. A lot of people don't take a couple seriously if they are engaged but there's no ring. On the other hand, it shouldn't matter what other people think if they are in love and are looking forward to getting married.

My DH got me a ring, but it involved using his savings, borrowing money from his brother, and leaving said money in a bag at a liquor store for a guy named George , but I digress...

 

[nmmom95]

My DH picked my engagement ring and I love it, but I would have married him without it.

 

[Handbag Lady]

At first, yeah, I thought I did. I sent him pictures to let him know styles I liked.

But, when he gave me the ring he picked out and explained why he chose it (it was part of his proposal), I was

I think the girl in the OP is being quite selfish and demanding. I can understand wanting some kind of symbol, but the bottom line (to me) is that the ring is a gift given out of love.

Exactly, on both points.

 

[Momvic5]

I would have married my dh without a ring.....but I can understand how a young lady might want a ring and how she could view it as important. I think a couple should consider what is important to eachother, and if a ring is important to her, then it should be important to him, and he should at least consider it. Maybe he can not afford her dream ring, but I am sure that if he really wanted to, he could find something that he could afford. However, I do think that it is ridiculous for a young woman to turn down a marriage proposal based on a ring....where is the love in that?!

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I had a ring when I proposed to my wife. The part I screwed up was that I was so terribly nervous that I just blurted everything out. Forgot to get down on a knee, etc. I still apologize to this day for being such a buffoon that day, but I was really nervous.

As to the ring, it wasn't anything extravagant since we couldn't afford much. She did tell me that she thought about returning it because we really needed the money at the time, but would still have considered us engaged.

 

[cat83]

Ooh a few of these posts reminded me of someone I know...
She was given the choice between a big ring that he couldn't afford, but would finance (somewhere around 2 carats)- and one that he could afford (somewhere a bit less than 1 carat).

Given that opportunity, she JUMPED on the ring-picking decision, and completely took it over.

What did she end up with? FIVE CARATS (the main diamond- and however many little diamonds around it). And a husband that now gets completely taken advantage of walked over
(Ok, the tendency to treat him bad was there before, but I feel this sealed the deal)

To make things worse, she used that ring as a symbol of status. As soon as she got engaged, she wanted to "compare rings" (I was already married). And she did so to anyone who got engaged. She knew hers was bigger, but acted surprised, and said things like "oh, I'm sure he meant well, but you should have done what I did to get what you really wanted". Ugh, no reasoning otherwise either; she called you jealous. I didn't let her know that that's extremely far from my taste and style, and that I love mine- there was no point

Obviously, I'm not close with this person anymore, but I can still hear her whiny voice. "Sa-am, I want ____. Sa-am, go get me a ____" Yes, she turned "Sam" into 2 syllables!

Ok, sorry for the long side topic, but that just triggered my memory

 

[Northstar]

Of course I would have married my now-DH without a ring.

But in that case, I wouldn't have wanted to make a big deal out of "being engaged." You know, the announcement to family and friends, the congratulations, the parties, the wedding planning.

I can see why, if this girl wants to do a traditional engagement progressing through stages to the big wedding, she'd rather wait till there's a ring. Ring=announcement of intention to go through all the stages of getting married in timely fashion

No ring CAN mean one of those annoying perennial engagements... where the couple lives together for a long time but won't just say, "hey, we kind of skipped the whole engagement and wedding thing so let's just tie the knot without fanfare." I think that's why people sometimes don't take an engagement seriously without the ring.

 

[FlightlessDuck]

We got engaged in September. I gave her a ring in December.

I didn't think it was necessary, but I WANTED to.

And right now, I'm not wearing my wedding ring. Lost it in the front yard in April. Haven't replaced it yet.

 

[KAMLEM]

I'm actually surprised at how many people posted that they were married without a ring. NOT because I think it's wrong, it's just not what I'm used to. Maybe it's a regional thing?? I can't think of anyone I know who has gotten married without an engagement ring. I'm not saying that in a snobby way, it's just how it is.

 

[MushyMushy]

To me, it seems like a childish expectation if the husband-to-be can't afford it and if the female is afraid of what others may think.

 

[surfergirl602]

My soon-to-be-engaged (we think!) friend and I were having a friendly debate yesterday and I would love to know what the general DIS public thinks:

Like I said, we think my friend's DBF is about to propose-a couple of weeks ago she found a small bag from our local jewlery hidden in his gym bag. Prior to the discovery of the possible ring, for a couple of years now he's asked her if she would marry him if he didn't give her an engagement ring (they're both young like my DH and I and aren't making a ton of money- but they are able to support themselves). She's always said no.

I told her I was surprised by this as I would've married DH if he hadn't given me an engagement ring. She said that today giving the engagement ring is the "right thing to do" and it's "expected". She said she, her parents, and all her friends would be disappointed if she didn't get the diamond. She also said that no one would take them seriously if she didn't have the engagement ring..

Thoughts? Would people really not take them seriously without an engagement ring? Is giving an engagement ring the "correct thing to do"?

Just looking for some opinions and thoughts!

Wow, she needs to get her priorities straight. Seems like she's only in it for the bling.

 

[NMAmy]

Thoughts? Would people really not take them seriously without an engagement ring? Is giving an engagement ring the "correct thing to do"?

Just looking for some opinions and thoughts!

What "people" is she talking about? I didn't want an engagement ring and I have a simple gold band for a wedding ring. I'm not a jewelry person--I don't like to wear it and I find it a waste of money. Maybe it's because it wasn't my first wedding but the only people that really needed to take our engagement seriously were DH and I. Who else would need to weigh in on it? If she is looking for validation from her parents, then I'd say she's too immature to be getting married with or without an engagement ring.

I'm actually surprised at how many people posted that they were married without a ring. NOT because I think it's wrong, it's just not what I'm used to. Maybe it's a regional thing?? I can't think of anyone I know who has gotten married without an engagement ring. I'm not saying that in a snobby way, it's just how it is.

Well, here's another one! My ex used to show his "love" with fancy jewelry he couldn't afford. Maybe that's why I have such an aversion to it now.

 

[Toad_Passenger]

To me, it seems like a childish expectation if the husband-to-be can't afford it and if the female is afraid of what others may think.

Bolded by me.

Welcome to the 21st century in America.

 

[palmtreegirl]

I would've married DH without an engagement ring in a heartbeat!! I ring means nothing to me, it's just an object.

 

[cm8]

It's not about the ring. It's about being with someone that you want to be with forever. If it comes down to a ring, this couple (this poor guy) has a lot to worry about. She sounds very immature. If she needs to hold out for the jewelry and he doesn't think it's important, then they are not on the "same page" from the start.

I really agree. In addition to that, What if it turns out that the Jewelry bag she saw was not for her? How is she going to feel knowing that she has been assuming she was getting engaged? I hope that she is not counting her chickens before they hatch!!

 

[mjkacmom]

I wanted the ring! Of course, my grandmother gave DH the diamond, so all he had to pay for was the wedding ring and setting. Actually, we were living together at the time, and our finances were combined, so I guess I payed for half! Been married 15 years (together for 21), and I wear it every day (most women I know do to). I'm NOT a big jewelry person - I rarely wear anything else.

 

[NotUrsula]

I think that there is a bit of regional expectation. As with a lot of other things surrounding marriage customs, rings seem to take on greater significance on the East Coast.

I tried to talk my DH out of buying a ring because I'm not a ring person. (I've always worked with my hands a lot, rings get in the way. I didn't want the responsibility of keeping track of a diamond ring if I was always having to take it off.) Luckily he didn't go out and buy something ahead of time, because that probably would have been an uncomfortable scene. The symbolism meant a lot to him, and he finally talked me into accepting the idea after about 4 months; we got engaged in September, I got the ring for my birthday in the late winter, and we married the following September. I started on the dress and booked the church and the plane tickets before I got a ring, and I don't remember anyone saying that I was strange or foolish for doing so.

BTW, my ring is my own design, I knew what I liked and we worked with a jeweler to create it. As it turns out, the gold was the most valuable part, because we have a semiprecious colored stone in it. I did lose it once and went without for about 2 years, until DH went back to the jeweler and had it recreated as an anniversary gift. It cost $275 originally, and about $400 when it was duplicated, because of the increased price of gold.

 

[bored]

That guy needs to run away fast!