Thoughts on Engagement Ring debate?

[RitaE]

Again not my personal experience but at least 2 situations I have personally witnessed---

It is very hurtful to a newly-engaged woman to hear "You're not really engaged. Where's the ring?" "He can't even be bothered to get you a ring? They sell them at Walmart now!" "Show me the ring!' or just the "Ohhhhh" when they explain that they are engaged without a ring. It takes the wind right out of their sails. Right or wrong I have seen that happen. And both of those women got rings later.

Maybe it is different living near NYC where people can run right over to the Diamond District but I don't know anyone who got married without having some sort of engagement ring at some point.

Again, is it right, no. But, the ridicule or derision that some people experience is very real- from family, friends, coworkers and acquaintances- at least in my area of the globe. So, I don't think that people who are concerned about what others may think or say are out of their minds or selfish. It is a very real thing they may have to deal with, so if people want a ringless engagement that's cool, but they should at least be prepared for some of these reactions so they don't get too hurt by them as my 2 friends/acquaintances did.

I guess I see that reasoning as a justification for giving into peer pressure - and I fully realize that we don't live in a perfect world where peer pressure doesn't matter. Heck, run down to the diamond district or call up QVC and get you some diamonique to keep your Mom quiet if you must, I totally understand. I even get that there are many people who want a big ring much more than I ever would, they have that right. If you want a nice ring, then find a way to earn the money and buy a nice ring.

But ... the question is whether or not you'd get married without an engagement ring and I believe that the decision of whether or not to marry somebody should be separated from the rock on your hand.

I just have to think if it comes down to "yes, if and only if you accompany this proposal with a minimum of two carats of acceptable quality" then everybody is going to be much happier in the long run if you just say no to the marriage and go buy yourself a nice ring.

 

[mjkacmom]

Maybe it is different living near NYC where people can run right over to the Diamond District but I don't know anyone who got married without having some sort of engagement ring at some point.

.

Maybe it's regional, but I don't know a single married woman without an engagement ring.

 

[Wishing on a star]

IMHO, if a man can't step up and buy some kind of (even inexpensive) engagement ring... If he can't even manage to find a way to 'afford' that... Then, obviously, he can't 'afford' what it takes to be married and support a wife and family.

Any man who wants me to give and to commit my whole being to him, and he specifically asks me to do it now, basicly 'for free'.....
I wouldn't do it either.
Too many men want it all for free.
Any man asks me to marry him and commit to him and serve him 'without a ring'...
He would get a definite 'no'.

Flame Suit ON......

I don't know if the OP's friend is looking for that HUGE rock, or what....
But, I certainly would not have become engaged and planned a wedding and a life with a man who could not manage to find a way to come up with a ring to show his love and commitment. What else is he NOT going to find a way to do/provide/etc....

For those who are rolling their eyes...
NO - I did not get a big expensive diamond...
NO - My husband and I were, and are, not rich... Barely managed to feed ourselves and pay the bills... We still don't have a lot. It is not about material things AT ALL....

As mentioned here, people DO look for that ring...
It is an important symbol of commitment and the fact that one is promised and spoken for.

Would I have to have a big expensive diamond?
No...

But, for me, when it comes to a ring... the L'oreal slogan says a lot "yes, I'm worth it".

 

[DSNY4ever]

I'm surprised that this thread is 4 pages long and no one commented on the fact that she found this bag that was HIDDEN. What was she looking for?

I don't think a ring is necessary for marriage, but if I heard the reason was that a couple didn't have the money for it (not that the girl did not want a ring), then in my head I would be thinking...then you probably don't have the money to be getting married right now.

But I also think giant flashy rings are ridiculous. But the symbol of a simple pretty band would be nice and would show that he worked hard and saved up for it and is ready to take that next step.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Maybe it's regional, but I don't know a single married woman without an engagement ring.

The only girls/women I know who have gotten married without a ring married destitute losers......

Seriously...

Just stating what I have seen....

 

[luvmy3]

I would have married dh in a heartbeat if he didn't give me a ring. In fact I was shocked that he did. He was a grad student and not making much money, we lived together so we knew could afford to be married however I did not expect a diamond ring until after he graduated. He bought me a very simple and inexpensive engagement ring but it really wasn't necessary, and if I told him it was I'd bet he would have walked away and I wouldn't have blamed him one bit.

 

[Forevryoung]

My best friend was engaged at Disney World- the perfect spot for them (In front of the sorcerers hat at HS). Her husband purchased a very simple silver ring in the shape of a Mickey head from a gift shop to complete the proposal.

She had known that she was going to use her Grandma's stone but he wasn't able to get it from her out of town parents. They designed a setting shortly before the wedding.

HOWEVER, she wears her "real" engagement ring (the Mickey one) EVERY day. It means a lot to her- her love of Disney, one of the best nights of her life, and her commitment to one of the most Disney loving men in the world

I want a "ring" but like my best friend, I don't mind if it's a $20 gift shop ring- it's the memories behind it.

 

[Orange County Girl]

IMHO, if a man can't step up and buy some kind of (even inexpensive) engagement ring... If he can't even manage to find a way to 'afford' that... Then, obviously, he can't 'afford' what it takes to be married and support a wife and family.

Any man who wants me to give and to commit my whole being to him, and he specifically asks me to do it now, basicly 'for free'.....
I wouldn't do it either.
Too many men want it all for free.
Any man asks me to marry him and commit to him and serve him 'without a ring'...
He would get a definite 'no'.

Flame Suit ON......

I don't know if the OP's friend is looking for that HUGE rock, or what....
But, I certainly would not have become engaged and planned a wedding and a life with a man who could not manage to find a way to come up with a ring to show his love and commitment. What else is he NOT going to find a way to do/provide/etc....

For those who are rolling their eyes...
NO - I did not get a big expensive diamond...
NO - My husband and I were, and are, not rich... Barely managed to feed ourselves and pay the bills... We still don't have a lot. It is not about material things AT ALL....

As mentioned here, people DO look for that ring...
It is an important symbol of commitment and the fact that one is promised and spoken for.

Would I have to have a big expensive diamond?
No...

But, for me, when it comes to a ring... the L'oreal slogan says a lot "yes, I'm worth it".

I agree with you. A woman should love him enough to agree to marry him without a ring, but he should love her enough to give the effort of presenting her with a ring even if he has to save and sacrifice to do it.

 

[Jennasis]

Forget the ring...WHY was she snooping around in his gym bag? Enough to find something "hidden"...

 

[Handbag Lady]

Oh, and my husband did surprise me with my engagement ring. I had no choice in the matter.

Luckily, he knew my tastes (I love jewelry) so it went so well with the rest of my stuff.

I have a diamond engagement ring and then a wedding ring with sapphires in it. I just love the two together and sapphires in a wedding ring are very important to me.


Nothing against people who shop together for the ring (How romantic is that!?) but do you discuss ahead of time the price range? How does the bride-to-be know to not fall in love with something out of his range?

 

[My sister's princess]

I have to agree with WOAS here... if he can't put up the effort to buy even something small, he isn't putting up enough effort. That being said though, some people are not jewelery people, and if you didn't want a ring, then he is doing the right thing not getting you one.

 

[snykymom]

Nothing against people who shop together for the ring (How romantic is that!?) but do you discuss ahead of time the price range? How does the bride-to-be know to not fall in love with something out of his range?

In planning our lives together, you better bet we had discussed finances! I knew how much he earned before he proposed. I knew what he paid for rent. I knew what his student loans were. I saw how he decided to spend his money, and his feelings about debt. And he knew the same about me. (And if you live together, you darned well better know this stuff!) And while we were shopping for rings, he said to the jeweler, "Show us something in this price range." That was a pretty big clue!

The number one issue that couples argue about is money. Maybe if more couples discussed these matters before getting engaged, there would be fewer arguments and fewer divorces. These are issues that are important, as are whether to have kids and how many, religion, how close you both are to your respective families, etc.

If you don't know these things, are you really ready to marry? Shouldn't you maybe just keep dating for a while?

 

[Aristomommy]

DH proposed to me without a ring. It was the most romantic proposal and I didn't need a rock to share my excitement with family and friends. I think too many women focus on a ring and a dress instead of finding their life partner. We will celebrate 15 years in October, and I have a beautiful ring that is special because it's my wedding ring, not when it was given to me.

Why was she snooping around though, or did she just happen to find a bag while getting something from the bag?

I feel bad for this guy to have found a great girl to share his life with, but unable to ask for a commitment because he feels the pressure of "the ring".

 

[ZachnElli]

I needed a date, not a ring! Before my dh, I was engaged to someone else. He gave me a ring, but no idea on when he wanted to walk down the aisle. DH gave me a date first and a month or so later, he gave me a ring. That first guy however, turning 40 this weekend and still never married....

ETA: I mean a date on when we would get married, we were "dating" already, just to make that clear!

 

[Mouse House Mama]

Would I have married my dh w/o a ring? Yes. I even told him that he didn't have to buy me a ring when we discussed marriage. He did get me a ring though and I love it!
Would I have married my dh w/o a ring if he couldn't afford one? Yes. Would I have married him if he didn't buy me a ring because he was cheap or didn't want to "waste" the money? No way. If he views things for me as a waste or doesn't want to spend a dime on me before we start a life together I could only imagine what my life with him would be like 10 years down the road. No thank you.

 

[indimom]

DH asked me without a ring, but presented me with a "surprise" ring within the week. There was no announcement to family until the ring was on my finger. Honestly, my community and family would absolutely ask "Where's your ring?" and you would get that over and over and over again. Guarranteed to get uncomfortable. That being said, I know plenty of people who didn't have the BIG DIAMOND. Engagement rings vary greatly here, from a simple Walmart ring to the huge diamonds (and you would get "oohs and ahhs" regardless), but I don't know anyone who didn't get a ring of some sort.

 

[luvmy3]

I agree with you. A woman should love him enough to agree to marry him without a ring, but he should love her enough to give the effort of presenting her with a ring even if he has to save and sacrifice to do it.

Then its pretty clear that the people the OP are talking about don't love eachother enough to get married. At least the bridezilla to be doesn't if it is in fact an engagement ring that is hidden in that jewelry box.

 

[Handbag Lady]

In planning our lives together, you better bet we had discussed finances! I knew how much he earned before he proposed. I knew what he paid for rent. I knew what his student loans were. I saw how he decided to spend his money, and his feelings about debt. And he knew the same about me. (And if you live together, you darned well better know this stuff!) And while we were shopping for rings, he said to the jeweler, "Show us something in this price range." That was a pretty big clue!

The number one issue that couples argue about is money. Maybe if more couples discussed these matters before getting engaged, there would be fewer arguments and fewer divorces. These are issues that are important, as are whether to have kids and how many, religion, how close you both are to your respective families, etc.

If you don't know these things, are you really ready to marry? Shouldn't you maybe just keep dating for a while?

I've been married 10 years and we don't argue about money. He has his and I have mine and we split the bills. It works so well for us, but I can see how it wouldn't work for others. We recently got our first joint checking account for our travel a few months ago.

 

[NewDCLGuy]

I might - might - be able to accept her wanting a ring so badly as to put off a wedding. But to base such a monumental decision on her parents and friends expecting one????? That boy needs to walk, excuse me, run away now!

Marrying somebody with that attitude can lead to nothing but trouble.

 

[JulielovesDisney]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting engaged without presenting a ring. Especially if the couple is younger and don't have enough money to afford a diamond ring. My older brother spend $9,000 on my sister-in-law's engagement ring. I think that is much more ridiculous than a man asking his girlfriend to marry him and not give her a ring, or give her a ring without diamonds.