Thoughts on Engagement Ring debate?

[ZephyrHawk]

I have a couple of friends who got "engaged" without a ring (just a promise of one to come), but I can tell you I did not consider it a real engagement until there actually was a ring on their finger. Does it have to be a super-expensive diamond ring? No, but there needs to be something. Rings are a clear signal to all interested males that the woman sporting one is off the market. You don't spring for the ring, your girl is still on the shelf and you should not feel offended if someone tries to steal your "girlfriend".

Just a note on my personal history, but DH was waaaay too poor to propose to me with a ring when he did. I was okay with that and was willing to wait for a proposal, but he borrowed from friends and scrounged up enough to get me a little ring, and I'm still very appreciative.

 

[RitaE]

yeah see - I'm again of the opinion that if the relationship is in need of some sort of mark or a ring to guarantee fidelity, they'd be better off not getting married.

So .... anybody here have a story like this?

Guy: "Honey, I love you so much and I'd like to spend the rest of my life with you and only you. Will you marry me?"

Girl" "Well I guess maybe. It really depends on whether or not you've bought me an engagement ring."
---
Because again, have a ring or don't have a ring. Have a fancy wedding and a Vera Wang dress and a $20,000 honeymoon, or not. If those are what you want and you can find a way to pay for them, that's great.

But to base the decision on whether or not to get married on that kind of stufff? Disaster.

 

[Curiouser&curiouser!]

I definitely would have married my DH without a ring.

However, have always liked the idea of a ring/token at the engagement. DH did get me a diamond, but if he didn't that would have been just fine. It wouldn't have even need to have a gemstone at all. I just liked having that token on my finger to remind me of that special time. A $5 silver plated ring from the mall kiosk is fine! Don't break the bank! Just a token to keep and remember the moment.

 

[Gigi22]

There are different expectations out there, some of which are/were generational. It depends what your generation's norms are concerning weddings. I know women who have been married for years who don't have either an engagement or a diamond ring. I know divorcees who steadfastly wear their ex-husband's diamond ring. I know women who have been widowed more than once and who wear all their deceased husbands' rings. I know a lady who has a perfectly beautiful engagement ring that she never wears because she is a field geologist and doesn't want to lose her ring in the dirt someplace. I don't believe a piece of jewelry matters more than the person who gave it to you.

 

[C.Ann]

I'm one of those rare women who do not care for diamonds at all - but even if I did, an engagement ring would not be a "deal breaker" for me.. I married my late DH because I loved him - not because I needed/wanted a piece of jewelry to show off..

Your friend sounds very shallow to me..

 

[Piglets Mommy]

I would want *A* ring....wouldn't have had to be an expensive, a $12 CZ will do, but I think I would have been disapointed if DH had proposed without ANY ring.

That being said, I know many people who say they wouldn't say yes unless it is at least a carat......all I can say is I hope the guy runs as fast as he can in that situation!

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I would want *A* ring....wouldn't have had to be an expensive, a $12 CZ will do, but I think I would have been disapointed if DH had proposed without ANY ring.

That being said, I know many people who say they wouldn't say yes unless it is at least a carat......all I can say is I hope the guy runs as fast as he can in that situation!

I think this is the truth. Most women would be disappointed if they didn't get *a* ring of some type if they're honest about it. Not "I need a Tiffany ring" or "I need 2 carats" type of women, but just the symbolic gesture of being on one knee with a ring, has some cultural value.

 

[mlenz]

I told my dh I did NOT want an engagemant ring and meant it, we had the money but we were together a long time and we both new we were going to get married anyways, plus why should I get something worth $$$$ and Dh get nothing lol ,we did however get very nice bands.

 

[FINFAN]

Well, since I said yes without a ring...I guess that is my answer. To be fair, we were on vacation and DH asked on BTMRR...I made him ask again in a calmer moment in the Swiss Family Tree House. A few days later we were at SeaWorld and had the Diving for a pearl done. My oyster had a larger size pearl in it and we had it set on a chain..that was my engagement "necklace" until DH did choose a diamond. It was 1/2 a year or more before he chose a stone and he asked me to select a setting...however I had no idea what the stone was other than round as he still wanted a surprise to it. The one day, he came over to my folks and he gave me the ring, it was pretty cool to have it involve us both, but the pearl is really just as prized/sentimental to me. To be fair to your friend tho, a lot of people, friends of mine, did not believe we were "technically engaged" until I had the traditional diamond on my ring finger, all but one of my best friends, who was getting married a few weeks ahead of me..they decided to design their own matching wedding bands and did not go the engagement ring route at all so that they would have identical rings. My DD, if she does decide to get married...has asked if she can have old gold from me and then from her future DH family, to melt down to make their wedding bands out of..I thought that was pretty cool.

 

[LuluLovesDisney]

I told my dh I did NOT want an engagemant ring and meant it, we had the money but we were together a long time and we both new we were going to get married anyways, plus why should I get something worth $$$$ and Dh get nothing lol ,we did however get very nice bands.

FWIW, I did buy my husband an engagement present a Canon SLR camera that he'd been wanting. I felt that if I got something, he should, too. Plus I had a great male friend in college that felt so strongly that the man should get an engagement gift from his fiance, too- he ingrained it into my brain, I think!

 

[a1tinkfans]

My soon-to-be-engaged (we think!) friend and I were having a friendly debate yesterday and I would love to know what the general DIS public thinks:

Like I said, we think my friend's DBF is about to propose-a couple of weeks ago she found a small bag from our local jewelery hidden in his gym bag. Prior to the discovery of the possible ring, for a couple of years now he's asked her if she would marry him if he didn't give her an engagement ring (they're both young like my DH and I and aren't making a ton of money- but they are able to support themselves). She's always said no.

I told her I was surprised by this as I would've married DH if he hadn't given me an engagement ring. She said that today giving the engagement ring is the "right thing to do" and it's "expected". She said she, her parents, and all her friends would be disappointed if she didn't get the diamond. She also said that no one would take them seriously if she didn't have the engagement ring..

Thoughts? Would people really not take them seriously without an engagement ring? Is giving an engagement ring the "correct thing to do"?

Just looking for some opinions and thoughts!

Just another example of the "engagement ring, party, dinner, wedding Broo Ha Ha" that seems more about status/show then what the "marriage" is really about, commitment, love, fidelity, compassion, caring, understanding and goals that (hopefully) both parties share. If they already are not on the same "page" about what the long term goal is....(what if the rings stone is too small for her liking?) Does that blow the "deal" too?
Marriage is work....work that can be enjoyed/shared between two partners that are in it for the long hall....theres ups and down and all arounds, LOL ...Yeah diamonds are great, but as a "requirement" to a marriage proposal, thats just silly IMHO. As far as "people will not take them serious with out a ring" thats sounds like justifying the "I want it/deserve it syndrome"
But if the lucky guy Wants to make her happy and gets that ring to just appease her, well, atleast he is open to her feelings (whether they are correct or not) What correct for "them" is what works for "Them" I suppose...
Best of Luck to Him, er...I mean them....
(and I happen to Love jewelry, diamonds included )

 

[LoriABil]

I think a ring is absolutely necessary. That said, a $3400 diamond, a $34 James Avery ring, or a $3 Cracker Jack ring would do. Just a symbol, but an important symbol of commitment!

 

[Toad_Passenger]

I often laugh a bit at the girls I know that are the "1 carat" or I say, "No" types. They have this belief that the ring is a sign that they are claimed, and without they are not engaged.

What if the tradition was that the guy gets to brand his woman? Would these women be so quick to NEED that branding?

Also, it's the 21st Century, women still want to wear something that shows they are, essentially, held by a man?

To each their own, but I don't think someone who doesn't want a ring is "less" engaged than someone sporting a boulder on their finger.

 

[tasha99]

I think it's up to a couple whether a ring (any ring) is necessary, but the idea that it has to be an expensive diamond just seems silly to me. I crack up at the "two month's salary" guideline that jewelers came up with. Who is that appropriate for? The poor, starting out couple that should be buying necessities instead? The well off couple that is going to put a dangerous amount into a ring that could just be an invitation to theft?

My own choice is super cheap ring for starting out, and as you get more financially sound, keep the ring under $1000. Actually, I would not want a natural diamond unless I could be sure of where it came from. I am unapolgetically non-pc---I don't even recycle half the time---but even I know what a "blood diamond" is. (If I ever get married again, I want a custom made mood ring--it just seems like it would be more fun).

 

[Handbag Lady]

I would want *A* ring....wouldn't have had to be an expensive, a $12 CZ will do, but I think I would have been disapointed if DH had proposed without ANY ring.

That being said, I know many people who say they wouldn't say yes unless it is at least a carat......all I can say is I hope the guy runs as fast as he can in that situation!

My husband and I worked with a gal who said she'd refuse all offers unless it was a certain type of engagement ring from Tiffany above a certain price.

We just rolled our eyes. Who would want to marry that? She's bascially saying that if you're not rich, she won't fall in love!

 

[NotUrsula]

I really don't get the whole concept of refusing to believe that it's a "real" engagement if there is no ring -- particularly if you're family. If a couple is busily touring reception halls and putting down deposits for flowers and a church, how on earth do you manage to doubt that there is an actual wedding in the works?

My parents were blue-collar immigrants, and in their background engagement rings with stones were unheard of -- no one of their acquaintance could afford something like that. Just managing to afford ONE gold band for the wife was an achievement, and a husband wearing a ring was very unusual. My mother never had anything other than her plain gold band, and my father never had a ring on his hand in his lifetime (in his line of work it would have been dangerous.) My older sister never had an engagement ring, either; just her wedding band. With these examples I never expected a ring.

 

[jemmouse]

If she 'needs' a ring, especially a diamond, to make her love for the guy official, then I think she needs to reexamine if she really loves her BF or if she is just in love with the idea of the ring and the wedding. One of the happiest couples I know got married at the courthouse with the proverbial soda can ring. Later, they did get simple gold rings, but their love for each other shines way more brightly than any diamond ever could.

Is she marrying the ring or marrying her BF?

I have to agree with then above that she sounds very immature.

And if I were the boyfriend, I would be re-thinking marriage to somebody that puts so much value on material things rather than what they have together. She is going to be one expensive wife.

SHe is YOUNG and immature and she will learn from her mistakes, but who are you to say she will be an expensive wife???

Due to her age that might just be the very reason she is wanting a ring and also due to her age that when she would get the ring she would want to show it off to her friends......

Perhaps if she were older the ring wouldnt matter it would be about the relationship, but on the flipside if he can't afford even the smallest of rings and I am talking a $100.00 ring then how on earth can they afford to be married...
Once again it is the age. And I also agree there are some very responsible young adults out there, but this is just a learning experience....

I wish the young couple good luck not hoping the boyfriend will dump her or coming to a conclusion that she will be expensive..

 

[rabyoga]

I didn't get an engagement ring and I still married my hubby. And we're still happily married after 22 yrs. We were married young (21 and 23 yrs.) and didn't have alot of money. Frankily, I didn't expect or want a ring. For years I didn't have a wedding ring either (the bands we got for our ceremony were cheap and didn't fit-too big). My hubby did get us wedding bands when he was deployed in Iraq-they only cost $60 but I love em! I don't think a ring makes or breaks a marriage.

 

[dimimi]

I think a ring is absolutely necessary. That said, a $3400 diamond, a $34 James Avery ring, or a $3 Cracker Jack ring would do. Just a symbol, but an important symbol of commitment!

I like the idea of a ring too. Now....after 18 plus years I wish we spent LESS on the ring! I had to have my good engagement ring resized and didn't get around to doing it...we talked about getting a new setting. So in the meanwhile I bought $10 to $20 costume wedding bands. I couldn't believe the compliments!

If I were your friend, I would be happy with a nice "fake" diamond. Enjoy her engagement and someday, when money is plentiful, she can get a "real" ring.

Many people get caught up on the perfect diamond, heck on your finger, it just needs to look good!

 

[Mrs. Charming]

We got my ring a few weeks before the wedding. (He didn't 'propose', we discussed it months and months earlier.) Don't get me wrong, I like it, but I think the money could have better spent on something else. We've been married 4 years, and in those 4 years, I've had fat swollen pregnant fingers twice... so it really doesnt get a lot of use.

To each her own, but I think that a woman who is demanding a certain carat weight 'or else' is setting herself up for an unhappy marriage or a divorce. *NOT in all cases of course*