The trip is off

[okeydokey]

So you and your husband don't give the kids allowance to use at your house. Your DH may not "offer" any spending money to your kids while at your house. You don't want to give them money for the pool, ice cream etc while at your house. So the kids bring money they got from their Mom's house so they will have some money at your house. You get mad at them for spending the money they brought? That's all kinds of messed up.

 

[kevschickee]

So you and your husband don't give the kids allowance to use at your house. Your DH may not "offer" any spending money to your kids while at your house. You don't want to give them money for the pool, ice cream etc while at your house. So the kids bring money they got from their Mom's house so they will have some money at your house. You get mad at them for spending the money they brought? That's all kinds of messed up.

yup looks pretty messed up to me to

 

[SereneOne]

How sad...


If you listen to only one thing, please listen to this: Think of how you would want your child to be treated if they where a bonus child and they had a bonus mom, then act accordingly. Children are gifts and yes, sometimes they can seem like the exact opposite, however, we are the adults and they are the children. I was a custodial bonusmom for fifteen years (they are all grown now, so yes they are still my bonus children, but I mean that I no longer raise them), so I do know what I am talking about.

I also think that you may be projecting your anger over you and your DH's financial issues on to these children. They did not make you marry their dad and they are not at fault anymore than your own biological child. It is up to you and your DH to straighten out your financial issues and not take it out on the children.

 

[la79al]

Okay, first of all, if my DD were not free, she would not be going along on the trip my sister is paying to take me on for my birthday. If my stepkids were free (and not in school at the time) they would be more than welcome to join us. Yes, DD is saving up money for DW but we will probably end up buying any souvenirs she may need, just like we did for the stepkids on their first trip.
I did not tell DSS that he could not go swimming. The swimming is only 1 night a week and he will only be able to do one this whole summer anyhow because of his football schedule. The issue was that he said oh I can't bring 75 cents up here because my mom will hear it in my pocket but I can bring $5 cause she won't hear that. We get conflicting stories on where the money comes from that they suddenly appear with. One minute it was given to them, the next minute they just miraculously found it in their pocket. I don't expect their mother to send spending money. I just figured that since DSS won over $300 he might want to contribute some of that to DW. And DSD was able to go through her $5 when we did not even leave the house. I didn't feel like it was my place to tell her that she could not spend the money she got from who knows where but within 24 hours it was gone and she was asking us for money to go swimming.
I really think that DH only cancelled the trip so I would stop stressing over the money crap. I have a feeling come August when we can actually book, it will be back on. I was not trying to tattle on the children, I was hoping that DH would be able to come up with some solution (not this one though).

HERE IS THE PLAN though-- I am sitting down with the kids tonight to discuss it, so feel free to help me tweak it. I am going to give each kiddo (well, except DD) some money tonight. Their money to do with what they want. Then I am going to have a list of their 'chore for the day'. This will be things they are supposed to do anyhow like put their clean clothes away or maybe things like run the vacuum in the living room. If they manage to do that chore sometime before 8 pm or so, I will give them money for that day. Half of the money goes into an empty water bottle that now has the lid super glued on. The other half is theirs to do with what they want. It will work better for us to distribute money on a daily basis because we have a somewhat crazy schedule this summer. The money in the jar may indeed end up going to DW (cause I was just on the phone with DH for 30 minutes and I think we are now on the same page regarding the kids and money) or it will go into their savings accounts. Their spending money can go toward swimming or carnivals or stopping for icees on the way home from the playground because they don't like the drinks and snacks that we take along. I just went to the grocery store and got them each a 2 liter bottle of soda and a bag of their favorite candy and a huge container of chocolate ice cream. Hopefully this will let them cut back on their spending at the ice cream stand. I also set up a page that looks similar to a check book balance sheet so the kids can track exactly where their money goes (and we can make sure they get paid when they are supposed to). DSD got new boundaries set last night so she no longer has free reign to go to the ice cream stand without asking.
Even if they didn't have spending money or even if they end up spending all of their money by day 2, they are not going to be stuck on the front porch all summer (though they might prefer that, I think there are about 20 kids in our neighborhood that they play with regularly). Last summer kind of sucked because DD was so little and then the AC in my car died beyond repair about a week before school ended. I have a lot of things planned for this summer that are either free or pretty cheap (that I will be paying for) so spending money or not, we will be pretty busy.

 

[TheZue]

So you and your husband don't give the kids allowance to use at your house. Your DH may not "offer" any spending money to your kids while at your house. You don't want to give them money for the pool, ice cream etc while at your house. So the kids bring money they got from their Mom's house so they will have some money at your house. You get mad at them for spending the money they brought? That's all kinds of messed up.

I agree. They clearly have savings accounts since that's where they got their money. What are they expected to pay for on this trip?? Unless it's food who CARES if they are saving. If they don't save they don't get souveniers.

You guys honestly need to grow up, there are a TON of things I'd rather have than some of the things I buy for my kids but that's what being a parent is. It's not whining that they spent some of THEIR OWN money on something reasonable then refusing to do something nice with them. My kids have amazing wardrobes, I have a terrible one...not once have I seen their wants as some sort of selfish nose snubbing at my sacrifices for them to be able to go to school in decent clothing.

Oh and if $5, which won't even buy a kids meal, is the make or break it point for Disneyworld maybe you shouldn't be going at all until your finances are organized. You can say it's the just the thought behind it, but I guarantee if she blew through a penny over the weekend, or spent a dime on ice cream you wouldn't be having this problem with her lack of thoughtfullness towards Disneyland. If you are looking at paying to go to Disneyworld with four people five dollars and a penny are both about equally significant to the overall trip.

As for not handing over her money, if they were my kids going to their dads there is no way I'd be letting them shuffle money from one savings account they have control over to another who would be controlled by somebody not willing to give them spending money. Something just stinks there.

 

[kevschickee]

Okay, first of all, if my DD were not free, she would not be going along on the trip my sister is paying to take me on for my birthday. If my stepkids were free (and not in school at the time) they would be more than welcome to join us. Yes, DD is saving up money for DW but we will probably end up buying any souvenirs she may need, just like we did for the stepkids on their first trip.
I did not tell DSS that he could not go swimming. The swimming is only 1 night a week and he will only be able to do one this whole summer anyhow because of his football schedule. The issue was that he said oh I can't bring 75 cents up here because my mom will hear it in my pocket but I can bring $5 cause she won't hear that. We get conflicting stories on where the money comes from that they suddenly appear with. One minute it was given to them, the next minute they just miraculously found it in their pocket. I don't expect their mother to send spending money. I just figured that since DSS won over $300 he might want to contribute some of that to DW. And DSD was able to go through her $5 when we did not even leave the house. I didn't feel like it was my place to tell her that she could not spend the money she got from who knows where but within 24 hours it was gone and she was asking us for money to go swimming.
I really think that DH only cancelled the trip so I would stop stressing over the money crap. I have a feeling come August when we can actually book, it will be back on. I was not trying to tattle on the children, I was hoping that DH would be able to come up with some solution (not this one though).

HERE IS THE PLAN though-- I am sitting down with the kids tonight to discuss it, so feel free to help me tweak it. I am going to give each kiddo (well, except DD) some money tonight. Their money to do with what they want. Then I am going to have a list of their 'chore for the day'. This will be things they are supposed to do anyhow like put their clean clothes away or maybe things like run the vacuum in the living room. If they manage to do that chore sometime before 8 pm or so, I will give them money for that day. Half of the money goes into an empty water bottle that now has the lid super glued on. The other half is theirs to do with what they want. It will work better for us to distribute money on a daily basis because we have a somewhat crazy schedule this summer. The money in the jar may indeed end up going to DW (cause I was just on the phone with DH for 30 minutes and I think we are now on the same page regarding the kids and money) or it will go into their savings accounts. Their spending money can go toward swimming or carnivals or stopping for icees on the way home from the playground because they don't like the drinks and snacks that we take along. I just went to the grocery store and got them each a 2 liter bottle of soda and a bag of their favorite candy and a huge container of chocolate ice cream. Hopefully this will let them cut back on their spending at the ice cream stand. I also set up a page that looks similar to a check book balance sheet so the kids can track exactly where their money goes (and we can make sure they get paid when they are supposed to). DSD got new boundaries set last night so she no longer has free reign to go to the ice cream stand without asking.
Even if they didn't have spending money or even if they end up spending all of their money by day 2, they are not going to be stuck on the front porch all summer (though they might prefer that, I think there are about 20 kids in our neighborhood that they play with regularly). Last summer kind of sucked because DD was so little and then the AC in my car died beyond repair about a week before school ended. I have a lot of things planned for this summer that are either free or pretty cheap (that I will be paying for) so spending money or not, we will be pretty busy.

I would never expect a child to contribute to a family vacation. The baby maybe free but the kids won't care that she is free. THey will only care that she is going and they aren't. I guess I am different than you and I couldn't do that to kids

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I think you and DH need to get on the same page. I think you have more going on than just this trip. I also do not agree with the way you treat your stepkids. I don't care if the kid won the lottery. That doesn't mean they should have to contribute to a family vacation. They are children. Good luck.

 

[NJBILL]

Okay, first of all, if my DD were not free, she would not be going along on the trip my sister is paying to take me on for my birthday. If my stepkids were free (and not in school at the time) they would be more than welcome to join us. Yes, DD is saving up money for DW but we will probably end up buying any souvenirs she may need, just like we did for the stepkids on their first trip.
I did not tell DSS that he could not go swimming. The swimming is only 1 night a week and he will only be able to do one this whole summer anyhow because of his football schedule. The issue was that he said oh I can't bring 75 cents up here because my mom will hear it in my pocket but I can bring $5 cause she won't hear that. We get conflicting stories on where the money comes from that they suddenly appear with. One minute it was given to them, the next minute they just miraculously found it in their pocket. I don't expect their mother to send spending money. I just figured that since DSS won over $300 he might want to contribute some of that to DW. And DSD was able to go through her $5 when we did not even leave the house. I didn't feel like it was my place to tell her that she could not spend the money she got from who knows where but within 24 hours it was gone and she was asking us for money to go swimming.
I really think that DH only cancelled the trip so I would stop stressing over the money crap. I have a feeling come August when we can actually book, it will be back on. I was not trying to tattle on the children, I was hoping that DH would be able to come up with some solution (not this one though).

HERE IS THE PLAN though-- I am sitting down with the kids tonight to discuss it, so feel free to help me tweak it. I am going to give each kiddo (well, except DD) some money tonight. Their money to do with what they want. Then I am going to have a list of their 'chore for the day'. This will be things they are supposed to do anyhow like put their clean clothes away or maybe things like run the vacuum in the living room. If they manage to do that chore sometime before 8 pm or so, I will give them money for that day. Half of the money goes into an empty water bottle that now has the lid super glued on. The other half is theirs to do with what they want. It will work better for us to distribute money on a daily basis because we have a somewhat crazy schedule this summer. The money in the jar may indeed end up going to DW (cause I was just on the phone with DH for 30 minutes and I think we are now on the same page regarding the kids and money) or it will go into their savings accounts. Their spending money can go toward swimming or carnivals or stopping for icees on the way home from the playground because they don't like the drinks and snacks that we take along. I just went to the grocery store and got them each a 2 liter bottle of soda and a bag of their favorite candy and a huge container of chocolate ice cream. Hopefully this will let them cut back on their spending at the ice cream stand. I also set up a page that looks similar to a check book balance sheet so the kids can track exactly where their money goes (and we can make sure they get paid when they are supposed to). DSD got new boundaries set last night so she no longer has free reign to go to the ice cream stand without asking.
Even if they didn't have spending money or even if they end up spending all of their money by day 2, they are not going to be stuck on the front porch all summer (though they might prefer that, I think there are about 20 kids in our neighborhood that they play with regularly). Last summer kind of sucked because DD was so little and then the AC in my car died beyond repair about a week before school ended. I have a lot of things planned for this summer that are either free or pretty cheap (that I will be paying for) so spending money or not, we will be pretty busy.

Your plan has some positive points,however I think you have missed one HUGE element,and it is that you are dealing with kids and not adults. The things you are propsing sound logical to you but it is because you are an adult. You can buy every ice cream in the supermarket, and kids will still want to get it at the ice cream stand. Kids have no real concept of time, as was stated a year is a lifetime in their world. I think you are right, that your husband is "tired of listening to you", so as a man, he chose to stop the problem at the source and chose not to work through the real issues. My suggestion (i have 4 kids.. for this purpose I will point out that 1 is a step child, but I always have said from the first day that I have 4 children, not 3 children and one step child) is to plan your vacation at a value resort, take all of your kids and step kids,and make the best of what you have. I read on these boards all the time where people bring food from home and do laundry ,but they are at Disney enjoying themselves and NOT worrying about money. We have been fortunate enough to go on several nice vactions, and I do not expect my kids to "pay" for vaction but i do tell them if they want anything "extra", they should save a few dollars, and they usually do on their own. You also have some unresolved family dynamics at play here,that have nothing to do with WDW.
My 14 yr old son is over 6 feet tall and wears a size 15 shoe,he looks big....but he is "still just a kid", and kids cannot and do not think logically like adults. I think if you leave the planning and the decision making to you and your husband, pay for whatever you can afford comfortably without it be supplemented from your kids..you can make this work. Trying to convince your kids to "sacrifice" is admirable, but a bit misguided and unrealistic. For the kids and your families sake, I hope you work this and any other issues out. Good Luck.

 

[TwistofLemon]

This whole thing is just unbelievable.

OP, I think your problems are too numerous and too large to be solved on a message board.



And, just a thought, but maybe the steps don't even WANT to go to WDW?? I mean, everyone does not love WDW. (present company excluded, of course)
Maybe they'd rather go to the beach or camping or who knows where.

 

[MariDisney]

I aplogize if this posts twice, my computer just did something odd.

Anway, I think it's great that you're going to set some ground rules with the kids. However, I think this talk is like putting a band aid on a gaping wound. It sounds like your family has some serious issues that go far beyond souveniers at Disney.

My DD is about to gain a step mother and step siblings. If things were going down the way they are in your situation I'd insist that the whole lot of us get into some counseling.

 

[mjkacmom]

I would never expect a child to contribute to a family vacation. The baby maybe free but the kids won't care that she is free. THey will only care that she is going and they aren't. I guess I am different than you and I couldn't do that to kids

That sentence totally jumped out at me, too. I think the OP wants them to save $ to help pay for the trip!

 

[hentob]

. The issue was that he said oh I can't bring 75 cents up here because my mom will hear it in my pocket but I can bring $5 cause she won't hear that. We get conflicting stories on where the money comes from that they suddenly appear with. One minute it was given to them, the next minute they just miraculously found it in their pocket. .

Um, maybe they are terrified to let any of you “adults” know they have money, because you WANT them to use it to fund a vacation. A vacation that your DH CANCELLED because they spent $5

I just figured that since DSS won over $300 he might want to contribute some of that to DW.

There ya go! How old is he? 12? I can see telling him “Hey, save for souvenir”, and if he doesn’t have the souvenir money, oh well…no crappy toys/t-shirts for him. But to expect him to fund a vacation Don’t you see why he is hiding money from you guys

I really think that DH only cancelled the trip so I would stop stressing over the money crap..

But yet he blamed it on the kids? Wow. Mental abuse. Great guy!


Time to grow up. You all need help. You will continue to treat these kids like this and they will think it is normal and then treat their future children like they were treated. Not a great legacy to pass on

 

[crisi]

So, OP, is this still working for you? We are on thread three....

I suggest you find a therapist.

 

[hentob]

OP—Can I ask you something?

When you read page after page of posts telling you that you and your DH are WRONG, do you even take it into consideration?

Do you stop and think “Hey. We are pretty messed up here”?

Do you think what you are doing is right?

Is everyone else wrong?

I always wondered what goes through a person’s mind when 99% of the people on a thread tell them what they are doing is wrong or not normal or cruel or mentally abusive

 

[hentob]

Oh and if $5, which won't even buy a kids meal, is the make or break it point for Disneyworld maybe you shouldn't be going at all until your finances are organized. .

 

[pixie921]

I want to know how OP's dd, who is only a baby, is "saving up" for the trip.

Yes, DD is saving up money for DW but we will probably end up buying any souvenirs she may need, just like we did for the stepkids on their first trip

 

[Mouse House Mama]

I want to know how OP's dd, who is only a baby, is "saving up" for the trip.

I too was wondering the same thing.

 

[design_mom]

Am I reading correctly that the trip was never officially scheduled in the first place? The OP said "We were supposed to go to DW sometime next spring/summer. Tonight DH officially called the trip off."

My DS(8) is a pretty good saver, but it would be tough for him to save for something that may happen at some undetermined point in the future. If the trip isn't even scheduled, it probably doesn't even seem real to DSS/DSD yet. (And, regardless, it was really low to cancel the trip "because of" the kids.)

I also think that you either need to pay for activities that your DSS/DDD do at your house (and say yes/no on a case by case basis), or give them some spending money for the week.

My DS recently saved up for a Nintendo DS. (He actually had one and broke it, so we said he had to save the money himself if he wanted another.) We created a chore list that he had to complete within the week (set the table, empty wastebaskets, etc.). At the end of the week, he earned $5. At that time, he was able to decide how much of the $5 he wanted to put into his piggy bank, versus how much he wanted to save toward his DS. The "DS fund" was charted on a thermometer-style counter that was on the refrigerator door. If he wanted to save $4 that week, we colored in 4 spaces. If he only wanted to save $1, we colored in $1. Whatever he chose not save was paid in cash and went into his piggy bank. He did not have access to the "DS Fund" until he had reached the top of the thermometer. Once he'd reached the top, we gave him the entire amount in cash and took him to the store to purchase his new machine. He earned his machine a few months ago, and recently asked if we could set up a similar system for another "big ticket" item he's interested in.

If the trip is back on, maybe something like that would work with your DSS/DSD. Give them an allowance and ask how much they want to save for spending money at WDW. Keep a chart so they know how much money they're saving (or not saving), but don't give them the cash until you're ready to leave. If they decide one week, that they'd rather blow their allowance on junk (or make an extra trip to the ice cream stand) then, that's their choice, too.

When we go to WDW, we give each of the kids a small budget (around $25) so they can get a souvenir, but anything over and above

 

[dipin]

to me this sounds like money is tight in your home, to the point where who pays for which of the minor things the stepkids want has become an issue. But instead of you, your husband and his ex-wife talking about this like adults, you are fighting this battle through the kids, and then blaming them for it.

You, the ex wife and the husband keep pushing and sending contradictory messages about what they are to do with the money they got at their mom's house, and when they don't comply with one of the sides, they bear the brunt of the blame and of the punishment.

You can't expect kids to be the mature ones in this situation, especially when it is absolutely clear that none of the adults are being mature about it. And you can't then punish them when they can't solve the dilemmas that you, your husband and his ex-wife have put them in.

I feel really sorry for them, and am amazed by the pettiness displayed by all grown ups in this situation. What each parent is supposed to pay for, and what the kids are allowed to do with the money each parent gives them, is supposed to be determined by the grown ups. And blaming them and telling them they are not going to disney because they didnt come up with a solution all by themselves is just really unfair.

 

[shirleyb]

Yup. And she knows her husband is quite mental when it comes to money, so she actually tried to get those poor kids in trouble

I agree. I'm quite disgusted by the OP and her DH. They're upset by the kids spending money that they didn't even give them.

I know I suggested to my kids (when they were about the same age) that they might want to rethink their spending or they weren't going to have souvenier money, but certainly wouldn't cancel a trip for it and certainly not a year away.