The trip is off

[aspcamhreditor2]

Although I only scrolled through all the posts, I do see some good points. Obviously there ARE some issues in this entire scenario to be concerned about.

However, I wanted to make a couple of positive comments to the OP...

First, some increditly catty things have been directed toward you and I am impressed that you have not always fired back in like manner. Good for you. I think it's great that you are taking some of this as constructive criticism.

Second, I applaud you for taken some of what was said and created a plan.

On a personal note: My husband and I have separate accounts and a joint account. We do not delve into each other's spending on our personal hobbies (golf for DH ... showing horses for me). However, we are reasonable about "sharing" the money needed to cover our "joint" efforts like home, kids, etc. I don't find it unreasonable that OP would have a separate account.

Also on a personal note ... after reading all of these posts, I am INCREDIBLY proud of my just-turned-7 DD and my nearly 10 DD. Each gets an allowance each week. The weekly amount is divided and a specifi percent must go into each of three categories --- an amount for charity/giving, an amount for savings and an amount for spending. The girls can make the choice to put their "savings" amount into their own savings or into our specially decorated "Disney" savings box. Sometimes, they will ask if they can put some of their SPENDING money into the Disney savings box! I will certainly not tell them "no" and am proud that they think of doing that. Of note, their "spending money" is for all the ancillaries ... if we had an ice cream stand and they wanted to go there instead of eat the popsicles & ice cream in the freezer, they would use their own money.

Although I intend to give them spending & souvinir money for our WDW trip out of that savings box, they THINK they are HELPING save for the costs of the actual trip ... they like to research ticket costs, airfare, etc. I personally am thrilled that they are learning some financial responsibility so young while still having some of their own money to "blow" as kids will.

I will gladly take their contributions to the trip fund ... together they boosted our monthly total by about $20. They are proud of their contributions. Do we--- their parents --- think they should pay their own way? Absolutely not. But, I am THRILLED that they want to contribute.

Good luck to the OP. I grew up in a family where money issues were much like you described in our family. I hope you have lessons from your own experience that will shape how you teach the next generation.

 

[retired and happy]

I do not think it is unreasonable to ask children to save for some special things even though the trip is a year away.
We are facing the same things with 1 of our granddaughters. Her mom and step dad told them we are paying for their trip, food and tickets but if they want to ride the cars, etc. that cost money, they have to save for it.
One of them has already saved more than $75 for a trip in November. The almost 14 year old has $5 because she spends money as soon as she gets it. When she was told she might be standing on the sideline while her sister does some extra things, she thinks I (Grandma) will come through and hand her the amount she needs. As hard as it is, I am backing her parents and will NOT be handing out the money this year. She needs to learn the value of a $
now. I do not think it hurts to teach children that vacations, souvenirs, etc. cost money. Our 3 children
still at home are adopted and have special needs, handicapped, medical conditions and are all in wheel chairs. They do not understand money but they also never ask for anything nor do they want anything. Our grown children and grandchildren travel with us and help push wheel chairs, give meds, change diapers, etc. so we
pay for their room and board and park tickets. As hard as it will be this year for me not to give the older GD money
so she can do what the younger ones does (because she saved all year) I will help her parents teach her. I bet next year she will have some saved too.

Hopefully your DH will not really cancel the trip if all of you work together to make the trip a lot of fun.

Judy, Ken and the Angels

 

[GOOFY4DONALD]

I have glanced through most of the posts. FLAME SUIT ON ...just in case.

First off I do commend the OP for trying to make everyone happy. She seems like a peacemaker that is just trying to make DH happy. Sorry OP but your DH seems like a man that has control issues. Seems like the problems are less about money and more about control (money is the best way to control someone). I could never live in a house and be an adult and "wait" for the other adult to announce if we were going or not (control). These decisions are and should be decided with both adults in agreement. Even if there are horrible circumstances, job loss for example, one adult should not announce that the trip is off. Most adults would talk with the other and say this trip should not happen and they both agree.

As far as the kids go I have an 8 year old, she just turned 9 last week. She knows when we are going to WDW...she even knows what souvies and snacks she wants. But when she got some birthday money she was chomping at the bit to go buy something. I told her the more she spends now the less she will take with her. She still spend a lot but saved a bit as well. OP, I really do not think the problems lie with the kids spending money. I know that you believe it does but it doesn't. If the kids saved every cent your DH would find another reason to call off the trip. Or if he does want to go he seems to be enjoying leaving you in suspense...treating you like a child.

 

[Loritlc3]

I am planning our first ever trip this July for my 7 and 5 year old. We have a big crayon bank that we put all my change into that I will split between the kids for spending money.

Since neither of my kids has ever been to Disney they really didn't get real excited about it or interested in saving money for souvenirs. My son spends every penny he gets on Pokemon cards.

I used a Design for Disney money from the DisDesign boards and laminated them. Both of the kids are very eager to earn this Disney money that I will exchange for real money during our trip. At their ages though I pay for every extra and their money is only spent on toys,etc... which we really could cut down on.

I read through all of these posts and I am really concerned for this family. I noticed that in some of the previous posts there was a lot of concern over money. Please forgive me for saying this but there are people that stay home with their kids and don't go on big vacations.

I am concerned about a previous post in which OP states "(DH is paying for it and all I see is 4 more months I could be staying home). She and her DD are going on a free trip so sabotaging this trip could possibly work to her benefit.
I can't imagine someone paying for me to go to Disney and then not being able to afford something my family really needed.

 

[aspcamhreditor2]

In follow up to my last post, I wonder how any of you would deal w/ the opposite problem. This a.m. I opened our Disney savings box to prepare a deposit. I check it periodically because we don't like to have too much cash in there .... just in case. Since we can get "into" the box, it could be tempting to take cash our for some minor emergency.

So... I knew how much was in there when I last checked it and I also knew how much I put in there since that time. Imagine my surprise when the total was more than $20 higher that I expected!

Seems my nine-soon-to-be 10 yr. old had added more money from her spending. When I cautioned her about this ... I reminded her that we have a lot of "fun" activities like fairs and carnivals and site-seeing this summer so she didn't need to contribute toooooo much of her own money.

Her answer?

"I know, Mom, but I really, really, really want to go to Disney"

Seems she heard a news story that airline tickets might be going up because fuel prices are rising again.

Apparently, I need to make sure my kids never hear the news. This child isn't worried about her spending money. She's working hard to make sure she even gets to go.

So ... wondering how some of you would deal with this surprising turn of events ... especially would like advice from those who are leary of a child contributing toward a vacation.

 

[rie'smom]

So ... wondering how some of you would deal with this surprising turn of events ... especially would like advice from those who are leary of a child contributing toward a vacation.

A child contributing towards a vacation fund because she wants to is totally different from a dad saying no trip because his kids buy ice cream and go swimming. The dad in the OP does not want to go and is being a jerk.

 

[micheleq]

I might totally get flamed for this, but the OP has another thread about she and her sister taking her baby daughter to Disney this December?

I'm not against her taking a trip without her DH or stepkids, but I don't feel too bad that this 2010 trip may not be happening for the OP. I do feel bad for the stepkids that seemed to be getting jerked around...

 

[braydensmom]

So ... wondering how some of you would deal with this surprising turn of events ... especially would like advice from those who are leary of a child contributing toward a vacation.

OMG, that is too sweet! I would probably honestly either give her the money back and tell her that Mom and Dad will take care of the trip, and that she doesnt have to be worried, or tell her that I will hold onto the money for her to get a special treat when we are there?!?

Thats one sweet girl you have!

 

[sk!mom]

In follow up to my last post, I wonder how any of you would deal w/ the opposite problem. This a.m. I opened our Disney savings box to prepare a deposit. I check it periodically because we don't like to have too much cash in there .... just in case. Since we can get "into" the box, it could be tempting to take cash our for some minor emergency.

So... I knew how much was in there when I last checked it and I also knew how much I put in there since that time. Imagine my surprise when the total was more than $20 higher that I expected!

Seems my nine-soon-to-be 10 yr. old had added more money from her spending. When I cautioned her about this ... I reminded her that we have a lot of "fun" activities like fairs and carnivals and site-seeing this summer so she didn't need to contribute toooooo much of her own money.

Her answer?

"I know, Mom, but I really, really, really want to go to Disney"

Seems she heard a news story that airline tickets might be going up because fuel prices are rising again.

Apparently, I need to make sure my kids never hear the news. This child isn't worried about her spending money. She's working hard to make sure she even gets to go.

So ... wondering how some of you would deal with this surprising turn of events ... especially would like advice from those who are leary of a child contributing toward a vacation.

On the one hand, I think that it is fine for a child to contribute to a family vacation. On the other hand, it's a red flag to me that your 9 year old is worrying about money. I grew up worrying about family finances and it really wasn't healthy. I was a stressed little kid. I still have issues about spending money- the positive is that we are debt free because I want to feel secure but the negative is I still worry at times when I really don't need to.

 

[lanasboys]

Ok. I have read through this thread kind of hurriedly. And, yes, I think the OP made some serious mistakes in handling the entire situation. Something about the tone of her posts makes me think, like others, that there are some major underlying issues here. The OP seems very stressed and overwhelmed, and a little sad. But, I've also seen some posts here saying that it's awful for kids to contribute to a family vacation, that it should just be given to them. And I disagree. My boys (6 and 13) have every gadget, trinket and toy imaginable, yet they have doting grandparents (3 sets) who are constantly giving them more stuff, money, etc. And, I must admit, DH and I try to make sure they have everything they want, too, within reason. Probably comes from my having grown up with basically nothing. BUT, after Christmas this year, after they had gotten presents and went on numerous shopping sprees, they each had several hundred dollars left (DS6 has a b-day close to Christmas, and DS13 has a part-time job at our local parks and rec. coaching handicapped kids in soccer and t-ball, plus they both get a $5/wk allowance and can earn extra for extra chores). So, after explaining to them that money was a bit tighter this year and discussing vacation options with them, we told them that they could contribute some to the family vacation and we would do WDW, or we could go somewhere closer to home and a bit less expensive. Both agreed to save and contribute to WDW. So, they wound up each buying their own MNSSHP ticket, giving $100 to me to put away for each of them for extra souvenirs, snacks, etc., and simply being careful about their spending. Even DS6 understands and remembers when we go to a store that, if he buys a $10 toy, that's $10 less he'll have when he gets to Disney. DH and I are paying for resort, Park Hopper passes, (we are going during free dining), travel expenses, a refill mug for everyone, and character autograph books for each boy. Anything else they have to save for. I think it teaches them responsibility.

 

[aspcamhreditor2]

to lanasboys....

Glad to see your post. Seems like a healthy & reasonable way of having the kids "contribute."

I've been back through the OPs posts and I agree there are various concerns.
I do not see this as black & white as some posters here and do think some of the knee-jerk cancellation reaction stemmed from OPs money concerns and isn't completely just about the husband. That is totally my opinion.

I wish the OP the best of luck and again pat the OP on the back for her positive reactions and plans as a result of many of the posts here. Think she was working her way through to find a reasonable plan given what she was faced with.

 

[crisi]

On the one hand, I think that it is fine for a child to contribute to a family vacation. On the other hand, it's a red flag to me that your 9 year old is worrying about money. I grew up worrying about family finances and it really wasn't healthy. I was a stressed little kid. I still have issues about spending money- the positive is that we are debt free because I want to feel secure but the negative is I still worry at times when I really don't need to.

I happen to think a little stressing about family finances is healthy. The people I know who never stressed about money because Mom and Dad hid the dirty details from them are the ones in the worst shape financially - while those that regularly heard "no, we can't afford that" grew up understanding the relationship between having money and spending money.

aspcamhreditor2 - are your kids suppose to be contributing to the change jar for the trip? Maybe have them start their own jars - that way if she needs to get into it this summer she can make those decisions for herself - but it remains "her" money, for spending at the carnival - and if at the end of the summer she wants to contribute her money to something special at Disney, she can do that.

 

[sk!mom]

I happen to think a little stressing about family finances is healthy. The people I know who never stressed about money because Mom and Dad hid the dirty details from them are the ones in the worst shape financially - while those that regularly heard "no, we can't afford that" grew up understanding the relationship between having money and spending money.

aspcamhreditor2 - are your kids suppose to be contributing to the change jar for the trip? Maybe have them start their own jars - that way if she needs to get into it this summer she can make those decisions for herself - but it remains "her" money, for spending at the carnival - and if at the end of the summer she wants to contribute her money to something special at Disney, she can do that.

To me there's a difference in teaching your child to be responsible with money - making sure that they understand that "you can only spend it once" as we say in our house and having a child worry that the family isn't ok financially. When my DD11 (at the time) had the chance to take a theater study trip to NYC for Spring Brek, we sat down with her and helped her come up with a plan to save her own spending money while we paid for the trip. My children have known the disappointment in spending your money and then regretting the purchase and wishing you still had the money.

 

[badblackpug]

I have glanced through most of the posts. FLAME SUIT ON ...just in case.

First off I do commend the OP for trying to make everyone happy. She seems like a peacemaker that is just trying to make DH happy. Sorry OP but your DH seems like a man that has control issues. Seems like the problems are less about money and more about control (money is the best way to control someone). I could never live in a house and be an adult and "wait" for the other adult to announce if we were going or not (control). These decisions are and should be decided with both adults in agreement. Even if there are horrible circumstances, job loss for example, one adult should not announce that the trip is off. Most adults would talk with the other and say this trip should not happen and they both agree.

As far as the kids go I have an 8 year old, she just turned 9 last week. She knows when we are going to WDW...she even knows what souvies and snacks she wants. But when she got some birthday money she was chomping at the bit to go buy something. I told her the more she spends now the less she will take with her. She still spend a lot but saved a bit as well. OP, I really do not think the problems lie with the kids spending money. I know that you believe it does but it doesn't. If the kids saved every cent your DH would find another reason to call off the trip. Or if he does want to go he seems to be enjoying leaving you in suspense...treating you like a child.

Thank you for this post. This has been one of the most mean-spirited threads I have ever seen. There has been a dog pile mentality on this thread. Instead of offering opinion or ideas or constructive criticism a lot of folks have just jumped on the OP and fired off personal insults. It has been unnecessary and counter-productive. The OP realizes she flew off the handle with the kids. ...and truthfully, who hasn't been stressed and done the same? She later regretted her actions, and has come up with a plan to try to rectify the problem. I will tell you from experience that it is very difficult to be a step parent. Particularly a step parent that is doing the majority of the parenting while the children are at your home. You are in "no man's land." There are things, as an adult, that you feel need to be corrected, but as a step parent (ie: "you are not my mom, and you can't tell me what to do") you have little or no authority to correct. ...and children of divorce are notorious for playing one side against the other. As in, "I can't bring money here from my mom's house to save for our trip because I will get in trouble," but the next week showing up with the same money to spend on swimming. The back and forth and weeding out the truth from the play is very frustrating. To suggest that the OP has no motherly feeling for these children is just uncalled for. After all, it is she who tries to make sure that they have birthdays and holidays and vacations. I am sure there are "issues" in the OP's marriage. (...and if you can find me a marriage that doesn't have issues, you are remarkable!) and I am sure that these issues and the stress of dealing with them may effect her day to day actions, but that is no need to offer personal insults and sarcastic jabs. I think she would be a lot better served by offering ideas and constructive criticism. I know a lot of posters don't believe in making children save their own money for souvenirs and extras, but I believe that there are an equal amount who do. We actually do a modified version. I tell them exactly what I will buy for them. (this is tailored to each child) and then anything extra comes out of their pocket.

I, too, commend the OP for sticking with this thread and taking the mean spirited jabs without resorting in kind. I hope things work out for you.

...now we can all use some....

 

[crisi]

To me there's a difference in teaching your child to be responsible with money - making sure that they understand that "you can only spend it once" as we say in our house and having a child worry that the family isn't ok financially. When my DD11 (at the time) had the chance to take a theater study trip to NYC for Spring Brek, we sat down with her and helped her come up with a plan to save her own spending money while we paid for the trip. My children have known the disappointment in spending your money and then regretting the purchase and wishing you still had the money.

I agree that there is a difference - I just think a kid understanding that the family itself does not have limitless money is good for them - and that may cause them a little stress. The people I know who have weathered the financial crisis the worst (and before the financial crisis) were the ones whose parents never let them see financial stress. Those of us who grew up with a LITTLE financial stress tend to be more financial responsible adults than those who grew up with no financial stress - or a LOT of financial stress.

In this case the girl isn't saving her money because she's afraid they'll loose the house, won't have groceries. That's a lot of financial stress for a kid. At the same time - a LOT of kids do weather that sort of stress - and a lot of kids are being asked to face those realities right now. And most of them are going to come out the other end stronger for it.

But I think that overall we tend to shield our kids too much - especially those of us who have the ability to shield them - and that doesn't help them become resilient and independent adults. Not that we need to expose them to a lot of stress, just that they should have some inkling that life as a grown up isn't a cake walk.

 

[ToddyLu]

I have only read about 2 pages of this thread. It reminds me of how my parents taught me about money. #1 They started showed me their check stubs at about 11 years old. #2 My father helped me blance the checkbook (before debit cards ) monthly--it was sort of my chore with him--but I looked forward to it and eventully could do it by myself and he would step in to correct any errors. #3 I watched my Mom put money in her "envelopes" to save and each was marked...when she needed money she went to that envelope. I imagine that with today having more invisible money...direct deposit and credit cards/debit cards that would be difficult.

It was just a very effective way of teaching me. We never had the money to go to Disney World at their age. But I went to the Grand Canyon and some other beautiful places. When I was 15 my Mom paid $1500 for me a 30 day trip to Europe and I saved $700 of my own money babysitting. I knew how hard she worked for it (full time with no benefits) becasue I saw the money go into the envelope. My brother bought his fist sailboat with money he earned mowing grass at 14.

So now he and I both grew up, went to college and made a few money mistakes along the way. But I know how much money and saving that took on their part. So I get pleasure today doing things for them that are nice. Just a few ideas maybe for those out there who want to teach their kids about money.

 

[Leajess99]

Forget everything I said in past posts

Just found a thread from OP from 2 years ago. Looks like she didn’t like to share her (secret) money while she was working.

You and your DH are made for each other.

I give your marriage one more year.

Again, I pity the kids.

http://www.disboards.com/showthread.php?t=1414863&referrerid=93883

After reading that I see she really is comfortable lying so who is to say she has told any truths at all on here?? If she can lie to her dh than it is apparent she can lie to anyone. Very sad and I feel sorry for all the kids involved.

 

[Leajess99]

They must have done something to make it possible for her to stay home this summer. She had more bills than savings in April

The DH didn't think that things were bad enough for her to take on another child yet and didn't like the situation with the mother of the child she was going to babysit.

It didn't make financial sense to put stepkids in daycare. Why not have them and be able to stay home with DD longer.

The birthday and holiday things

ITA the whole thing doesn't make much sense I think both adults need to have a chat and re-evaluate how things are going.

And that was probably a very smart move by her DH if he was not comfortable with the child's mother. He has to protect his child as well in these situations and why put stepkids in daycare when she is home?? I just do not get this woman but I feel she is playing many for a fool.

 

[Leajess99]

In follow up to my last post, I wonder how any of you would deal w/ the opposite problem. This a.m. I opened our Disney savings box to prepare a deposit. I check it periodically because we don't like to have too much cash in there .... just in case. Since we can get "into" the box, it could be tempting to take cash our for some minor emergency.

So... I knew how much was in there when I last checked it and I also knew how much I put in there since that time. Imagine my surprise when the total was more than $20 higher that I expected!

Seems my nine-soon-to-be 10 yr. old had added more money from her spending. When I cautioned her about this ... I reminded her that we have a lot of "fun" activities like fairs and carnivals and site-seeing this summer so she didn't need to contribute toooooo much of her own money.

Her answer?

"I know, Mom, but I really, really, really want to go to Disney"

Seems she heard a news story that airline tickets might be going up because fuel prices are rising again.

Apparently, I need to make sure my kids never hear the news. This child isn't worried about her spending money. She's working hard to make sure she even gets to go.

So ... wondering how some of you would deal with this surprising turn of events ... especially would like advice from those who are leary of a child contributing toward a vacation.

That is very thoughtful fo your DD to try and help out. What about putting what she adds into a separate account for her and that way she can still feel like she is helping but you could give her the money back later and say it was leftover from the trip?? That way she made it to Disney and feels like her efforts paid off and she will feel okay with spending it or saving it again. Just an idea.

 

[lanasboys]

to lanasboys....

Glad to see your post. Seems like a healthy & reasonable way of having the kids "contribute."

Seems to work out well for us. My kids are truly blessed to have so much (not that we have lots of money, but we have doting grandparents), and I worry about them becoming, I don't know, unappreciative I guess. I want them to realize how blessed they are and be thankful for it. This way, when they have to use their own money for some of the things they want to do, they tend to think more carefully about how badly they want whatever it is.