The REAL Longest Thread In Dis History Part 5

[Trentmom]

Toucan:

On that old stump there are spectacular toucans, some of the most colorful birds in the jungle.

Toucan do much better than one can.

Over there are three toucans- also known as a six pack of birds.

 

[Disneymommom]

Two guys were fishing down by the Ohio River on different sides of the riverbank at night. Guy number one was catching a whole bunch of fish for his family, but guy number two hadn't caught any and was frustrated and called out to guy number one "How come you've been catching all them there fish and I ain't caught a single one?"
Guy number one replied, " I don’t know.... why don’t ya come on over here?"
"I don’t know.... I don’t see a bridge, and their aint no boat, and I don’t swim to well"
Guy number one picks up his flashlight, turns it on, and replies, " Why don’t you walk across this here beam off light?"
Guy number two was outraged and replied "do you think am stupid? When I get half way you'll turn it off!!!"

 

[Disneymommom]

Only in America
Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
Only in America... do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America... do they leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America... do they use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so they won't miss a call from someone they didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America... do they buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America... do they use the word "politics" to describe the process so well; "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures".
Only in America... do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering

 

[Trentmom]

Rapids of Kilimanjaro:

Uh-oh, up ahead- the treacherous rapids of Kilimanjaro. Very sharp and dangerous rocks through here... notice the huge waves crashing against our hull. (Makes crashing wave sounds in mike)

Ho hum... here we are at the famous rapids of Kilimanjaro. We'll probably have to shoot them. (Leans over and shoots rapids with thumb and index finger.)

(Steering wheel back and forth) Notice the skill and finesse your skipper uses to guide the boat through safely. Those of you who wish to take pictures, feel free.

If we start sinking, we'll have to lighten our load. (Turns to guest) You folks over there want to get your belongings together? You may be leaving us shortly.

That last rock on the right is a 1:100 scale model of the Matterhorn Bobsled ride! (check it out, it really looks like it. .. )

Hang on... we're coming across some white water here. One of those jagged rocks could easily rip the bottom right out of our boat. If we start to go down, just grab for the bright red seat cushions. (color not on boat) They're the only ones that float.

We're now entering the incredibly dangerous white water rapids of Kilimanjaro. Grab hold of something solid, like those safety bars of the person next to you because we're going to be bouncing up and down a lot! (jumps up and down, side to side) Whew! Did you feel the sheer power of that?

On the right here are some fascinating rock formations. Really interesting. It's sad though. I come through here all the time, point these out to people, but they just take them for granite. (Alternate: See that rock right there, it's actually made of limestone, but many of my crews just take it for granite.)

 

[Disneymommom]

Bill, Hillary and Vice President Gore were on their way back to Washington on Air Force One, when Bill said " I'd like to drop a $100 bill out of the plane and make one person very happy".
Hillary thought for a moment then replied "I’d rather drop ten, $10 bills out and make ten people very happy".
To which Vice President Gore said " I would drop a hundred $1 bills out and make a hundred people very happy".

The pilot then spoke up and said " Why don't all three of you jump out and make 250 million people very happy?"

 

[Trentmom]

Python/Water Buffaloes:

Hey look there, what kind of snake is that? (People answer with the names of kinds of snake) No, it a plastic snake.

Python’s are one of the less intelligent animals in the jungle. If they were smart do you think that he would be hugging that dead tree stump when food is all around him.

Up ahead is our pet snake, Monty. (pause) Monty is a python

Yup, there's one little python, sitting in a tree, H...I...S...S...I...N...G

Uh-oh... Look ahead there! A huge python. It looks like he tried to put the squeeze on that baby water buffalo... Actually, he's very affectionate, and if we get much closer, he could get a crush on you!

And on the left, a huge python, one of the jungle's most fascinating and studied creatures. After all, look at all the animals that totally get wrapped up in the subject!

That huge python is over 24 feet long and known to swallow little children whole!

 

[Disneymommom]

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

 

[Disneymommom]

A woman who died found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates, being greeted by St. Peter.
She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I really think it is? It's so beautiful.
Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to Heaven. But you must do one more thing before you can enter." The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do to pass through the gates. "Spell a word," St. Peter replied. "What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice." The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.L-o-v-e."
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he went to the bathroom.
"I'd be honored," she said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman to simply have any newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the beautiful angels soaring around her when a man approaches the gates. She realizes it is her loser husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so drunk when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here? Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."

 

[FHS_chick_2005]

so I have a cute story for you ladies!

I was ringing some guy up today and he had his two kids in the cart.. I am really bad at judging ages but one couldnt talk and the other was talking but you really had to listen and think to understand her... well she was handing me all the little things in the cart and being a big helper and that was cute all my itself, I love kids! and the dad goes "OH! do you guys sell M&Ms?" I said "no we dont sell any candy" and he turns around to the older of the two and says "you were a very good girl today and they are out of M&Ms here but we will get you some at the next store" and she looked sad but nodded and I said "wait a minute" and ran over to customer service because we have these Jimie Johnson number 48 stickers, just a bug circle sticker with the number 48 in it, and handed one to each of the kids and the older one jumped up and wrapped me in a little hug and said "thank you" but all kid like it was soo cute! the dad was like "i'm sorry" and started to pull her away and I was like "its no problem" and hugged her back and told her what a big helper she was... I got this warm fuzzy feeling inside after they left!

 

[Disneymommom]

Two bats are hanging in their cave. One turns to the other and says, "Oh, I'm really thirsty for some fresh blood."
The other bat is amazed and says, "Well, it’s a bit late. Daylight is almost here, and we can't be exposed to any light - you know we'll die." "Yeah, I know," says the first bat, "but I'm really starving for it."
So he flies out of the cave and returns five minutes later with blood dripping from his mouth.
"You lucky thing. Where'd you find blood that quick?" asked the second bat.
"You see that tree over there in the distance?" mumbled the bat, his mouth full of blood.
"Yeah, I think I do!"
"Well, I didn't."

 

[Trentmom]

Trader Sam:

There's old Trader Sam, head salesman of the area. Business has been shrinking lately, so this week only, Sam's offering a two-for-one special: two of his, for one of yours!

There's old Trader Sam... Three explorers came through here last week and Sam invited them for dinner. When he told them what the menu was, they completely lost their heads.I got their late. All I got was the cold shoulder and some finger food.Trader Sam was thrown out of college, ya, he was caught buttering up one of his professors, now he’s a psychologist. You can tell who is clients are, he a shrink to the ones on the left and the ones on the right are his basket cases.

 

[Disneymommom]

so I have a cute story for you ladies!

I was ringing some guy up today and he had his two kids in the cart.. I am really bad at judging ages but one couldnt talk and the other was talking but you really had to listen and think to understand her... well she was handing me all the little things in the cart and being a big helper and that was cute all my itself, I love kids! and the dad goes "OH! do you guys sell M&Ms?" I said "no we dont sell any candy" and he turns around to the older of the two and says "you were a very good girl today and they are out of M&Ms here but we will get you some at the next store" and she looked sad but nodded and I said "wait a minute" and ran over to customer service because we have these Jimie Johnson number 48 stickers, just a bug circle sticker with the number 48 in it, and handed one to each of the kids and the older one jumped up and wrapped me in a little hug and said "thank you" but all kid like it was soo cute! the dad was like "i'm sorry" and started to pull her away and I was like "its no problem" and hugged her back and told her what a big helper she was... I got this warm fuzzy feeling inside after they left!

That's a sweet story. I love kids like that. Doesn't it make you feel really good when little kids are sweet and loving! DGS is like that, real sweet and friendly too. You'd love him!

 

[Trentmom]

so I have a cute story for you ladies!

I was ringing some guy up today and he had his two kids in the cart.. I am really bad at judging ages but one couldnt talk and the other was talking but you really had to listen and think to understand her... well she was handing me all the little things in the cart and being a big helper and that was cute all my itself, I love kids! and the dad goes "OH! do you guys sell M&Ms?" I said "no we dont sell any candy" and he turns around to the older of the two and says "you were a very good girl today and they are out of M&Ms here but we will get you some at the next store" and she looked sad but nodded and I said "wait a minute" and ran over to customer service because we have these Jimie Johnson number 48 stickers, just a bug circle sticker with the number 48 in it, and handed one to each of the kids and the older one jumped up and wrapped me in a little hug and said "thank you" but all kid like it was soo cute! the dad was like "i'm sorry" and started to pull her away and I was like "its no problem" and hugged her back and told her what a big helper she was... I got this warm fuzzy feeling inside after they left!

Aww...what a sweet story....

 

[Disneymommom]

There was a little old lady who was nearly blind. She had three sons and they wanted to prove which one was the best son to her.
So son #1 bought her a 15-room mansion thinking this would surely be the best any of them could offer her.
Son #2 bought her a beautiful Mercedes with a chauffeur included thinking he would surely win her approval.
Son #3 had to do something even better than these so he bought her a trained parrot. This parrot had been trained for 15 years to memorize the entire Bible. You could mention any verse in the Bible and the parrot could quote it word for word. How useful his nearly blind mother would find that!
Well, the old lady went to the first son and said, "Son, the house is just gorgeous but it's really much too big for me. I only live in one room, and it's much too large for me to clean and take care of. I really don't need the house, but thank you anyway."
Then she explained to her second son, "Son, the car is beautiful, it has everything you could ever want on it, but I don't drive and I really don't like that driver, so please return the car."
Next, she went to son number three and said, "Son, I just want to thank you for that thoughtful gift. The chicken was small, but delicious."

 

[Trentmom]

Return to Civilization:
Thank You for riding and have a good day. And as Michael Jackson would say (In a feminine voice)

Thank You for riding and have a good day. And as Charley Browns teacher would say (In the teachers weird voice) Wa, wa, wa…etc. And now as Millie Vanilli would say (mouths the words) Thank You for riding and have a good day.

And now, probably the most dangerous part of our journey- the return to civilization! I certainly hope you've enjoyed our cruise. However, if your in-laws are still with you, you've missed a golden opportunity. However, bring them back later tonight for our "in-law" special... halfway for half fare, no questions asked.

Well we've laughed and we've cried. We've almost died! I love you like family. Now get out! I'm sorry, that was rude. Please get out.

And now, the most dangerous part of our journey- the return to civilization and those California freeways. Talk about a jungle!

The Jungle Cruise was brought to you in part today my the letters, "e", "r" and the number "101"

You know, many times people ask me how many people work at Disneyland. (Counting the visible cast members) Hmmm, I'd say about one out of seven!

As we approach, please notice that there's a dock on the left, and a dock on the right. But don't let it confuse you. It's a paradox.

Make sure you have all personal belongings with you... cameras, purses, small children... anything left on board will be thrown screaming to the crocodiles.

Any children left on board become property of the Walt Disney company after 24 hours.Please make sure you have all you belongings with you including your small children, if you leave them we will be forced to take them back to It’s a Small World and glue their feet to the floor and make them sing that hideous song over and over and over.

Please keep your hands inside the boat, I sure don’t want my new dock ruined. If you liked your ride my name is (name) if you didn’t my name is Tom and I work on the Submarine Voyage.

 

[Disneymommom]

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

 

[Trentmom]

Unloading: Two of the world's largest pygmies will assist you from the boat.

Please take your kids by the hand and watch your step.

You will be helped off the boat by two of the black footed albino pigmies over on the dock. These guys weigh over 500 pounds and can jump OVER TWENTY FEET!

OK rise like bread folks, no loafing around. I know my jokes are stale and crumby, and I'm sure I could do butter but its the yeast I can do on the sourdough I make here. I think I get my rye sense of humor from my dad. It's no wonder. He's Danish. I was born under a croissant moon and I used to be the toast of the town, until one day I just got spread too thin. Hey, where are you going, I'm on a roll! Oh well I guess you have to jam. OK, everybody stand up please.

Those of you on the dock side will be helped out by the front, those of you on the water side should turn around and you'll be helped out by the rear... of the boat that is. This is adventureland, not fantasyland!

The jungle cruise has been brought to you today by the hippo farmers of America. Hippo: The other-other white meat.

When I count to three, everybody stand... the last one standing is a baby hippo. Ready? One... two... four! Look at all the baby hippos!

Do stand up... off your seats, on your feets. All right... if you don't stand, you'll have to go again! I knew that would get you up. Look down and watch your step as you exit. If you feel faint, don't hesitate to throw your arms around the necks of the unloaders... that's ladies only, please!

If you feel your feet getting wet as you leave the boat, you've probably gone out the wrong side. Don't fall in the water as you leave... we'll have to charge you extra.

Well folks, I hope you all enjoyed your trip around the jungle. I had such a good time- I'm going to go again! (low voice)... and again, and again, and again...

Bye now.. come back and see me again when you have the courage... and enjoy the rest of your stay in the Magic Kingdom. Aren't you going to say good-bye, after all we've been through together?

Please be sure to tell your friends how much you enjoyed the Jungle Cruise... it helps keeps the lines down. Please don't go out the window- you'll get a window pane. That would be a shuttering experience. It would be enough to make a venetian blind.

Please exit the boat the same way you entered... pushing and shoving.

Watch your step, and please don't step on small children indiscriminately. Pick the one you want and make sure you get him!"

If the unloaders grab you on the elbow or wrist as you pass, that's their way of saying they love you. You can repay them by stomping on their foot or kicking them in the shin. Of all the groups I've taken on this ride, you're the most ... recent.

If you want to see me later, you can catch me at the Comedy Club at Pleasure Island. I'll be the one in the restroom handing out mints and washing the combs in that blue water.

We hope you enjoy the rest of your day here in this magic and enchanting land that we call ... work. If you would like to see me on the David Letterman Show next month... please write him a letter and tell him you would like to see me there!

 

[Disneymommom]

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "That's right!" the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she said. The next pupil was the sweet shop owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, "I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets." "That's right, but how did you know?" asked the girl. "Oh, just a wild guess," said the teacher. The next gift was from the son of the liquor storeowner. The teacher held he package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop off the leakage with her finger and put it to her tongue. "Is it wine?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with some excitement. The teacher repeated the process, tasting a larger drop of the leakage. "Is it champagne?" she asked. "No," the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more big taste before declaring, "I give up, what is it?" With great glee, the boy replied, "It's a puppy!" SURPRISE!

 

[Disneymommom]

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

 

[FHS_chick_2005]

That's a sweet story. I love kids like that. Doesn't it make you feel really good when little kids are sweet and loving! DGS is like that, real sweet and friendly too. You'd love him!

yeah... then you get the kids that are greedy and pain in the butts... I had some kids ask me if I had any candy and I said no and the kid threw something on the ground and got all mad.