The Onion: "Why No One Want make Hulk 2?"

DocBosch

<font color=blue>Hasta La By Bye, Doc<br><font col
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Oct 18, 1999
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From The Onion

Why No One Want make Hulk 2?
by Hulk

X2 come out last year. Spider-Man 2 come out last month. Both great sequels to great movies about Hulk friends. Hulk love great action movies about friends! People buy tickets. Make money for theaters, make money for movie company. Movie company make more movies with money. Already, they working on X-Men 3. Hulk movie come out last year. It success. It big popcorn movie with heart. So why no one want make Hulk 2? It make Hulk mad!

Hulk know what people say. Original movie no good, people say. Hulk movie Hulk-sized bomb, people say. That not true! Hulk more successful than people think. Make $132 million in U.S. alone, only cost $120 million. That not small potatoes. Add international box-office receipts and DVD sales and it add up to big money. Big! Oh, and did Hulk forget merchandising tie-ins? First Hulk movie really forge Hulk brand identity. Make people aware of Hulk. Hulk now poised to build on success of first Hulk movie. Hulk 2 smash box-office records!

First Hulk movie flawed but underrated. Oscar-winner Jennifer Connelly give sublime performance as Hulk romantic interest Betty Ross. She pretty. Australian hunk Eric Bana good in breakthrough American role as puny human Bruce Banner. Film even give tip of hat to TV Hulk and Stan "The Man" Lee. Sure, conflict with father stray from original story, but it provide new twist on classic legend. Necessary to increase dramatic tension. Make Hulk seem more human so audience can identify with puny human Banner.

Why no one appreciate daring vision of Ang Lee? Aaargh! Ang Lee genius! Maybe panels on screen gimmicky, but him try something new. When last time you try something new?! Ang Lee willing to work in unfamiliar genres. Him brave like Hulk. Hulk wish for him to work on Hulk 2, if he willing, but Hulk understand if he not want to. Ang Lee like Hulk: He not stay in one place for too long. Him working on gay western right now. That prove Hulk's point. If him not do it, maybe Darren Aronofsky or David Gordon Green. Someone with unique vision that not so stuck on action clichés. First studio exec to suggest Joel Schumacher get smashed!

Hulk 2 give chance to increase merchandising profile, as well. Hulk have ideas for new Hulk products. Hulk Foam Hands surprise hit in toy stores. Hulk Foam Hands big and soft and make Hulk smashing noises when you hit things. If Hulk Hands big hit, Hulk Feet even bigger hit! Make smashing and stomping noises. Imagine puny human child walking around with Hulk Feet! Make big noise like Hulk. Imagine... ho, ho, ho... excuse Hulk, Hulk laughing. That funny! But Hulk not just limit branding to toys. Make Hulk Shampoo and Hulk Shampoo For Kids, in special no-tears formula. It sound like bad idea, but it good idea! You squirt it right in eye, and it not make you mad! Hulk very concerned with hygiene and comfort. Know how hard it is to make puny human child take bath. Hulk Shampoo make bath-time fun!

Many unanswered questions from last Hulk movie. What happen to puny human Banner in rainforest? Is there cure for Hulk? Will General Thaddeus E. "Thunderbolt" Ross leave Hulk alone? Is there future with Betty Ross? Where villains that make comic so great, like Abomination, Wendigo, and Leader? Hulk hate Leader and Leader's big head. What happen to Grey Hulk? And where Hulk's friend Rick Jones? He only one that understand Hulk. Rick? Rick!? Raaaaahhhh! Sometimes Hulk so sad and alone.

Back to Hulk movie. Hulk visualize Hulk trilogy like Matrix, but no spiritual mumbo-jumbo. Crazy mumbo-jumbo make Hulk's head hurt! Hulk work out treatment for next movie Hulkself. It have everything in Hulk, only more intense. In this movie, Hulk smash for first 20 minutes. Give fanboys something to hang fanboy hats on. Then have romance, for women ages 24 to 40. Very important demographic if want make movie real summer blockbuster.

Then Leader come, bring Abomination. Him try to wreck everything by capturing Hulk. Then Hulk smash more! Hulk smash Leader and Abomination! Hulk smash tanks, too! That nod to first film. Hulk love scene where Hulk throw tank into horizon. At end of movie, cliffhanger. Put people on edge of seats. Like Hulk say, always leave puny humans wanting more.

Hulk working on pitch right now. Hope to take lunch with Hulk movie screenwriter James Schamus. Him really get what Hulk all about. Also, him open doors in Hollywood. Hope him will share story-by credit with Hulk. Hulk paint in broad strokes. Not good with words. Leave detail work to Schamus.

If you producer, Hulk want know why you sitting around? Does producer hate make money? Hulk need someone line up investors now. Need maybe $100 million. Less than original. Kinks worked out by now. Software engines all designed. Want start filming in New Zealand by December. It summer there when winter here. It much cheaper to film in New Zealand. Hulk budget-conscious. If all go according to plan, Hulk 2 hit theaters by summer 2006. Perfect summer movie!

If that not enough, Hulk write great tag lines. "No make Hulk 2 angry!" Maybe "This time it personal." Or "Green machine back in theaters summer 2006." Maybe teaser poster with Hulk fist punching out of poster. Puny humans see that and they duck! It real attention-grabber. If you still not convinced, Hulk not waste more time with you. Maybe New Line interested. They flush with Lord Of Rings money. Looking for new franchise? Call Hulk when you ready to talk serious.

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Thought you guys would appreciate this.

-Kevin
 
My opinion, I hated the Hulk movie. I loved Spiderman and the sequel, liked the X-men, second ok, and like most comic book/hero movies, but the Hulk was boring to me and they didn't do anything with it. My wife and I were ready to shut the movie off midway. I don't really know that I was that impressed with the affects either. If they intend to make a second, they had better get a better group of writers and make it action packed, not a long bore like the first.
On the bright side, I still love the ride.
 
Hey Prince Eric. I hope you don’t think I wrote that. It’s from The Onion satirical newspaper. It’s supposed to be an opinion piece written by The Hulk, which I thought just read really funny. My favorite part:

“Why no one appreciate daring vision of Ang Lee? … Ang Lee willing to work in unfamiliar genres. Him brave like Hulk … Him working on gay western right now.”

Which is true!

I personally liked the Hulk movie. It’s one of the better recent superhero movies, amongst X-Men 2 and Spider-Man 2. It should be said that I wasn’t really a fan of the character, and wasn’t really interested in seeing a movie about it (as opposed to X-Men or Spider-Man) but what got me interested was the director, Ang Lee.

The key to the success of the recent Marvel Comic movies has been the selection of interesting directors. X-Men was helmed by Brian Singer, director of The Usual Suspects and Apt Pupil, both dark and dramatic movies. Sam Raimi, a well-known genre filmmaker, best known for the campy, low budget Evil Dead horror movies, directed Spider-Man. These filmmakers, with a dose of artistic integrity, were able to respect the source material and approach the job in a different way then some stock action director would have. Brian Singer was able to give the X-Men motivation a dramatic touch, and Sam Raimi approached the unconventional Spider-Man with unconventional filmmaking techniques. But above all, these directors, who are capable of making quality films, were able to make quality superhero films that dealt with character and story and not just action.

For me it was most interesting to see what these filmmakers would do with the material then just seeing another superhero movie. With Ang Lee, it was interesting to look at his filmography. Like Hulk said in the article, Ang Lee likes to try his hand at different genres. He started off with Chinese romantic dramas, most notably “Eat Drink Man Woman”, followed by a Jane Austen period piece, “Sense and Sensibility”, then and a family drama set in the 1970s, “The Ice Storm”, a Civil War movie, “Ride with the Devil”, and finally a mystical Chinese martial arts Oscar winner, “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”. After all that, he decided to make a superhero movie.

I got truly excited about the movie from the teaser trailer. I could tell it was going to look and feel more like a drama then a plain action movie. I started seeing reviews that affirmed this hunch, and even a report that said studio bosses were upset because Lee pretty much shot a $120 Million art house film. Maybe because I’m more used to seeing independent and foreign films, but that’s what made the movie for me. There was a lot more focus on the characters and their reasons. This is perfect for Marvel heroes, who, according to Stan Lee, were inspired by their flaws. For me, the action sequences, especially the Hulk Dogs scene, were amazing, but that was mainly because I was captivated with the characters. I did think there were some strange and weak things, such as the constant split screens and how far the whole father plot went, but I chalked it up to Ang Lee trying something new, which isn’t such a bad thing (it’s the reason why Spider-Man 2 is so good).

I think the special effects were well done. I have a theory that special effects are inherently fake and odd looking no matter what. How good a special effect looks depends on how involved you are in the story, which decides how much you will suspend your disbelief and go along with it. (Which explains why people are more positive about the original Star wars movies, with the primitive effects, then the prequels, with the advanced technology). By it self, though, the Hulk effects were a huge feat. Look at the picture below and realize that it’s a completely computer generated image that looks nearly photo realistic. The fact that it’s huge and green throws it off, but I’ve seen the Hulk CGI creature tinted flesh colored, and it’s eerily surrealistic.

In the end, I can understand why some (or most) people didn’t like it. I enjoyed the arty and dramatic take on it, but it is a superhero movie, and not all of that audience can be expected to appreciate such things (personally, I wouldn’t want to see ALL superhero movies done like that). I think Spider-Man 2 was able to do it all best: it kept faithful to the source, made us actually care and understand the characters, and still have breathtaking action sequences (that actually served the plot).

-Kevin

opinion475.jpg
 
Thanks, DocBosch. That was funny. And it's a good smack in the face for Hollywood as to why they SHOULD make Hulk 2. The Onion rules. :cool:

I liked the movie, and the panels made it a bit odd, but once I got used to it, it wasn't bad at all.
 

I know I wouldn't go see Hulk 2. I was glad I waited to see the 1st one on video. After watching it, I wished I had saved my buck. I though it was one of the dumbest movies ever.

It would have been much better without the "fake" Hulk. The Hulk character should have been played by a real person, not a computer generated, TOTALLY unrealistic "thing." I would have enjoyed it much more that way.
 
I didn't think you wrote it doc, saw the disclaimer at the top. I didn't, however, read it thoroughly as I should have (just getting out of work and ready for bed at the time) and skimmed it over. Sorry for that, I've got my kids attention span sometimes.:D
 
Hi Kevin.......soooo nice to seeya.

It is very long read Prince Eric. Me think Hulk2 be better than Hulk1 as they would learn mistake. Me like Hulk, me think it would be good to have Hulk2!! :p
 
Ok, Prince Eric. I was afraid you thought I wrote like that! :p

I also think Hulk 2 could be an improvement, if they were able to balance the dramatic angle with better pacing and lot more fun action. I think the end to Hulk somewhat hinted at that. I tend to enjoy the sequels of the recent superhero movies more then the original.

For both X-Men 1and Spider-Man 1, I loved the heck out of the first half of the movie, and wasn't so crazy about the latter half. I think in both cases the origin stories were well executed, but then a half hearted ending had to be tacked on to make a full movie. By the second movies, the directors were more into the groove of what they wanted the movies to be (with a lot more freedom, since the first movies were such successes) and able to work with a full, self contained story.

-Kevin
 
I found the Hulk movie boring. I actually fell asleep twice! When I was awake I couldn't hear all that much over my husband's snoring! My sons didn't care for it either. I was very disappointed in that I expected much more from an Ang Lee film. (I loved Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.) If they did film a sequel, I'd probably only rent the DVD. I doubt they'd get my money in the theatres.
 
But the Hulk 2 should be good, because they won't have to introduce all the characters. They are also planning on making Daredevil 2, Captain America, Iron Man, Submariner, Ghost Rider and the Fantastic 4. Some great movies for the next few summers!
 
The reason was it was a snore. The special effects were as well bad. The reason why spiderman 2 was made it was spriderman 1 was good.


Dan
 
Hulk Sucked Bad.

Spiderman 1 Sucked

Spiderman 2 was OK if anything.

Please, No more Hulk Sequels, or Spiderman ones unless they Dump Raimi
 




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