"The Locator".. Adoption question..

[C.Ann]

It's on right now - and I'm kind of listening to it as I'm DISing..

Got me to thinking - how do you feel about adoption records? Should they remain sealed "forever" - or be open and available to an adopted child when they are of legal age?

I myself am adopted.. I was able to find out who my birth parents were when I was a teenager (after a couple of years of digging around on my own), but that was pure luck.. Had I not been able to do that on my own, I would have never known who they were as adoption records are sealed "forever" in New York..

What is your opinion - and why?

 

[Stacerita]

I think they should be sealed if that is the wished of both parties. In a perfect world there would be a national adoption registry where you could put that you don't want to be contacted or that you do. And the other party could do the same. And if you both want, the registry can let you know. This could also work if one party wants to meet, but the other doesn't, and then later changes their mind.

I would respect the privacy of all those involved though. I just would like to see it made easier for those who want to connect with either the child they gave up to another family to raise, or from the bio parents.

I think there is also reasons why they shouldn't be sealed forever. Medical and health issues are one. If there was some sort of registry, they could contact the birth parents and ask for information, or a spare body part of marrow if needed. You know what I mean though. It can also go the same way. Someone gives up a child as a teen, and then 20 years later develops breast cancer. That could be something they could report so the child who is now an adult will know that there is a family history of it and to get checked at an earlier age or more frequently.

I would like to see more open adoptions personally.

JMO

 

[dolcezena]

You've hit on a topic very close to my soul.

YES, there should be a way for birthparents & children to re-connect, assuming of course, both parties wish for it.

All children/teenagers go through a period of wondering who they are, why they are how they are, etc, & for an adopted child, that feeling is often magnified. As the PP said, it's also important for medical reasons.

That's why, when I had an unplanned pregnancy, the birth-father & I chose OPEN adoption. I don't have to spend the rest of my life wondering what happened to the child, who has him, how he's being raised & so on. Nor does he have to wonder why he looks the way he does, or why he's good at painting or something, or, most importantly, why he was "given away."

We & his adoptive parents chose a level of contact we were all comfortable with, & I live my life knowing I made the best possible choice for him. Yes, I still think about him every day, but it's mostly without regret. And I hope, when he's older, that he'll understand.

 

[C.Ann]

I think they should be sealed if that is the wished of both parties. In a perfect world there would be a national adoption registry where you could put that you don't want to be contacted or that you do. And the other party could do the same. And if you both want, the registry can let you know. This could also work if one party wants to meet, but the other doesn't, and then later changes their mind.

I would respect the privacy of all those involved though. I just would like to see it made easier for those who want to connect with either the child they gave up to another family to raise, or from the bio parents.

I think there is also reasons why they shouldn't be sealed forever. Medical and health issues are one. If there was some sort of registry, they could contact the birth parents and ask for information, or a spare body part of marrow if needed. You know what I mean though. It can also go the same way. Someone gives up a child as a teen, and then 20 years later develops breast cancer. That could be something they could report so the child who is now an adult will know that there is a family history of it and to get checked at an earlier age or more frequently.

I would like to see more open adoptions personally.

JMO

---------------------

Very well said.. Makes perfect sense to me (as an adopted child).. I have no medical information regarding my biological father (or his side of the family) as I was never allowed to speak to him..

 

[OokOofy]

I don't feel that these records should be sealed forever. Maybe until 18, or 21. At the time of placement the biological mother may have felt it was best, but over time may come to change her mind with no way to access info. The child, then adult, should have access to information in helping to answer the questions they have about their bio-family. Maybe a report of some sort?

My DD was adopted internationally and we received some background information, and a few photos of the biological mother & our daughter together. They are worth more to me then liquid gold.

 

[honugirl]

I really wish there was an easy way to get medical info. I have no medical info from my bio parents and wish I did. I have a rare disease that may/may not be genetic. It was a long process to get diagnosed and could have been much easier if I had medical info from them. But as for wishing to meet them? If I did, great, if not, I'm OK with that too.

 

[Disneycrazymom]

WE have been blessed with an open adoption. I am so happy that we know our wonderful birthmom. We do not live in the same area and so only get to see each other about 1 time per year but those are special times for all of us. Both DD's moms (me and her birthmom) love the arrangement we have. I hope that DD will know how much she is loved and how special she is! WE are so very very blessed!

 

[raysnkaysmom]

I have yet to see that show, but just the commercial for it has me in tears! What a knock that must be!!!

I think it should be up to the birth mother and adoptive parents the route they should/want to go.... I'm sure there are people who prefer both open and sealed.

I think medical records should be included in adoptions though, if thats possible.

 

[EMom]

What I think is best does not exist, but there is no reason it couldn't with today's technology. Some have mentioned a national registry and that would be ideal. The birthparents and child could enter whatever information they felt willing to give. If they changed their mind, they could amend their file. If they didn't want to be identified but did want to give medical info, they could do that.

In short, I do not think the adopted child's rights trump that of the birthparents. When birthparents made their decision, especially the much older ones, society had much different moral standards. Doubtless there are senior women out there today who have never told their families about the child they relinquished for adoption. And because their moral beliefs are far different than that of today's general population, you can't hold them to today's standards. If a child (now adult) suddenly showed up, it could ruin lives. Senior husbands of a different era definitely might not understand. I can foresee all sorts of trauma. And all the while, the woman is wondering why the promise that no one would ever know was not kept.

However, if she DID want to connect with that child, she could enter her info in the national registry. I just don't think it's right to change the terms, so to speak, years after the adoption when it might very well be against the will of one party. A national registry would remedy that. And we are fully capable of having one.

With our DD , we have some info. There is now a growing network of detectives who will search out the birthmothers or info regarding the birthnother in Russia and get more info for the adoptive family, but they must be very discreet. Why? Because there is still such a stigma against relinquishing a child that to have your family, neighbors, new husband, etc. know that you'd had a baby could literally ruin your life. It's the way it was here decades ago. For my part, I'm not willing to invade her privacy to that degree. Also, I don't feel that's my place. That's DD's call to make when she's an adult. We can theoretically travel to Russia and get more detailed documents at any time, but they might yield precious little. I will support DD if she wants to travel to Russia as an adult to locate her birth family. But before we make that trip, I'll spend the money to verify that they even want to make contact. And if they don't, we should respect that.

 

[aprilgail2]

You've hit on a topic very close to my soul.

YES, there should be a way for birthparents & children to re-connect, assuming of course, both parties wish for it.

All children/teenagers go through a period of wondering who they are, why they are how they are, etc, & for an adopted child, that feeling is often magnified. As the PP said, it's also important for medical reasons.

That's why, when I had an unplanned pregnancy, the birth-father & I chose OPEN adoption. I don't have to spend the rest of my life wondering what happened to the child, who has him, how he's being raised & so on. Nor does he have to wonder why he looks the way he does, or why he's good at painting or something, or, most importantly, why he was "given away."

We & his adoptive parents chose a level of contact we were all comfortable with, & I live my life knowing I made the best possible choice for him. Yes, I still think about him every day, but it's mostly without regret. And I hope, when he's older, that he'll understand.

I think it is cruel to have sealed adoption records-I belong to an adoptees group and the mental anguish many of these people go though is horrible, and they are no longer children but adults that still have these scars and feelings of abondonment and not knowing where they belong. I found my birthmom after years of searching but some are not as lucky- they just have to wonder their whole lives.
I would not have a child until I located my birth mother to see if there were any issues I should be aware of before having my own child.

In short, I do not think the adopted child's rights trump that of the birthparents. .

I think the childs rights totally trump the birthparents - they lost their rights when they did what they did and all records should be open so adoptees can be able to get potentially life saving medical info and know where they came from.

 

[jrmasm]

I think the childs rights totally trump the birthparents - they lost their rights when they did what they did and all records should be open so adoptees can be able to get potentially life saving medical info and know where they came from.

I couldn't disagree with you more except for medical information. I do not think a biological parent's right to privacy is any less important than an adpoted child's.

 

[Skatermom23]

:
I think the childs rights totally trump the birthparents - they lost their rights when they did what they did and all records should be open so adoptees can be able to get potentially life saving medical info and know where they came from.

You make it sound like what the birth mom/parents did was a bad thing and they should lose all rights because they opted to give their child a better life than they felt they could?

 

[The Mystery Machine]

I think it is cruel to have sealed adoption records-I belong to an adoptees group and the mental anguish many of these people go though is horrible, and they are no longer children but adults that still have these scars and feelings of abondonment and not knowing where they belong. I found my birthmom after years of searching but some are not as lucky- they just have to wonder their whole lives.
I would not have a child until I located my birth mother to see if there were any issues I should be aware of before having my own child.

I think the childs rights totally trump the birthparents - they lost their rights when they did what they did and all records should be open so adoptees can be able to get potentially life saving medical info and know where they came from.

We lost our rights? No, we gave up our rights as birthparents. Big difference there. While you make it sound dirty, it was very sad on our part.

I am sorry you feel mental anguish for being an adoptive child.

I am a birthparent. Your posts are very negative. I have not looked for my child I gave up for adoption.

I do not agree with your assessment of medical issues. Any number of things can happen medically and to not have children because of that is odd to me.

 

[alexandmaddie]

I think the childs rights totally trump the birthparents - they lost their rights when they did what they did and all records should be open so adoptees can be able to get potentially life saving medical info and know where they came from.

I absolutely disagree. The way you phrased it, it makes me think your thoughts are that the adoptive parents did something wrong.

 

[Stitchfans]

For me personally, I wish they weren't closed. Yes I am an adoptee. As I live out my life I am slowly but surely discovering the hard way what medical problems are in my birth parents families. There is so much I need and wish to know about myself. It kills me when I have to say to a doctor - I don't know what I can inherit, or what is in my families medical history, especially when it involves one of my DDs. Yes there is a big void, wondering whats what.

I am going through some medical problems right now which involves tons of pain. I spend most of my days crying. Would of been nice to have a heads up so some of this pain could of been avoided.

 

[Mikelly1221]

I think the childs rights totally trump the birthparents - they lost their rights when they did what they did and all records should be open so adoptees can be able to get potentially life saving medical info and know where they came from.

I completely disagree with you. I'm an adoptive mom and we have always told DS that what his birthmom did was a loving act, putting him first. We've always told him how much she loved him and why she placed him for adoption. So far, no issues yet. We'll deal with them if/when they come up.

And I don't think the child's right trumps the birthparents-both rights are equal. Rather than completely unsealing the records, I like a national registry where you can opt-in if you want to be found and opt-out if you don't.

Regarding medical info, at the time of the adoption, our agency asked the birthparents to fill out a medical info form, so we do have medical information, and I'm so grateful that we do!

 

[Pigeon]

I'm a mother through international adoption. Sadly, my kids will never know anything about their birth parents because there are no records.

I have mixed feelings about this because I do feel for women who made the decision to place a child for adoption with the assurance that the records would be sealed forever.

However, having watched my kids grow up with such a significant void in their lives, I do think that the records should be unsealed. I do think that the rights of the adopted child trump the rights of the birth mother.

While I'm sure that there is fear about having the adoption revealed to others in the case of some women, I can't imagine going through life not knowing what happened to the child I birthed.

 

[Mikelly1221]

For me personally, I wish they weren't closed. Yes I am an adoptee. As I live out my life I am slowly but surely discovering the hard way what medical problems are in my birth parents families. There is so much I need and wish to know about myself. It kills me when I have to say to a doctor - I don't know what I can inherit, or what is in my families medical history, especially when it involves one of my DDs. Yes there is a big void, wondering whats what.

I am going through some medical problems right now which involves tons of pain. I spend most of my days crying. Would of been nice to have a heads up so some of this pain could of been avoided.

I'm so sorry.

I do think that providing medical information to adoptive parents at the time of the adoption should be the standard. I know that's not always possible, esp. in cases of international adoption, but if possible, every effort should be made.

 

[Justanopinion]

There is a huge difference between international adoptions and domestic adoptions and then there are huge differences based on what state the adoptions took place.

I am a birth mother twice. Both in Wisconsin. One was in 1986, the other in 1992. The difference between even those two in the few years they are apart is huge.

Thankfully both of mine were open. I even got to help name both my girls. But with my second, I did have a medical background form I had to fill out that was put in the adoption file and I also was able to sign a form stating that if the child wanted to have the file unsealed after the age of 18 that I was willing for that to happen.

But I agree with PP's, the National Registry is a great idea. Of course, a NR would not cover those international adoptions though. I don't know what the answer is there as I've never thought about it.

In short, I do not think the adopted child's rights trump that of the birthparents. When birthparents made their decision, especially the much older ones, society had much different moral standards. Doubtless there are senior women out there today who have never told their families about the child they relinquished for adoption. And because their moral beliefs are far different than that of today's general population, you can't hold them to today's standards. If a child (now adult) suddenly showed up, it could ruin lives. Senior husbands of a different era definitely might not understand. I can foresee all sorts of trauma. And all the while, the woman is wondering why the promise that no one would ever know was not kept.

I can also say this. My mother is now 65, she was placed for adoption at birth. She was never given any information except that the Dr. who delivered her was the one who handled the adoption way back in 1943. Just by chance, in April of 2005 she was with her mother cleaning out a safety deposit box. There was an evvelope that said "____'s Birth Certificate". My grandmother gave it to her. In that envelope was the original application for adoption form that her birth mother had filled out, it had her birth mother's name, town, and age. My mother immediately called me with the info. and I did a google search. Well, I ended up finding the woman within 24 hours but did not get to speak to her for another month. She had to wait until she could get away from her husband to call. She had married a year after having my mom, and never told her husband, her kids or anybody else. There were a few family members who knew because they were around when it happened but most of them had passed on already. She was then able to talk to my mom a few times and they made arrangements to meet at Thanksgiving. She ended up telling her kids almost immediately but did not tell her husband until my mother had plane tickets in hand to come visit. This woman by this time was in her 80's and scared to death that her husband would kick her out. The entire family ended up accepting us all with open arms. It was wonderful. She then passed away less than a year later. She said she was so glad for that one Thanksgiving visit. Her kids said that had mom called after she had passed they would have blown her off, but if she had showed up on their doorstep they coulnd't have turned her away because my mom looks like their mother more than any of them do.

We were also able to get from her my mother's bio father's name. We choose not to persue anything with him because he passsed away almost 15 years ago and had 10 other kids.

 

[Camicar]

I think it is heinous that promises are made and then broken, especially when they are made in writing. I fail to see how that is not actionable because a contract has been broken.

I feel particularly strongly about this because I know a family in which the agency broke their word about confidentiality and it had a tragic result. The woman had given the baby up for adoption because the pregnancy was the result of a particularly heinous rape. She had moved away from town, started a new life for herself, got married, had kids and had never told anyone of her first child or the rape. Thirty years later, said child -- now a 30 year old adult -- shows up on the doorstep. Birth mother is not home. Child tells husband that she is woman's daughter, and that she was the result of a rape. Long story short: woman committed suicide. This was a tragedy that could have and should have been prevented if the agency had abided by their written contract to keep all information confidential and at the very least the birth mother deserved notification of the loss of her privacy.