"The Locator".. Adoption question..

[Stacerita]

I think it is cruel to have sealed adoption records-I belong to an adoptees group and the mental anguish many of these people go though is horrible, and they are no longer children but adults that still have these scars and feelings of abondonment and not knowing where they belong. I found my birthmom after years of searching but some are not as lucky- they just have to wonder their whole lives.
I would not have a child until I located my birth mother to see if there were any issues I should be aware of before having my own child.

I think the childs rights totally trump the birthparents - they lost their rights when they did what they did and all records should be open so adoptees can be able to get potentially life saving medical info and know where they came from.

I do not see anything cruel about sealing records. Everyone has reasons why they do something. Maybe the only way a women will go the adoption route is with the knowledge that is will remained sealed. A woman has other choices, but at least she made the choice to give the child to someone who wanted them. Nothing cruel about that.

And no, the rights of the child do not trump that of the birthparents. If they want to keep them sealed, that is their right to do so. I do not believe medical information should be withheld though. But the records themselves should be kept sealed if that is what they wanted.

I'm a mother through international adoption. Sadly, my kids will never know anything about their birth parents because there are no records.

I have mixed feelings about this because I do feel for women who made the decision to place a child for adoption with the assurance that the records would be sealed forever.

However, having watched my kids grow up with such a significant void in their lives, I do think that the records should be unsealed. I do think that the rights of the adopted child trump the rights of the birth mother.

While I'm sure that there is fear about having the adoption revealed to others in the case of some women, I can't imagine going through life not knowing what happened to the child I birthed.

Exactly. There may be some women out there who might choose to not go the adoption route if they know that there is a possiblity that the records can be unsealed. You never know the circumstances of why she gave the child up for adoption.

I think it is heinous that promises are made and then broken, especially when they are made in writing. I fail to see how that is not actionable because a contract has been broken.

I feel particularly strongly about this because I know a family in which the agency broke their word about confidentiality and it had a tragic result. The woman had given the baby up for adoption because the pregnancy was the result of a particularly heinous rape. She had moved away from town, started a new life for herself, got married, had kids and had never told anyone of her first child or the rape. Thirty years later, said child -- now a 30 year old adult -- shows up on the doorstep. Birth mother is not home. Child tells husband that she is woman's daughter, and that she was the result of a rape. Long story short: woman committed suicide. This was a tragedy that could have and should have been prevented if the agency had abided by their written contract to keep all information confidential and at the very least the birth mother deserved notification of the loss of her privacy.

That is horrible.

 

[ChrizJen]

I haven't had a chance to read all of the replies yet, but I think that adoption records should be kept closed if that's what's agreed upon.

However, I think that if one party decides down the road that they would like to have them opened, then that should be an option. Obviously, all parties involved would have to be on board before any kind of search took place.

That said, I've never known an adopted person who didn't at least have some curiosity about their birth parents.

On the other end of the spectum, I wonder how many birth moms out there chose to keep the records sealed, and then later regretted it? Giving a child up for adoption is a very difficult, emotional thing. I can see wanting to wash your hands clean of it when you're in the heat of the situation. But I can also see years down the road wishing you could just catch one glance of the person that child grew up to be.

It's a very sticky subject, because it involves emotions and decisions being made under very difficult circumstances.

 

[jodifla]

I think it is cruel to have sealed adoption records-I belong to an adoptees group and the mental anguish many of these people go though is horrible, and they are no longer children but adults that still have these scars and feelings of abondonment and not knowing where they belong. I found my birthmom after years of searching but some are not as lucky- they just have to wonder their whole lives.
I would not have a child until I located my birth mother to see if there were any issues I should be aware of before having my own child.






I think the childs rights totally trump the birthparents - they lost their rights when they did what they did and all records should be open so adoptees can be able to get potentially life saving medical info and know where they came from.

What???????????

As an adoptee, I certainly don't think my rights trump my mother's. She made a selfless, hard choice, at a time where unmarried pregnancy was extremely difficult, and I'm not about to tromp on her doorstep unwanted.

I like the idea of a registry where connections could be made IF both sides want to.

I can't relate at all to adult adoptees who feel abandoned. My dad told the story of my adoption (which he managed to turn into a slight fairytale) that I felt horrible for all those "regular" kids -- THEIR parents didn't CHOOSE them. They just showed up...how sad, I always thought. I was specifically picked out and CHERISHED.

 

[Stacerita]

What???????????

As an adoptee, I certainly don't think my rights trump my mother's. She made a selfless, hard choice, at a time where unmarried pregnancy was extremely difficult, and I'm not about to tromp on her doorstep unwanted.

I like the idea of a registry where connections could be made IF both sides want to.

I can't relate at all to adult adoptees who feel abandoned. My dad told the story of my adoption (which he managed to turn into a slight fairytale) that I felt horrible for all those "regular" kids -- THEIR parents didn't CHOOSE them. They just showed up...how sad, I always thought. I was specifically picked out and CHERISHED.

I love that.

 

[flying_babyb]

My best freinds father was adopted, He had no desire to know who his birth parents were and never bothered with it. He died at 34. Now his daughter wants to know about her dads health history and other things listed in the adoption records. She has to petition the courts just to get these records. I think there needs to be new policies to prevent these issues.

 

[sdarwkcabemanmy]

I think if a person, once they turn 18, want to find out who their birth parents are they should be allowed to. Whether they actually contact the birth parents, have a relationship, etc should be left up to those involved.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

If I recall I did fill out a health history.

I wasn't adopted, neither were my kids however each of them have had serious medical issues that had nothing to do with my health history.

I put my faith in get reg. checkups and screenings.

I do think it should be a mandatory thing to fill out some health history.

 

[C.Ann]

What???????????

As an adoptee, I certainly don't think my rights trump my mother's.

I like the idea of a registry where connections could be made IF both sides want to..

---------------------------------

I agree.. I also like the idea of a National Registry..

The only thing that I wish I had was medical information about my birth father and his family.. At the very least, all adopted children should have access to family medical histories..

 

[wall*e2008]

I think that the medical background should definitely be avail to the adoptee. There should also be a path where the adoptee can petition the state, when they are of legal age, for contact with the birth parents. The birth parents can do the same. If both parties contact the state then the information is given out.

I know that open adoptions is a huge reason that so many do international adoptions.

 

[leight]

This is a topic very dear to my heart. Both Dh & I are adoptees in fairly successful reunions. We met at an adoption search group 15 yrs ago- prior to internet searches. I worked with adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents and have come up with my own 'plan'.

A national registry that is highly publicized so that birth parents and adult adoptees over 21 are aware of it's availability. Both or either party will have the ability to obtain Non-identifying info about the other party by registering. Either party can opt out of contact.

There will be conditions- birth parents will have to choose to opt out of contact every year. The first time they do this- they will have to provide up to date medical info and a written note explaining why the adoption placement was chosen. Every year afterward they will just have to send notification that they want to continue to opt out of contact. If it expires or they chose not to opt out- then the adoptee will be able to search and contact them outside the registry without legal ramifications.

For the adoptee they can register, get the non ident info & their original birth certificate. If they get this and the birth parent is registered as no contact -they get the updated medical info & answer as to why they were placed for adoption. They will not be able to make contact without being charged with unlawful harrassment. If the birth parent has not registered they will be able to search on their own with the new info.

I feel this is fair because the adult adoptee did not sign a legal agreement that signed away our right to our original information. No one has the right to a relationship but I think we have the right to our own history and our children's legacies.

Any thoughts?

 

[Inigo]

I have several cousins who are adopted. They are my cousins regardless of DNA. One of them we know who her biological parents are (because my uncle had an affair, and my aunt his secretary's baby. My uncle didn't have to adopt since he was already the father!)

A couple of my cousins have said they would like to know who their bio parents are, but most say they already know who their parents are so why would they want to meet some strangers who are NOT their parents.

They all say they would like to know any medical issues that might be important.

I think people who place babies for adoption should have the right to their privacy. The adopted child, IMO, does not have the right to know the identity of the biological parent unless the parent agrees. In the same regard, I don't think the biological parent has the right to info about the child unless the child agrees (and if the child is a minor, unless the parents agree.) I do wish there were some mechanism to provide medical information, though, to the child without revealing the bio parents identifying info.

 

[Maryr1]

I think that all adoption situations are different-open,closed,international......People go the route they choose for various personal reasons. I have an adopted child who I choose-eyes open-knowing there was the potential for serious issues. I spent 8 long months seeing the birth mother (who I liked very much) make some very bad choices. In the end my beautiful child was born appearing normal but being seriously developmentally delayed. While a "tween" biologically she is functioning as a 6 or 7 year old. The birth mother wanted a closed adoption, never identified the birth father (for reasons I think were very awful for her-unspeakable) and has never contacted us in all these years. She knows where we live,our phone #, etc. She was well informed when she decided she wanted no contact and very firm about it. As we look at all the options out there for registry, open rolls, unsealing documents-we must not forget the children like my daughter-who will suffer potentially even more trauma and pain if she went to the registry and found what she might view as only more rejection....not understanding the depth of the pandoras box and the complicated trail one must travel on the journey. Do I wish my birth mother had left the door open???? Yes-without a doubt. I would of done anything in my power to help her-even if she had decided to keep my daughter. It was a conversation we had many times. Do I respect her decision-yes, because I owe her that. Do I anticipate a day when I have to try and answer all my daughters painful questions-yes. I will do that to the best of my ability and attempt to help her know the depth of love and courage it took for her birth mom to give her up. So as we look at all the different answers to this difficult problem, I hope we can treat each other with the kindness and respect that each adopted child deserves and be sensitive to the individual challenges that each child faces. Edited to add that medical records were given to us about the birth mom, not including toxicology tests during pregnancy which were refused, nothing on the bio dad as he was never identified.

 

[C.Ann]

This is a topic very dear to my heart. Both Dh & I are adoptees in fairly successful reunions. We met at an adoption search group 15 yrs ago- prior to internet searches. I worked with adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents and have come up with my own 'plan'.

A national registry that is highly publicized so that birth parents and adult adoptees over 21 are aware of it's availability. Both or either party will have the ability to obtain Non-identifying info about the other party by registering. Either party can opt out of contact.

There will be conditions- birth parents will have to choose to opt out of contact every year. The first time they do this- they will have to provide up to date medical info and a written note explaining why the adoption placement was chosen. Every year afterward they will just have to send notification that they want to continue to opt out of contact. If it expires or they chose not to opt out- then the adoptee will be able to search and contact them outside the registry without legal ramifications.

For the adoptee they can register, get the non ident info & their original birth certificate. If they get this and the birth parent is registered as no contact -they get the updated medical info & answer as to why they were placed for adoption. They will not be able to make contact without being charged with unlawful harrassment. If the birth parent has not registered they will be able to search on their own with the new info.

I feel this is fair because the adult adoptee did not sign a legal agreement that signed away our right to our original information. No one has the right to a relationship but I think we have the right to our own history and our children's legacies.

Any thoughts?

-----------------------

The only part I disagree with is the bio parents having to state why the child was placed for adoption.. That information could be obtained when and if there was contact later in life and the bio parent chose to reveal the reason.. (In some cases, it could be a very traumatic event that the bio parent doesn't want to re-live and/or could cause trauma and emotional distress to the child that was placed..)

Unfortunately, if this registry - or even the National Registry others have spoken about - came to be a reality, it would be of no help to me now.. Both of my biological parents are deceased now - as are all of my bio father's relatives..

 

[EMom]

I think the childs rights totally trump the birthparents - they lost their rights when they did what they did and all records should be open so adoptees can be able to get potentially life saving medical info and know where they came from.

I can't even wrap my brain around this logic. When they did what they did? You mean when they chose to give birth and place the child for adoption rather than have an abortion? Let me say, I am pro choice. I would never put myself in the shoes of another woman because thankfully, I was never pregnant, unmarried and with no means of support.

But looking at facts, in Russia it's easier and cheaper to get an abortion than to get your hands on birth control. I believe there are about 2 abortions for every live birth. When you have no job, no hope of getting a job, no home of your own, there is no government assistance, and you know that if your baby gets sick you can't even buy medicine, abortion may look like a pretty logical choice. So hats off to our child's birthmother, who must have taken excellent care of herself to have given birth to an incredibly healthy baby even by US standards and then made the choice to give her a chance at a better life. And yes, I am paraphrasing her words. "What she did" was put my DD ahead of herself by facing reality and realizing DD's future was bleak at best if she stayed in Russia, but if she was adopted, the sky was the limit. I don't think it was an easy decision, but it was the RIGHT decision.

I know women in the US do have it better than in Russia, in that there is government assistance, but it really boils down to the same thing. They could have chosen abortion. Then adopted children wouldn't even be on earth to seek out their records....and that's just the reality of the situation. They could have kept the child, but in many cases, the life would have had hardships that the mother wanted to spare the child from. Some mothers have enough sense to realize love is NOT enough. And some women simply realize they are not ready or able, for whatever reason, to parent a child. To put that child's needs first and decide it needs loving, capable, responsible parents who are prepared for a child is an act of love. Just as I would sacrifice my own life to save my child, birthmothers put their child's well-being first and make an enormous sacrifice.

I never speak disparagingly of our child's birthmother to DD. I doubt she was perfect, but neither am I. She did the best she could. I'm going to give her every benefit of the doubt.

 

[mamacatnv]

This is a topic very dear to my heart. Both Dh & I are adoptees in fairly successful reunions. We met at an adoption search group 15 yrs ago- prior to internet searches. I worked with adoptees, birth parents and adoptive parents and have come up with my own 'plan'.

A national registry that is highly publicized so that birth parents and adult adoptees over 21 are aware of it's availability. Both or either party will have the ability to obtain Non-identifying info about the other party by registering. Either party can opt out of contact.

There will be conditions- birth parents will have to choose to opt out of contact every year. The first time they do this- they will have to provide up to date medical info and a written note explaining why the adoption placement was chosen. Every year afterward they will just have to send notification that they want to continue to opt out of contact. If it expires or they chose not to opt out- then the adoptee will be able to search and contact them outside the registry without legal ramifications.

For the adoptee they can register, get the non ident info & their original birth certificate. If they get this and the birth parent is registered as no contact -they get the updated medical info & answer as to why they were placed for adoption. They will not be able to make contact without being charged with unlawful harrassment. If the birth parent has not registered they will be able to search on their own with the new info.

I feel this is fair because the adult adoptee did not sign a legal agreement that signed away our right to our original information. No one has the right to a relationship but I think we have the right to our own history and our children's legacies.

Any thoughts?

I have a sibling who is adopted and the feelings of abandonment have affected every area of their life. The adoption was private in the state of Calif in the mid 60's - talk about almost unobtainable information. The Atty is long since dead, our mother has mental illness and if she knows anything she took it with her when her mind went and Dad only remembers bit and pieces. Dad was able to give us the Attys name, the pediatrician and the hospital, that is it.
I think 18 should be the age of consent, not 21
I'm torn on the renewal every year for those who chose to opt out. I'll have to think about that one for awhile.
There is a registry but I am not sure how well it is publicized or how well it works. We registered several years ago and never heard a word. Of course by now the birth mom could be dead.
The one point you make that I agree with 100% is the why. I know for my sibling the why is the biggest factor "why did my own mother not want me?" is huge.
I also agree on the availability of medical records.

Adoption does not have the stigma attached to it as it did when my sibling was adopted. Dad seems to remember that the birth mother traveled to Calif. from several states away so that no one would know. Those are some tough social barriers to break. Now a days open adoptions etc. are a benefit to all parties most of the time, but I feel for those adoptees and birth parents who are victims of the era they lived and were born in.

 

[CharityLynn]

My husband is adopted and 2 years ago we went through the steps of locating his birth family, for medical information mostly since we had a daughter and just found out that she was very allergic to penicillian. It cost us nearly $450 to go through the court have the records opened and then to have someone who works for the state to do the search.

Well she located someone with the name and sent a letter to her (not the mother turned out to be a neice) anyways she showed the letters to another family member who recognized the date. This Aunt lives in Virginia and she was there when her sister gave my DH up for adoption. They contacted the birth mom who seemed somewhat interested but was also very lazy and antisocial. The Birth mom never said she didn't want to meet my husband and even went as far as having the aunt send us pictures of the family.

It was kind of neat seeing the resemblence. The Aunt in Virgina was very nice and we chatted with her on the phone, we then were able to talk to his birth grandmother. We actually went out to lunch with her. She was so nice and made us feel very welcome and invited us over the next day. My husband's mom (adopted mom) gave us several albums from when he was growing up to share with the birth family.

We met another Aunt the day we took the albums over, she was nice and actually called and talked to us a couple times. She let us know that his Birth mom was an alcoholic and rarely did anything for herself, she was the baby of 7 children and the family really did everything for her including paying her bills and doing her shopping.

Well we kept talking to the various aunts and found out his birth sister was possibly coming back to Michigan for a visit in 2 months. At this point we had been told they were full brother and sister (same mom and dad) and they were just 2 years apart in age.

He found her on myspace and requested her as a friend never telling her who he was, he just wanted to try and get to know her a bit by looking at her pictures, etc on myspace. He actually did the same thing with a couple of cousins.

We were then told that his mother was having a hard time dealing with it and wasn't sure whe would meet with him. She didn't prohibit contact through the Aunt and grandmother though, probably since we already met them.

When told this he figured he wouldn't be able to meet his sister and that hurt him a bit since they seemed to have a lot in common. He came to the decision to contact her through myspace and tell her about himself.

She seemed surprise but responded that she had known he exisisted. Her mother had told her one night when she was drunk that she had a brother who was adopted in Kalamazoo and his name was Thomas. It is believed her mom said this because the sister was dating a guy from Kalamazoo whose name was Tom and he was adopted.

Well sister contacted another realtive about the "adopted" brother and they didn't have a clue. Which in tunr upset the birth mom when relatives asked her about it. So late one night (3am) we receive a phone call from the second aunt we had met screaming at us calling liars etc etc..

Needless to say it nearly killed my husband. She told him he was trash that he didn't deserve to be alive because her sister was now crying about the fact that it had gotten out. She threatened us, to the point my husband thought about getting a gun and even moving from our home. (We live in the same town as the birth family)

I think my husband regrets ever searching them and hasn't had any contact with them in a year. I have talked with another aunt in the past year around July, last year. She had just learned about him and wanted him to know that there were members in the family that care about him. He has still decided to not have any contact with them.

I think everyone looks at reunions as a happy time and like gaining a new family but its not always that way. The Locator does show this side of reunions and I love that he done that. I do like this show but I try not to watch it if my husband is around.

 

[alexandmaddie]

double post

 

[alexandmaddie]

That said, I've never known an adopted person who didn't at least have some curiosity about their birth parents.

I actually know two adopted people who don't want to know anything about their birth parents. My brother and my cousin. I do realize that is probably not the norm though.

 

[EMom]

I actually know two adopted people who don't want to know anything about their birth parents. My brother and my cousin. I do realize that is probably not the norm though.

I am not certain you can say WHAT the norm is. I've met plenty of people who have no interest in finding their birth parents and plenty who do. I once met a woman who was part of a big online group of adoptees and she told me that it's common for adoptees to not be that interested in finding birthparents, but still have an interest in locating any birth SIBLINGS. Not being part of that group, I had to take her word for it. Her reasoning was that some adoptees are angry at their birthparents, some are forgiving, some are just disinterested. But the attitude toward birth siblings is that THEY had nothing to do with the adoption decision and were "innocent parties" just like the adoptee, so connecting with them has less baggage. (Her take, not mine.)

I also think that the attitude of 1940s adoptees may very well be different from that of 1960s adoptees. And the attitude of 1980s adoptees will be even more different. As societal attitudes toward adoption change, it makes sense that the feelings of adoptees would as well. So it's hard to generalize about how ALL adoptees feel.

 

[Justanopinion]

I am not certain you can say WHAT the norm is. I've met plenty of people who have no interest in finding their birth parents and plenty who do. I once met a woman who was part of a big online group of adoptees and she told me that it's common for adoptees to not be that interested in finding birthparents, but still have an interest in locating any birth SIBLINGS. Not being part of that group, I had to take her word for it. Her reasoning was that some adoptees are angry at their birthparents, some are forgiving, some are just disinterested. But the attitude toward birth siblings is that THEY had nothing to do with the adoption decision and were "innocent parties" just like the adoptee, so connecting with them has less baggage. (Her take, not mine.)

I also think that the attitude of 1940s adoptees may very well be different from that of 1960s adoptees. And the attitude of 1980s adoptees will be even more different. As societal attitudes toward adoption change, it makes sense that the feelings of adoptees would as well. So it's hard to generalize about how ALL adoptees feel.

I have to agree with much of what you say. As I stated earlier I have two that I have placed for adoption.

My oldest wanted contact and information at a very young age. She ended up finding out who I was when she was in the 5th grade. She found some records her mom had hidden. She ended up moving in with me during high school and we are very close.

On the other hand, my other daughter is very happy and content with her life and wants no contact. I'm fine with that as I have contact with her mom if I need to let them know anything and they have contact with me if she changes her mind.

The hardest part for me right now is that my older ones wants me to release information about the younger one so that she can look her up and I have to honor the wishes of the younger one and give her the privacy she wants.