The insensitive mother strikes again...

[redlight]

I think repetition is the key here. When a comment is made, you can respond "what a mean thing to say", then walk out of the house to your car and drive away. I wouldn't engage her at all in conservations that are demeaning to you and frankly none of her business.

That seems like a good strategy.

Also, are there any people in your family, her age or older, who could give your mother a tongue lashing?

 

[SnowWhite607]

I feel your pain, my mother is very passive aggressive. She acts like a 4 year old when she doesnt get her way or when things dont go exactly as she had planned. She will say something like "well I dont have much longer...." or "well I might as well just die now since nothing ever goes right for me." Then she pouts or cries.

She thinks *she* is the mother to my daughter and she can tell ME what she is going to do with her, instead of asking me. Uh uh, no way. We got in a big argument about that right before Christmas.

She will also make comments like "I dont like to wear my shirts too tight cause they cling to my fat around my middle, do yours ever do that?" knowing full well that they do. She is maddening!

I hate to say it cause I feel like God will pnish me but she calls me every day, sometimes 3-4 times a day and sometimes I just think about not picking up. If I dont, she will call 400 times and leave messages like "its 9pm, where are you? Are you okay? Maybe I should call the police..." or either "Are you screening your calls? Its your MOTHER, pick up!"

<sorry to hijack your thread. It just felt so good to vent, LOL!>

 

[Bluestars]

I'm sorry your mother makes such mean comments to you. I have a daughter in her 20s and have never commented about her weight. She has some health issues that make staying in shape a struggle, but she tries the best she can.

I wish all of the people who make comments to other people about their weight would realize they are not helping the situation.

You don't have any control over the things she says, but you do have control over listening to them. You can hang up the phone, walk out of the room, or end the conversation. The minute she starts in, I think you should tell her flat out that you will not listen to such negative comments and if the topic doesn't change, you don't want to continue having the conversation.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...I wish all of the people who make comments to other people about their weight would realize they are not helping the situation...

This is certainly not true. I had no idea how much it bothered my wife that I was gaining weight until she told me. Heck, I had no idea that I had put on so much weight. Her honesty allowed me to see what was happening to my body for the first time, and act to reverse it before it was too late. I think the difference is in my self-image. I was confident enough in myself that I just saw it as a problem to be overcome...

 

[Bluestars]

This is certainly not true. I had no idea how much it bothered my wife that I was gaining weight until she told me. Heck, I had no idea that I had put on so much weight. Her honesty allowed me to see what was happening to my body for the first time, and act to reverse it before it was too late. I think the difference is in my self-image. I was confident enough in myself that I just saw it as a problem to be overcome...

That might be fine for you. But I think that encouraging someone to make positive changes in their life is much better than focusing on the negative. My husband has struggled with his weight throughout the years and I have never said one word to him. When he was ready, he started working out and dieting. But I let him decide what to do with his own body and stood by him no matter how much he weighed.

We both started walking together and encouraged each other. Honestly, I can't ever imagine telling someone I love that their weight bothers me. There is so much more to a person than that. But to each his own. I am glad that worked for you.

 

[jemgumby]

This is certainly not true. I had no idea how much it bothered my wife that I was gaining weight until she told me. Heck, I had no idea that I had put on so much weight. Her honesty allowed me to see what was happening to my body for the first time, and act to reverse it before it was too late. I think the difference is in my self-image. I was confident enough in myself that I just saw it as a problem to be overcome...

Not trying to be rude but of course you had a good self image and were confident because YOU ARE A MAN!!! You don't understand the pressure put upon women by our society to be thin, thin, thin. Women are judged way more on looks then men. Of course you may never understand this until you walk a mile in women's shoes (or heels)! Don't get me wrong I know men can have bad body image, etc. but primarily eating disorders are women's issues and that is because of the society we live in and all the pressure on women to look a certain way. So I have to disagree with you that a woman who is overweight and has to deal with a thin obsessed society should not have to deal with her own mother nagging her about it....

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

... Honestly, I can't ever imagine telling someone I love that their weight bothers me...

Honestly, I don't understand women. What greater demonstration of love is there than honesty and trust? Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Don't ask me if that dress makes you look fat unless you are prepared to hear the word YES. And, if I say yes, know that it comes without judgement, and out of love and respect for the person that asked.

If someone has image issues, they need to deal with them, not ask others to walk on eggshells around them because of their image issues...

 

[tonilea]

My Mom was making little digs about my hair. It is long and she likes it better short. If my hair was ever brought up I started looking at her and saying, "I know you don't like it, but....." and beating her to the dig. LOL It has pretty much stopped.

You might also try embellishing whatever she says in a mildly mocking way.

Mom - Are you going to wear that shirt? It makes you look fat.

Me - I have to wear it, all my tube tops are in the wash!

and there is always:

"Who died and made you the Fat Police?"

 

[minkydog]

This is certainly not true. I had no idea how much it bothered my wife that I was gaining weight until she told me. Heck, I had no idea that I had put on so much weight. Her honesty allowed me to see what was happening to my body for the first time, and act to reverse it before it was too late. I think the difference is in my self-image. I was confident enough in myself that I just saw it as a problem to be overcome...

So glad that worked for you. I had the opposite reaction when DH decided to approach me about my weight. And yes,I knew exactly how much I weighed. Let's just say that things have not gone well for him in certain areas.

 

[Bluestars]

Honestly, I don't understand women. What greater demonstration of love is there than honesty and trust? Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Don't ask me if that dress makes you look fat unless you are prepared to hear the word YES. And, if I say yes, know that it comes without judgement, and out of love and respect for the person that asked.

If someone has image issues, they need to deal with them, not ask others to walk on eggshells around them because of their image issues...

Maybe I should rephrase that. I love my family regardless of a number on a scale. If they are struggling with weight issues, I will not put them down and make negative comments. I see them as a person, not a number on a scale. We all have our issues. Some are just easier to see than others. I don't sugar coat things, I just accept them as they are and am here if they ever would like help. But it's their life and their body.

 

[tonilea]

Honestly, I don't understand women. What greater demonstration of love is there than honesty and trust? Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Don't ask me if that dress makes you look fat unless you are prepared to hear the word YES. And, if I say yes, know that it comes without judgement, and out of love and respect for the person that asked.

If someone has image issues, they need to deal with them, not ask others to walk on eggshells around them because of their image issues...

Men are from Mars.....

 

[jemgumby]

Honestly, I don't understand women. What greater demonstration of love is there than honesty and trust? Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Don't ask me if that dress makes you look fat unless you are prepared to hear the word YES. And, if I say yes, know that it comes without judgement, and out of love and respect for the person that asked.

If someone has image issues, they need to deal with them, not ask others to walk on eggshells around them because of their image issues...

Okay Mr. Man the OP did NOT ASK her mother if she was overweight. Her mother keeps making little digs at her. That is different than asking someone's honest opinion. The OP is not asking her mother to walk on eggshells she just wants her mom to quit being mean. You are talking about something completely different......

 

[bumbershoot]

This is certainly not true. I had no idea how much it bothered my wife that I was gaining weight until she told me. Heck, I had no idea that I had put on so much weight. Her honesty allowed me to see what was happening to my body for the first time, and act to reverse it before it was too late. I think the difference is in my self-image. I was confident enough in myself that I just saw it as a problem to be overcome...

I cannot tell you how much I admire your wife for being able to tell you, and for you for hearing her and doing something about it. Seriously, that's awesome.

One of the two worst days of my marriage was when I finally sat DH down and told him that he had gained way too much weight, and I really needed him to do something about it, and that he was just not healthy. That was one of DH's worst days too; he still gets upset about it (I should state here that we found out 2 years later that a big underlying issue was a pituitary gland tumor causing his body to make the nursing mother hormone, so he is VERY emotional plus he's a sensitive guy to begin with), BUT he heard me and found a scale, and was horrified to see what it said. He is glad I told him, but also so sad.

I actually lost a friend, partially because of that amount of communication. She just doesn't get it; thinks that all negativity in her head is BAD, that she must medicate it ALL away, and if she ever told her husband something like that (or he told her) her marriage would likely end. They keep on doing the "little white lies", and she tried to spark a fight between us by "telling on me" to DH; she just didn't believe that I had told him first, before posting it on my journal.




Anyway, OP, DH's mom is like yours, except she gets even MORE aggressive than yours (and I kind of agree with a PP that your mom isn't passive at all). Second time I saw her, I was happy in a new relationship and had gained a few pounds, and she went OFF on me about how fat I was (I was about 20 lbs above my WW goal, and I'm a very muscular person who has always weighed much more than I look), "how you get so fat", etc etc.

A visit to her isn't complete without her commenting on DH's weight.

And the problem is...she *started* his weight problems by force-feeding him as an infant and toddler, and then growing up the rest of the years, she would plate his food, he had to eat ALL of his food, and then she would get on him if he gained weight. Oh, and it took her until about his junior year of HS to let him do any other sports than martial arts, not even running except for in PE.

And for a long time as an adult, every time she would comment, it would spark a binge. He still looks for food when he's upset (food was given when he was sad or hurt as a kid), and it's not usually an apple!


MIL and I are getting along better now, but she's not giving in on the weight thing. DH eats SO well now, and we're exercising and getting healthier. His bloodwork is getting better and better, he's finally dropping the bulk he had put on (which is something prolactinomas do), but she STILL comments on it.

And worse, and this might be something for you to think about, she comments on DS's weight. Right now, it's all positive, because the kid is all muscle, with a bit of a belly, he's very active and trim. My MIL refuses to understand how that could be. She says that *my brother's* genes must have somehow come through, because my brother is trim and a marathoner. She doesn't know that my brother was a chubby toddler/kid until his sophomore year of HS, and I was actually the very active, trim one! It's just a tiny step from "you're thin because of your uncle" to commenting on any gain, should he get more bulk on him. And bulk is likely to happen, because when we dress him in clothes like MIL put DH in, DS actually looks heavier, just like his dad did when he was little!


Just one more little "share", so you can feel the pain of others.... My MIL knew DH's size when he was little. She KNEW it. But EVERY time they went shopping, she would pick out jeans and shirts in too-small sizes, make DH try them on, and then make a big huge deal about going and getting the Husky sizes. Awful! She knew he had a tummy, and it is just flat out rotten of her to have done that.

I figure that you're either going to need to be absolutely direct...that is rude, that is NOT helping me, you need to stop, etc...or just leave when it starts up.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

So glad that worked for you. I had the opposite reaction when DH decided to approach me about my weight. And yes,I knew exactly how much I weighed. Let's just say that things have not gone well for him in certain areas.

My wife and I came to an understanding about that years ago. She promised that she would never use sex as a tool to get what she wanted or to punish me for my mistakes. She continues to let me believe that she doesn't do those things...

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Okay Mr. Man the OP did NOT ASK her mother if she was overweight. Her mother keeps making little digs at her. That is different than asking someone's honest opinion. The OP is not asking her mother to walk on eggshells she just wants her mom to quit being mean. You are talking about something completely different......

I never asked my wife for her opinion. As my wife, she felt that it was her responsibility to tell me anyway.

Edited to add - the digs are wrong and not helpful. I only responded to the notion that one should never tell someone that they are overweight. If you love someone and you care about their health, you have a responsibility to help them. If they ask you to drop it, you should respect that, too - but that might be hard for a parent worried about their child...

 

[Bluestars]

I never asked my wife for her opinion. As my wife, she felt that it was her responsibility to tell me anyway.

See, I guess I don't get that. I'm sure you knew how much you weighed. Why is it one person's responsibility to point out negative things in another?

I don't think it's my responsibility to tell my husband he weighs too much. It's his body. I could either love it or leave it. I love it no matter how much or little he weighs. I am there to encourage him and support him when he wants to improve it, but I would never, in a million years, say a negative thing about it. My love and acceptance of him is not based on the scale.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

See, I guess I don't get that. I'm sure you knew how much you weighed. Why is it one person's responsibility to point out negative things in another?

I don't think it's my responsibility to tell my husband he weighs too much. It's his body. I could either love it or leave it. I love it no matter how much or little he weighs. I am there to encourage him and support him when he wants to improve it, but I would never, in a million years, say a negative thing about it. My love and acceptance of him is not based on the scale.

Actually, I had not been on a scale in years. I look in the mirror just long enough to comb my hair (and that takes less time every year ). I am about as far from vane as a person can get and have a very positive self image, so I really had no clue. I knew that I had put on "a few pounds", but it was really 50 pounds. Her comments opened my eyes to a problem that I really did not know existed...

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

Look, I don't want this thread taken more off topic, so I'll concede that women are clearly very different on this front and wish the OP the best. However, I still think that she needs to seek counseling for her self-image issues. (And I think that a few other posters in this thread might want to consider it, too.) How can you really enjoy life if you don't love yourself?

Peace...

 

[Bluestars]

DisneyBama, then her comments obviously worked for you. I would guess that more often than not, saying negative things about a loved one's appearance would make them feel rejected and could do a number on their self esteem. With a girl, it could cause them to have an eating disorder. I would rather focus on the positive things about a person and use encouragement.

But again, I am glad it worked for you. I think some people can take negative comments about their body and use that in a positive way.

 

[jemgumby]

Look, I don't want this thread taken more off topic, so I'll concede that women are clearly very different on this front and wish the OP the best. However, I still think that she needs to seek counseling for her self-image issues. (And I think that a few other posters in this thread might want to consider it, too.) How can you really enjoy life if you don't love yourself?

Peace...

Yes women and men are very different on this subject because again eating disorders effects women may more then men. There is much more pressure on women in our society to be thin. That is just the fact. Perhaps you and others like yourself in our society could do more to help the problem rather than just recommend counseling, etc. Perhaps we as a society can quit judging women solely on looks and focus on other things. I personally love the Dove ads where they do just that. Again you will never know what it is like to be a woman and I will never know what it is like to be black, spanish, etc. The point is to show empathy and accpetance.