The insensitive mother strikes again...

[starrzone]

I'll try and not let this get too long, but I do tend to be wordy .

I have never felt that my mother and I had a very good mother/daughter relationship. I know that people and relationships are complicated, but I think the problem stems from the fact that my mother never had the closest relationship with my grandmother (and that's siplifying things...I could write a book). Who knows...I'm neither a psychic nor a professional, so that's just an assumption.

I posted awhile back about how my mother told me that if I didn't lose weight, I wouldn't "meet the criteria" to be in my cousin's wedding snooty: FYI, my cousin a) would never, EVER accept/decline ANYONE to be in her wedding party on the basis of size; and b) she isn't even HAVING a wedding ceremony). So, her comment was bascially a passive-agressive way of telling me that I need to lose weight. Fine; I got lots of good advice here (thanks, everyone), and I dealt with the comment.

So, back to what happened yesterday...my SO got me a subscription to a well-known women's magazine for my birthday a few weeks ago because I buy the magazine every month anyway (I thought this was SO sweet ). I was at my parents' and mentioned that I had gotten my first magazine recently and that I loved the gift. She said..."Do you think he got you that subscription because he wants you to slim down? I think if a man did that, that's what he would be trying to say". I was SPEECHLESS. I walked away, and as I did so, I heard her say "You don't think so?".

I am SICK of her passive-agressiveness. I KNOW I need to lose weight; I live with it every day. Every time I try to go to her and say "What you said really hurt my feelings", she basically says "I'm only trying to help you", or something along those lines. Poor SO is caught in the middle of this, and I feel horrible; he overheard one of her comments, so he knows what she can be like...but he's so good at listening when I've had a bad day with her and he's there for me. It just does NOTHING for my self esteem; I also suffer from depression, which I don't think she understands.

Thanks for letting me vent...I especially like hearing from the moms who have 20-something daughters, as I feel like you women honestly listen to what I have to say more than my own mother does. Thanks so much .

 

[padams]

I have a passive aggressive mom. I understand.

BTW, do you really even want to be a bridesmaid in a family wedding? I figured out by my late 20s that it was much better to be a guest- no ugly dress, no rehearsal, no assisting with the festivities, just hanging out by the food and drink.

 

[Sandy V.]

Well, as the mother of a 22 year old daughter (and an almost 20 year old son), I think your mom is a heaping helping of jerkish, insensitve, meanness.

However, instead of being rendered speechless, I would in no uncertain terms say, "Mom, that was very rude and uncalled for" and I would leave her house (or wherever I was if it wasn't MY home) and restrict the amount of time I spent with her. Life is too short to spend it with buttheads.

Hugs.

 

[JessicaR]

I'm sorry her insensitive comments hurt your feelings. Sounds like she suffers from speaking before thinking! I would consider speaking to her when you are calm and not upset over any recent comments. Sit her down and tell her point blank...your comments are mean, I am your daughter, you need to love me unconditonally. If you are unable to talk to me without hurting my feelings, please don't talk to me at all. Let her know also that making comments about your weight is NOT productive and will NOT get a positive result.

Mother/daughter relationships can be so complicated.

 

[starrzone]

I have a passive aggressive mom. I understand.

BTW, do you really even want to be a bridesmaid in a family wedding? I figured out by my late 20s that it was much better to be a guest- no ugly dress, no rehearsal, no assisting with the festivities, just hanging out by the food and drink.

Luckily, my cousin and her fiancee have decided to go down to the Caribbean, just the 2 of them, and get married that way . With the size of both families, and the potential for drama, I think it's a great idea! And you know what? If she HAD asked me to, I would have declined anyway; it's just not something I'm interested in doing.

Well, as the mother of a 22 year old daughter (and an almost 20 year old son), I think your mom is a heaping helping of jerkish, insensitve, meanness.

However, instead of being rendered speechless, I would in no uncertain terms say, "Mom, that was very rude and uncalled for" and I would leave her house (or wherever I was if it wasn't MY home) and restrict the amount of time I spent with her. Life is too short to spend it with buttheads.

Hugs.

Awwww...thanks . I think that's the key; say somthing straight to the point, not rude, and leave right after I say it to give her time to think.

 

[Disney Doll]

I think you are absolutely right that your mother is mean when she says things like this.

I also think that it is not the 1st time it has happened, nor will it be the last. Your mother is not going to change. Your "not very good" mother/daughter relationship is not going to change.

So, you need to think about a few things:
1. What kind of relationship do you want with your mother?
2. What kind of relationship do you have with your mother?
3. How much of a change to the dynamics of the relationship do you think you can make?
4. How much of a change to the dynamics of the relationship do you want to make?
5. How much of your life do you want to spend on this?

Realistically, I doubt your mother will change much. if she's over 65, she's probably fairly set in her ways, doesn't think she's wrong and doesn't know how to have a good mother/daughter relationship because she did not ahve one with her own mother.

Soooo...that means changing yourself. Change your reaction to her. Decide how you want to react when your mother makes comments about your weight and then react that way.

Want to explode? Then do so...but be prepared for the fallout of that, which will probably be no relationship with your mother.

Want to ignore her? Then ignore her. Don't react, change the subject, consider the source, your mother, who is being a nasty small-minded individual.

I can tell you that my mother is sometimes very annoying. She has been known to make comments about my weight, about some of the choices DH & I make etc. She's also almost 84, and has tried, in her own way, to be a good mother. So I ignore her for the most part when she makes hurtful statements, or I say something to the effect of "Mom, let's change the subject" when she starts getting a little "abrasive" because I have decided that I don't want to spend the last few years I will probably have with my mother fighting with her or disliking her. I assume that because she is almost 84, she is losing her "filter" as many old folks do. I can generally look at her with amusement and on the days I can't, I just try and remember that throughout her life she has tried to be the best mother she could and, for the most part, has succeeded. And I'm not going to spend my days being angry or even ruminating about the hurtful things she says because I don't like to give anyone that much power over me.

 

[MIGrandma]

Well, I'm a Mom but my DD isn't 20-something anymore, she's 31, but still...

I feel so sorry for you having to put up with comments like that from your mother. Would she ever consider going to counseling with you? She doesn't seem to understand how she's hurting you, so if it were me I would ask her to go with me. If she wouldn't then I would tell her to just stop with the weight loss comments. They are hurtful and they don't help. If she wouldn't stop then I would severely limit my time spent with her, and if she asked me why I would tell her the reason.

My Mom has occasionally made comments about my weight as well. Like "that top makes you look like you've gained weight? have you?" I just look at her, pause and then tell her how hurtful that was. She has gotten better about it, but I know how it makes you feel.

If nothing else this is going to prepare you for how not to treat your own DD if you have one someday.

 

[Liberty Belle]

Ugh. I hate that for you.

If you can, you should call/email/etc your mom and assertively say, "My weight is not up for discussion. I do not want you to make a comment about my weight again." Then, if she does, leave (if she's at your house, tell her it's time for her to leave).

Maybe your SO could step up the affection towards you when your mom is around to show her that you are desirable at any weight.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

We talk about healthy eating habits and weight issues in our home a lot. There are many obese people in our family (both sides). My wife and I work hard to avoid that trap. I am not sure that my comments would end if one of my sons became obese as an adult. To me, it would be like ignoring a decision to smoke. I would try to be tactful, but I would probably bring it up.

If you want to lose weight, do it. If you are depressed over your weight (or anything else), get help. If you are happy with your weight but it is an unhealthy weight, at least work out to keep your cardiovascular and pulmonary systems strong.

Good luck with your mother. Maybe including her in your plans would get her off your back...

 

[Jennasis]

While shopping for a bathing suit to take on my honeymoon, about 2 months before my wedding, my mother corners me in the fitting room, while I am wearing a nice two-piece and standing in front of the mirror and BEGS ME TO LOSE WEIGHT BEFORE THE WEDDING. She caps off the request with a "please...do it for me."

DH was livid when I told him. I'll be honest, I was speechless at the time. Like getting punched in the gut. I was full of "I shoulda said..." about an hour later, and luckily DH was still angry and let her have it with both barrels. She has never mentioned my weight again, or my health at all. It's even more maddening that mom would say that since BOTH of my sister's have severe eating disorders (one is bulemic, the other bulemic/anorexic and was hospitalized in the eating disorder ward.)

You need to tell your mom that she is out of line and she is never to mention your weight to you again ever, either outright or in a roundabout way.

 

[The Mystery Machine]

Part of the issue is that you have to limit your personal life with her. She is who she is. My mom is going to be 72 next month and not going to change. I have to keep apologizing to my brother's GF's about how crazy she is.

You keep wanting her to be a mom you never had and be "girlfriend-like".

So you share your excitement about the gift your DH gave you and it does not play out how you wanted it to.

Instead it plays out typically for your mother.

It takes practice, trust me. Eventually you get better at it if you work on what you tell her.

Oh and next time she brings up the weight tell her it makes for better sex or something along those lines.

 

[DisneyBamaFan]

...Oh and next time she brings up the weight tell her it makes for better sex or something along those lines.

You know what, that would probably work. Get really graphic...

 

[starrzone]

Oh and next time she brings up the weight tell her it makes for better sex or something along those lines.

Love this! I just might say it, lol!

 

[minkydog]

Well, as the mother of a 22 year old daughter (and an almost 20 year old son), I think your mom is a heaping helping of jerkish, insensitve, meanness.

However, instead of being rendered speechless, I would in no uncertain terms say, "Mom, that was very rude and uncalled for" and I would leave her house (or wherever I was if it wasn't MY home) and restrict the amount of time I spent with her. Life is too short to spend it with buttheads.

Hugs.

THis is the gospel truth. I also have a mother who makes digs at my weight(and my hair, and my kids, it never ends ) When she starts in with her "helpful" advice I cut her off and tell her we've had this discussion before and the subject is off-limits. Be prepared to leave the scene after you say this, or your words will have no teeth.

People who engage in passive-aggressive are NOT trying to help, they're trying to forward their particular agenda. I don't care if you weight 450-lbs, your weight is none of anyone's business. Your mother understands that you have depression, she just doesn't care. A lot of people think you can "snap out of it if you just try." oy~ Understand that YOU cannot change her ways. She is not interested in changing her ways because it gets exactly the rise she's looking for. So stop playing her game. When she starts up, end the discussion. Leave the house and go home. I guarantee you she will be mad and say she doesn't understand. So what? Is it better for YOU to keep laying down and letting her wipe her feet on you? That's codependent behavior and it can KILL you. Ask me how I know...

ETA: My MIL tried this stuff with me once or twice.She is a very thin, body-conscious woman. A couple times she mentioned my weight and I just shot back with "You know, I didn't realize how old you were until now. Did you know your roots are showing?"

 

[luvsJack]

OP, I know exactly how you feel. My mom can do the same thing sometimes.

Most of the time we are like best friends and then one day I walk in and she says, "you really should do something with your hair". I just got it cut and spent half the day having it styled (its just not what she is used to) or I pick up a cookie and she says "that's not on your diet. You are on a diet aren't you?".

I used to get all bent out of shape about it and we would have big arguments over it. But, I finally realized she is not doing it to hurt me, she really thinks she is being helpful and I have learned to just accept her as she is. I didn't want to end our relationship, I love my mom; so I had to go at things differently or go crazy. So I just accept her and love her as she is. When she says something like that, I just say "really, you think so?" or "no, probably not, but just one cookie won't hurt". And go on from there. Sometimes I have to grit my teeth or decide the visit is coming to an end, but I don't allow it to get to the point of my being angry for days on end.

You really cannot change how people act, the only thing you can change is how you react.

 

[NMAmy]

Want to ignore her? Then ignore her. Don't react, change the subject, consider the source, your mother, who is being a nasty small-minded individual.

Your mother sounds a lot like how my grandmother was. She could always manage to find your insecurities and, under the guise of helping, would dig the knife in. Out of everyone in my family, I got along best with her because from a very young age, I'd do what Disney Doll stated above. My sisters and my mother would stand toe to toe with Nana and argue incessantly. I would say something along the lines of, "I'll think about that" and the subject was dropped. I didn't have to do what she said to get her off my back but would just acknowledge that I'd heard her and it didn't really get my goat the way she'd hoped. She was an old lady and wasn't going to change a lifetime of behavior--I could, however, choose my reaction.

I'm sorry, I know it's hard. My own mom and I had some rocky times but I remember how HER mother was and try to cut her some slack.

 

[shortbun]

I don't think your mother is at all passive. I think she is directly agressive and mean. Tell her when she makes those kind of remarks it furthers the hurt she put on you when you were young that made you gain the weight to begin with. Ask her to compliment you from now on about the things she likes about you and to keep her mouth shut about things you obviously don't need her advice. You could tell her that when you want her advice, you'll ask for it. I'm not kidding, she needs to stop because she's damaging you each time she strikes. After you tell her once how she's making you feel, ignore her.

 

[onelilspark]

My Nana is like that. Not directly saying anything about weight, more like when I reach for chips she says, "do you know how many calories are in that bag?" I just say, "Nope." And put a chip in my mouth. She always offers half sandwiches for lunch to the females around and "Will one sandwich be okay for you?" to the guys. Now, I offer to make her lunch. That way I can control what I'm eating and I come across as being a helpful Granddaughter

The thing is, I spent a lot of time being angry at the comments when I was a teen. To me, it's wasted effort now. She's not going to change. She's a lovely caring woman, do I really want to jeopardize a relationship because she doesn't think before she speaks?

I think you should really think about what outcomes your actions will have. Are you willing to have a strained relationship with your Mom over weight? That's a question only you can answer.

 

[sunnyday123]

Are we sisters? My mom is constantly on me about my weight. She'll even stop in the middle of a store if we're out, pick out a shirt, and say "Isn't that cute? I'd buy it for you but I don't think it will..." and then walk away. She brought me a tote bag back from their cruise because she didn't think any of the shirts would fit me. Seriously? I'm about 30 lbs overweight. She told all of my family if they saw slim fast on sale to buy it for me. I have 3 cases of the stuff in my garage and I don't use it or like it.

The final straw was when she had my DD over the summer for a week at the beach. The entire time she was on her about what she was eating, she was going to get fat, people would make fun of her, etc. She actually said this to her. DD called me crying. I drove to the beach-2 hours away at 8pm to get her, called off work the rest of the week, and yelled so loud by Aunt heard me two houses away. I refused to speak to her for a month and then only by email. I explained to her exactly how much it hurt me for her to always criticize me, ( this has gone on my entire life-my hair looks crappy,why do I dress the way I do, my house is a mess, I breathe wrong, you get the idea ) and that as an adult I didn't need a Mother anymore and would choose my daughter over anyone. If that is how she was going to act in our relationship, so be it, but it would be the last time she heard from me.

She only caved because my Step-father wondered what was going on. It hurts to realize your Mother isn't like other peoples, but you have to stand up for yourself. I do think it's helped me become a better Mother, because I would drink Drain-o before I ever treated my DD this way. I just don't think you can change people, but you can change the way you react to them.

 

[okeydokey]

I think repetition is the key here. When a comment is made, you can respond "what a mean thing to say", then walk out of the house to your car and drive away. I wouldn't engage her at all in conservations that are demeaning to you and frankly none of her business.