The Battle For My Wallet V: Beyond the Number IV (Chapter Eighteen, p.75, 5/18)

[Frickles]

she's back

 

[1000thhappyhaunt]

she's back

Actually, maybe you should start with an easier target... a bigger target... the ultimate in "trainer butts":

 

[ZZUB]

MEL!
Look kids, it's our crazy, drunken Aunt from up north! She's back! With a vengeance. Just like the stomach virus. Only without as much charm.

Mel, if I was the kind of guy who cared about people like you, I'd be glad to see you back. As it is, I spit Swiss Cake Roll all over my desk and uttered, "cuss!" when I saw your sorry avatar on my TR.

Then I was even madder b/c I wasted precious Swiss Cake Roll on the spit take. Now my secretary thinks I'm really weird b/c she found me licking chunks of chocolate cake with gooey white filling off my desk.

Again.

Third time this week.

I have, however, been faithfully lurking all along.

I'll take a faithful lurker over an unfaithful poster any day of the week. Glad to have you back is what I'm saying.

It just didn't seem right taking a bakery cake with all of the flowers and icing trimming it and not putting anything in the middle . . .Next time I'll use "We'll Miss You Zzub!

And in exchange, I will start having God Bless You Greta put on all of my cakes.

2. A warm puppy, kitten or footlong sub. Extra mayo.

Funniest dadgum thing I've read all day. Which includes Hillary's assurances that she's "in it to win it." (I don't mind that she stays in the race, I mind that she's speaking in bad cliches.).

I have six stitches in my chin. TFI.

Six?! Dude, how big is your chin?!!

Little incident involving a footrace, platform flipflops, a daring but miscalculated leap, a large rock. And...errr.... my face.

Your pain is our gain. Seriously, no one else's mishaps make me laugh so hard. I'm handing out a lot of left handed compliments this week.

I know that you know that I know that you know I'm a idiot.

We had shirts printed.

I sent myself and my chin flowers.

Judging from the number of stiches it took, I would imagine your chin lives in a different zipcode than you do.

Can you please send me a tube of Mederma?

A tube of Lotrimin is on its way. Make sure to apply it GENEROUSLY.

Welcome back, Mel. Really. (chokes, spits, falls down). Isn't it about time for you to be taking another trip to Disney World and starting another Trip Report which you'll promptly abandon?

 

[LaLa]

So does this mean we can call you Crackhead?

Good to see you, Melly.

We've missed you and your funny, sweet butt.

 

[1000thhappyhaunt]

MEL!


A tube of Lotrimin is on its way. Make sure to apply it GENEROUSLY.

ZZUB!

I'll take that tube of Lotrimin.

In return, a tube of Canadian raw sewage is on its way to you. Also...a tanker truck full of Dioxin.

You're so welcome, BBud.

Oh.


I ALSO spit something on the screen here when I saw: "MEL!"

I think it was teeth. B/c I managed to loosen a few with the accident.

So.

That's.

Not very good.

Anywho... my chin isn't that big normally. But, you're right, that's a lot of stitches. It was a big cut actually... and while I was sitting on the ground getting myself back together... I was catching literally handfulls of blood into my cupped hands.

Bloody handfulls of blood dripping from my flapping chin wound. Into my hands.

(Now...then... what's on your keyboard right NOW? Dude? Is it your lame ranch salad lunch????! My little squeamish friend!)


Heh. Heh.

Where was I???


Oh yeah... my chin is normally not so LARGE. NOyourego.

But... with the swelling.... it's pretty big now, yep, temporarily. Tho.

I kinda look like Leno, Rummer Willis, Ashley Simpson, Hillary Swank, Jennifer Anniston and...errrr... Reese Witherspoon. And Prince Charming. From Shrek.

What I'm saying is... that I'm pretty hot.

Now.

Dude.


With the big chin. In addition to my broken nose, lazy eye and soul patch.

Anywho... I know you're just worried about me, ZZUB. As usual. And I say to you: Remember...big girls don't cry, WWUBie.

Now then...


I really missed you!!!!


Except for the "YOU" part.


I musta missed sumpin', though.


Blech.


Cheers, Mel.

 

[Sleeping*Beauty]

Welcome back Mel!

 

[Backstage_Gal]

Welcome back, Mel! EEk on the injuries!!!!!!!1111

I think ZZub is having a mental BGsomething cake now!

 

[AshClan]

Way to brighten up a rainy day!! Thanks for showing your lovely, albeit bruised and scarred, self, Mel! We missed ya, woman!!

Nice to see you haven't lost your touch. (Although you have evidently lost some blood, skin, teeth, and perhaps eyesight.) Would it make you feel any better to know that I dropped a can of beans onto my big toe last weekend (from 5 feet up) and am now walking with a limp? And 1/2 a missing toenail? Sorry, La, forgot to take a picture.

Hey, Z, I think this calls for an early chapter. Dontcha think?

 

[LaLa]

Would it make you feel any better to know that I dropped a can of beans onto my big toe last weekend (from 5 feet up) and am now walking with a limp? And 1/2 a missing toenail? Sorry, La, forgot to take a picture.

I think we're gonna need a more detailed description. Don't hold back, Ash.

 

[mikymouse]

Mel, Your abanonded trippie with mutliple inappropriate footwear choices was unforunate foreshadowing for your recent troubles. I posted a picture for you over there, hope it make you smile but not enough to pop your stiches.

Very glad to see you and your funny are back. Nothing makes the time until "Update Monday" go faster than a Mel posting.

 

[tina_la]

MEL does this mean we will actually see a finished trip report soon?..... didn't think so. Good to have you back even if it is in pieces.

 

[JKMJ441724]

It's ALSO like:
1. MY senior year at Alabama. Too. (Roll Tide)
2. A warm puppy, kitten or footlong sub. Extra mayo.
3. A sunrise
4. A sunset
5. A Tequila Sunrise
6. But not the movie "Tequila Sunrise" which is a vast abyss of lameosity not unlike this tripe. Heh heh.
7. Dwarfs.
8. Yes. The movie. This time. (Obviously)
9. Lemon in sweet tea.
10. La La's trippies.
11. Cheese including french cheeses. Yup.
12. OHIP

13. Piano Man

Oh yeah: The MARIE ANTOINETTE thingie popped my stitches.
Yeah.
I have six stitches in my chin. TFI.
Little incident involving a footrace, platform flipflops, a daring but miscalculated leap, a large rock. And...errr.... my face.
I know that you know that I know that you know I'm a idiot.
Moving on.


And all of THAT to say this:


I sent myself and my chin flowers.
From you.
HEh heh. HEhhhehheh.

That had me laughing so hard I popped my stitched - IN MY FOOT!!!

 

[PixieDustandEeyore]

this was an amazing TR i stumbled upon it and i ended up reading all of your trip reports man your daughter sounds like the sweetest girl alive hope you enjoy your next trip!

 

[ZZUB]

Chapter Seventeen: Easter Eggs

As we walked away from the Cake I Love, we wandered through the Magic Kingdom in a carefree fashion. We had no real concrete plans for the day. Just hit some of our favorites. Wander lonely like a cloud.

We had an ADR at Crystal Palace for dinner but we weren’t committed to keeping it. It was like the 3d piece of gum I take with me to church every week. It’s there more for an emergency, not because I ever chew through the first two pieces.

The Magic Kingdom is fun as all get out when you’re making a commando-like assault on the rides. Running from Space Mountain to Splash Mountain, hitting all the E-tickets before lunch time. Eating meals at off hours so you can ride, ride, ride during lunch and dinner. I’m all about frenetic activity. But MK is just as much fun, maybe even more so, when you’re just walking through it. In a Gerald Ford like trance.

Not only is it fun to just happen upon the rides and attractions, it’s pretty dadgum fun to watch people run around in near hysteria because they’re afraid they’re “going to miss it!”

Eventually, we landed in Tomorrowland and rode Buzz Lightyear a time or two. Then, spotting my hero across the plaza in front of Carousel of Progress, we headed over to see him. I’ve been teaching ZZUBY how to take pictures and she’s pretty darn good at it, too. So as we were waiting in line, she asked if she could take my picture with Buzz. I quickly said, “sure.” It was a MUCH better explanation for why I was having my picture taken with Buzz Lightyear. Less frightening than the truth: “I’m an almost middle aged guy whose list of heroes includes a cartoon character.”

He's not actually someone I look up to. But of all the Disney characters, he's the one I like the most. Buzz Lightyear is funny, loyal and has something of a hero complex. I reckon those are qualities I admire. In a cartoon character. He also vaguely favors me physically.

If you've been reading my Trip Reports for very long, you have probably noticed we don't post pictures of ourselves. There are reasons for that. And no, it's not because we're criminally ugly. So I cannot and will not post the entire picture ZZUBY took of me and my boy Buzz. But here's a part of it. Even from this limited view you can tell how much me and Buzz look alike.

FYI: the full picture is well-framed. ZZUBY did a good job. We rode COP, Monsters Inc. and the PeopleMover and then moseyed on over for dinner at Crystal Palace. It was a rather pedestrian affair. So middling it doesn’t even rate a metaphor or simile. Our dinner at Crystal Palace hardly warrants the attention this four sentence paragraph gives it.

In other words, the peel-n-eat shrimp were a little gamey.

The true highlight of our meal was the two women, either mother and daughter or middle aged sisters, Patty and Selma if you catch my meaning, sitting to our right. They seemed quite annoyed by all the noise and fuss of Crystal Palace. As if they expected a character meal geared to small children would be quiet. Their frustration was amusing and although I tried to engage them in conversation, they would have none of it. Quite obviously, they had taken a vow of frowns.

After dinner, we strollered up and headed off into the night. I remember reading someplace that ToonTown is best after dark. Because most parents with small children have fled the Magic Kingdom. It’s less crowded. So we headed that direction. No sooner had we gotten there, then we realized we had been misled. If only the voters in North Carolina were as astute.

Still, we pressed on. Mrs. Z needed to nurse the baby so she took off to find “a quiet place without a crowd.” I took ZZUBY to see Mickey’s House.

Our night in ToonTown was a comedy of long lines, bad smells and a mounting urgency to flee the zip code. If Toontown actually has a zip code. The experience was so curious, it led me to rhyming couplets.

Ode to a Commode: Toontown After Dark

Toontown, Toontown. Toontown after dark,
Crowded and smelly, and filled with snark,
Mickey’s house is pungent, it reeks of sweat,
Dirty socks, and damp t’shirts, the worst smells yet,
A smell so bad it makes us flee,
I choke and retch from the stench of pee.
Pee? Yes pee. It reeked of pee!
The vapors from which you could almost see,
Out in the night, fresh air we inhaled,
But the streets were so crowded my toe got nailed
By a reckless cad on an ECV,
Which actually was more pleasant than the stench of pee.
Pee? Yes pee. It reeked of pee!
Disgusting it was, the House of Mickey.

To find the princesses was my daughter’s aim,
Not getting peed on or stepped on was my new game.
We stood in a line that did not end,
We waited forever without a friend,
It was hot and muggy, stinky too,
The late Sammy Davis Jr. was himself a Jew,
Pee would be roses compared to the stench of that queue.
We’d traded pee for the pungent odor of poo.
Poo? Yes, poo. But what could be done?!
ZZUBY wanted to see princesses, there was no way to run.
Eventually Disney princesses we did see,
Cinderella, Rain Black and Sleeping Beauty.
Not worth the wait, our time in line,
Snap, snap, smile, smile we were out in no time,
Forced into a dump shop, most correctly named,
Crappy toys and prizes; more smells of the same.
Poo? Yes poo. But also sweat and pee,
It was an ironic and filthy potpourri.

In walked Mrs. Z, baby in tow,
She looked quite annoyed, her stack ready to blow,
She’d found a quiet bench all alone, all right,
The spot seemed ideal, but she was in for a fright,
No sooner would she begin to fill the baby full,
When in came a train loaded down with people.
A full view of her nursing task they did not see,
She had properly covered her work rightfully,
Still she was embarrassed to have a train-full of stares,
Me? I said, “eh,” I’ve got bigger cares,
Like the stench of pee and poo, sweat and BO.
One thing is clear, she did not give them a show,
They didn’t see a thing, of that it can be said,
But my wife holding the baby, a blanket on her head.
“I am done, I am done! Get me out of here,” said she.
“I agree, let’s go, I can’t stand this stench of pee.”
“Pee? Is it pee? Is that the smell? How can it be?
“Pee, yes pee, poo and sweat, it’s all three.”
“Then it’s agreed from this town of toons we must flee.”

As we escaped the olfactory assault in Toontown, we headed towards Mainstreet and decided we could skip Wishes. That’s right. The ZZUBs skipped Wishes. At that moment, being away from the crowds and away from the smells was more desirable than standing around waiting for the show. We threw tradition out the window like a .38 Special cassette tape which belonged to your best friend’s ex-girlfriend.

We love us some Wishes, but leaving as we did was the best option. We were tired. Done. Standing around waiting on the show, being a slave to tradition was foolish. Besides, I knew we’d come back soon enough. Time was, every time I’d leave Disney World, I’d worry that I might not get to go back. I don’t so much fear that anymore. I know we’ll be back. If not next year, sometime soon after. Knowing that made missing the show ok in my mind. I’m not twelve anymore.

We boarded the boat and enjoyed a nice, cool ride back to the Lodge. Our last boat ride of the trip. We passed the Electrical Water Pageant along the way. Which was cool. Like it was there just for us.

That moment just about erased the bad taste left in our mouth from Toontown. You should pardon the expression.

Back in our room, we began pre-packing. Getting organized. But we didn’t waste our last night packing. We still hopped up on the bed, ate great junk food and watched our pictures. And laughed.

Ironically, when I think about that night now so many months removed, it makes me yearn for it. For all my hard edged intensity, I’m just a guy who loves his wife and girls and craves sweet moments like that.

We planned a late start for the next morning. I got up early as usual and after my last quiet time on the balcony with a view I didn’t have to pay extra for, I went on my last coffee walk. I opened the door and saw the Hanging Envelope of Death. It mocked me for a second or three. Then I grabbed it off the door and flung it on top of our now mostly empty snack center. I walked down to fill up my mug with its last sorrowful batch of brown water served warm. And as I forced the lid on it, I spilled coffee and cream everywhere.

As usual.

With all my Disney mug experience, you’d think I’d know when to stop the coffee and how much cream my mug can take. But while I manage to have that combination down at home, in Disney World, I can’t eyeball it correctly.

Or I’m an unusual idiot.

I took my coffee and walked up to the front desk to get some paper, an envelope and to borrow a pen. Some friends of ours were going to be at the Wilderness Lodge a few weeks after us and I wanted to leave them a little note. Hidden someplace for them to find.

The girls were still sleeping and Mrs. Z was getting ready, so it was best for me to stay out of the room for a while. Great thing about the Lodge, there are several little places for you to have a sit down and write a note. I found such a place, drank my crappy, but Disney, coffee and wrote our friends a note. Which made me laugh. Which made people walking by wonder what was up with that guy cackling and giggling. Frankly, I don’t laugh quietly.

Once it was finished, I went in search of the right place to hide it. Actually, during the week, I had been eyeballing different locations. It had to be someplace easy enough for them to find. But it couldn’t be in a place where other people might find it. Gawd forbid a million times. Nor could it be in a place where the housekeeping staff might locate it and throw it out.

Since we’d already established that cleaning wasn’t really what housekeeping was about, I figured the bigger challenge was putting it in a place that other people wouldn’t come across it easily. I found just the spot and secured the note in its place. Then I walked around it a few times to make sure it was well-concealed. It was.

Weeks later, our friends were indeed at the Lodge and based on my instructions, found the note I left for them. However, the $20 bill I put inside was gone. Fancy that.

I went back to our room and continued packing up my stuff. Once the girls were up, I helped get them ready as well. It was our last day at Disney World. My sister and brother in law were meeting us around 11:00 or 12:00 depending on whether you follow ZZUB time of ZZUB's Sister's time. We were spending the day with them in EPCOT and then heading to their house.

Finished with my chores, and having some time to kill, it occurred to me that I should leave a note in our room. For the next person who found it.

Years ago, I was reading a thread on the Resorts Board by a person who described the room they were in, including specifically the view. She loved the room and was excited about her stay there. About three or five responses down, someone posted that they had been in that exact same room. And posted the number.

I found that episode odd. As naive and silly as this sounds, when we’re in a hotel room, sometimes I think we’re the only people who have ever stayed there. And the only people who will ever have stayed there. The room is like Brigadoon. It’ll disappear as soon as we leave.

I don’t really think that way anymore. Although I still don’t like to consider what went on before us in a hotel room (too disgusting to contemplate). But now when we’re leaving our room at Disney World, I think about how excited and eager the next family who walks in that door will be. First day. Arriving. Seeing the room. The bunk beds and the view. I wonder if, like us, they will have been magically upgraded. I wonder if they’ll step out on the balcony and remember where they stayed the year before. I wonder what changes of fortune will have brought them to that place. It's an interesting thought experiment.

So I sat down on the edge of our bed, took out a piece of paper and wrote a note to the next residents of “our” room. Wished them well and let them know I prayed for them. And I did. I prayed the Lord would bless their visit and that they would have a great vacation. Then I slipped the note in the Bible in the nightstand. Right next to Psalm 18. Which contains one of ZZUB’s favorite verses, Psalm 18:31, “For who is God, but the Lord? And who is a rock, except our God”? God is God. ZZUB's a simple guy.

I put the Bible back in the nightstand and called for our car to be brought around. A few minutes later, a bellman was at the door to assist us with our eight billion bags. He loaded them on his cart and we headed out right behind him. But I was the last one out. I triple checked every drawer, nook and cranny. And thanked God again for what He provided. In many ways, that room, that view, was a love-letter from God. A message. He knew specifically how to remind us that He was with us. He knows how to bless us. Never has a valentine been so sweet.

We weren’t so sad to leave the Lodge, though. We had an afternoon in EPCOT ahead of us still. And the confidence that we’d be back. Someday.

Hopefully soon.

____

Click Here For Chapter Eighteen:

 

[PirateFish989]

Although I still don’t like to consider what went on before us in a hotel room (too disgusting to contemplate).

I don't like to consider what when on before me in my college dorm room. Or on the couch in my suite common area. Too horrid to think about.


I was very impresssed with your rhyming skills. And that's pretty darn gross that it smelled like pee. Pretty darn gross. But not as disgusting as the sock. Or the vomit.

Enjoyable, as always!

 

[2ScottishPrincesses]

I loved your poem ZZUB but the few lines above I feel are the most poetic and touched me the most

 

[CRSNDSNY]

WONDERFUL! One of the best chapters yet!
THANKS!

 

[praisehisname]

What a wonderful chapter! You have such a gift for putting into words what a lot of us feel, but can't express.

I'm looking forward to hearing about the ZZUB family's future trips to the World!

Denise

 

[TarzansKat]

ZZUB, a great chapter, but I am saddened by the fact that we are nearing the end of your trip...and that so many bodily stenches assaulted you in Toontown...note to self...avoid Toontown like the plague after dark.

 

[AshClan]

It was like the 3d piece of gum I take with me to church every week. It’s there more for an emergency, not because I ever chew through the first two pieces.

You chew GUM in church? Maybe it's just us Catholics, because of communion and all, but I would never THINK to chew gum in church.....In fact, I seem to recall getting in trouble for that once or twice as a kid.

Even from this limited view you can tell how much me and Buzz look alike.

I'm not quoting the picture in case you decide to delete it at some point (not out of the realm, I'm sure), but let me just say this. The chin hair, sure. But the guns? I don't know. Looks to me like someone is trying too hard.

It was hot and muggy, stinky too,
The late Sammy Davis Jr. was himself a Jew,

I think the arbitrary SDJ line you are looking for is "Sammy Davis Jr. only had one eye", Adam.

I opened the door and saw the Hanging Envelope of Death. It mocked me for a second or three. Then I grabbed it off the door and flung it on top of our now mostly empty snack center.

Did you really eat ALL of those pop-tarts and Jelly Bellies??

Or I’m an unusual idiot.

I don't really think you're that unusual.

Great thing about the Lodge, there are several little places for you to have a sit down and write a note.

I've heard they have some neat alcoves.

Frankly, I don’t laugh quietly.

Is there anything you DO do quietly?

Gawd forbid a million times.

Frick is right. So played.

I can't believe it's almost over!!! Thank goodness LaLa has started a report. But I see some boring Monday mornings on my horizon.

Nice job, Z.