Chapter Twenty One: Teppanyaki Much Information
We arrived back at the Lodge and my wife and daughter took themselves a little nap. I hung out on the balcony for a bit. Which is strange because I dont think of myself as a balcony person.
Frankly, I dont even know what a balcony person is.
I sat looking out past the pool towards the lake, enjoying the idyllic scene that I didnt have to pay extra for. Which made it mighty sweet.
Until the jerkstore on his cell phone across the courtyard ruined everything. Why he was on his cell phone on his balcony I do not know. Why he was yelling, well thats easy enough to answer.
Because he was an idiot.
He didnt appear angry or annoyed. He was just talking. On a cell phone. Which he thought meant he needed to TALK VERY LOUDLY.
Heres a rule we all can agree upon: if you think you need to talk loudly into a cell phone, you shouldnt own one.
In other words, it is not a walkie-talkie. Nor is it a can connected by a string to another can. Its a phone. It has volume control. You dont need to yell.
So cell-phone talking guy somewhat disturbed my balcony time. Thats what you get for a free upgrade.
Once the girls were up from their nap, we headed back to EPCOT. We took the TTC bus and hopped on the Monorail for the ride to EPCOT. When we got onto the Monorail, the car was full and every seat was taken. Time was, men got up for women to sit down. Or is that just in the south?
So I said, "My wife is 12 weeks pregnant and shouldnt be on her feet. Reckon one of yall would give up your seat so she doesnt have to stand the whole way to EPCOT?
Almost immediately a person stood up to give my wife a seat.
A person.
Im not entirely certain which gender this person would identify with.
But chivalry isnt confined to one gender I suppose and anyway, he or she was polite and so I wont mock her/him.
We had some time before our ADR at Teppanyaki so we decided wed try to squeeze in Turtle Talk with Crush and Soarin.
My daughter decided she wanted to ride Soarin more than Crush, so I pushed the wheelchair up that fakakta ramp in front of the Land and inside we went. Eventually I found the crappy little elevator theyve cleverly hidden in the corner and after waiting our turn behind several other people, we finally got to ride down a flight to the first floor. Perhaps Disney could see their way to installing another elevator or, at a minimum, placing a Fastpass kiosk in front of the one they have.
Speaking of fastpasses, the ones we pulled for Soarin' earlier in the day were set to ripen in 45 minutes. The standby line was 50 minutes. And there was nothing else to do.
Living with the Land was closed.
We couldnt eat because in a little while we were having dinner at Teppanyaki.
Theres not even a dump shop in the Land.
Does Disney know that? Each of these pavilions should have a dump shop. In a good rain storm youre trapped there. Disney is the new Las Vegas. How can it be that they arent taking every advantage possible? Disneys failure to have a dump shop in the Land made me question everything I know about the universe.
Maybe Pluto really isnt a planet.
Nevertheless, we had 45 minutes to kill. And no more than an hour before we had to (had to!) head to Japan. The World Showcase Pavilion. Not the country. In case you were confused. Some people think Future World is in the Magic Kingdom, so I think its helpful to provide these geography lessons as we go. I wondered if we had time to talk with Crush. In ordinary times we probably did. But surely the phlegmatic elevator would prevent us from making it out of the building and back in time to ride Soren Lorenson, then go back up the elevator and head to Japan.
Realizing we did not have enough time, we decided to sit.
Like idiots.
And wait.
My daughter amused herself by running around. I pushed the wheelchair off to the side and sat by my wife. Eventually, I said, weve got to find a new place to vacation. This is ridiculous. We race here and sit like idiots waiting on a ride. And we paid for this. Paid dearly for it. We work hard, save our money, count down the days until we get here and then we sit. Waiting. For Godot. And a ride on Soren Lorenson.
She took the fork out of her arm long enough to say, we dont
have to keep coming here.
Youre the one who insists we return year after year.
I know, I said. I stared at my running shoes. I just wish sometimes it wasnt like this. We didnt have to rush around to sit around. I hate wasting time.
So dont waste it, she said. Either with her mouth or her eyes. I cant remember which. But it occurs to me the message was, were here. Together. Is that such a bad thing?
So we talked. About stuff. How big our daughter is getting, how fun it is now that shes tackling some of the big girl rides. How my wife was feeling. The pain in my knee. How disappointing lunch was. Whether she was carrying a girl or a boy. Yolanda. How amazing it was that we were even there.
In other words, those 45 minutes werent such a waste of time.
Eventually, it was our FP time and we headed up to the line. Walk, walk, walk, ask for front row, center, wait, David Puddy, "and these little beauties," laugh loudly and then through the doors to your row.
Soarin was even better this time because Mommy was with us. After I got my daughter all strapped in, she told my wife, dont worry, Mommy. Im not scared by this ride.
Still, my wife and I both had a hand on her legs.
After Soren Lorenson, we headed out of the Land and towards Teppanyaki.
The skies were dark and angry. Like Don Imus. But without the racial epithets. And Al Sharpton's hypocrisy. I looked at my watch and I looked at the distance from here to there and I decided wed hop a ride on a Friendship boat. I wheeled my wife and daughter towards the boat launch. We got in line just as a boat was pulling in. Huzzah! Ive read that you can actually walk it faster than the boats but surely it would be more fun to ride.
Remember, I take a golf cart to the mailbox and shake my empty cup when I want a refill on my drink.
After the boat unloaded all of the people on board and everyone in line pressed forward in anticipation, the Captain announced that due to the weather, they would not be taking on new passengers. It was too dangerous to have us on the water in the storm.
Its called lightening by the way.
I wondered if he knew that the Lodge boats were still on the water in the storm. I wondered how we were safer. On wet cement. In the open.
But I didnt argue with him. He had on fancy pants.
Instead I pulled out the ponchos, gave one to my wife to cover her and my daughter and I put on the other one and off we headed. Around the world. Showcase lake.
In the storm.
Evidently, not everyone on the World Showcase promenade had ADRs they were in danger of being late too. Evidently. Because most people were walking at a speed which rivaled the elevator in the Land. We got stuck behind a family that was walking so slowly, they appeared to be walking backwards. I moved around them and got stuck behind the next set of oblivions. I dont get it. The promenade is fairly wide. Why not walk to the side? Why walk in the middle? If you insist on moving slower than Bob Doles arteries, then get out of the way.
And dont veer.
Lets all agree to walk straight.
Because the veer is a hazard. Next time you're at Disney or the mall, pay attention to this profound mystery. People dont walk straight. They veer. They slant. They angle. And do three other things which all annoy the crap out of me when Im trying to maneuver around them.
As we were getting closer to Japan, I began shouting directions to people ahead of us.
Wheelchair coming up on your right.
Chair on your left.
Coming up on your left.
Which was espeically amusing when I was actually coming up on their right.
Most people would move out of the way and laugh as I passed them. Either because they thought it was funny that someone was barking directions. Or because I was wearing a large red poncho with the word Wilson stamped on the chest and I looked ridiculous.
I didnt care. I was dry and they moved.
And we made it to Japan in time for dinner.
My sister, brother in law and the kids were already there and had checked us in. But Teppanyaki was hugely crowded and busy that night. Scary busy. We ended up having quite a little wait. Glad I rushed.
Teppanyaki must be Japanese for Pennypacker.
We were eventually shown to our table. There were four show tables in our room; so our table mirrored one across the way. Which will prove interesting later. Or not. Well see.
The waitress came and took our drink orders and then the chef came and sliced and diced us up a dinner. I dont remember what I had, but since we were on the Free Dining plan, lets assume whatever I ate had parents. And was cooked in ginger. Teppanyaki must also be Japanese for ginger. Everything we ate that night was doused in a ginger sauce. Including the Diet Coke.
It was all good.
Going down.
FYI, TMI approaching.
Properly warned ye be.
While the chef was making us dinner, I noticed a woman at the table across from us. Staring.
I leaned over to my wife to ask if she noticed and before I could finish my question she asked me what the deal was with the staring woman.
So then we checked with my sister and brother in law. No one knew what the story was, but we all noticed it. Her. Staring.
It was obvious.
Like Hillarys southern accent when shes in a black church.
All four of us stared back at her and that forced her to look away. The rude woman. Not Hillary! Although I can see how youd be confused.
No sooner had Chef flipped a shrimp onto my nephews plate then I noticed the woman staring at us again. If I posted my picture on the Disboards, I would have thought she recognized me. But I dont, so she couldnt have. I wasn't even wearing a Vote For Pedro shirt.
Still she stared.
So I stared back.
Eventually I won the stand off and she got the hint.
So lets review ZZUBs rules for a better society:
Dont talk loudly on your cell phone when youre in public.
Dont talk on your cell phone when youre in public.
When a woman gets onto a Monorail or bus, offer her a seat.
Have faster elevators.
Walk to the right.
And dont stare.
After dinner we went out onto the balcony to wait for Illuminations. It was misting still and there were not a lot of people there at all. In fact, it didnt appear there were a lot of people standing around to watch the show at all. I understand they run Illuminations in all kinds of weather. Which is good to know.
I imagine in good weather the Japan balcony is full. But because of the rain we had no problem finding a spot. I dont know if there are better or worse spots to watch Illuminations from. The show takes place in the round so I dont imagine one particular spot is appreciably better. Wherever you stand youre going to see something that you cant see from somewhere else.
However, being up high meant we didnt get hit in the eye with fireworks.
Not that thats ever happened to us. But we hear things.
I love Illuminations. I used to not like it. But its grown on me. Like the Cadillac CTS. The opening drums of Illuminations is now like the beginning of
Sweet Home Alabama to me. So next time youre in EPCOT and you hear someone in the distance yell Turn it up, its me, ZZUB. Im enjoying Illuminations.
This particular viewing of Illuminations was special. You see, I discovered I liked it the trip before. But my wife and daughter werent on board. They were tolerating Illuminations the way I tolerate vegetable lasagna. Grudgingly. And with more than a modicum of gas.
But maybe it was the cool night or maybe it was the full tummies or maybe it was all the things which had come before, or maybe it was the ginger, but that night, both my wife and little girl discovered they liked Illuminations, too. My daughter stood at the balcony railing and my wife and I stood behind her, one arm around each other, one arm on her.
Illuminations lacks the charm and sentimentality of Wishes! but what it lacks in schmaltz it more than makes up for in spectacle. And music. Man, thats a good composition.
Anyway, as a globe of lights moved through the waters in front of us, we stood on the balcony and enjoyed the show. Illuminations was now a Disney Thing for us.
Thats the postcard.
Now comes the rest of the story.
I hope youre done with your breakfast.
Along about the time the woman starts singing and people think the show is over, I felt the first indication I was going into labor.
In other words, I had a rather strong poop cramp.
I practiced my Lamaze breathing to get through the pain and sure enough it passed.
The show ended and we made our way back downstairs and began the long trek out of EPCOT. Im not entirely sure when the next one hit me because at that point I wasnt timing my contractions. But it was more intense and I could feel it in my legs.
Still, I pressed on because I preferred the home court advantage and wanted to get back to our room at the Lodge. And at that point, that seemed a reasonable goal.
Fortunately, there were not a lot of people on the promenade as we moved closer to Future World. So we could move quickly. Which we were. Because my wife and daughter were in the chair and I was pushing. Fast.
But on the downhill side of the International Gateway bridge I had another contraction. This one was fairly intense. I knew we wouldnt make it. I needed another stop. Stat.
EPCOT isnt my park. I havent memorized where the bathrooms are. So I was at a distinct disadvantage. As I pushed through England, I searched for signs of a loo. Seeing nothing hopeful, I continued on to Canada.
O Canada!
I remembered there was a bathroom by the sidewalk. My wife took my daughter in there last year during Illuminations. Oh HappyHaunt! Canada will save the day.
There's a sentence I never thought I'd write.
I leaned down to tell my wife that the contractions were getting closer and I needed to stop. I told her time was short so when we got there, I was going to park her and run.
Literally.
Now then. As we made our approach, I started worrying that there might only be a stall or two and they might be occupied. I couldnt afford a delay. Of any period of time. No matter how brief. So as we got to the bathroom, I shoved my wifes chair to the side and ran into the bathroom like a man possessed, shouting No whammy, no whammy, no whammies!
Where, much to my immediate delight, I discovered an empty stall.
It probably isnt necessary for me to describe the intense pain and relief of a number four but suffice it to say, it makes a number two seem like childs play. I really only rented the food at Teppanyaki, so it was good I didnt pay for it.
Adding insult to injury, I was also experiencing a rash of ginger-flavored reflux which made me think I may have to refund my meal from a second direction as well.
Even I think this is too much information. Yet, I haven't deleted it. And there's more.
You know that moment when youre in the midst of a number four and youre wondering if it smells as bad as you think it does? I had that moment. But the question was answered definitively when a couple of guys came in the door and one of them said to the other, Dude, it smells in here!
If my wife can be believed, they came out talking about it. Whether she was proud or ashamed, I cannot tell.
One thing is for certain: if you eat at Teppanyaki, go easy with the ginger. And know your way to Canada.
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Click Here For Chapter Twenty Two
If I was anywhere near the creative writer you are, I would never set foot in my office again! 
for mom for going all that way and then having to turn around and head back. 
And I cannot even explain how nice it is to have so much behind-the-scenes info about your family, it just makes your experience so much more real for me. Thanks again for sharing and congrats on the baby girl!!! 
