Chapter Six: My Much Maligned But Still Cool as All Get Out Dog: A Disney Thing
No. Stafford J. didnt get to come to Disney World with us. Because Disney World doesnt allow dogs in their rooms. So when we go to Disney, one of Staffs girlfriends come over to take care of him.
He used to vacation at Puppy Camp.
Until the unfortunate incident. It was a crime of passion. Leave it alone.
We got Stafford when I was in law school. We wanted a puppy but we were poor so we headed to the pound. After looking at some other dogs, my wife spotted him and his brother. Both dogs were cute, but since Stafford stepped over his brother, and
on his brothers head, we thought he had more personality. Evidently, we think stepping on those you love means you have personality. So theres a window into our lives for you.
Stafford J. is a pound puppy but hes pretty sensitive about it, so we dont discuss it. Much. Neither should you, by the way.
Hes part Boxer, part something else. No one knows what else. After the first three years, I stopped caring.
We liked Stafford immediately and once the waiting period was over, we brought him home. We named him Stafford, after my student loan. It was a reminder that we really didnt own him at all. When I graduated law school and it came time to begin repaying my loans, we tried to mail them Stafford. But he kept chewing his way out of the box. Lousy dog. Ive also tried to give them back my law degree. But they dont want it either. Staffords middle initial is J. Like his dad. Oddly enough, my middle initial is actually J. (I knew that you knew that I knew that you knew and all that nonsense).
Soon after we brought Stafford home we discovered he had a speech impediment. He enjoys
tweats, and its
twue that he
wikes to
sweep on softness. He also
wuvs to go on
da big boy wides.
Thats right, not only do we verbalize the dogs inner monologue. We gave him a speech impediment. And yet another window into our world. I wouldnt blame you one bit if you shut the blinds.
I would.
But I cant.
His name is Stafford J. but we call him Schpupin. Not just Schpupin, but Schpupin! Like Hillary! Or Lamar! If you remember him. I dont. As time has passed, hes become the Schpup (or in his voice,
da Schpup!). His name is never spoken. If it is said at all, it is yelled.
Schpupin!
Hes got a great personality: hes a combination of Tiggers hyperactivity and Eeyores woe-is-me sadness; its never enough for him. His royal highness lives a life I would like to live, sleep all day, get served breakfast in bed (no lie, hes trained my daughter to bring him her
weftovers) and work roughly 15 minutes a day. Thats right, under his most recent contract, Stafford is only on duty from 3:00 to 3:15 every afternoon. If someone tries to enter our home after hours, hes made it abundantly clear hes off duty, and were on our own. Hes got a bit of an attitude. Like Donald Duck. Stafford hates squirrels, birds and
aver cwitters. They offend him.
But hes a good boy when hes not being so bad. He writes
fank you notes and sends
Cwismas cards. Hes
foughtful.
He also wikes to kiss on da wips. Just so you know.
Here he is opening a present on
Cwismas morning.
And here he is
cweaning his toes.
I should point out that not only can my wife and I understand Schpupins inner monologue, but we can also understand the inner monologue of most animals. And, as it turns out, many of them know Stafford J. And suffer from his speech impediment.
All of which you needed to know to understand why we love the Penguin Soarin commercial. I dont know if they run this commercial on the east coast. They dont run it on the left coast. But they run it at Disney World. And we love it. Time was, when we checked into our room in Disney World, wed turn on the ZippaDeDooDah channel and it would stay on for the length of our stay.
Then it went away.
And we just havent been as enamored of the Top 7. Its just too much.
Noise.
But we like Resort TV. The music is soothing. We also like the channel that cycles through Disney commercials. Because although were there spending our money, being constantly assaulted by their marketing machine, we like the commercials that are not disguised as rides, shows, merchandise and free transportation.
If youve never seen the penguin commercial here it is in short: some penguins are in their natural habitat wondering why they cant fly. Then one of them gets an idea. He rounds up his friends and they head to Epcot to ride Soarin. They all have fun.
Because
Schpupin! has taught us to understand the inner monologue of all animals, and because they all sound like him, here is the unspoken dialogue from the commercial:
Penguin looks up at the sky and some passing birds, and says, I wish I could
fwy.
Hey! I know.
Fowwow me. The other penguins follow him. Get outta my way, we gotta get to Epcot.
Arriving in Disney World, they hop off the
twam, Move it.
Dis way. Fowwo me. They head to Soarin where they are met by a chipper Cast Member.
CM: You again?
Penguin: Thats
wight, wady! Now getta out my way. Were gonna
fwy.
As the penguins take off on Soarin, they all shout, Woo Hoo!
Were fwying! Were fwying!
Were Disney people and I reckon you are too. Why else would you purposefully read this nonsense? Whenever we go to Disney World, there are a handful of
Disney Things we have to experience for it to feel like a Disney trip. You have your list too. The things that you always do and cant wait to do because then you know youre in Disney World. As if the great sucking sound out of your wallet wasn't a clue.
Our list isnt static. Nor is it concrete. We dont mark things off on the list. Its just there. Some things we talk about in advance, we have to eat at Chef Mickeys. We always do that. And some things are just understood amongst us. When we see them, or hear them or experience them; we agree, Were in Disney now.
There are some things that have been a Disney Thing for more than 10 years while others were recently added or fell away. For instance, the ZippaDeeDooDah channel. That was on our Disney Thing list until they took it away. Also, I cant believe Im doing this. (Im certain many of you know what that is.) We used to always watch Fantasy in the Sky from the roof of the Contemporary. They dont have Fantasy in the Sky anymore and they dont let any old riff raff on the roof of the Contemporary anymore either.
Our Disney Things include (but are not limited to): eating at Chef Mickeys, riding the monorail, buying a refillable mug, drinking lousy coffee, eating at a food court, eating Pop Tarts, smelling Disney, eating Tonga Toast, watching Wishes!, paging Mr. Morrow, Mr. Tom Morrow and, watching the penguin Soarin commercial.
So after I came back in from the balcony, I realized the TV wasnt on. Our trip really hadnt begun. My wife was laying on the bed resting so nice and my daughter was exploring the world of her bunk bed. I clicked on the flat screen TV and turned it to the commercial channel. I sat on the bed next to my wife and in short order the penguin commercial came on. And although it had been a year since weve seen it, we all know the dialogue. And in unison we cried out,
were fwying! Were fwying!"
Da Schpup! would have been proud.
If he didnt hate
dose fweaking birds so much.
Click Here for Chapter Seven
