Epilogue
You know I always wanted to pretend I was an architect. Or at least a writer.
This trip to Disney World, these seven days and six nights of: PORiverside; morning coffee walks; eating cheesesteaks in the food court; Puppies of Progress; Paging Mr. Morrow, Mr. Tom Morrow; bell ringing surrey bike adventures; Free Dinning; The Magical Not-So-Express; Vote for Pedro; Cinderellas Royal Table; Boma; Chef Mickeys; Crystal Palace; Kona Café; Free Dinning; Rockin Rollercoaster; Waterslide Olympics; Being Backstage on Streets of America; Illuminations; Wishes!; the Pennsylvania people; the Gainesville people; the Wyoming people; Free Dinning, SchadenDisneyFreude and the Disney Mug Vacation Club were superlative. As we drove away from the place where smiles live and my money goes to burn, my mind was awash in these new found memories. We really enjoyed this vacation. I wouldnt change a thing.
I wonder if the obnoxious cell phone couple feel the same way.
Because Im me, part of the joy of any trip is the moment when I get home and sit at my desk and go through my receipts and compare them with my budget. I really enjoy the numbers side of a trip. Except for the ridiculous amount of money we spent on souvenirs, we came in right on budget for our trip. I think we ended up saving a few dollars with Free Dinning but because we paid rack rate on the room, the savings wasnt all that dramatic.
But you know what? Who cares? It was a unique opportunity to eat pretty much whatever we wanted, wherever we wanted and we didnt care about the cost. Dont you see the mind games?! Disney has really gotten into my head. I just admitted that paying rack rate for the room in order to score some Free Dinning which didnt really save me much money was O.K. with me.
So scared.
Disneys mind games or not; we had a great vacation. Im constantly caught in a tug of war between where I
want to be and where I
need to be. Work
demands my attention; my family
deserves it. But in order to have the time with my family and to have the things we need, I have to work hard. I dont mind hard work. I come from a long line of hard working men. Its what we do. But oh how I love to see my wife smile and listen to my daughter giggle. Its what keeps me going through a long day of paper and phone calls, judges and opposing counsel. And clients. I work hard 12 hours a day 6 days a week so that I can come home at night and eat dinner with my family and play with my daughter. I work hard 49 weeks of the year so that I can take a few weeks vacation with the people I love.
I think one of the reasons I love
Disney vacations is because they dont just last a few days. There was months of planning. Working itineraries and budget spread sheets. I read the Unofficial Guide and Mousesavers.com, Mouseplanet.com, Allearsnet.com and of course, the Dis. I am so grateful for the trip reports people write. Then after all of that dreaming and planning our travel day arrived and I found myself standing on a bridge looking across the Sassagoula River and I was home. We spent a week enjoying hard-earned time together in a place where my entire family has fun. We relived old, fond memories and made new ones. But our trip didnt end when we drove off property. Since weve been back, weve relived our vacation in pictures, in video, and in a trip report that took close to six months to finish writing. Done properly, a Disney vacation can last forever.
Sometimes, when you get there, its not all that you hoped for. Youve raised the expectations so high they cannot be met. Or worse, you get treated shabbily by a CM or two. You have people jump you in line or walk into the path of your stroller, your kid gets really sick or the crowds just suck the joy out of the trip. Its happened to many of us.
This trip, however, was not that. It was
THE TRIP. The one you hope to have. The kind of trip you write songs about. Well at least a lengthy trip report anyway. It was the culmination of so much planning and dreaming; hoping and praying. It wasnt perfect. Not everything went as scripted and we didnt get to do everything we had planned. But we dont go expecting perfect. Perfect isnt for this side of Heaven, anyway.
Still, this trip was everything we had hoped it would be. It was so good in fact, I thought we should probably wait a few years before we return. Any trip we tried to do too soon after this one would necessarily pale in comparison. As we drove away from Disney that Monday night, I chewed on that thought in my head. Later that night I told my wife I thought we should not go back too soon; we should maybe wait a couple of years. She agreed. She was just amusing me.
We werent home 15 minutes when I was already thinking about our next Disney Vacation.
Tell me Disneys marketing machine doesnt work.
We didnt need to wait two years, I thought; we just need to not do the exact same things. Well stay in a different hotel; well stay longer; well stay shorter; well go in winter. Something.
By the time I started writing this opus in October, I already had a trip planned out and budgeted for. I had the hotel selected, the dates picked, an itinerary sketched out and a decision made about whether we would opt for the Dinning Plan (we wouldnt). I started writing this report with the idea that the end would actually serve as a pre-trip report for the next trip.
But God has different plans for my family.
You may recall the reason it took close to two years for us to return after August, 2001 was because shortly after we came home from that trip we found out we were expecting my daughter. Similarly, earlier this year, we found out that we were expecting a little Zzub in early October. We were overjoyed about adding to our family. However, schedule-wise, it seemed wed have to wait until the baby was a year old before we returned to the World. So I chucked any plans for a trip to the World in 2006 and focused my energy on getting ready for the baby.
But Gods ways are higher than ours and sometimes difficult to understand.
For the last few weeks we have been on a bit of a roller coaster. Not the Rockin kind, more like the emotional kind. A few weeks back, on a Friday, we went to the doctor for a regular check up and to hear the babys heartbeat. Except there was no heartbeat. At first we were only mildly concerned. My wife was only 10 weeks pregnant at the time and it was likely that it was too soon to hear the babys heartbeat. Our doctor scheduled an ultrasound the following Monday to confirm that everything was all right. We called our family and friends and asked them to pray for us and the baby. Because my wife was feeling very nauseous, we had some comfort that the baby was probably ok and it was just too soon to hear his heartbeat. We had a lot of hope.
Any hope we had was torn away from us that damp Monday afternoon. They couldnt find a heartbeat on the ultrasound. The technician wouldnt tell us what was wrong but I was watching her and watching the screen and I knew something wasnt right. After awhile, she told us that the doctor would call us and explain what was going on.
As we drove home from the ultrasound, we got the call from our doctor. He told us the baby is dead. Very precise. Sympathetic but specific. Those four words still haunt me. He said it looked as if the baby had died and my wifes body had yet to miscarry. We asked him about my wifes symptoms and why she still felt pregnant if the baby was gone. Was it possible the dates were way off and the baby was only six weeks along and, therefore, his heart hadnt started to beat yet. He said it was possible but not likely. He asked us to come see him the next morning to talk about our options.
We were devastated. How could the baby be dead? Why didnt my wife have any symptoms of a miscarriage? What do we tell my daughter who is patiently waiting until the Fall to meet her baby brother or sister? No part of this made sense and no part of it was easy.
We have faced down our share of difficult situations, my wife and I, but nothing weve encountered or suffered had been this tough. We cried. A lot. We got on our knees and prayed. A lot. We called our friends and family and our pastor and asked them all to pray for us.
The next morning, we went through the motions of getting dressed and getting ourselves to the doctors office. Our eyes were still red and puffy. Neither of us could eat. We waited for him to see us. We held hands and hoped this would all be over soon. Yet, when we were finally ushered back into an examination room, what our doctor told us was surprising. After he talked with us the day before, he called the radiologist back and they discussed the ultrasound findings. He told us he now had doubt whether the baby was really dead.
We may have our dates way off.
We didnt know what to make of any of this. He examined my wife and then told us that everything seemed normal. Her body wasnt doing anything to reject the baby or to miscarry. I cant explain this, he said. Either the baby just died and her body has yet to respond or we grossly miscalculated how far along she was and the baby is fine. He said he wanted to check her hormone levels to see where they were. That would give us a clearer picture of whether the pregnancy was viable or whether the baby was in fact dead.
After they nurse drew my wifes blood, she told us they would put a rush on the lab and the doctor would call us as soon as they got the results. Two hours later we got word that my wifes hormone level was consistent with a six week pregnancy. The doctor told us he didnt know what to make of these numbers. But he thought it was consistent with the size of the baby. He told my wife to come back on Friday for another blood test to see whether her hormone levels rose or dropped.
We were cautiously optimistic. Hopeful again. We called everyone we knew and asked them to pray again. And we waited. I watched every time my wife said she felt sick. Or crampy. As the longest week of our lives wore on, I confess our hope waned. We knew too many people who miscarried. Its so common. Why should we be any different? It became harder to determine whether my wifes symptoms were related to pregnancy or miscarriage. But we didnt lose faith. Even if God didnt choose to intervene and let our child live, we knew He was still in control. We both had peace that even if we dont understand, let alone like, Gods will, it is nevertheless perfect. He is God, were not.
But oh how we hoped God would answer our prayers.
On Friday we drove back to the doctor. Another blood test. More waiting. Four hours later we got the call. Her hormone level had gone up! The doctor thought this meant her pregnancy was viable and the baby was fine. He didnt know how they got the dates so wrong but he was sorry. The following Wednesday we went in for the ultrasound to confirm that the babys heart was beating.
Only his heart wasnt beating.
And now it was clear that he was gone.
For days our emotions have been pulled from one extreme to another. From despair to hope, confusion, anxiety and finally grief. Still we remain confident that none of this came as a surprise to God. He has ministered peace to us through this storm. He is with us, His rod and His staff comfort us. We grieve for our child and are terribly sad that he left us before we even got to know him. But we are confident he is in a far, far better place with our Savior.
Knowing that gives me peace.
Why did I tell you this story? What does that have to do with our trip to Disney World? As I said before, a trip to Disney World isnt just the time youre there. Its all the time you spend planning it and its all the time you spend remembering it. Describing it in a trip report. And because Ive been remembering our trip in this report for the last several months, these events, these difficult events, have all occurred as I was winding down this report. They are the answer to the question, why dont you have another trip planned?
Right now were grieving. Right now our thoughts are fixed on other more pressing needs. In time though, my thoughts will drift back to less serious endeavors and well start planning another trip. We have to. Our lives will go on and were the Zzubs. We go to Disney. Its what we do.
Until then, when I need my fix of Disney magic, I will watch the DVD I made and wrap myself in the strong memories I have from this trip. And Ill live vicariously through the trip reports of not-such-complete strangers. LaLa is working on a trip report right now that is very good and the Happyhaunts will be back in May. Her report from that trip should last close to a year, right? Also, I know Vettechick wont disappoint me. Jennymouse will take her grandchild back, Javamom is going on a trip soon and I cant wait to read about it. Horsegirl might even teach me how to make $3600 on our next trip. That should prove interesting.
I dont know any of you personally, but oh how Ive appreciated sharing our trip with you and reading the things youve written to me about it. Youve helped make our vacation last a long time and in light of our recent circumstances, that is especially appreciated. One great thing about this medium is the way it connects otherwise complete strangers. The back-and-forth dialogue Ive shared with you has enriched my memories of our trip. Ten years from now, it may be hard for me to remember that the Happyhaunts werent really with us in Epcot and LaLas family didnt compete in the Waterslide Olympics. Any time someone mentions Maelstrom in my presence I will reflexively respond, Is a fastpass? And Ill wonder if its one of you. I hope what Ive written has reminded you that a trip to Disney World isnt so much about the rides and the shows, or even the free food. Its about the time you spend with the ones you love the most.
Soon enough well plan another trip. We have to. Its in our blood. Well need to go make more memories. So while my body might be in a courtroom or a meeting, driving my car or standing in line at Starbucks, my mind will be working on our Next Disney Vacation.
And Ill be wondering, when will we be going back there, and will I bring my Mug?
libby
I'm so sorry Zzub. Your outlook on the situation is a true testiment to your character and strength.
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