Thanksgiving as a guest question

[bethy]

If it’s a normal dinner than I expect to provide everything as the host.

BUT for Thanksgiving and Christmas our immediate extended family (mom, sister, brother, and their spouses and kids) each family brings stuff. They are big holiday meals. One of the local siblings will supply their house as the meeting spot but we wouldn’t expect her to shoulder all the work and costs of the meals too. They aren’t “her Thanksgiving meal”, it’s “the Doe Family Thanksgiving” if that makes sense.

This, exactly. I entertain a lot. And usually provide everything myself - which costs a lot and takes a lot of work.

However, for a large family holiday gathering and with the expensive nature of Thanksgiving dishes I think potluck style is the way to go in that case. The perk of doing it this was is that the family can afford to get together more if the burdens are shared.

 

[morgan98]

Until I joined the DIS, I never knew anyone who drank at a holiday meal. Nobody at our family meals drank and when DH and I got married nobody on either side of his family drank at the holidays.

I am really not sure what someone would do if wine was brought. We do have a couple of alcoholics, I am going to guess it would quietly be explained so the guest wouldn’t be upset.

I really know no one who doesn't drink at a holiday meal. My mother was born in Italy, my husband in Italian (even has citizenship) and we drink wine and sometimes cocktails at all holiday meals. Now, don't get me wrong, we do not drink to the point of people being sloppy drunks, but I cannot imagine not having wine with dinner. Heck, I have had a glass of wine with most dinners my entire adult life.

The alcoholic issue probably does make things a little more difficult.

Some of the different traditions on the DIS are interesting for sure.

 

[soccerdad72]

I think it’s because many people serve the food buffet-style.

Our extended family is too large to fit at one table (usually about 30), so the turkey is carved while everyone is hanging out in the kitchen and then platters are added to the buffet.

If we have a small thanksgiving, we carve and serve all the food at the dining table.

We don't normally do buffet style - we pass around all the food at the table. But I just find carving at the table to be uncomfortable and inconvenient, versus carving the turkey in the kitchen and doing a platter of white meat and a platter of dark meat to pass.

 

[bethy]

Random question for those who bring wine to dinners (outside of family), since it seems to be brought up frequently:

Have you ever brought wine and then found out that the hosts don't drink wine? Just curious because I've never considered wine as a gift for the host before. I actually don't know anyone who actually drinks it.

This is not to criticize anyone who does or the thought of it as a gift, just never really knew people who drank wine.

When giving a gift I always take the recipient into account. So if I know they like wine then that is one option for a hostess gift (to be opened later). But there are many other options too - especially if I don't know whether they drink wine or not.

In my case I don't really know anyone who *doesn't* drink wine, lol!

 

[mmouse37]

Just curious what others think. If you invite family over for Thanksgiving (or any holiday for that matter), do you ask them to bring anything? I was asked to bring 3 different items. Maybe it's just personal preference, but if I decide to have a lunch or party or something at my house, I wouldn't ask people to bring anything.

Opinions?

I host my family on Thanksgiving and it can be anywhere from 35 to 50 people.....yes, I ask for people to bring things and no one has an issue with it. I have four sisters and some nieces and they each bring an app, a side and they usually also bring a dessert. I take care of the turkey, the ham, the stuffing, the gravy, the potatoes, a casserole and a few desserts. I would not have the refrigerator space to keep everything at my house and would never have time to prepare everything on Thanksgiving Day so we all pitch in and bring the meal together.

As far as seating goes, I have to rearrange all my furniture (and remove some) on the main level of the house to accommodate extra tables and chairs. We do a buffet but everyone has a place to sit and eat.

If I am hosting a party like a birthday or graduation I do not ask anyone to bring anything. We take of everything ourselves. But for Thanksgiving with family....everyone helps out!

MJ

 

[_19disnA]

A lot depends on tradition and what you have done in the past, how large your family is and whether Thanksgiving rotates to different households or is always at the same place. Having a large meal is quite expensive and a lot of work. People getting on in their years may no longer be able to handle it all of their own and need the assistance of others in the family. I would certainly never be offended at whatever is decided and don't think this is a one-size-fits-all type of topic.

We also always carve the turkey in the kitchen, it has never been a big production in our family to have the head of the household doing the table carving. We do buffet style since it easier for everyone to take whatever they want before sitting at the table. When we have been to other families who do the carving at the table, the food tends to get cold by the time everyone is served.

 

[Wishing on a star]

It is mindboggling and amazing and disturbing to me to see how many here are in the 'It is rude to bring something to add".
Wow.... how narcissistic and presumptuous and rude... ALL guest have to eat what I want, how I prepare it, and I must be GOD, because I am able to provide every single desire.

I tend to forego those types of situations.

You are in control of your own birthday party, graduation, wedding, etc....
To think that one can take ownership and full control of a major holiday...
Really????
SAD.

 

[porschegrl]

For the hosts that don't want additional dishes - there are things I MISS from my Thanksgivings. If I'm coming to your house and having to miss my family, should I not bring the few things that feel like home to me? Not trying to argue, but I don't see the issue in something random on the table. Duplicates, yeah, I get that, but if you're making roasted butternut squash I'm not missing it. If you aren't, is it SO tacky to let me enjoy it or should I just digest whatever? That may be the best manners, so legit asking.

I'm getting the feeling this is a "know your host" kind of situation. If you were coming to ours, we would be happy that you were bringing something you like and honored that you were sharing a piece of your family tradition with us.

But we might not be the best barometer of Thanksgiving propriety. We had three different kinds of cranberries for several years. On purpose.

 

[mjkacmom]

Until I joined the DIS, I never knew anyone who drank at a holiday meal. Nobody at our family meals drank and when DH and I got married nobody on either side of his family drank at the holidays.

I am really not sure what someone would do if wine was brought. We do have a couple of alcoholics, I am going to guess it would quietly be explained so the guest wouldn’t be upset.

I’ve never been to a holiday meal, birthday party, religious celebration including weddings, communions, baptisms, graduation parties, bbqs, dinner party without alcohol. I do know of three individuals in my social circles who don’t drink, two won’t drink ever, one very rarely. We have friends who only drink beer, but appreciate gifts of wine to put out at parties or impromptu get together. DH, dd22 and ds20 are beer people, I’m a wine gal. I don’t know many who drink the hard stuff, at least on a regular basis (my friend did order a vodka club soda last night at the HS soccer dinner apparently the Elks club makes them too strong). I drank wine and there was a pitcher of beer on the table. Xc dinner at a catering hall was byob.

 

[Allison]

It is mindboggling and amazing and disturbing to me to see how many here are in the 'It is rude to bring something to add".
Wow.... how narcissistic and presumptuous and rude... ALL guest have to eat what I want, how I prepare it, and I must be GOD, because I am able to provide every single desire.

I tend to forego those types of situations.

You are in control of your own birthday party, graduation, wedding, etc....
To think that one can take ownership and full control of a major holiday...
Really????
SAD.

You are making way too much out of it. I mean saying that people think they must be GOD. That is over the top.

 

[HeatherC]

We are a big family...about 30 people when we are all together. So we always all bring stuff. Otherwise, whoever is hosting would go bankrupt.

Thanksgiving is always at my brothers because they have the biggest house. Between food and drinks and even with everyone bringing stuff I know it will cost him a fortune.

I can see paying for everything if you are only having a couple people, but 30 is a lot no matter what you serve.

 

[jaiminee krikit]

When I host thanksgiving dinner, I don’t want anyone bringing anything. When I was growing up, my grandma did it all so that’s how I like to do it. My guests are there to enjoy their meal and relax. But my MIL always brings a pumpkin pie. Even when I ask her not to (I made a pumpkin dessert a few years ago and didn’t feel we needed 2 pumpkin items). I give up telling her not to and just accept hers.

 

[Wishing on a star]

Allison, I know it sounds that way.... But, just speaking from personal experience... Seen it... BTDT.

It is just basic to me... who 'owns' or 'controls' a holiday.
That applies to 'You can't bring anything' as well as 'You must bring _____.'
BOTH ways.
Seriously. A major holiday should be a come one, come all, the more the merrier.
Save the I am the best, I am in total control, and you should be just so happy with exactly what I serve, for your own events.

Last Christmas, my one sister with the largest house hosted... Had the drinks, dishes, etc...
I brought most of the food, as I had offered, even though I had to haul it over an hour from home after cooking.
And another sister brought a lot of food as well.

 

[Wishing on a star]

And, OHHHHHH..... This whole discussion is nothing new. It is not something that I haven't thought about.
I am remembering the thread in the past where one family member, sister I believe, hosted Christmas, and Christmas dinner was (assumed day old) Subway Sandwiches.

 

[shoney]

I guess whatever works for your family. Everyone is different

When I did Christmas I only asked my mom to make something. Otherwise I said drinks (meaning alcohol!) or desserts.
I also hate people in my kitchen. Please don’t help!!! Makes me nuts.

There was a post I read yesterday on here (not going back to find it) where guests prepped or cleaned dishes in a cleaning station. I would not be a happy camper if I were a guest.
I will clear my own plate but not doing anyone’s dishes! I use the “pretty plastic” dishes and silver plastic ware from
Costco for indoor holidays In the garbage they go...... even I am not doing dishes! Lol
I would be happy to bring a dish but not to cook or prep at Anyone’s home.

 

[TheDisneyNurse]

My family members bring over dessert items. We go all out for dessert— pies, cakes, ice cream, chocolates, etc.

Personally, I could never come over enpty handed. I simply wasn’t raised that way.

 

[disykat]

I would be happy to bring a dish but not to cook or prep at Anyone’s home.

To me that's half the fun of having a big holiday meal - cooking it and cleaning it up together!

 

[Lynn CC]

No, I love to cook everything myself. They usually bring something like a baked goodie, or wine but I tell them not to bring a thing just themselves. I don't want them to stress out about it!

 

[CdnCarrie]

Yes, it is rude. You are saying that what the host is serving isn't good enough for you. If you want roasted butternut squash, make it for yourself and enjoy it at home.

I'm with the group that will always ask about bringing something. At Thanksgiving (Canadian - to in October), I was invited to a friend-of-a-friend's dinner (we're in Europe, so it was a bunch of expats). I didn't know them to ask, so I brought Nanaimo Bars. I made it clear that they did not need to be served and that the hosts were welcome to keep them for themselves for later. Being in Europe, Nanaimo bars are a nice treat from home.

In the end, they weren't served as part of the meal, but they did get eaten after dinner when we were still sitting around chatting.

If the host doesn't have a specific item I can bring, I always bring something that they can put away and enjoy for themselves later (I don't drink, so I don't bring wine - because I have no idea how to choose a good one).

No it’s not rude.

 

[CdnCarrie]

When I host thanksgiving dinner, I don’t want anyone bringing anything. When I was growing up, my grandma did it all so that’s how I like to do it. My guests are there to enjoy their meal and relax. But my MIL always brings a pumpkin pie. Even when I ask her not to (I made a pumpkin dessert a few years ago and didn’t feel we needed 2 pumpkin items). I give up telling her not to and just accept hers.

OMG how inconsiderate of her!