Thanksgiving as a guest question

It is mindboggling and amazing and disturbing to me to see how many here are in the 'It is rude to bring something to add".
Wow.... how narcissistic and presumptuous and rude... ALL guest have to eat what I want, how I prepare it, and I must be GOD, because I am able to provide every single desire.

I tend to forego those types of situations.

You are in control of your own birthday party, graduation, wedding, etc....
To think that one can take ownership and full control of a major holiday...
Really????
SAD.

LOL!!! Sounds like you’ve had some really hurtful experiences of some kind.

If I am hosting a meal and setting up a buffet or serving at the table and a guest shows up with an unexpected huge casserole of noodle/beet/turnip salad and a big pan of their “special” green bean casserole and a frozen pie that needs to bake in my already busy oven for an hour, that would be very inconsiderate. (Has all happened. Actually, I don’t recall what was in that bizarre salad.)

By definition, the host should coordinate and be in control. If you, as a guest, want to contribute or participate, just communicate with your host first! The person opening their home is not being rude or narcissistic or playing God, but they are shouldering a lot of work and planning. And if that boggles your mind or disturbs you, you may not be a very welcome guest...
 
Speaking of kids tables.....years ago my Mom set my niece and nephew (prob 4 and 5 years old) up at the kitchen bar counter only a few feet from the dining room. There just wasn’t room at the table and these kids weren’t known for sitting long. Well my SIL was mad and she stood next to them and ate visibly annoyed! Ooops my mom didn’t do it to be malicious she thought it was a help since they didn’t like to sit. So again can’t please everyone!
 
The only time I got my feelings hurt over bringing something was years ago for our family Christmas. It is a "everyone bring something" party and we do a "reply to all" email to get the menu set. One of the things I said I would bring was rolls. I don't bake, but I did buy the rolls from a very nice bakery and spent a decent amount of money on them. When we got to my aunt's house, she had bought the $1.00/pkg brown and serve rolls and only served those instead of my bakery ones. It would be one thing if I had shown up unexpectedly with the rolls, but I HAD SIGNED UP FOR THEM!!!!!
 

The only time I got my feelings hurt over bringing something was years ago for our family Christmas. It is a "everyone bring something" party and we do a "reply to all" email to get the menu set. One of the things I said I would bring was rolls. I don't bake, but I did buy the rolls from a very nice bakery and spent a decent amount of money on them. When we got to my aunt's house, she had bought the $1.00/pkg brown and serve rolls and only served those instead of my bakery ones. It would be one thing if I had shown up unexpectedly with the rolls, but I HAD SIGNED UP FOR THEM!!!!!


I have a similar story. The first year that we were married we went to my in-laws' for thanksgiving (and every year since, too). I asked my MIL what I could bring, and she suggested I could bring pie. I made homemade pumpkin pie (like my mom makes). The recipe makes 2 pies, so I took them both, even though there were only going to be 5 of us at dinner. When we got there, MIL *also* had 4 pies (store bought), including 2 pumpkin. There were 5 people and six pies. She claimed that someone at work was selling them for charity but felt like she had to buy them, but four!?

The next year, she suggested that I could bring cranberry sauce. Again I made my mom's homemade cranberry relish. It's a pain to make, but it's delicious. My MIL sighed when she saw it and said "I think I have a can in the pantry somewhere." And nobody else ate mine.

I have determined that they like what they like and don't appreciate anything else (even if it's "better.") Now I take green bean casserole with the nasty french-cut green beans. I refuse to eat it (and I dislike most of the other stuff too), but they like it.
 
I have a similar story. The first year that we were married we went to my in-laws' for thanksgiving (and every year since, too). I asked my MIL what I could bring, and she suggested I could bring pie. I made homemade pumpkin pie (like my mom makes). The recipe makes 2 pies, so I took them both, even though there were only going to be 5 of us at dinner. When we got there, MIL *also* had 4 pies (store bought), including 2 pumpkin. There were 5 people and six pies. She claimed that someone at work was selling them for charity but felt like she had to buy them, but four!?

The next year, she suggested that I could bring cranberry sauce. Again I made my mom's homemade cranberry relish. It's a pain to make, but it's delicious. My MIL sighed when she saw it and said "I think I have a can in the pantry somewhere." And nobody else ate mine.

I have determined that they like what they like and don't appreciate anything else (even if it's "better.") Now I take green bean casserole with the nasty french-cut green beans. I refuse to eat it (and I dislike most of the other stuff too), but they like it.

My mother-in-law, back in the days when she was still hosting family holidays, was like this as well.

For example, if I offered to bring a sweet potato casserole, she'd say, "That'll be great!" And, then, we'd get there w/ my sweet potatoes, & she'd have made some sweet potatoes as well & would tell me something like, "I didn't know if you'd change your mind, so I went ahead & made some too."

One year, for Fourth of July, we were bringing the chips. We got there, & she had 5 bags of chips on the counter - "There was a sale, so I went ahead & got them. You can just save yours & take them back home."

If I decided to just a bring a dessert, it was complete overkill, because she'd always have 3-4 other desserts.

And she always went for quantity over quality - store-brand chips, store-brand soft drinks, canned green beans, 5 pies made w/ some variation of Cool-Whip & pudding.

It didn't matter that I may have spent tons of time on a homemade cake or the sweet potato casserole.

I basically quit trying. LOL!

Over the years, I learned that were 2 things I could make which were actually appreciated & she wouldn't duplicate - a sausage & wild rice casserole that I'd make for Thanksgiving brunch (she'd have bacon, sausage, & ham already, so my sausage & wild rice casserole was really just adding more meat, but she & my FIL both LOVED that casserole & she'd even save some leftovers for herself) & my strawberry pretzel salad at Christmas.

If I brought anything other than those 2 things, she'd go ahead & fix either the same thing or something very similar. But I could always count on my sausage & wild rice casserole & my strawberry pretzel salad.

EDITED TO ADD: I forgot about the year my SIL (DH's brother's wife) hosted Thanksgiving. We were getting together the weekend before Thanksgiving, & she had decided on more of a "lunch" menu. She & my BIL were roasting a turkey & getting a ham & wanted to serve it w/ bakery rolls for sandwiches. So she wanted more lunch-y type stuff & finger-foods to go w/ it.

So my other SIL & I brought veggie platters, pasta salads, baked beans, chips, etc.

Well, my MIL decided we hadn't planned a Thanksgiving-enough meal, so she came in w/ casserole dishes of dressing, dumplings, sweet potatoes, some kind of potato dish, green bean casserole, her own fruit salad, a pecan pie, one of her Cool-Whip pies... It was ridiculous, & my SIL had no where to put everything!
 
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[QUOTE="Wendy31, post: 59980003, member: 83250"
my strawberry pretzel salad at Christmas.
[/QUOTE]

This was always my mom's "go to" thing to bring to potlucks and picnics. I am Jello challenged and can't ever get it to set up right when I try to make it.
 
Just curious what others think. If you invite family over for Thanksgiving (or any holiday for that matter), do you ask them to bring anything? I was asked to bring 3 different items. Maybe it's just personal preference, but if I decide to have a lunch or party or something at my house, I wouldn't ask people to bring anything.

Opinions?
Generally, no. If they really insist, I'll usually say they can bring a beverage or something easy like that. I don't want my guests to have to work preparing things.
 
Growing up Thanksgiving, on my dad's side, my grandma made everything. Most of us were traveling, so bringing something wasn't really something we could do. Everyone got roped into helping in the kitchen. I am also pretty sure my parents, aunts, and uncles, slipped my grandparents some cash for proving the food. We usually stayed there for a few days one holiday a year. When we celebrated with my mom's side everyone contributed. We lived within 30 mins of each other, so it was much easier.
As an adult I usually ask my SIL or MIL what I can bring. Usually they say nothing, but this year I got rolls. I ordered some from a friend who is a baker. I have no problem bringing something and do try to remember to ask.
 
Funny!!!!
Now I am seeing some examples coming thru that show what I was talking about in my post!!!

Hope everyone (who observed) had a nice Thanksgiving Holiday!
 
Just curious what others think. If you invite family over for Thanksgiving (or any holiday for that matter), do you ask them to bring anything? I was asked to bring 3 different items. Maybe it's just personal preference, but if I decide to have a lunch or party or something at my house, I wouldn't ask people to bring anything.

Opinions?

So when you were invited did you ask if there was anything you should bring or did they ask you to bring something when the offered the invitation??

Whenever I'm invited anywhere(birthday party, holiday, just hanging out...whatever), I always ask what I can bring, so I would find it strange if someone asked me to bring anything.

If I'm hosting, I usually don't ask anyone to bring anything unless they insist (usually family members or our really close friends). Then I ask what they would like to being or else give them something easy or that they are usually known for.
 
When it's just my immediate family (kids, MIL, FIL) I don't ask them to bring anything. When it's extended family then I will sometimes. It depends on what we are doing. It's expensive to do everything by yourself and I cook from scratch and always have more than I need and it's costly, I won't lie. I cooked everything myself yesterday and I decided for Christmas I won't be cooking. We are going out for Chinese food and it will probably cost the same to eat out as it would for me to make it all. No clean up either lol!
 
I have a similar story. The first year that we were married we went to my in-laws' for thanksgiving (and every year since, too). I asked my MIL what I could bring, and she suggested I could bring pie. I made homemade pumpkin pie (like my mom makes). The recipe makes 2 pies, so I took them both, even though there were only going to be 5 of us at dinner. When we got there, MIL *also* had 4 pies (store bought), including 2 pumpkin. There were 5 people and six pies. She claimed that someone at work was selling them for charity but felt like she had to buy them, but four!?

The next year, she suggested that I could bring cranberry sauce. Again I made my mom's homemade cranberry relish. It's a pain to make, but it's delicious. My MIL sighed when she saw it and said "I think I have a can in the pantry somewhere." And nobody else ate mine.

I have determined that they like what they like and don't appreciate anything else (even if it's "better.") Now I take green bean casserole with the nasty french-cut green beans. I refuse to eat it (and I dislike most of the other stuff too), but they like it.

To be fair the homemade cranberry relish versus the cranberry from the can with the can lines and jiggly mold debate has been one that has divided families for generations. Every year we buy the can, pour it onto a plate, and it sits uneaten on the table...it’s almost a centerpiece at this point. The one year my sister in law made a lovely homemade relish you would have thought she killed the family dog.
 
To be fair the homemade cranberry relish versus the cranberry from the can with the can lines and jiggly mold debate has been one that has divided families for generations. Every year we buy the can, pour it onto a plate, and it sits uneaten on the table...it’s almost a centerpiece at this point. The one year my sister in law made a lovely homemade relish you would have thought she killed the family dog.

About 75% of the canned jellied cranberry sauce went uneaten yesterday, but it's still de rigueur to serve it at my family's Thanksgiving dinners. The one time a cousin's future fiancee brought a homemade cranberry sauce people were horrified!!!


We went to my brother's house yesterday for dinner. His wife suggested we bring a dessert if we wanted to contribute, so we brought a bakery pumpkin cheesecake. Apparently she told others to bring a dessert too because there were six of them there for eight people.

Pumpkin cheesecake
Regular pumpkin pie
Apple pie
Red Velvet cake
Carrot cake
A dozen Thanksgiving decorated cupcakes

Plus SIL already had a fall themed cookie tray.
 
Oh my gosh, 60 people? Do you have Thanksgiving in someone's home or rent a hall or something?
Growing up in a 900 sq foot home we regularly had 50 people for Christmas. Card tables in bedrooms, etc. People sitting on everything from the piano bench to random chairs.
 
It is mindboggling and amazing and disturbing to me to see how many here are in the 'It is rude to bring something to add".
Wow.... how narcissistic and presumptuous and rude... ALL guest have to eat what I want, how I prepare it, and I must be GOD, because I am able to provide every single desire.

I tend to forego those types of situations.

You are in control of your own birthday party, graduation, wedding, etc....
To think that one can take ownership and full control of a major holiday...
Really????
SAD.

Allison, I know it sounds that way.... But, just speaking from personal experience... Seen it... BTDT.

It is just basic to me... who 'owns' or 'controls' a holiday.
That applies to 'You can't bring anything' as well as 'You must bring _____.'
BOTH ways.
Seriously. A major holiday should be a come one, come all, the more the merrier.
Save the I am the best, I am in total control, and you should be just so happy with exactly what I serve, for your own events.

Last Christmas, my one sister with the largest house hosted... Had the drinks, dishes, etc...
I brought most of the food, as I had offered, even though I had to haul it over an hour from home after cooking.
And another sister brought a lot of food as well.

It's clear that you have had, in your past, some event (s) that affected you deeply. But that doesn't mean that every. single. incident that has a slight resemblance to your past is the same thing you experienced. Just because you have interpreted what happened to you as controlling and the people as narcissists doesn't make that true for everyone else.
 
It might be better than having to help put up all the outside holiday decorations while you are waiting to eat.
 
I almost always was away from my family for Thanksgiving as I lived 100s of miles away and always had to work on Friday. So I often got to be the extra person invited to a family's holiday meal which I truly appreciated. Some families were big events (like the wonderful Lebanese family that I spent many holidays with) and some were just 3 or 4 people. I always took something - but I offered and it was accepted. But one thing I learned is that especially for the smaller families if they said "sure you can bring the spinach salad" it meant I needed to make the exact spinach salad that was their tradition. But that was never a problem for me.

We had Thanksgiving with my BFF (93) yesterday. Her sons cooked the turkey and a lot of the sides, but I offered long ahead of time to make the gravy, cranberry relish, homemade rolls, a pork loin and two pies. This was in New Orleans so we did not have things like cornbread dressing, green beans or sweet potatoes. They used to never have cranberry sauce - but I've been bringing the fresh cranberry orange relish for a couple of years now and now everyone wants it.

My family never had alcohol at holiday dinners (or any other time) not because of religious conviction - but because no one could afford to buy alcohol. Cokes were even a luxury. Iced tea was cheap though so that's what we had. In recent years we now usually have a mimosa or eggnog before the meal - but that iced tea is still for the meal. My DH's extended family is just full of Baptist preachers so they are pretty much iced tea people too.

When I lived in the San Francisco area my home was 2 miles from the office and was good for entertaining. Almost everyone else lived and hour away at least so I was party central. But the deal was that all I had to do was just open the door. One time I was out of town before a big party for someone getting married. I got home from my trip and my home was beautifully staged with fresh flowers and decorations. That worked for me.

I'm not much of a wine drinker (but love my IPA beer) and everyone in Northern California brings a bottle of white wine if they so much as stop by. I must have had 40 bottles of white wine - no matter how I tried to push it off on others.
 
In some families, the women serve everyone,

I'm picturing either a 50's style ranch house, or one of those branch davidian places...

It is mindboggling and amazing and disturbing to me to see how many here are in the 'It is rude to bring something to add".
Wow.... how narcissistic and presumptuous and rude... ALL guest have to eat what I want, how I prepare it, and I must be GOD, because I am able to provide every single desire.

I tend to forego those types of situations.

You are in control of your own birthday party, graduation, wedding, etc....
To think that one can take ownership and full control of a major holiday...
Really????
SAD.

It's sad that people can't be grateful for what the host provides, and feel entitled to bring what they want, regardless. If they ask the host, and the host says everything is all set, no need to bring a dish, then just a host/hostess gift is suitable. It's not about control, it's about respecting the host/hostess.

Allison, I know it sounds that way.... But, just speaking from personal experience... Seen it... BTDT.

It is just basic to me... who 'owns' or 'controls' a holiday.
That applies to 'You can't bring anything' as well as 'You must bring _____.'
BOTH ways.
Seriously. A major holiday should be a come one, come all, the more the merrier.
Save the I am the best, I am in total control, and you should be just so happy with exactly what I serve, for your own events.

Last Christmas, my one sister with the largest house hosted... Had the drinks, dishes, etc...
I brought most of the food, as I had offered, even though I had to haul it over an hour from home after cooking.
And another sister brought a lot of food as well.

And did you coordinate the dishes with each other, or just randomly decide to bring what you liked? There's a difference.
 

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