Thanksgiving as a guest question

[LongLiveRafiki]

I have no problem if someone wants to bring a dish, I just appreciate it if they let me know ahead of time. That way, there aren't duplicates that won't get eaten, way too much food overall/ not enough space, or them bringing a large portion of something that no one else will eat rather than a smaller portion so they can still have it but it won't get wasted.

 

[powellrj]

Random question for those who bring wine to dinners (outside of family), since it seems to be brought up frequently:

Have you ever brought wine and then found out that the hosts don't drink wine? Just curious because I've never considered wine as a gift for the host before. I actually don't know anyone who actually drinks it.

This is not to criticize anyone who does or the thought of it as a gift, just never really knew people who drank wine.

Until I joined the DIS, I never knew anyone who drank at a holiday meal. Nobody at our family meals drank and when DH and I got married nobody on either side of his family drank at the holidays.

I am really not sure what someone would do if wine was brought. We do have a couple of alcoholics, I am going to guess it would quietly be explained so the guest wouldn’t be upset.

 

[SirDuff]

For the hosts that don't want additional dishes - there are things I MISS from my Thanksgivings. If I'm coming to your house and having to miss my family, should I not bring the few things that feel like home to me? Not trying to argue, but I don't see the issue in something random on the table. Duplicates, yeah, I get that, but if you're making roasted butternut squash I'm not missing it. If you aren't, is it SO tacky to let me enjoy it or should I just digest whatever? That may be the best manners, so legit asking.

Yes, it is rude. You are saying that what the host is serving isn't good enough for you. If you want roasted butternut squash, make it for yourself and enjoy it at home.

I'm with the group that will always ask about bringing something. At Thanksgiving (Canadian - to in October), I was invited to a friend-of-a-friend's dinner (we're in Europe, so it was a bunch of expats). I didn't know them to ask, so I brought Nanaimo Bars. I made it clear that they did not need to be served and that the hosts were welcome to keep them for themselves for later. Being in Europe, Nanaimo bars are a nice treat from home.

In the end, they weren't served as part of the meal, but they did get eaten after dinner when we were still sitting around chatting.

If the host doesn't have a specific item I can bring, I always bring something that they can put away and enjoy for themselves later (I don't drink, so I don't bring wine - because I have no idea how to choose a good one).

 

[sasywtch]

My take is, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter are different than the normal Saturday hosted dinner party. It's a time when people want to be around family and friends (love them or not). People in families especially in laws may have different customs, dishes etc. To me, it's suppose to be a feast. We are having a small family get together this year as my son/dil were invited to my ex's this year (my other 3 kids were not invited). The three decided what they were making as I'm making the turkey. I invited a friend who had no where to go and she asked if we were having green bean casserole that she loves. I told her no so she's making it. The more the merrier. My other friend asked what he could bring and he makes pies so he's making a pumpkin pie. I do think it's weird as the pp mentioned her neighbors brought over duplicate dishes. To me, you don't duplicate dishes but if someone asks, are you making such and such and I say no, they are welcome to add it to the table.

 

[Captainkidd76]

Just because the way you would do things is different than the way your family does it, does not mean they are wrong, just different.

Hosting a holiday dinner for Family often has different traditions than if you were hosting your own dinner party. It seems to be pretty common for other family members to bring something. It is family so usually a joint effort.

If you feel so strongly that the entire family should celebrate Thanksgiving on somebody else's dime, there is a very simple solution. Next year you host the entire Thanksgiving. You can do all the cooking and foot the bill. I would not be complaining about being asked to bring 3 very simple things in exchange for someone doing all the coordinating, planning, buying, cooking, and cleaning.

That said, we have been hosting our family Thanksgiving for over 30 years, some years under 10 people, some years over 30. This year, our college kids are bringing roommates that are not going home for Thanksgiving. I have never asked anyone to bring anything, although, family always asks. There are some dishes our immediate family doesn't like (sweet potatoes) that others in the family think it would be sacrilegious to not have them on the table at Thanksgiving. They are more than welcome to bring their favorite dishes. I never ask people to bring something but never turn down someone if they want to bring something. Our menu is usually pretty relaxed so we can always accommodate contributions.

I never said they were wrong. I just said, me personally, I wouldn't ask people to bring anything.

 

[antmaril]

Random question for those who bring wine to dinners (outside of family), since it seems to be brought up frequently:

Have you ever brought wine and then found out that the hosts don't drink wine? Just curious because I've never considered wine as a gift for the host before. I actually don't know anyone who actually drinks it.

This is not to criticize anyone who does or the thought of it as a gift, just never really knew people who drank wine.

If I know the hosts don’t drink, I bring a box of good chocolates or some other hostess gift.

 

[blana]

My family does pot luck type meals for all get-togethers, including Christmas and Thanksgiving. Much easier on everyone involved. My MIL asks each of us to bring specific dishes, which is more annoying to me, but, hey, I deal. (This year, my required dishes are baked beans & dessert "for the kids because I've already got the good cake", which means dessert for me, too, because I hate the "good cake".)

 

[stsomewhere]

We have it at my Aunt's house. It can get very crowded. My grandparents passed away a few years ago. So this is the one holiday where we all get together. It has grown as my generation has gotten married and had kids, now our kids are old enough to bring significant others. It will grow again next year since my cousin's son is expecting.

 

[Owlpost23]

We always go to our friends' home for Thanksgiving and always bring something. I can't imagine not! Hosts always do turkey, stuffing, gravy, mashed potatoes (because she makes the best mashed potatoes EVER) and WINE. Everyone else brings the rest, but the host usually asks for a category (apps, pie, dessert, salad, etc). I usually do appetizers, but this year she's asked if I can bring some sort of side dish. I am making smoked paprika spiced roasted butternut squash and a pan of roasted root veggies (sweet potato, turnip/rutabega, parsnips, carrots, leeks, beets).

Because my favorite part to Thanksgiving is the leftovers, I will also make a small turkey at home over the weekend. We'll have turkey, stuffing, gravy, green bean casserole, creamed onions, jellied cranberry sauce, blueberry pie (because I have a 10lb box of frozen blueberries) and MAYBE Indian pudding. I won't have anything on that list after "gravy" at our friends' home, but this is what says "Thanksgiving dinner" to me!

Indian pudding! With ice cream melting on top.One of my mother's favorites.

 

[Sabeking]

I can NOT show up empty handed, and with a couple of bottles of wine. Hell, this year, I'm thinking I may make a couple of unasked for sides that are part of my traditions that I want to share It doesn't seem like Thanksgiving for me without butternut squash for instance, would be the same. If no one else enjoys it, NBD, but man, I'm struggling with it not being on the table as it's one of my faves.

In the last few years we have been invited to my sister in law’s. They keep having it she says so she can knock everyone out in one sitting like stepmom, stepdad, etc... That way she only has to do one Thanksgiving. Anyway, like you there are certain things that I love to have and offer to make so I can have them. But each year they get a precooked turketta, blech . I hate it, I love traditional turkey. Can you inmagine if I said, can I bring the turkey this year? So, every year we end up doing our own Thanksgiving the next day.

 

[clutter]

For the hosts that don't want additional dishes - there are things I MISS from my Thanksgivings. If I'm coming to your house and having to miss my family, should I not bring the few things that feel like home to me? Not trying to argue, but I don't see the issue in something random on the table. Duplicates, yeah, I get that, but if you're making roasted butternut squash I'm not missing it. If you aren't, is it SO tacky to let me enjoy it or should I just digest whatever? That may be the best manners, so legit asking.

You say "I'd love to contribute a family side dish of roasted butternut squash, if that will work for you." If the answer is "no", or "no, but please bring a dessert" you make it for yourself at home.

Overall, it simply depends on the circumstances. With family, we have the traditional dishes, so we do tend to divvy them up if we get together. If I'm hosting someone else, I've got all my traditionals, but feel free to add something else. If I'm invited somewhere, I will usually offer to bring something, and am happy to be asked to do so. But some friends, I know better than to do that....

 

[KathyTX]

I had to Google “turketta”. While it looks really tasty, that is NOT a Thanksgiving turkey! I would be really disappointed to not have a beautiful big whole turkey as the centerpiece of the meal.

We also spent a lot of years going to a family dinner where the turkey was carved/shredded into little bits in the kitchen and only a platter of turkey bits showed up on the table. I always was disappointed to not not have the whole gloriously browned bird presented and carved at the table.

 

[soccerdad72]

We also spent a lot of years going to a family dinner where the turkey was carved/shredded into little bits in the kitchen and only a platter of turkey bits showed up on the table. I always was disappointed to not not have the whole gloriously browned bird presented and carved at the table.

Outside of Hallmark movies, I didn't think anyone actually did that (e.g. carved the bird at the table)?

 

[Runnergal]

My take is, Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter are different than the normal Saturday hosted dinner party. It's a time when people want to be around family and friends (love them or not). People in families especially in laws may have different customs, dishes etc. To me, it's suppose to be a feast. We are having a small family get together this year as my son/dil were invited to my ex's this year (my other 3 kids were not invited). The three decided what they were making as I'm making the turkey. I invited a friend who had no where to go and she asked if we were having green bean casserole that she loves. I told her no so she's making it. The more the merrier. My other friend asked what he could bring and he makes pies so he's making a pumpkin pie. I do think it's weird as the pp mentioned her neighbors brought over duplicate dishes. To me, you don't duplicate dishes but if someone asks, are you making such and such and I say no, they are welcome to add it to the table.

I totally agree with this. I am going to my mother in laws; she is in her 80s but refuses to give up hosting thanksgiving because she “must” cook for the doormen on duty as well. I will make pies and a couple other dishes that we like. My parents are going to family friends, and since it will be a big group with a lot of hs/college age boys, the host asked my mom to make an additional turkey, plus any “favorites” she has. And yes, there will be wine. Lots of it.

 

[jrmasm]

Outside of Hallmark movies, I didn't think anyone actually did that (e.g. carved the bird at the table)?

Same. I've never seen it in person.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Holidays are way different IMO than other things like a lunch or a party.

It shifts and changes and depends year to year for my family. This year when I asked my mom what we should bring she replied the same as always, what you want to drink, but then she also mentioned if you feel up to it $10 to help chip in for food. This year there was some family drama and they decided to just get food from a grocery store (which actually has really good quality food) and order the Holiday Meal Package to save some sanity. She's not expecting us to give $10 but I said of course no worries. I don't necessarily expect the same thing to occur next year. It just depends. We always ask though as a courtesy. Most often the only thing we bring is what we want to drink.

On the other hand my father-in-law's new wife has never wanted us to bring anything to any meal. She actually would view it as a grave insult should be want to bring something as if to her she couldn't provide everything we would want. She sent a text message for the family thanksgiving dinner and asked if the menu was ok. So then my husband's step-sister (no longer by marriage though) said she'd like some stuffing so that was added to the menu and then my husband talked about some other food or drink and the step-sister mentioned something and then father-in-law's wife said point blank "guys I was asking if the menu was ok I don't you to bring anything at all lol". We often bring our own beer if we're going to drink alcohol though.

My mother-in-law it also depends year to year. Last year for Christmas Eve dinner she requested we bring a side and we brought one. They loved it so much they requested we bring that for Thanksgiving. We again always ask as a courtesy. Some years it's nothing and then other years it's more of "can you pick these things up for me we'll pay you back" and some years it's "hey can you bring a salad or a side".

That said I think it's hard to know how the conversation went down for the OP. Was this a normal thing where items are divided up or is this a sudden shift in norms. We wouldn't find it rude if any one of our family members said "hey can you bring x,y,z?" because it's something that has happened in the past or we've always offered up by asking what we should bring. But if the OP's family just up and said "you bring x,y,z" and it was out of the norm I can at least understand the frustration though I wouldn't personally make a big fuss about it.

 

[Mackenzie Click-Mickelson]

Until I joined the DIS, I never knew anyone who drank at a holiday meal. Nobody at our family meals drank and when DH and I got married nobody on either side of his family drank at the holidays.

I am really not sure what someone would do if wine was brought. We do have a couple of alcoholics, I am going to guess it would quietly be explained so the guest wouldn’t be upset.

My grandmother is an alcoholic. We don't force others to not drink because of it. She's been that way for years and years and years and years. On the other hand when my husband's step-brother (no longer by marriage) went into rehab after nearly dying from alcohol poisoning (he should have died honestly) there was a short period afterwards where it was requested to not bring alcohol over to the house to drink (eating out was a different thing).

Most often at my mother-in-law's for holidays we'll drink Welch's Sparking Grape Juice just as a tradition. But at my mom's and my father-in-law's alcohol has always been around for the holidays. That said no one really drinks wine. It's usually beer. We have gotten wine as a gift a couple of times. My husband and I drink wine but not often (usually it's beer). We got gin for our housewarming party over 4 years ago. I'd say gin is an odd choice IMO but we graciously took it though.

If it's a close enough friend or family member they probably know your family doesn't drink. If it's a not so familiar person they may just bring wine as a nice gift though I could understand being unsure what to do with it if no one around you drinks.

 

[KathyTX]

Outside of Hallmark movies, I didn't think anyone actually did that (e.g. carved the bird at the table)?

Really? We always do when I host Thanksgiving at my house. My husband was fabulous turkey carver... he was in charge of carving at the table and later deboning for leftovers.

 

[tzolkin]

Really? We always do when I host Thanksgiving at my house. My husband was fabulous turkey carver... he was in charge of carving at the table and later deboning for leftovers.

I think it’s because many people serve the food buffet-style.

Our extended family is too large to fit at one table (usually about 30), so the turkey is carved while everyone is hanging out in the kitchen and then platters are added to the buffet.

If we have a small thanksgiving, we carve and serve all the food at the dining table.

 

[HopperFan]

Outside of Hallmark movies, I didn't think anyone actually did that (e.g. carved the bird at the table)?

Or National Lampoon Christmas Vacation