Thankgiving Drama started today... Am I wrong here? Update in post #113.

[Papa Deuce]

Could BILs wife pick mom up? That way he wouldn't have to do all the driving himself that day.

FWIW, I don't think you're wrong, I wouldn't do it either. You have enough on your plate that day.

Now, you have ME confused. I would take my mom to BIL's, but she turned me down twice.

Oh, you mean my brother's wife, I'm guessing.... Maybe she could, but I'm staying out of it.

 

[shortbun]

Now, you have ME confused. I would take my mom to BIL's, but she turned me down twice.

Oh, you mean my brother's wife, I'm guessing.... Maybe she could, but I'm staying out of it.

LOL, you're not staying out of it; you're deeply involved in it. They are both mad at you and you're being peevish because your mother changed her plans.
She's entitled to change her plans and you're entitled to say 'no, I can't drive you'. You brought it to us looking for support. You have mine because I think it's ok for you to say, "I have too much going on that day to spend 4 hours on the road." I do think though that it would be very nice of you to take the time to work out something for your mom that day. You can not change that she's your mom just like your daughters will never be able to deny you.

 

[Lionqueen2]

Make the the pie the night before, have the prime rib in the oven while you drive your mom to your brother's, and make the green bean casserole at your BIL's house (how do you plan to keep it warm for that long drive anyway?).

But really, if you don't want to drive your mom to your brother's house, just don't do it. It really is his responsibiity if he invited someone who he knows does not drive.

This is what I'd do - reorganize. It's all doable.
True, your brother should be doing the driving both ways, but a little extra effort on your part would really make mom's day.
You are already making an extra effort for someone else by going to your BIL's house and not concerned about the driving. You are also contributing extra by doing some of the cooking for him. Mom should also be worth the extra consideration.
This shouldn't be an issue of what's right or what's fair, but about the kind thing to do. If it means that much for mom to be at brother's on Thanksgiving, I'd do what I could to try to make it happen.

 

[LuvCuteBoys]

If my mom ever told me "I don't want to spend time with you, but can you take me to your brother's house" I would be beyond hurt.

 

[focusondisney]

Am I the only one who noticed this : Mom wanted to volunteer at a shelter, decided not to & then her "BACK UP PLAN" fell through.

So Mom not only made her own plans once, she made BACK UP plans,too. Now she wants to spend the day with her other son (THIRD set of plans by my count). All with out counsulting Papa Duece. She is now free to carry out those plans. WITHOUT Papa Duece.

Papa Duece, have a great Thanksgiving. You are NOT responsible for your mom's transportation. She should take responsibility to finalize her own plans, that she made without you.

 

[Luv Bunnies]

This reminds me of something that happened in my family many, many years ago. My grandmother needed to get to her brother's funeral about 1 1/2 hours from her house. One of her sons lived right down the street from her and she was all set to ride with him and his wife. But, before the funeral, they had a huge fight and my uncle said he wasn't going to drive her. So she called my dad and asked for a ride. We lived 2 hours from her. So my dad agreed to drive the 2 hours with my sister, brother and me (my mom couldn't get off work), stay overnight at her house and then take her to the funeral the day after that. We were barely out of town when some guy rear-ended us on the freeway. Our car spun around 3 times while he hit us again. The car was totalled. Luckily, no one was injured. We never made it to grandma's or the funeral and my uncle ended up driving her anyway.

My uncle felt really stupid for the fight and agreed that he should have taken her in the first place. He felt responsible for our accident. From then on, he took grandma where ever she needed to go - no questions asked, no feelings in the way.

I'm not insinuating that your situation is the same, but the driving should really fall on whoever is closer and whoever doesn't have to totally change their plans to do it. If your brother wants grandma at his house, he should get her and leave you out of it.

 

[VickiVM]

PD - work with your brother to make your mom happy. Yeah it's a pain in the butt, everyone'e inconvenienced, and the day does not unfold exactly as you had planned, but she's your mom who wants to be with her family. Perhaps her earlier plan was just a front because it really wasn't her desire to spend the day with your wife's family.

I've recently joined the ranks of the 'sandwich' generation and am trying to manage the care of my mom who has a bit of dementia and recently broke her hip, among other health issues. My life has been turned upside down having to make last minute trips to her house that is 120 miles away to take her to dr's appts, sort her meds, and deal with untrustworthy caretakers. And I work f/t and have 3 teens whose lives my DH and I manage together. I often think back to when I was young and had my mom running ragged on my behalf.

I know you're all about your family...You can be a hero here to your mom and also show your girls what it means to take care of our parents as they age.

In everything I do for my mom, even though it's burdensome and a total interruption of my life, I know my kids are observing and learning what it means to take care of extended family.

Good luck

 

[ksjayhawks]

I still say that you do not have to driver her. You are already driving 2 1/2 hours (give or take) to go to BIL's house and cooking food to take.

If your brother comes and gets her and takes her back, he will also be driving 2 1/2 hours (give or take). Why should you drive another 1 plus hours (total now of close to 4 hours for you!) so your brother only has to drive 1 plus hours???

He invited her, he should be the one to get her and then bring her back home; it does not matter that she lives close to you. You have other plans and should not have to change them. What would your brother have done if you were out of town those days? He would have had to get her then or leave her at home.

If one or the other calls again, simply reply "The answer is no, it is not possible." Then change the subject. If they call again, "I have already given you my answer. Can you believe how warm (cold) it is today?"

Remember: Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

 

[SandiH]

I can't seem to understand why Papa should be the hero in this situation. He and his family have plans. His mom was invited to go with them to a place she typically enjoys. She decided not to go. Why is it again the Papa should add an extra hour and a half to his day??? Why can't the brother add the extra hour and a half to his day? Big deal he'll have to drive both ways. Shouldn't the brother be the hero and do that for his mom??? Why oh why should Papa be the hero? It's his brothers mom too. He should step up and be the hero if he wants her there.

The only thing I might do if I were you Papa is to tell mom she's still welcome to go with you and your family. If she still doesn't want to, then oh well. Dinner at your brother's is not your event, not your invitation, not your responsibility.

I hope you are able to enjoy your Thanksgiving without all the drama. Really, what fun is drama anyway?

 

[SandiH]

I still say that you do not have to driver her. You are already driving 2 1/2 hours (give or take) to go to BIL's house and cooking food to take.

If your brother comes and gets her and takes her back, he will also be driving 2 1/2 hours (give or take). Why should you drive another 1 plus hours (total now of close to 4 hours for you!) so your brother only has to drive 1 plus hours???

He invited her, he should be the one to get her and then bring her back home; it does not matter that she lives close to you. You have other plans and should not have to change them. What would your brother have done if you were out of town those days? He would have had to get her then or leave her at home.

If one or the other calls again, simply reply "The answer is no, it is not possible." Then change the subject. If they call again, "I have already given you my answer. Can you believe how warm (cold) it is today?"

Remember: Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

Exactly!!!

 

[disneyelaine]

I can not understand a mom who would hang up on her son!

I can't get past that. Sounds like Mom throwing a tantrum because adult son won't do as she says. But to Hang Up on him, that would be my final straw.

 

[VickiVM]

I can't seem to understand why Papa should be the hero in this situation. He and his family have plans. His mom was invited to go with them to a place she typically enjoys. She decided not to go. Why is it again the Papa should add an extra hour and a half to his day??? Why can't the brother add the extra hour and a half to his day? Big deal he'll have to drive both ways. Shouldn't the brother be the hero and do that for his mom??? Why oh why should Papa be the hero? It's his brothers mom too. He should step up and be the hero if he wants her there.

The only thing I might do if I were you Papa is to tell mom she's still welcome to go with you and your family. If she still doesn't want to, then oh well. Dinner at your brother's is not your event, not your invitation, not your responsibility.

I hope you are able to enjoy your Thanksgiving without all the drama. Really, what fun is drama anyway?

No, you're right - PD doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. Sounded like he was conflicted about his decision. Gave my opinion.

No one has to do anything for a family member that is a bother - there's no obligation. But if there's a compromise that everyone can live with, it's worth picking up the phone and discussing. We're not talking about who's going to pick up a second cousin twice removed...we're talking making sure Mom is not alone for Thanksgiving.

 

[disneyelaine]

QUOTE:...we're talking making sure Mom is not alone for Thanksgiving.[/QUOTE]

Which is fine, but remember Papa's Mom plan all along was to NOT be with family, but help at a soup kitchen. I assume that was her CHOICE. So now, momma changes her mind about that, and then her backup plan fell thru (OP never said what momma's back up plan was) and now Momma is creating the drama by hanging up on a son who asked her twice to spend Thanksgiving with him & his inlaws, all because he won't drive her to the brother's she says she wants to spend Thanksgiving with now. She sounds pretty indecisive about what she actually wants. OP, is this the usual behavior from her?

 

[SpecialK]

No, you're right - PD doesn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do. Sounded like he was conflicted about his decision. Gave my opinion.

No one has to do anything for a family member that is a bother - there's no obligation. But if there's a compromise that everyone can live with, it's worth picking up the phone and discussing. We're not talking about who's going to pick up a second cousin twice removed...we're talking making sure Mom is not alone for Thanksgiving.

I agree. PD - you're not wrong, but if it was me, I'd try to reach a compromise. Could you and your brother meet half-way? Could she go the night before?

Doesn't matter how indecisive your mother was about this or what plans she had. She's your mother. I'd try to find a solution that erases the ill-will and leaves everybody happy.

 

[minkydog]

PD, You do not have to be the one who takes your mom all the way to your brother's house. If he's not willing to take her, that's his business. If she calls again I'd invite her one more time to your house. But if she insists that you take her to your brother's I'd just say no. You DO have plans. Big plans that do not include a 3-4 hour trip out of town. Don't let them bully you. You know you're right.

 

[Papa Deuce]

......

She sounds pretty indecisive about what she actually wants. OP, is this the usual behavior from her?

Oh, if you only knew....

BTW, her backup plan was to go eat at the house of a neighbor she used to live next door to. I don't know how / why it fell through.

 

[Imzadi]

Am I the only one who noticed this : Mom wanted to volunteer at a shelter, decided not to & then her "BACK UP PLAN" fell through.

So Mom not only made her own plans once, she made BACK UP plans, too. Now she wants to spend the day with her other son (THIRD set of plans by my count). All with out counsulting Papa Duece. She is now free to carry out those plans. WITHOUT Papa Duece.

I noticed and wrote it too. Since PD invited her twice and she decided to make three other sets of plans which didn't include PD. That's a total of FIVE times she has clearly chosen to not bee with PD, except to use him as chauffeur service. that is actually a lot of nerve and insensitivity.

QUOTE:...we're talking making sure Mom is not alone for Thanksgiving.

Frankly, if the Mom ends up alone on Thanksgiving, she deserves it. She can then think about how she had been invited twice by PD. And how the second brother left her high & dry in the end because he couldn't be bothered to pick her up. maybe she should spend the day reflecting on her other son's selfishness.

People keep saying how PD should change his plans to accomodate his mother, why not the other brother.

From reading the OP, it didn't say the other brother couldn't pick up his mother, it said he doesn't WANT to.

 

[MAKmom]

If your mother only lives 4 blocks from you I bet you do way more than your brother does. Who takes her shopping?

Anyway tell him it is too much in 1 day he should keep her all weekend.

 

[Pugsley]

If my mom ever told me "I don't want to spend time with you, but can you take me to your brother's house" I would be beyond hurt.

Exactly! PD is the one who should be mad. That's pretty rude for her to turn you down and then expect you to take her somewhere else. (Plus that is so wrong for your brother to invite her but expect you to transport her.) Also in your OP I believe you said that after she decided not to do the soup kitchen, her back-up plans fell through and THEN she decided to go to your brother's house. So it sounds like going to your brother's house was her third choice, making you her fourth choice (if you were in the running at all). And you're supposed to drive her??? I'd be the one who would be hurt and angry if I were you. I'm always amazed by the people here who say it's your mother so you have to do anything she wants, no matter how ridiculous it is. I don't agree with that at all.

 

[C.Ann]

Call your brother.. conversation:

"Mom wants you to call her and let her know what time you'll be picking her up.. Gotta go - one of the kids is crying.."

From that point on use your answering machine and screen your calls until after Thanksgiving..