Thankgiving Drama started today... Am I wrong here? Update in post #113.

[VillageMama]

PD's mom didn't hang the phone up on him because she's feeling so loved and cherished.

True, but not every mother who hangs up on her child is sane or reasonable or cares about anyone else's feelings other than her own.

And not every grown child is willing to kill himself on a holiday in order to spare the feelings of someone who doesn't care about his.

I'm not saying this applies to the OP. I just mean to point out that not everyone has a healthy relationship with his or her parents... sometimes for reasons that are out of their control.

It's perfectly acceptable for a grown child to make holiday plans that are joyful and fulfilling for himself, too. If spending three hours in a car on Thanksgiving is not something you want to do, you really don't need to do it.

 

[phorsenuf]

Not an option.... They have a 2 BR home. The daughter is in one room, they have the other BR, and the FIL lives in a room they built off the kitchen. And the house is TINY... you can barely even walk around in the house.

Yes it is. The daughter can sleep on the couch for a night. She wouldn't be willing to do that one night for her grandmother? I'm assuming too then that nobody ever goes to their house since it's so tiny. They never ever have people over? Seems like you're just making an excuse now. Sorry.
I'd just call the brother and give him that option. You can bring her the night before and he drives her home the next day. If he declines then I would say you've done what you could to help out your mom.

 

[Papa Deuce]

Yes it is. The daughter can sleep on the couch for a night. She wouldn't be willing to do that one night for her grandmother? I'm assuming too then that nobody ever goes to their house since it's so tiny. They never ever have people over? Seems like you're just making an excuse now. Sorry.
I'd just call the brother and give him that option. You can bring her the night before and he drives her home the next day. If he declines then I would say you've done what you could to help out your mom.

LOL... these are the same folks who never go ANYWHERE if it interferes with the girl's nap. She just turned 3.

 

[kafitty]

no, you're right, i'd be aggravated too.

i kind of understand all of the "she's your mother" things, but honestly - all parties are adults capable of making their own decisions. i don't think it's right to suddenly expect someone else to change their plans just because you suddenly decided you wanted to do something, parental relationship or not. Respect goes both ways, ya know?

 

[phorsenuf]

LOL... these are the same folks who never go ANYWHERE if it interferes with the girl's nap. She just turned 3.

Ok then, she sleeps in the parents room. Look, either your brother wants her there or not. Call and give him this option. If he refuses and says no and mom calls you tell her your tried to make arrangements but he didn't want to go along with them. Put it back on him and make him deal with it.

 

[My sister's princess]

OP I don't think you did anything wrong. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate, and are doing your best to accommodate everyone. I am in the invite her to go with you again camp.

 

[disneyfav4ever]

No, you're not wrong. You asked and asked again. When she turned you down and indicated she had firm plans, you made alternate plans that cannot be easily changed. In fact, they would be a PITA to change. I say this is between Mom and the kid she wants to dine with. You're out of it. You have your wife to think of and that trumps a mind-changing mother.

I agree. My grandmother always pulls the same kind of stuff.

 

[hereyago]

Papa-you keep to your plans. You have done enough. It's between your bro-who sounds he will help out so much when your DM gets older,etc. ,NOT and your DM.

I am a one time ask person, even with my DM. it is funny, I do alot of things DM doesn't like to do, so I dont ask her because that would be just silly.

 

[kawing123]

I too invited my parents who are invited for dinner and live three hours away. They still drive but due to family conflicts ie grandparents have endorsed teenager lying to us as just one example we no longer have them spend the night. Well my out of state brother just called them and said he would like to see them and he would be in the area on friday or saturday. Well I am not letting them spend the night for two or three nights. They can cancel and cook their own dinner and I will cook a meal for everyone when my brother gets to my house. He will not drive the additional three hours to see them. I have plans. Shop black friday and I must put my christmas decor up because the following weekend I will be out of town. I am not going to feel guilty. He did not call me he had my parents ask which I cannot help but wonder why. My parents can afford a hotel or they can just come over on Friday or Saturday. I am so tired of family using my house as some sort of station when they arrive in town. I have all the inconviences without the respect of even being consulted by the parties that try to arrange these visits.

 

[arminnie]

I am driving, cooking, etc for Thanksgiving. The location I am going to is about 1 hour and 10 minutes North of me. Of course my father is invited too.

If my father decided that he did not want to spend the day with ME, but would prefer that I drive him to see someone else (that he prefered over me and my family) an hour plus going South before starting my day I would just laugh at him.

And I am NOT a bad daughter. I gave up my career, home, and life to move thousands of miles across the country to take care of him for the past decade.

My dad is almost 89 so this could easily be his last Thanksgiving. But I really would not let him (he wouldn't try) or another sibling try to make me have a guilt trip.

I am sure PD that you do tons for your mother with her living so close. Your brother is just using your mother to try to manipulate you.

 

[AlleyKat]

3 weeks ago I invited my mom to join us at my BIL's for dinner - at his suggestion. My mom turned me down saying that she wanted to work in a soup kitchen for the day. My BIL lives 1:10 away... so this is a 2 hour and 20 minute round trip...

Last week I asked her again. And she turned me down again.

A few days ago my brother calls me and says my mom has decided not to work in the soup kitchen and her backup plans fell through. He asked me to bring my mom over to his house so he didn't have to make two round trips. He lives 40 minutes the other way. ( My mom lives just 4 blocks from me )... So he would have to drive 2 hours and 40 minutes to handle two round trips.

So that means if I did this I would have to drive 3:40 total on a day when I have plans to visit my BIL / SIL.... on a day when I'll be cooking before leaving. And my wife can't help as she is still in recovery from surgery. So, I told my brother no. If he wants to invite her, than he needs to do it all himself. His family can't come to my mom's for dinner because his FIL is an invalid, and they all live together.

Now, I don't know if my brother called my mom to get her to ask me this or not, but she called to ask me to drive her over to my brother's house so he only needs to make one round trip.

I reminded her that I did in fact invite her to go with us TWICE, and she said no, and now, I have plans and won't drive her to my brother's house.

She just hung up the phone on me.

Am I wrong, here?

NO!

I'm not reading that you agreed to be anyone's chauffeur or doormat!

 

[java]

No you are not wrong. Forget it. enjoy your holiday.
Since when are you the cab?

You asked her to join you. She said no. Now one week to go you already have your plans in place. If your brother wants her to visit he can go get her(I'm assuming she doesn't drive?)

I am not thrilled with the way my day is turning out. I am actually considering an offer from an internet friend to join them on that day. I have known her for 11 years online and we've never met. But it's so low pressure - she understands that we want to do the parade in NYC. Then just chill after.
We'll see. right now my albratrose is that my Dad who told me he was going to his girlfriends house- out of state. Just called yesterday to say that they broke up. And he's available now.
but I'm not.

 

[karensi]

First of all, let me say, no, you're not wrong...however, as Dr Phil says, this situation calls for a hero, and why not step up and be that person.

Neither you nor your brother want to drive your Mom (as a Mom, that would make me feel bad,) but anyway, if Mom is going to do what she wishes on Thanksgiving, which is go to your brothers, and your brother will not do the right thing, by picking her up, then someone has to. I understand it would be an inconvenience, but hey, she's your Mom.

In the whole scheme of your life, how terrible is it to inconvenience yourself for your Mom?

Sorry, guess Im speaking as a Mom who wouldn't want to feel the way your Mom is probably feeling right now.

Karen

 

[Papa Deuce]

First of all, let me say, no, you're not wrong...however, as Dr Phil says, this situation calls for a hero, and why not step up and be that person.

Karen

Because, like I said, I have a big trip planned, and I promised my BIL that I would be bringing Pecan pie, Prime Rib, and Green Bean Casserole with me, and nobody who can help me since my wife is not able to help.

I'll be getting up around 8ish.... be cooking by 9ish... and be on the road to where I am planning on going by noonish.

BTW, and certainly no malice on this.... if Dr. Phil says something, I'm of the mind to do the exact opposite. I think he's a fraud and scam artist. But, I get your point, nonetheless.

 

[arminnie]

In the whole scheme of your life, how terrible is it to inconvenience yourself for your Mom?

Less terrible than it would be to disrespect and inconvenience his wife and daughters so he can placate a woman who has rejected him on this holiday.

 

[MinnieTink]

Haha Dr Phil is a scam artist and a fraud! That's what my DH says. He also has a pretty high maintenance family and the driving is an issue for us too. His mom lives about an hour and a half away east. His sister lives an hour south of us. We picked her up last Thanksgiving and she had dinner with us. My SIL said she would meet us about 10-15 minutes away from her house to pick up MIL who was staying with her. Way to meet halfway! NOT. It caused much drama and my DH ended up driving her all the way to SIL because she would not budge. Sometimes I'm happy to be an only child.

You did NOT do anything wrong. Your brother needs to come and get her.

 

[karensi]

For the record, I'm not really a big Dr Phil fan either, I just think that the words "this situation calls for a hero" make sense, especially in a situation like this.


BTW, PD, let us know what you ultimately decided to do. Not passing any judgement here, just curios as to how the situation was resolved...or not

Karen

 

[LilyWDW]

OP, you have every right to tell them no. You have your plans and you have already attempted to reach out to your mother. Instead she turned you down and now expects you to drop what you have planned to take her somewhere totally out of the way.

Tell them no can do. If she wants to be there, then she and your brother can figure it out. It is between them... honestly, you should have nothing to do with it. Worry about your plans and your wife/children...

I actually just told my own mother this story and she was aghast that your mother would expect this of you. Her words, "I would NEVER make such a crazy request of you!"

 

[luv2nascar]

I don't think you did anything wrong. I wouldn't drive my mom even if I was staying home. Its your brothers responsibility to pick her up and bring her home.

 

[MrsToad]

OP, I feel like I am stepping out of bounds here, but you also need to take care of your own health and well being. You have your own immediate family that needs you more than ever given the recent surgery. If you are stressed or get sick, who will take care of things in your home? Doing the cooking and the drive to your BIL's on Thanksgiving already puts a lot on your plate that day - making the drive in the opposite direction and back that morning does not seem like a wise plan, especially since your brother should be able to handle it. I hope your mother will come to understand that.

Take care, and I hope you have a great Thanksgiving day.