Terrified to Fly!

[Tootles]

The last time we went to WDW, we drove. It was 19 hours of driving. My eldest son, loved the ride. He played his game system, watched movies, slept a lot....you get the picture. My younger son, HATED sitting in a car seat for that long. He would have fits and sob if we drove too long without stopping. So, now, we're planning another wonderful WDW vacation! Yeah!! This time though, we opted to fly. (2 1/2 hrs and we're THERE!) My younger son, who will be 8 when we leave, is ecstatic! He's always wanted to fly on a plane! My older son, who will be almost 11 when we leave, is REFUSING to go! He says even a trip to WDW is NOT worth having to fly. He's terrified. Now, he hates heights, mind you, and roller coasters, boats and even trains for that matter. Everything frightens him. I think he would be fine, once we were in the air. He's taken the train a few times now, and seems more comfortable each trip. The first time, he basically sat in silence, 4 HOURS, and grasped onto the seat handles! What can I do to help him out? Have any other parents experienced this with their children? Any advice or words of encouragement are SO much appreciated!

 

[Dizzyworld]

The older I get, the more nervous I get about flying too. Maybe a trip to the airport ahead of time might help or to a smaller airport? Maybe a trip to an air museum?

If he can say the things that make him nervous perhaps you can find some things on this website to help you. There are mini videos.
http://www.fearofflyinghelp.com/index.shtml

A portable DVD player and a new DVD to take his mind a little off the trip.

Best wishes.

 

[Tootles]

Thanks so much for replying! Unfortunately, we're in a very small town with the nearest regular airport being 3 hours away. He has gone to the small, local airport and watched his Grandmother fly in/out regularly. I tried asking him again today, what exactly his fears were, and he gets teary eyed and says he's "just afraid of heights". I tried telling him, if he doesn't sit at a window seat, he doesn't even need to look outside. Apparently, that wasn't a good enough answer for him. Even one of his closest friends flew from the very same airport to Disney last year, so I've asked him to talk to this friend of his too. I will check out that website you mentioned though! Thanks! It is always nice to get a reply

 

[Sillyminny40]

Good post, I feel so bad for you..
Can you take him to an aviation museum and show him what planes are all about? We did that when our eldest were 3 and it was cool. (in Wpg). It may be the "unknown".

You could go to this site for some info:
http://www.anxietycanada.ca/english/index.php

He is too old for this but it helps younger kids:
http://www.kidsflysafe.com/?gclid=CO2JzL2QgJgCFQJ-xgod-RvCkA

I use to have an irrational fear of stinging insects but overcame it but have not gotten over my fear of heights. Flying is wonderful and I am the one holding everyone's hands. Go figure. I had read after my first children(twins) that fear is tranferred from one relative to another. So i wonder where your child got this (could even be a grandparent)....
A brand new gameboy game, ipod can help a lot! (not to be used on take off and landing. Always stay CHEERFUL never lose your cool. Tough isn't it?

http://www.todaysparent.com/baby/article.jsp?content=20060801_104326_4536&page=1

 

[MinnieForMe]

I would talk to his doctor about his fear of height. I'm NOT suggesting medicating him. Perhaps, talking to a trained individual could get to the root of the problem and help resolve it. I believe there is some type of visualization therapy that might be useful and some stress relieving, deep breathing exercises he could be taught. I would not dismiss his fears and force him onto a plane without trying to help him first. Just my two cents!

 

[hannahon]

There is hope!!!! We were having the same problem with our oldest when we announced we were going to WDW in September. He swore he would not go and that he would find himself a babysitter. Anyway, we just kept talking to him and asking him questions, but he could never really tell us what he was afraid of. Finally on night we were talking about it again, and I started telling him about how cool and safe airplanes are. I told him about the little tray he could use, that we would bring his MP3 player with headphones, and then started talking about the seatbelt signs. I'm not sure if knowing that there were seatbelts changed his mind, but after that point he was very excited to go. I wish you the best of luck!!!!

 

[jlewisinsyr]

Normally I would just tell a person to get over their irrational fear of whatever they are afraid of, but with a kid, its different.

I think a strong talk (not meaning in a negative way) needs to occur with the son, push him to tell you why, not just because or that he is, what is it that makes him scared. You can help by giving examples of stuff, like afraid of falling, or maybe even 9/11. Once you get to the root, you can start to address. Fear of something is not a root, it is an effect of (a) specific event(s).

 

[msmayor]

The first time we flew to Disney, when we arrived back home our son told us he really didn't want to fly again...he didn't like it. Wasn't specific about it, but just said he didn't want to do it again. That was before 9/11.

I never really worried about it since we almost never fly anywhere, preferring to drive and have a car. But this year we decided to try a cruise, and the best week in terms of affordability was during Jersey Week. Our son had seen all the commercials for RCCL's Flow Rider (the surfing simulator) and talked about wanting to do that one day. Well, that was the ship we were looking at, but it left out of Miami. Taking the time to drive to/from Miami during the school year was completely out of the question...the ONLY way we could go on that ship was if he was willing to get on a plane.

We talked about it, and I laid it right out for him. I said "You want to go? You HAVE to fly...no choice. If you say no to flying, we stay home." And in all honesty, we really WOULD have stayed home. I simply wasn't going to subject him to a flight he really wasn't willing to take.

But the desire to try the Flow Rider was stronger than the fear.

I made SURE that we flew Southwest, non-stop...the least amount of time in the air and little chance of a schedule change to a layover flight. We flew very early in the day to avoid sitting around 'worrying' about the flight. Get up, get to the airport and GO.

He brought his iPod that had videos of his favorite hockey games loaded up...something to keep his attention during flight and block out all the noise of the engines. He did want to sit by a window, but shut the shade for the first hour. As he got more comfortable, he opened it up...and actually did enjoy the view.

I found that engaging him in conversation that had absolutely nothing to do with the airplane or flying helped keep him calm. He did ask to hold my hand during takeoff and landing, and I was perfectly fine with that. We looked at the Sky Mall Catalog together, laughing at some of the items...again, all designed to keep his mind occupied with anything besides the idea he was in an airplane. Only if HE asked a question about what was happening, like "Was that the landing gear going down?", did we talk about flying. I let him take the lead.

I think it really helped that we let him do it on his terms. Did we cater to him in terms of where to sit, when to fly, etc.? Yes...but in the end it made for a great vacation for all of us. He faced his fear head on and did okay.

 

[Sillyminny40]

MSMayor, excellent comments. I think what you said is important.

I should mention my ds12 has such a fear of needles his dentist told him to get a new dentist.
I find the less I talk about it the better. BUT I told him I absolutely promise to be totally honest with him and NEVER lie to him. He just has to be reasonable. I agree that getting the right approach can work well.

You will find the right approach. Keep searching. Let us know how it goes.

 

[ilandrazdsw]

My children have been flying since they were 6 wks and 2 wks old, so I have fortunately never had this problem.
The "scariest" times (I think) would be taking off & landing and if there is any turbulance (sp). If you can find something to talk about during the take off and landing it can go by without him really even noticing. Unfortunately he will not be able to play a game system (or any electronic devise) during this time. the rest of the flight (unless announced) he can use electronic devices to take his mind off the flight itself and make time go by faster.
I don't know how "strict" the rules are for your airline but he may be able to meet the pilot and see the cockpit while planing or deplaning...could be interesting for him.

 

[goofy4tink]

I fly, my dd (15) flies...but we are not happy campers up in the friendly skies. When my dd was younger (started flying at 4) we played a game. We held hands as the plane took off. She closed her eyes, and she would try to discern when the plane left the ground. Same with landings...closed her eyes and told me when we had touched down. But, for take-offs, she kept her eyes closed until I told her to open them. The ascent terrified her. Now, I have to tell you...when that plane banks to either side upon take-off, I'm not so happy either. I'm much better than I used to be. I can almost fly now with few concerns. I figured that I had to 'look' nonplussed for my dd's sake.

So....my suggestion for a terrified kiddo...play the take-off and landing game. And have him keep those eyes shut until the plane levels off. Once you get to cruising altitude, the 'height' thing isn't so bad. In fact, I have no problem with it, and I have a huge issue with heights. You're so high that you don't feel that 'height' thing.

You will need to tell your ds that the plane will be making a turn, or two, upon takeoff. He will freak if he feels the plane listing to one side...I know I did!! But, it's perfectly normal. The other thing to keep in mind are the various sounds he will hear...again, normal. Perhaps an inside seat will be better for him vs the window seat.

Also, the thing I tell my kids now...watch the flight attendants. If they look fine, then all if fine with the plane. This is especially important if you hit any kind of turbulence. We had a rough flight between Ft. Lauderdale and Tampa a year ago. The plane didn't get much altitude, so it was really bumpy. My dd (eldest one at 32) was terrified. I told her to watch the FAs. If they were serving drinks it was a pretty good sign the plane wasn't going down!!!

Good luck with your son. His fears are not unrealistic...keep that in mind. Planes do 'fall out of the sky' occasionally..his fear is understandable. But, take it slowly with him. The 'fear of flying' site is a great one. Has a lot of good explanations for your ds. He may actually enjoy checking it out. It used to have lots of sounds and sights that are normal while flying..takes a lot of the mystery out of flying.

 

[snowbunny]

Have any other parents experienced this with their children?

Yes. My DS was so afraid. Then the night before the trip he asked his Magic 8 Ball if he would die on the plane tomorrow. "Signs Point to Yes"

I just kept telling him: 1) we are going; and 2) it will be fine. (And it was.) If you are at all nervous he will sense that. Just be firm on both counts. I disagree with Ms. Mayor on letting the child decide whether the trip will take place and IMO allowing him to reinforce his fear that this is a big scary decision that is in his hands. You be the parent.

 

[wdwpins]

Think of it this way:

I read somewhere that in 2005 more than 42,000 people in the US were killed in auto accidents. For the same year it was about 12 people who died from plane accidents. The disparity is shocking, and now I'm scared to death to get behind the wheel, especially for long distances.

I like to take in the whole flying experience--boarding, watching others, getting settled, experiencing the thrust of the engines (what a rush that is!), chatting with my travel partner, reading, especially a book about my destination, even chatting with one of the pilots. Flying is part of the whole trip!

 

[Tootles]

Wow! This is some fantastic advice! I am SO happy with all the replies I received, especially since people seem to differ on suggestions. (it gives me some different perspectives)

Fortunately, our trip is a year away still (end of Jan 2010) so I have plenty of time to work with my son. I do agree with the post that says "I am the parent" and by letting my 11 year old decide whether or not we fly (go) is just not an option. If you knew him, well, that's just asking for struggles later on I think. However, I don't want to force him on a plane against his will when he's terrified! I doubt he'd cry and fuss (WAY too cool for that ) but I think he'd feel like I didn't validate his fear or care for him. (and he may even get sick ) I debate with whether to A) wake him up early and tell the kids we're going somewhere (have the bags packed in the car) and just let him "deal" with it upon arriving at the airport. There is less time to stress about it ahead of time, but I worry about the shock/immediate fear he may deal with in a public place. OR B) talk to him over and over again for the next several months about flying and the fact that he WILL be going on a plane to WDW. There may be longer term stress-but there also won't be any "surprises". He will be as prepared as he possibly can be. Again, I love hearing from other parents who have dealt with this, as it does give me "hope"!

 

[goofy4tink]

Wow! This is some fantastic advice! I am SO happy with all the replies I received, especially since people seem to differ on suggestions. (it gives me some different perspectives)

Fortunately, our trip is a year away still (end of Jan 2010) so I have plenty of time to work with my son. I do agree with the post that says "I am the parent" and by letting my 11 year old decide whether or not we fly (go) is just not an option. If you knew him, well, that's just asking for struggles later on I think. However, I don't want to force him on a plane against his will when he's terrified! I doubt he'd cry and fuss (WAY too cool for that ) but I think he'd feel like I didn't validate his fear or care for him. (and he may even get sick ) I debate with whether to A) wake him up early and tell the kids we're going somewhere (have the bags packed in the car) and just let him "deal" with it upon arriving at the airport. There is less time to stress about it ahead of time, but I worry about the shock/immediate fear he may deal with in a public place. OR B) talk to him over and over again for the next several months about flying and the fact that he WILL be going on a plane to WDW. There may be longer term stress-but there also won't be any "surprises". He will be as prepared as he possibly can be. Again, I love hearing from other parents who have dealt with this, as it does give me "hope"!

I'm not sure I would go with the whole 'surprise' thing. That could be asking for problems. But....you aren't going for a whole year. You would be surprised at how kids' outlooks change in a year. He may surprise you in a few months and say..'Ah Mom, sure I was scared then, but that was when I was little. I'm more grownup now....that's baby stuff!' Not saying he will but it is possible.

I would just bring it up in casual conversation. You could even say that you were having a discussion with someone who's child didn't want to fly. That you knew he was nervous about flying so maybe he had some thoughts that might help out the other kid...from a kid's perspective. That would open up an avenue of discussion between you two, without him feeling threatened and forced.
There is always the argument that there are hundreds, if not thousands, of people flying around the world, that make their living doing just that..pilots, FAs and such. They wouldn't be doing it if they were afraid the plane was going to fall out of the sky at any moment. Not to mention the passengers who repeatedly fly...some several times a week for business.

You've got lots of time yet, and lots of good info and suggestions here. Take your time...your ds may just surprise you in the end.

 

[msmayor]

Yes. My DS was so afraid. Then the night before the trip he asked his Magic 8 Ball if he would die on the plane tomorrow. "Signs Point to Yes"

I just kept telling him: 1) we are going; and 2) it will be fine. (And it was.) If you are at all nervous he will sense that. Just be firm on both counts. I disagree with Ms. Mayor on letting the child decide whether the trip will take place and IMO allowing him to reinforce his fear that this is a big scary decision that is in his hands. You be the parent.

I respect your opinion, but for all my parenting years I have chosen to respect my kids fears. We ALL have them at some point in our lives.

I have witnessed first-hand through my husband how fear and anxiety can affect physical health. The very last thing I wanted was to 'force' my son to fly, potentially pushing him in to an anxiety-filled day that could potentially make him physically sick. I don't think the passengers on the plane would have appreciated seeing a pale, sweaty teen close to tossing his cookies...something that had a real possibility of happening.

I also didn't want him to spend the week of the cruise fretting about the plane ride home. That's no way to enjoy a vacation.

So to me, respecting his fear IS being the parent by showing him "I hear you, and I understand you, and I want to help you". I did that by making sure he knew that we, as a family, would respect that fear and not force him to fly to go on this trip...that we would find a cruise closer to home (there was one right out of NJ that same week; we could have driven two hours to get there). But I wanted him to know that IF he really wanted to go on that Flow Rider, it meant he had to fly. And that I would do whatever I could to make that flight easier for him.

 

[goofy4tink]

Let's keep in mind that there are many answers to the same question, and as many parenting styles as there are parents. The OP asked for opinions. One person's opinion is no more, or less, valid than another person's. What works for one family may quite conceivably not work for another family.

It is up to us to take what we see here and decide for ourselves what approach to take with our own family. There is no room for questioning of other's parenting or their particular choices.

 

[Liljam]

I came to this thread because I'm scared to death of flying. BUT I'm 32. We're thinking of taking a quick trip in May and flying but I just don't know if I can do it, because I am scared to put my (almost) 1yr old DS on an airplane. My 18yr old BB went to Miami via JETBLUE on Wednesday and I cried with fear as I watched his plane take off on flightaware.com. I had severe panic attacks the moment I enter the Air and Space Museum in DC one year and I HAVE tried to overcome my fear of flying and that's why I'm seriously considering braving the friendly skies in May. I love roller coaster and don't have other irrational fears, I've had this odd fear of planes my entire life. 9/11 didn't make it any worse.

For the OP's son or any child who has a fear like mine, I can understand how it feels. My parents drove everywhere and only started flying later in life when I was old enough to stay home with a friend or relative. I will say that I think my mom was petrified of flying but not like I have been. I used to duck when a plane would fly over head but that has since gotten less scary for me. At Dulles, a friend once took me on one of those things you ride to the concourse and I survived but with pretty heavy anxiety. If you can get your child in to a program or show him consistent safety and other flight programs until the time of flight I think that may help. It has taken me 32 years of fearing airplanes and trying to recognize my fear to even consider getting on a plane. I know the reasons I'm afraid, and I know how irrational they seem to someone else, but you have to be understanding of the person who's feeling the fear.

Maybe I can explain this way... (I've did some counseling in my younger years and put what I learned in school to use for my own fear.)

I have a fear of the height of the plane and the fear of being enclosed in something that is so far up with nothing but air above or below and I know I have little chance of life if we crash. I know that while car crashes occur more often and other forms of fatalities, plane crashes are historically made more tragic by media coverage and it has affected me emotionally in a scary way that I am afraid of death by plane. The thing that has helped me the most is walking through the small plane at the A&S Museum even though I panicked, I know how enclosed it was ans jets are larger, and watching and reading about planes taking off and landing and understanding how long it takes seems to help. I also realize as I get older that famous people fly all the time and they're still here. I'm scared, I'll always be scared, but I'm trying. I came to this thread to read how other people deal and it's actually helped give me a little more insight like trying to play the fly/land game with my DH (sounds crazy but if it works, I'll do it, lol!) Good luck at getting your son to fly, but try to encourage him now before he ends up like me!

 

[Tootles]

Thanks Liljam for the reply! It's nice to hear from the perspective of the one WITH the fear as well. Good luck to you too. Let us know how you make out!

 

[jlewisinsyr]

Liljam, it sounds like you have a fear of death, maybe that is the core?

Most people don't like the thought of death, but there is a difference between not liking it and being fearful of it.

I don't want to die, but I am not afraid to. I'm not going to intentionally put myself in harms way or do stupid things, but I don't live life afraid I will die tomorrow.

Granted I could be reading way to much into what you wrote, but its just a thought.