Tell us a joke......

[Graeme]

Why did Tigger put his head down the toilet?

He was looking for Pooh

Fantastic!!

I'm still trying to think of one I can post here!

 

[Andrew DEREK UK]

Moderators read fully, before you edit!!!!

(CustardTart might have seen this)


A family of four go on a Disney cruise.
Father, mother, and two kids.
Mum and daughter go for a bite to eat,
leaving farther and son aged eight.

Son asks dad a question?

Dad, what is it called when someone goes to bed, and sleeps on-top of someone else?

Father thinking its bonding time, decided to tell son about, mums and dads, and the facts of life.

Later the boy a little confused goes to his mum.

He comes back and says to his dad.


Mum says its called ''Bunk beds'' and she wants a word with you.

 

[Dimplenose]

A man goes into a pub buys a pork pie, puts it on his head and leaves.
This goes on for days. The curious barkeeper tries to confuse the man so the next day he says "I'm sorry but we don't have any pork pies today."
"Oh, well I'd better have a bag of crisps then." say the man.
He takes the crisps and puts them on his head. He's just about to leave when curiosity gets the better of the barman.
"Why have you put that bag of crisps on your head?" He asks.
"Well," the man replies, "you hadn't any pork pies."

Libby

 

[tony64]

The M1 and the M25 are in a bar having a few drinks. Their conversation get around to which one is the harder, The M1 going on about the fact he has been around alot longer then the M25 and had thousands more vehicles more him than the M25 has had, the M25 coming back with the fact that he is harder as more vehicles use him per hour than the M1 and he has four lanes on many sections.
Anyway this goes on backwards and forwards for about an hour when in comes a line red strip of tarmac and the M1 is straight in the toilets, locks the door and doesn't come out until the strip of red tarmac has left.

The M25 is wetting himself laughing and said to the M1 "I thought your were hard but you go and hide in the loos when a,weedy looking, bit of old red tarmac walks in".
The M1 is a bit pale but after a few stiff drinks manages to say "you don't want to mess with him, he's a cyclepath".

 

[carolfoy]

dad is sitting down for breakfast with his daughter when she asks 'Where does poo come from?'
Dad thinks and says 'Well, its appropriate since we're eating and all, you see, poo is made by all the food you eat, your body takes the good stuff out and then filters the not so good stuff and that is how poo is made'.
daughter thinks about it and then asks, baffled, 'Well what about Tigger then?'

 

[PoppyAnna]

My daughter tell this any time she gets the chance...

Why did the banana go to the doctors?

Because he wasn't peeling very well........

 

[hildasmuriel]

A painter and decorator always gave the lowest quotes in town. Nobody knew that it was because he watered the paint down to make it thinner and go further. One day he put in a tender for some painting work on the local church. His was the lowest estimate so he go the job.
As usual he watered down the paint and set to work painting the gutters of the church. Suddenly there was a big clap of thunder and a bolt of lightning knocked him off his ladder. As he lay trembling on the ground a big finger came out of the clouds and pointed at him. He cried out "I'm sorry, so sorry. What can I do to make things better?"
A booming voice said "Repaint! Repaint and thin no more."

 

[jjpenguin]

Some great ones on here! Did me a world of good on a Monday Morning.

Will have a think if I still know any...

 

[natalielongstaff]

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”

“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”

“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’

“Twenty-six!” he said.

 

[Minniespal]

How many Psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

None ~ the lightbulb has to want to change.

 

[carolfoy]

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked The seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, t he seamstress replied, "No."
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble ?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.
Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?" "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seam stress. The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to George Clooney.
And so the Lord let her keep him.
The moral of this story is:

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it.
Signed,
All Us Women

 

[Chilly]

Some really great jokes, thanks for keeping me going on a Monday!

 

[hildasmuriel]

A piece of string went in a bar and asked for a drink. The barman turned him away, saying "we don't serve pieces of string in here"
The following night the piece of string went back again.
"Aren't you a piece of string?" asked the suspicious barman
"No, I'm afraid not" said the string.

 

[wishspirit]

Just got this one off a penquin wrapper, so its not my fault it bad:

'Why are do seagulls only fly across the sea?'

'Cause if they fly across bays they'd be bagels!'

 

[natalielongstaff]

this is an old one...but still funny

Top Ten Ways Y2K Will Affect Disney World

10. Accidental switch back to 19,000 Leagues Under the Sea.

9. Screwed up computers report EuroDisney turning a profit.

8. Air traffic control glitch causes Dumbo to smack into a DC-10.

7. The "It's a Small World After All" creatures go on a rampage.

6. The Hall of Presidents keeps chanting "Kill Clinton, kill Clinton."

5. When you wish upon a star, nothing happens.

4. Unexpected power surge brings an angry Walt Disney back to life.

3. "Main Street Electrical Parade" becomes "Main Street Two Guys With Plastic Flashlights Parade."

2. Ticket machine accidentally dispenses day passes for less than $600.

1. Two words: catapulting teacups.