Tell me about adopting a child

[Octoberbride03]

Good morning

Dh and I are talking about adopting a child. We're married nearly 6yrs and have no babies of our own. I'm not sure I'm ready to this but as Dh is 13yrs older than me, I don't want to suddenly be ready 2-3yrs from now and find that he's maxed out agewise. For the record he'll be 50 on July 7th. I'm 36.

I'm looking for anything you want to tell me. We would likely be going the domestic route. I'm not sure we have enough money for the international route.

So anything at all you can tell would be great, cause I'm at square 1 seriously. So info, adoption agencies, any stories, whatever you want to share is more than welcome.

TIA

 

[quentina]

We adopted 2 through the state (children and youth). Our children were in the foster care system awaiting their forever homes.

It was a quick, painless process (and I will add cheap). We looked in the phone book for foster agencies, went to their informal night, filled out paperwork, had home study, background checks etc.

We started in May, approved in July and got our daughter in October. Our son (we think of him as our oops baby) arrived in February. He is our daughters bio sibling. They called and said...hey she has a brother, will you take him also? He came for a weekend visit and never left.

Total cost was $70.00.

Swan (statewide adoption network) picked up the entire bill. They pay for everything so that people will adopt from foster care.

It was a great experience and I would recomend to anyone.

If you are looking for a newborn, blue eyes etc...this is not the way to go.

We were 100% flexible. Any race, any sex as long as they were under 5 (we had a 9 year old biological son and were advised to not break the chain of command in the house). If it were not for my oldest son, I would of loved to have a sibling group with an older child. God love these kids, once they reach 13 their chances of a forever home are so slim.

Our daughter was 4 and she is bi-racial (we are white). Our son was 2 when we got him (also bi-racial).

We loved the experience. It is neat to experience a differant culture (we try to celebrate things for their culture, black history month etc).

The kids do suffer from some flashbacks and behavior issues due to the abuse they suffered. My daughter just started couseling last week. This is in addition to the extra educational/behavior stuff she gets in our home.

They have adapted, have bonded with little issues, expect vacations and new clothes (did not take long at all) and in the beginning it was amazing what they enjoyed which we took for granted. One thing that stands out is a car (used to walking or public trans) washer and dryer and central air (my daughter could not believe that the house could be cool when it was hot outside.

All in all, it was an amazing experience for us and we hope for them.

 

[Octoberbride03]

Thanks for the info. We really have no idea about how we'll go about searching or deciding exactly how we want to do this. I just ordered a book from Amazon. Everything you need to know about adopting. Hopefully this will get us started.

If anybody else would like to share I'd love to hear it.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

We are in the process of adopting internationally.

We were not a family that would have considered fostering for the simple reason that the bonding that takes place with a child & then the possibility of a parent coming back & us having to pass the child back was nothing we wanted to handle.

As far as age goes there are many situations that your DH has already "aged" out of I'm sorry to say. Our 1st baby will come from one country & our second another because of our age.

Feel free to PM me...best of luck!

 

[Dan Murphy]

We are adoptive parents, though many years ago, both Vince, 32 years ago, and Natalie, 29 years ago. I know procedures and all have changed over the years, but our experience has been absolutely wonderful. We adopted through Catholic Charities, a wonderful organization to deal with.

Best wishes, Maureen, to you and Richard both, as you embark on a wonderful journey.

 

[happybratpack]

The most important advice I can offer is to use a reputable agency you can trust. Research like crazy, talk to clients and not just those on their reference list.

Good luck!

 

[ZachnElli]

We adopted domestically 4 years ago through Casi (an agency). I believe their website is www.adoptcasi.org. We were open to race, gender and even health issues. We wanted infant to toddler age. We did lose our first possible child, the birthmom changed her mind after giving birth, totally within her rights btw. And we had never seen her or the baby. We had been picked by her for about 6 weeks, he was Hispanic. 12 days after losing that one, we got a call about a 2 day old Caucasian boy whose mom had done some cocaine during pregnancy. We got him at 6 days old and 5 1/2 months after going to our first informational meeting (just researching!) about adoption. Our son has no side effects from the drug use. Our doctors have assured us, that the birthmom saying she did it only socially was probably true. He was 10lbs 2oz at birth and usually babies born to drug addicted moms are premature and very small. There are no studies or reports out for birthmoms who did illegal drugs occassionally, only addicted. But he is fine and beautiful and wonderful! And a heck of alot quicker than all those years of trying and tests! Casi does all kinds of adoptions, foster, infant, international, and special needs. That is why we went to the first informational meeting they were holding in our area. They told us about all the different ways to adopt. We went in thinking we would do international, but when we found out that there were babies in the U.S. being passed over because of race or health issues, we decided that's what we wanted to do. I also didn't want to do the international travel required for most international adoptions. Everyone feels pulled differently in how they want to adopt. There is no wrong way and don't let anyone make you feel bad for whatever way you choose! If you ever want to talk about it, PM me!

ETA: I just went to Casi's website and it appears they only have one office now in Boise, ID. They had several in other states, but it is the one in Boise we used. You can use an agency in other states. Casi was our main agency and they worked with other agencies in other states when they had children available and no local families to place them with, which is how we got our Noah.

 

[ms.yt]

We are in the process of adopting internationally.

We were not a family that would have considered fostering for the simple reason that the bonding that takes place with a child & then the possibility of a parent coming back & us having to pass the child back was nothing we wanted to handle.

I don't want you to get the impression that adopting through the state means you have to deal with the possibility that a parent "comes back" and you lose the child. At least in our state, you choose whether to be a "foster to adopt" or "adopt only" family. With foster to adopt, you do get kids in foster care who the state is still trying to get back to their families if at all possible. You have to wait through that process before you can start adopting that child if they remain with you. With adopt only, you only get placed with children who are in foster care but who's parents have had their parental rights terminated. Once this happens, there is no going back on it and they can't be returned to their parents. Legally it's like the parents never gave birth to them once TPR (termination of parental rights) takes place.

 

[Octoberbride03]

We are in the process of adopting internationally.

We were not a family that would have considered fostering for the simple reason that the bonding that takes place with a child & then the possibility of a parent coming back & us having to pass the child back was nothing we wanted to handle.

As far as age goes there are many situations that your DH has already "aged" out of I'm sorry to say. Our 1st baby will come from one country & our second another because of our age.

Feel free to PM me...best of luck!

Well, we'll just have to see what our possibilities are. A couple of years ago we couldn't have done it even if we'd wanted to for a bunch of reasons. And now even though we don't have as much money saved as i would like we are in a much better place and can at least start exploring it.

 

[Octoberbride03]

We are adoptive parents, though many years ago, both Vince, 32 years ago, and Natalie, 29 years ago. I know procedures and all have changed over the years, but our experience has been absolutely wonderful. We adopted through Catholic Charities, a wonderful organization to deal with.

Best wishes, Maureen, to you and Richard both, as you embark on a wonderful journey.

Yeah, I'd love to go through them, but I'm almost positive that Rich has aged out of their program. I know a couple a couple who adopted a couple of yrs ago internationally and they tried Catholic Charities first and were already aged out.

I took the plunge this afternoon and found the website for the agency they used and signed up for an info meeting in July. Adoptions From the Heart was their agency. We'll see how that goes. Still would love to hear about any other agencies though.

 

[Beca]

Not my personal experiences, but I have good friends who have done this twice....and, they are older (each near 50).

They were somewhat "picky" (if that is an appropriate term). They wanted no physical problems, caucasian, and babies. They went thru a private Catholic agency. The first time they adopted, they were just over 40 yrs each, and they got chosen by a mom super quick. When they returned to the agency a few years later, their age seemed to be more of an issue. They waited over 2 yrs to be chosen. Actually, they were chosen twice in those two years. One mom changed her mind, and another baby was born with so many health issues that they just felt they could not handle what was ahead with that baby. It was really tough, but they decided not to take him.

One day, a mom who had given birth walked in to release her son to the agency. She did not want to know anything about the adoptive parents, and did not want to chose them. She asked the agency to make the arrangements for her. Since my friends had been on the waiting list the longest at the time, the agency picked them.

The birth mom for their little girl has certain requirements that they have agreed to fulfill once a year, but it is not a big deal. Obviously for their son (second baby), there are no such requirements.

For them, the experience was frustrating, heartbreaking, and absoulutely priceless!!!

I wish you and your dh lots of luck, prayers, and good wishes!!!

 

[Mrs.Toad]

We adopted our second dd domestically through a private agency about 6 years ago. Cost was about $12,000, and we got most of that back through the federal adoption tax credit. We used a local agency (in Colorado), which we absolutely loved. One of our most important criteria in choosing an agency was that it be one that treated the expectant moms well, and gave them lots of counseling. As badly as we wanted another child, we only wanted one whose birthparents really wanted us to have her.

We also wanted an open adoption, because we feel that it's beneficial for the child to grow up knowing and having access to his birthparents, so when he has questions, he can ask them. Although our agency advocates for open adoptions, our dd's birthmom didn't want contact with us. So we know each other's names, but have never met, talked, or even sent her pictures.

We first decided on our agency in the summer of 2001, completed our homestudy and profile book by the end of October or so, then waited just about exactly a year for the "you've been picked" phone call. She was about 7 months pg at that point, so two more months, and we picked up our dd at the hospital at 36 hours old.

In our state, birthparents must relinquish their rights in a court of law, and they will not set a court date until the baby is born, so there is typically a 4-6 week time period where legally, either birthparent could take her back. Ours ended up stretching to 12 weeks, and that was always in the back of my mind, that worry that one of them would do so, but IMO, it's a risk we had to take, and we knew it was very unlikely to happen, so we didn't mind. In some states, birthparents can sign papers just 72 hours after the birth, so some prospective adoptive parents seek to adopt in those states if they are unwilling to take a baby home whose birthparents rights have not yet been terminated.

Good luck! Feel free to ask lots of questions. I love to talk about adoption!

ETA: Oh, and about age, I don't think our agency had any upper age limits. They let the expectant moms make the choice with whom to place their babies, so it all depends on who is looking at your profile.

 

[Diva of Dragons]

We are currently going through the process of being licensed, through our county, to adopt from the Foster system. So far it has gone really smoothly.
We are in a mad dash to finish getting work done on our house so we can have the home inspection soon!

I don't have much advice, at this point. I do know, from my previous research, that private domestic adoption and International generally run about the same cost. But, there is a wide range for each.

Keep us posted on what you decide!

 

[Octoberbride03]

Bumping this up to let y'all know that I have not forgotten about the thread or adopting. We have an info session tonight at Adoptions from the Heart. I also finished the book I ordered. Or at least finished reading it as far i felt i needed to go b4 the meeting. The book is quite helpful though maybe a bit TMI on certain topics.

Will post again sometime this weekend on how the meeting went and what our next move might be. Thanks again for everybody's help.

 

[VAN]

At age 40 my youngest brother decided he wanted to be a Dad but would probably never marry. He was able to adopt internationally (I went with him on visits and to bring the babies home). He now has 3 wonderful little boys. the total cost for each was in the $30k range; however, he got $10k each back as a federal tax credit.

My brother had to jump through hoops and had a few set-backs along the way, but the adoption agency was wonderful as was the foster mother in the country of adoption. He got referred to each upon birth ... we were able to bring them home when they were 8 months to a year in age.

Adoption is not without tears, but when successful, it will be the most wonderful thing you have ever done. What a wonderful gift you give the child by providing a wonderful, loving home. You will find that any money you spend to make it happen will be returned many times over in the love the child will bring to your life!

Best wishes on your journey!

 

[Bren's Mom]

I hope you get all of the answers you need tonight.

 

[shortbun]

We got lucky and the adoption that made us a family was a smooth, private adoption-nirvana. No agencies, no waiting list. We knew someone who knew someone and our attorney was ready for anything. I only think about the fact that my son was adopted when I see these threads or hear someone talking about someone else. Adoption is a miracle and it should happen more often. Good luck. Everyone's journey is different.

 

[ozarkmom]

I know 4 families that have adopted. The first one told her gyn they were wanting to adopt and he called her a couple of days later about a patient that was wanting to give her baby up. The other three I don't know as much about other than somehow they were connected with girls that were looking for parents for their unborn children. Good luck.

 

[NEVERENOUGHWDW]

Love to see this thread...we should have our baby at the end of the year.

Prayers for everyone

 

[TandT]

BUMP