pkondz
Oh dear, I've got the silly thing in reverse
- Joined
- Mar 9, 2007
- Messages
- 33,624
Teenage Mutant Backseat Dancers - A Canadian Buffoon Adventure
Hello! And welcome to another Canadian Buffoon Vacation!
For those of you who haven't read any of my previous reports... why haven't you?
Just kidding.
If ya wanna, but you don't hafta, here are the links:
Just a silly little TR - Run away!
Canadian Buffoon European Vacation
You don't have to know me or have read my previous reports to read this one,
but there'll probably be some references here and there that might make you question your sanity.
Unless you already are questioning your sanity.
In which case, reading this might help.... but probably won't.
Actually, it'll almost certainly make it worse.
I've gotten the idea that if I don't post pictures right away, I'm going to lose readers.
So... here.
Do I have your attention now?
Whoopsie! Mustn't forget the ladies...
Umm..... This should do.
Plus it lets me introduce myself.
How's that?
If that doesn't get my readership up. What will???
Okay. Okay.
First. Settle down.
Second. No that's not me.
I'm much better looking.
Stop laughing!
Fine. I'll admit it.
I'm a middle aged (my God, how did that happen???) dude.
I do, however, look somewhat like the gentleman pictured above.
Except I have more hair on my upper lip and less on my head.
And my abs are.... rounder.
Ok, so I don't look anything like him.
Sue me.
There go my female readers....
With me on this little outing are my daughter Elle and her friend/teammate Dee.
Elle's the one on the right with her arm around Dee.
We'll see if those smiles are still there by the end of the trip
or if that arm will be tightly encircling Dee's neck.
Or vice versa.
You'll see me later on, okay?
I have to admit, that even before this trip started, I had two fears.
I mean in addition to the usual ones...
Will the car break down?
Will it rain all the time?
Will I get diarrhea?
Will one of us get sick?
Will a hotel lose our reservation?
Will my credit cards and/or cash get stolen?
You know, the usual stuff.
I don't want it to sound like I'm a raging paranoid.
Raging lunatic, sure. But paranoid? Nah.
These were just some of the thoughts that would pop in and out of my consciousness.
Along with things like:
Why is it, when people come to your house do they ask if you have a bathroom?
I'm too polite... but one day, I'll just say, "No. We use our neighbour's."
Or:
If I'm waiting for a waiter in a restaurant, does that make me a waiter waiter?
.... Where was I?
Oh! Right... Two fears.
Or at least two, main fears.
One was... The girls are friends, but...
Eleven days straight, twenty four hours a day...
Are they going to still be friends at the end of the trip?
Or even halfway through it?
I remember going to Florida with my best friend when I was younger.
When we got back, we didn't talk to each other for three months!
The other fear I have is, naturally, will I be able to survive eleven days of female teenagerism?
I guessed... probably not.
We'll see.
Hmmm? Oh! You wanna know about the trip?
Okay.
All the details are here, in the PTR/mini TR: [thread=3270684]Canadian Buffoon's Vacation[/thread]
But to save you the trouble, I'll post the agenda here, too.
The three of us are going to drive from Winnipeg, MB, Canada to Niagara Falls for a dance competition.
And back.
About 3000 miles, round trip.
Well, the girls will be competing in the dance competition.
Me, not so much.
How did this happen?
The girls competed (and won!) in several team dance categories at a regional competition
and were invited to compete Nationally (kind of Internationally)
at Dance World Cup in Niagara Falls.
I say "kind of Internationally" since there was a team from the middle east (Cyprus) there as well.
For the life of me, I don't know why they call it "World Cup" when it's anything but worldwide.
But I digress...
Along the way, we plan on stopping at the Mall of America, touring Chicago,
spending a day at Cedar Point and of course, touring Niagara Falls.
Also, we're planning on a couple of DISmeets along the way!
I say they're still DISmeets even if they don't happen in Disney!
When two or more DISers get together, it's a DISmeet.
When you discover that the person who just ran the red light and crashed into you is on the DIS...
it counts.
One more thing.
If you haven't figured it out yet....
I'm long winded.
Or, more specifically, long typed.
I don't think I say too much in person... or maybe I do?
Depends, I guess, on my comfort level. Like most people.
Anyway, my chapters tend to be heavy on the typing,
but I'll try to throw you a bone (i.e. pictures) from time to time.
Ready to get started?
Then let's go!
---------------------------------
Dee's mom was going to drop Dee off around eight thirty in the morning on June 30th.
I wanted to be on the road by nine a.m.
I wasn't too sure how much of a morning person Dee was, but I'd have the next ten days to find out.
I figured the first day would be pretty easy.
Everyone's excited.
Sleep? Who needs sleep? Let's go!!
First though, I have to pack all the suitcases in the car.
I had my suitcase.
Elle had a suitcase, a small duffel type bag, plus some shoes and jackets.
Dee had two suitcases and a makeup kit... basically a sparkly version of a fishing/tackle box.
And then there were the pancake tutus.
For those who don't know what that is
(and, until recently, I didn't),
this is what one looks like:
While they're fairly flat, they're HUGE!
And you can't fold them.
Dee had one and we had to fit it in the car.
Hers is about four to four and a half feet across.
Should be okay. I'll put everything in first... then lay it on top of everything.
Well... Another teammate's mom heard we were driving and asked if we could bring her daughter's too.
(Tough to bring those suckers on the plane.)
Sure. Like I said, they're pretty flat, so one, two... who cares.
Then another mom found out and wanted me to bring her daughter's too.
She had a bag and all three tutus could fit inside.
Well... I guess so.
A few days before we were leaving,
I got an email from the last mom who wanted to know when would be a good time
to bring her daughter's and her daughter's friend's tutus over.
umm.... I guess we're up to four now.
Maybe I should not bring my suitcase....
In actuality, though, even with four people's tutus in the bag, it fit easily in the trunk and wasn't a problem.
I loaded all the bags and we were on the road by nine.
So an auspicious start, right?
Three miles outside of Winnipeg and it starts to rain.
Great.
Three miles later on we hit our first fifteen mile zone of destruction.
Construction.
Awesome.
So is this what this trip is going to be like?
Crawling through construction areas in the pouring rain?
Yippee!
Not long after, in the dark, cold rain;
accompanied by the rhythmic "fladdup, fladdup, fladdup" of the wipers,
a forlorn cry of "Are we there yet?" wafted up from the rear of the car.
Swiftly followed by the traditional responses, "Don't make me come back there!" and;
"I'll turn this car around!"
Usually paired with wild, ineffectual, easily dodged flailing of the right arm,
stretched as far as possible into the back seat area.
About an hour later, we get to the Canada/US border.
Probably because it's a Monday, there's little to no line.
Our first good news of the trip!
Along with our passports, I was carrying notarized letters from Elle's mom and from Dee's parents,
granting me permission to bring the girls into the US.
I was pretty sure, given their age, that the letters wouldn't be needed, but...
Twelve years ago (do the math... not long after 9/11) I took Elle (then 5) on a road trip to Toronto.
We were on the drive back home and crossing the border at Detroit.
It was a trifle disconcerting to see soldiers armed with machine guns at every queue.
I was directed to go inside the customs and immigration building.
When I entered, a woman in uniform approached us and asked me if she could ask Elle some questions.
I nodded.
I felt like my options were fairly limited at that point.
Nod.
Or be shot.
I chose nodding.
The agent approached Elle.
I worried.
Elle was extremely shy back then. She didn't warm to strangers.
Ever.
It was a rare day when she wouldn't refuse to speak and/or hide her face in abject misery.
The agent approached Elle and said, "What's your name sweetheart?"
"Elle."
Oh, thank heaven, she's actually replying.
The agent points at me, "And who's that?"
Oh, no. Oh, no. Please don't freeze up now. Pleasepleasepleaseplease....
"Daddy."
YES!! <fist pump>
"Sir? I don't know why you're in here. You've got both your passports and a letter from the other parent.
Frankly that's far more than most people bring.
Have a nice day."
Ding! We have a winnah!
hmmmm.... As I type this, I'm wondering.
This may be the first person of colour who ever spoke to her directly.
Maybe that's why, for once, she didn't shy away.
A child's innocence may have saved the day.
Back in the present, in the presence of another keeper of the border,
I do my best to not look like a human trafficker.
What does a human trafficker look like, anyway?
I don't know. But I tried not to look like one.
I smiled a lot.
Gave him my best "sincere yet honest" look, too.
I probably looked constipated.
"Where do you all live?"
"Winnipeg."
"Who's with you in the car?"
"My daughter and my daughter's friend."
"Where are you going?"
"Niagara Falls for a dance competition."
Darn it! I inwardly wince as I think, "That's just what a human trafficker would say!"
"Leaving anything behind in the States?"
I am sorely tempted to reply, "Probably my sanity"
or jerk my thumb towards the back and say, "If they don't stop the "Are we there yet" business... them!"
But I restrain myself and simply say, "No."
"Are you constipated?"
"No."
He hands back our passports and bids us adieu.
Ha! Toldja! Didn't even need the letters.
Of course I have three more border crossings in our future.
We enter the States and within a few minutes, the rain stops.
It's always sunny in America, right?
The girls are quiet. They're watching 50 First Dates.
We're bringing about twenty DVDs with us... or as I call them, SS's.
Sanity Savers.
When they're watching movies, they're quiet.
About an hour later they finish the movie and move on to Nights in Rodanthe.
Dee loves this movie.
Elle falls asleep.
We pull into Fargo, ND around noon.
"You girls want some lunch?"
Elle is very excited.
"Dad! There's a Subway with a drive through!"
"Okay." I calmly reply. "So you want Subway? Did you want to go inside to eat or get it to go?"
"Dad!!! You don't understand! There's a drive through! For a Subway!"
In case you haven't figured it out yet.
We don't have drive throughs for Subway up here.
At least not in Winnipeg... or any other Canadian city that I know of.
I'm not saying Canada doesn't have any... I just don't know of any.
And yes... We have drive throughs for all the crappy burger chains.
So instead of walking inside and ordering our sandwiches and getting them quickly...
We line up behind three other cars and wait our turn.
Eventually we get to the front of the line.
"Hello. Welcome to Subzzrk. grzt blplle skrat zaaaack."
I assume, since there's no more garbled speech that I should proceed with my order.
"Ummm... I'd like a six inch turkey sub on Italian..."
I politely wait for the person on the other end to acknowledge what I've said so far and ask what else I want on the sub.
Dead silence.
I wait patiently.
More dead silence.
Because it will help... I wait more.
Dead silence.
Eventually, I decide to see if everyone in the store has fallen victim to noxious fumes.
"Are you still there?"
The speaker makes a noise. "zzzkrtt vgrkkk alspttt."
Dee, who's hearing is apparently comparable to a bat, pipes up.
"She said to just keep going."
I stare at her in astonishment.
"I have really good hearing." She says.
Oh.
I place the rest of our order and don't even bother to figure out what comes out of the speaker.
I mean it's always the same, right?
"Thank you. That'll be ____ dollars at the window. Please drive ahead."
I drive ahead.
And pray what came out of the speaker wasn't:
"We're being robbed. Drive away as fast as you can and please call the police."
We get our subs.
No note inside begging for help, so I guess everything's okay.
We still have a three hour drive ahead of us so after gassing up
and getting fuel for the car
(heh)
we head back out onto the highway.
Our family has three cars.
I have one and my DW, Ruby, has a brand new one.
Elle has the third.
We were going to trade in our 2004 Honda Civic, but decided that it's a good car and Elle could buy it from us instead.
We spent a couple of grand getting it in tip top condition and eventually,
Elle will buy it with low, low easy payments and zero cash down!
Ruby's car is a two door.
Mine is a four door... and roomy... but it's a hatchback with not much luggage room.
So we took Elle's car. Which is still my car.
Well, technically it's Ruby's car since her name's on the title.
Whatever, either way, Elle was very excited since it's the only car she can drive
(the others are manual transmission), and she wanted to do some of the driving.
Dee has her learner's licence, but doesn't like driving.
So the driving will be done by myself and Elle.
An hour away from Minneapolis and our hotel, Elle says she wants to drive.
Great! I'm tired and looking forward to a break.
I pull over and we switch seats.
The girls commandeer the front seats while I stretch out in back.
The speed limit here is 70MPH and the fastest Elle has driven is about 65.
Plus there's a fair amount of traffic and three lanes of it.
She pulls onto the highway and I ask her if she's okay.
"Yup!"
A minute later I ask, "Lots of traffic, you sure you're okay?"
"Yup!"
Another minute goes by, "I can take over if you want. You sure you're okay?"
"Yes, Dad."
I decide that I can either keep pestering her every minute until I distract and/or frustrate her
to the point that we veer off the road and over an embankment...
Or I can just keep quiet and worry about it if and when it happens.
I wisely choose the latter.
About an hour later we arrive, accident free, at our hotel.
We've made pretty good time.
I forget to take a picture of the hotel.
Never fear. I take one later in the trip.
We stay at Country Inn & Suites hotels for the whole trip.
They all look the same, so when you see the one picture, you've seen 'em all.
I also neglect to take a photo of our room.
I think this is the only time I forget this, but we'll be staying here on our return leg,
and I did take one then.
So.... just wait. You'll see it eventually.
I figure the gals are hungry again, so...
"You guys wanna go to Smashburger? Or Rainforest Cafe at Mall of America?"
"Rainforest Cafe! Rainforest Cafe!"
Rainforest Cafe it is then.
The Mall is about a half hour drive away.
It's still early so we're sat right away.
Good thing, too. Don't they look like they're starving to death?
I thought so, too.
I'm a bad taker care-er of.
The girls order their meals as do I.
I also order some Chile Con Queso.
Creamy melted cheese with tomatoes, onions and green
chile peppers served with tri-color tortilla chips.
Dee's never had this before.
And even though I've had it in our house a few times, neither has Elle.
I have a feeling, based on the way they jumped on it like a pack of hyenas on a lame wildebeest,
that they'll be eating it more often now.
After a bit, our food arrives.
Food porn!!
Enjoy it while it lasts... I'll be very inconsistent with this during the trip.
Elle's fish and chips which she says is fine
Dee's coconut shrimp
Dee says it's good and offers me a taste of her shrimp.
I politely decline.
pkondz does not eat coconut.
Ever.
My paella which, while horrible looking in this photo, was...
just so, so.
Afterwards, we are all stuffed and decline dessert.
This becomes an unfortunate trend on our trip.
The lack of desserts, that is. Not the stuffidness.
It is too a word.
My TR. My rules.
The girls want to do some shopping.
We have an early morning ahead of us so I tell them to meet me at the Lego store by eight o'clock.
They run off and I'm left to my own devices.
Free! I'm free! I can do whatever I want!
The world (or mall in this case) is my oyster!
I'm bored already.
I mean c'mon! It may be the largest mall in the USA, but it's still just a mall.
I decide to walk the entire mall,
or at least the first three floors since I'm not sure if the fourth goes all the way around.
I'm hardly on my way when a young man, manning a kiosk walks up to me.
He says, "This is for you." and hands me what looks like an MP3 player.
Uhh... okay?
I, stupidly, say, "What's this?"
So, he shows me.
It's the controller for a tens machine.
If you don't know what that is... Google it!
Oh, fine.
"Tens" stands for Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation.
Basically you put two or more patches on your skin and run a current between them.
It's supposed to help ease pain.
All I know is that he slapped one patch on one shoulder blade and another on the other.
I felt a tingling sensation and my shoulders involuntarily rose up somewhere above my ears.
The current cut off and my shoulders dropped suddenly back to a more natural location.
"This device." He began, "Can change your life!"
<rise><rise><rise><rise><rise>
"Oh?" I wittily replied. "How?" (stupid, stupid, stupid! Just run!)
<fall>
"Do you ever have cramps?"
<rise><rise><rise><rise><rise>
"Uh, I guess... not really."
<fall>
"How about muscle pain? Ever get that?"
<rise><rise><rise><rise><rise>
Oh, if only he knew... Don't tell him!
"Uh, sure. I guess so."
<fall>
"Then this device is for you!"
<rise><rise><rise><rise><rise>
"Oh, yeah?"
Please, just keep your mouth closed. Please?
<fall>
"It can prevent those pains and ease the ones you've got!"
<rise><rise><rise><rise><rise>
"Uh, how much is it?"
I didn't know if it could really help, but it sure would be a hoot at parties.
<fall>
"Only $150!"
<rise><rise><rise><rise><rise>
"No thanks, that's a little out of my league."
<fall>
He then removed the patches.
I'm not sure if he did that because he was done demonstrating
or if he wasn't sure when I was shrugging my shoulders due to lack of caring.
"Would $100 be in your league?"
Released from bondage, I started to edge away from my executioner.
"Not really."
"Would $50 be in your league?"
Okay... now this is starting to sound a bit more like a deal.
Winnipeggers never pass up a deal.
It's in our blood.
Which we got on sale from the blood bank.
"How about $25?"
"For $25 bucks." He replied. "You can have this scalp massager!"
He brandished what looked like an eggbeater on steroids at me.
I shook my un-massaged head and finally managed to extricate myself from my predicament.
I spent the next couple of hours just wandering the mall.
I found an anime cart where I bought some stuff that I didn't understand for my younger daughter, Kay.
I wandered into a couple of stores that looked interesting, but didn't buy anything.
A little before eight, I'm back at the Lego store, waiting for the girls to show up.
At ten after eight, I'm still waiting.... and starting to worry a bit.
None of us have cell phones that work in the States.
Well, Dee's phone works, but it's pricey, so we'll only use it in an emergency.
Before I can start to imaging the myriad types of emergency that the girls could be having,
they show up.
We head back to the hotel and we all decide to hit the pool for a bit.
Dunno, do they look like they're still friends?
I dove into the hot tub.
Oh, relax. I carefully lowered myself into the hot tub.
Happy?
No, of course not.
I know my readers.
You were all hoping I really did dive in, weren't you?
And even better, dove in and hurt myself, right??
There was a young man already in there and he said hello.
We struck up a conversation and he told me he played football at Wheeling High School.
We chatted for a bit, then something caught my eye.
Both the pool and the hot tub were equipped with lifts for raising and lowering a disabled person into/out of the water.
I thought that was terrific.
I'd never seen them in a hotel before and was pleased that the hotel would make the effort.
But, a small boy started climbing on one of them.
I was just about to say something when he was told to get off.
It really bugged me.
If he broke that chair, he'd just shrug and go about his day.
Maybe his folks would have to pay for it, maybe not.
But it's for darned sure that anyone needing that lift, wouldn't be able to!
Sorry, it just really bugged me.
I headed up to the room and reminded the evil twins that we had an early morning ahead of us.
They showed up not much later and wanted to know why I'd talked to "that boy!"
"Why?"
"Because then he came over and talked to us!"
Oh, horrors. A good looking, athletic, similarly aged young man spoke to you!
Perish the thought!
I was beat.
It'd been a long day.
And the night wasn't going to be much better.
The girls got the nice comfy, cozy king size bed in the separate bedroom.
I got the unforgiving, metal bars poking up, fold out couch with the oh-so-thin mattress.
Really, really comfortable....
Okay, I'm exaggerating with that picture.
It wasn't nearly that comfortable.
Good news, though.
World Cup, Germany 2, Algeria 1.
The girls were loud... which I assumed they would be, so I just lay there and prayed for silence.
Eventually, around eleven thirty, either they quieted down... or I just passed out.
Coming up...
We travel to Chicago and a big DISmeet!
Hello! And welcome to another Canadian Buffoon Vacation!
For those of you who haven't read any of my previous reports... why haven't you?
Just kidding.
If ya wanna, but you don't hafta, here are the links:
Just a silly little TR - Run away!
Canadian Buffoon European Vacation
You don't have to know me or have read my previous reports to read this one,
but there'll probably be some references here and there that might make you question your sanity.
Unless you already are questioning your sanity.
In which case, reading this might help.... but probably won't.
Actually, it'll almost certainly make it worse.
I've gotten the idea that if I don't post pictures right away, I'm going to lose readers.
So... here.
Do I have your attention now?
Whoopsie! Mustn't forget the ladies...
Umm..... This should do.
Plus it lets me introduce myself.
How's that?
If that doesn't get my readership up. What will???
Okay. Okay.
First. Settle down.
Second. No that's not me.
I'm much better looking.
Stop laughing!
Fine. I'll admit it.
I'm a middle aged (my God, how did that happen???) dude.
I do, however, look somewhat like the gentleman pictured above.
Except I have more hair on my upper lip and less on my head.
And my abs are.... rounder.
Ok, so I don't look anything like him.
Sue me.
There go my female readers....
With me on this little outing are my daughter Elle and her friend/teammate Dee.
Elle's the one on the right with her arm around Dee.
We'll see if those smiles are still there by the end of the trip
or if that arm will be tightly encircling Dee's neck.
Or vice versa.
You'll see me later on, okay?
I have to admit, that even before this trip started, I had two fears.
I mean in addition to the usual ones...
Will the car break down?
Will it rain all the time?
Will I get diarrhea?
Will one of us get sick?
Will a hotel lose our reservation?
Will my credit cards and/or cash get stolen?
You know, the usual stuff.
I don't want it to sound like I'm a raging paranoid.
Raging lunatic, sure. But paranoid? Nah.
These were just some of the thoughts that would pop in and out of my consciousness.
Along with things like:
Why is it, when people come to your house do they ask if you have a bathroom?
I'm too polite... but one day, I'll just say, "No. We use our neighbour's."
Or:
If I'm waiting for a waiter in a restaurant, does that make me a waiter waiter?
.... Where was I?
Oh! Right... Two fears.
Or at least two, main fears.
One was... The girls are friends, but...
Eleven days straight, twenty four hours a day...
Are they going to still be friends at the end of the trip?
Or even halfway through it?
I remember going to Florida with my best friend when I was younger.
When we got back, we didn't talk to each other for three months!
The other fear I have is, naturally, will I be able to survive eleven days of female teenagerism?
I guessed... probably not.
We'll see.
Hmmm? Oh! You wanna know about the trip?
Okay.
All the details are here, in the PTR/mini TR: [thread=3270684]Canadian Buffoon's Vacation[/thread]
But to save you the trouble, I'll post the agenda here, too.
The three of us are going to drive from Winnipeg, MB, Canada to Niagara Falls for a dance competition.
And back.
About 3000 miles, round trip.
Well, the girls will be competing in the dance competition.
Me, not so much.
How did this happen?
The girls competed (and won!) in several team dance categories at a regional competition
and were invited to compete Nationally (kind of Internationally)
at Dance World Cup in Niagara Falls.
I say "kind of Internationally" since there was a team from the middle east (Cyprus) there as well.
For the life of me, I don't know why they call it "World Cup" when it's anything but worldwide.
But I digress...
Along the way, we plan on stopping at the Mall of America, touring Chicago,
spending a day at Cedar Point and of course, touring Niagara Falls.
Also, we're planning on a couple of DISmeets along the way!
I say they're still DISmeets even if they don't happen in Disney!
When two or more DISers get together, it's a DISmeet.
When you discover that the person who just ran the red light and crashed into you is on the DIS...
it counts.
One more thing.
If you haven't figured it out yet....
I'm long winded.
Or, more specifically, long typed.
I don't think I say too much in person... or maybe I do?
Depends, I guess, on my comfort level. Like most people.
Anyway, my chapters tend to be heavy on the typing,
but I'll try to throw you a bone (i.e. pictures) from time to time.
Ready to get started?
Then let's go!
---------------------------------
Dee's mom was going to drop Dee off around eight thirty in the morning on June 30th.
I wanted to be on the road by nine a.m.
I wasn't too sure how much of a morning person Dee was, but I'd have the next ten days to find out.
I figured the first day would be pretty easy.
Everyone's excited.
Sleep? Who needs sleep? Let's go!!
First though, I have to pack all the suitcases in the car.
I had my suitcase.
Elle had a suitcase, a small duffel type bag, plus some shoes and jackets.
Dee had two suitcases and a makeup kit... basically a sparkly version of a fishing/tackle box.
And then there were the pancake tutus.
For those who don't know what that is
(and, until recently, I didn't),
this is what one looks like:
While they're fairly flat, they're HUGE!
And you can't fold them.
Dee had one and we had to fit it in the car.
Hers is about four to four and a half feet across.
Should be okay. I'll put everything in first... then lay it on top of everything.
Well... Another teammate's mom heard we were driving and asked if we could bring her daughter's too.
(Tough to bring those suckers on the plane.)
Sure. Like I said, they're pretty flat, so one, two... who cares.
Then another mom found out and wanted me to bring her daughter's too.
She had a bag and all three tutus could fit inside.
Well... I guess so.
A few days before we were leaving,
I got an email from the last mom who wanted to know when would be a good time
to bring her daughter's and her daughter's friend's tutus over.
umm.... I guess we're up to four now.
Maybe I should not bring my suitcase....
In actuality, though, even with four people's tutus in the bag, it fit easily in the trunk and wasn't a problem.
I loaded all the bags and we were on the road by nine.
So an auspicious start, right?
Three miles outside of Winnipeg and it starts to rain.
Great.
Three miles later on we hit our first fifteen mile zone of destruction.
Construction.
Awesome.
So is this what this trip is going to be like?
Crawling through construction areas in the pouring rain?
Yippee!
Not long after, in the dark, cold rain;
accompanied by the rhythmic "fladdup, fladdup, fladdup" of the wipers,
a forlorn cry of "Are we there yet?" wafted up from the rear of the car.
Swiftly followed by the traditional responses, "Don't make me come back there!" and;
"I'll turn this car around!"
Usually paired with wild, ineffectual, easily dodged flailing of the right arm,
stretched as far as possible into the back seat area.
About an hour later, we get to the Canada/US border.
Probably because it's a Monday, there's little to no line.
Our first good news of the trip!
Along with our passports, I was carrying notarized letters from Elle's mom and from Dee's parents,
granting me permission to bring the girls into the US.
I was pretty sure, given their age, that the letters wouldn't be needed, but...
Twelve years ago (do the math... not long after 9/11) I took Elle (then 5) on a road trip to Toronto.
We were on the drive back home and crossing the border at Detroit.
It was a trifle disconcerting to see soldiers armed with machine guns at every queue.
I was directed to go inside the customs and immigration building.
When I entered, a woman in uniform approached us and asked me if she could ask Elle some questions.
I nodded.
I felt like my options were fairly limited at that point.
Nod.
Or be shot.
I chose nodding.
The agent approached Elle.
I worried.
Elle was extremely shy back then. She didn't warm to strangers.
Ever.
It was a rare day when she wouldn't refuse to speak and/or hide her face in abject misery.
The agent approached Elle and said, "What's your name sweetheart?"
"Elle."
Oh, thank heaven, she's actually replying.
The agent points at me, "And who's that?"
Oh, no. Oh, no. Please don't freeze up now. Pleasepleasepleaseplease....
"Daddy."
YES!! <fist pump>
"Sir? I don't know why you're in here. You've got both your passports and a letter from the other parent.
Frankly that's far more than most people bring.
Have a nice day."
Ding! We have a winnah!
hmmmm.... As I type this, I'm wondering.
This may be the first person of colour who ever spoke to her directly.
Maybe that's why, for once, she didn't shy away.
A child's innocence may have saved the day.
Back in the present, in the presence of another keeper of the border,
I do my best to not look like a human trafficker.
What does a human trafficker look like, anyway?
I don't know. But I tried not to look like one.
I smiled a lot.
Gave him my best "sincere yet honest" look, too.
I probably looked constipated.
"Where do you all live?"
"Winnipeg."
"Who's with you in the car?"
"My daughter and my daughter's friend."
"Where are you going?"
"Niagara Falls for a dance competition."
Darn it! I inwardly wince as I think, "That's just what a human trafficker would say!"
"Leaving anything behind in the States?"
I am sorely tempted to reply, "Probably my sanity"
or jerk my thumb towards the back and say, "If they don't stop the "Are we there yet" business... them!"
But I restrain myself and simply say, "No."
"Are you constipated?"
"No."
He hands back our passports and bids us adieu.
Ha! Toldja! Didn't even need the letters.
Of course I have three more border crossings in our future.
We enter the States and within a few minutes, the rain stops.
It's always sunny in America, right?
The girls are quiet. They're watching 50 First Dates.
We're bringing about twenty DVDs with us... or as I call them, SS's.
Sanity Savers.
When they're watching movies, they're quiet.
About an hour later they finish the movie and move on to Nights in Rodanthe.
Dee loves this movie.
Elle falls asleep.
We pull into Fargo, ND around noon.
"You girls want some lunch?"
Elle is very excited.
"Dad! There's a Subway with a drive through!"
"Okay." I calmly reply. "So you want Subway? Did you want to go inside to eat or get it to go?"
"Dad!!! You don't understand! There's a drive through! For a Subway!"
In case you haven't figured it out yet.
We don't have drive throughs for Subway up here.
At least not in Winnipeg... or any other Canadian city that I know of.
I'm not saying Canada doesn't have any... I just don't know of any.
And yes... We have drive throughs for all the crappy burger chains.
So instead of walking inside and ordering our sandwiches and getting them quickly...
We line up behind three other cars and wait our turn.
Eventually we get to the front of the line.
"Hello. Welcome to Subzzrk. grzt blplle skrat zaaaack."
I assume, since there's no more garbled speech that I should proceed with my order.
"Ummm... I'd like a six inch turkey sub on Italian..."
I politely wait for the person on the other end to acknowledge what I've said so far and ask what else I want on the sub.
Dead silence.
I wait patiently.
More dead silence.
Because it will help... I wait more.
Dead silence.
Eventually, I decide to see if everyone in the store has fallen victim to noxious fumes.
"Are you still there?"
The speaker makes a noise. "zzzkrtt vgrkkk alspttt."
Dee, who's hearing is apparently comparable to a bat, pipes up.
"She said to just keep going."
I stare at her in astonishment.
"I have really good hearing." She says.
Oh.
I place the rest of our order and don't even bother to figure out what comes out of the speaker.
I mean it's always the same, right?
"Thank you. That'll be ____ dollars at the window. Please drive ahead."
I drive ahead.
And pray what came out of the speaker wasn't:
"We're being robbed. Drive away as fast as you can and please call the police."
We get our subs.
No note inside begging for help, so I guess everything's okay.
We still have a three hour drive ahead of us so after gassing up
and getting fuel for the car
(heh)
we head back out onto the highway.
Our family has three cars.
I have one and my DW, Ruby, has a brand new one.
Elle has the third.
We were going to trade in our 2004 Honda Civic, but decided that it's a good car and Elle could buy it from us instead.
We spent a couple of grand getting it in tip top condition and eventually,
Elle will buy it with low, low easy payments and zero cash down!
Ruby's car is a two door.
Mine is a four door... and roomy... but it's a hatchback with not much luggage room.
So we took Elle's car. Which is still my car.
Well, technically it's Ruby's car since her name's on the title.
Whatever, either way, Elle was very excited since it's the only car she can drive
(the others are manual transmission), and she wanted to do some of the driving.
Dee has her learner's licence, but doesn't like driving.
So the driving will be done by myself and Elle.
An hour away from Minneapolis and our hotel, Elle says she wants to drive.
Great! I'm tired and looking forward to a break.
I pull over and we switch seats.
The girls commandeer the front seats while I stretch out in back.
The speed limit here is 70MPH and the fastest Elle has driven is about 65.
Plus there's a fair amount of traffic and three lanes of it.
She pulls onto the highway and I ask her if she's okay.
"Yup!"
A minute later I ask, "Lots of traffic, you sure you're okay?"
"Yup!"
Another minute goes by, "I can take over if you want. You sure you're okay?"
"Yes, Dad."
I decide that I can either keep pestering her every minute until I distract and/or frustrate her
to the point that we veer off the road and over an embankment...
Or I can just keep quiet and worry about it if and when it happens.
I wisely choose the latter.
About an hour later we arrive, accident free, at our hotel.
We've made pretty good time.
I forget to take a picture of the hotel.
Never fear. I take one later in the trip.
We stay at Country Inn & Suites hotels for the whole trip.
They all look the same, so when you see the one picture, you've seen 'em all.
I also neglect to take a photo of our room.
I think this is the only time I forget this, but we'll be staying here on our return leg,
and I did take one then.
So.... just wait. You'll see it eventually.
I figure the gals are hungry again, so...
"You guys wanna go to Smashburger? Or Rainforest Cafe at Mall of America?"
"Rainforest Cafe! Rainforest Cafe!"
Rainforest Cafe it is then.
The Mall is about a half hour drive away.
It's still early so we're sat right away.
Good thing, too. Don't they look like they're starving to death?
I thought so, too.
I'm a bad taker care-er of.
The girls order their meals as do I.
I also order some Chile Con Queso.
Creamy melted cheese with tomatoes, onions and green
chile peppers served with tri-color tortilla chips.
Dee's never had this before.
And even though I've had it in our house a few times, neither has Elle.
I have a feeling, based on the way they jumped on it like a pack of hyenas on a lame wildebeest,
that they'll be eating it more often now.
After a bit, our food arrives.
Food porn!!
Enjoy it while it lasts... I'll be very inconsistent with this during the trip.
Elle's fish and chips which she says is fine
Dee's coconut shrimp
Dee says it's good and offers me a taste of her shrimp.
I politely decline.
pkondz does not eat coconut.
Ever.
My paella which, while horrible looking in this photo, was...
just so, so.
Afterwards, we are all stuffed and decline dessert.
This becomes an unfortunate trend on our trip.
The lack of desserts, that is. Not the stuffidness.
It is too a word.
My TR. My rules.
The girls want to do some shopping.
We have an early morning ahead of us so I tell them to meet me at the Lego store by eight o'clock.
They run off and I'm left to my own devices.
Free! I'm free! I can do whatever I want!
The world (or mall in this case) is my oyster!
I'm bored already.
I mean c'mon! It may be the largest mall in the USA, but it's still just a mall.
I decide to walk the entire mall,
or at least the first three floors since I'm not sure if the fourth goes all the way around.
I'm hardly on my way when a young man, manning a kiosk walks up to me.
He says, "This is for you." and hands me what looks like an MP3 player.
Uhh... okay?
I, stupidly, say, "What's this?"
So, he shows me.
It's the controller for a tens machine.
If you don't know what that is... Google it!
Oh, fine.
"Tens" stands for Transcutaneous Electrical Nerve Stimulation.
Basically you put two or more patches on your skin and run a current between them.
It's supposed to help ease pain.
All I know is that he slapped one patch on one shoulder blade and another on the other.
I felt a tingling sensation and my shoulders involuntarily rose up somewhere above my ears.
The current cut off and my shoulders dropped suddenly back to a more natural location.
"This device." He began, "Can change your life!"
<rise><rise><rise><rise><rise>
"Oh?" I wittily replied. "How?" (stupid, stupid, stupid! Just run!)
<fall>
"Do you ever have cramps?"
<rise><rise><rise><rise><rise>
"Uh, I guess... not really."
<fall>
"How about muscle pain? Ever get that?"
<rise><rise><rise><rise><rise>
Oh, if only he knew... Don't tell him!
"Uh, sure. I guess so."
<fall>
"Then this device is for you!"
<rise><rise><rise><rise><rise>
"Oh, yeah?"
Please, just keep your mouth closed. Please?
<fall>
"It can prevent those pains and ease the ones you've got!"
<rise><rise><rise><rise><rise>
"Uh, how much is it?"
I didn't know if it could really help, but it sure would be a hoot at parties.
<fall>
"Only $150!"
<rise><rise><rise><rise><rise>
"No thanks, that's a little out of my league."
<fall>
He then removed the patches.
I'm not sure if he did that because he was done demonstrating
or if he wasn't sure when I was shrugging my shoulders due to lack of caring.
"Would $100 be in your league?"
Released from bondage, I started to edge away from my executioner.
"Not really."
"Would $50 be in your league?"
Okay... now this is starting to sound a bit more like a deal.
Winnipeggers never pass up a deal.
It's in our blood.
Which we got on sale from the blood bank.
"How about $25?"
"For $25 bucks." He replied. "You can have this scalp massager!"
He brandished what looked like an eggbeater on steroids at me.
I shook my un-massaged head and finally managed to extricate myself from my predicament.
I spent the next couple of hours just wandering the mall.
I found an anime cart where I bought some stuff that I didn't understand for my younger daughter, Kay.
I wandered into a couple of stores that looked interesting, but didn't buy anything.
A little before eight, I'm back at the Lego store, waiting for the girls to show up.
At ten after eight, I'm still waiting.... and starting to worry a bit.
None of us have cell phones that work in the States.
Well, Dee's phone works, but it's pricey, so we'll only use it in an emergency.
Before I can start to imaging the myriad types of emergency that the girls could be having,
they show up.
We head back to the hotel and we all decide to hit the pool for a bit.
Dunno, do they look like they're still friends?
I dove into the hot tub.
Oh, relax. I carefully lowered myself into the hot tub.
Happy?
No, of course not.
I know my readers.
You were all hoping I really did dive in, weren't you?
And even better, dove in and hurt myself, right??
There was a young man already in there and he said hello.
We struck up a conversation and he told me he played football at Wheeling High School.
We chatted for a bit, then something caught my eye.
Both the pool and the hot tub were equipped with lifts for raising and lowering a disabled person into/out of the water.
I thought that was terrific.
I'd never seen them in a hotel before and was pleased that the hotel would make the effort.
But, a small boy started climbing on one of them.
I was just about to say something when he was told to get off.
It really bugged me.
If he broke that chair, he'd just shrug and go about his day.
Maybe his folks would have to pay for it, maybe not.
But it's for darned sure that anyone needing that lift, wouldn't be able to!
Sorry, it just really bugged me.
I headed up to the room and reminded the evil twins that we had an early morning ahead of us.
They showed up not much later and wanted to know why I'd talked to "that boy!"
"Why?"
"Because then he came over and talked to us!"
Oh, horrors. A good looking, athletic, similarly aged young man spoke to you!
Perish the thought!
I was beat.
It'd been a long day.
And the night wasn't going to be much better.
The girls got the nice comfy, cozy king size bed in the separate bedroom.
I got the unforgiving, metal bars poking up, fold out couch with the oh-so-thin mattress.
Really, really comfortable....
Okay, I'm exaggerating with that picture.
It wasn't nearly that comfortable.
Good news, though.
World Cup, Germany 2, Algeria 1.
The girls were loud... which I assumed they would be, so I just lay there and prayed for silence.
Eventually, around eleven thirty, either they quieted down... or I just passed out.
Coming up...
We travel to Chicago and a big DISmeet!
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back then there were things called "play pens" she didn't want the 2 babies in the play pen at the same time. when our son todd was in the play pen, he spit up a little bit.. she took out every toy in that play pen and sanitized it!! 
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