Tantrums

[Lupeix]

I beg to differ, and child development is my area of work.
It really depends on the child temperament, there are low maintenance and high maintenance children. It is true all kids get the point of what's wrong and right quite early, some kid's personality is such that they get the point and they just don't fight it the next time, while some just know they are not going to get what they want and they still try and try and try.


We started DS on "cool downs" (aka time outs) the first time he threw food of his highchair, maybe 9 months? It took me a full 2 weeks of consistent work just to sleep train him at that age. We are very consistent and he still throws tantrums, they just last much shorter than they did when he was younger. He just always tries to see what he can get away with.
Maybe one day he is going to be a successful trial lawyer.

You know, I had no intention of commenting on this thread until 'this' post!

I had three children and I 'did not' tolerate tantrums, period! Did I wait until they were 1 1/2, 2, 2 1/2, to try to control them? No way, we nipped them in the bud when they first started - like when they'd try to 'buck' in your arms when they were tired, cranky, fighting sleep, didn't get their way, whatever. We gave them firm 'no's' each time and made them sit, whatever the case was. By being 'very' consistent, trust me it taught them that throwing a fit did not 'get it'.

Would I want to try to handle 'your' child after he's been allowed to tantrum all this time - no way - some things need to be started and 'consistent' at a much earlier age. Were we mean, no way, just loving and firm.

By the way, I know others that have used this tactic and it works 100%. Children (babies) know at a very young age what is expected of them and if you really mean what you say - not just words, but words, and actions.

 

[SEA333]

You know, I had no intention of commenting on this thread until 'this' post!

I had three children and I 'did not' tolerate tantrums, period! Did I wait until they were 1 1/2, 2, 2 1/2, to try to control them? No way, we nipped them in the bud when they first started - like when they'd try to 'buck' in your arms when they were tired, cranky, fighting sleep, didn't get their way, whatever. We gave them firm 'no's' each time and made them sit, whatever the case was. By being 'very' consistent, trust me it taught them that throwing a fit did not 'get it'.

Would I want to try to handle 'your' child after he's been allowed to tantrum all this time - no way - some things need to be started and 'consistent' at a much earlier age. Were we mean, no way, just loving and firm.

By the way, I know others that have used this tactic and it works 100%. Children (babies) know at a very young age what is expected of them and if you really mean what you say - not just words, but words, and actions.

Same here...I was told by a wise mother when my oldest was born: "if you don't want something to become a habit, don't let it start"

I didn't want tantrums to become a habit. So I didn't let them start. We nipped tantrum-y behavior in the bud the second it started...the first time my baby let out an ear piercing scream. The first time they tried to wriggle away from me. The first time they took off down an aisle in the store, making me chase them (ooohhh...if blood really boiled, that would do me in!). The first time they wouldn't sit down at a table in a resturant. The first time they said "no" to me. The first time they touched something after I said no. The first time I actually got to "3" (didnt take more than getting to 3 once and they made sure i never did again!!). The first time after warning them that if they ask more than once, the answer will automatically be no. And, most of all, the FIRST TIME they threw a fit because of any of the above.

I had my list of "absolutely nots" that I decided that I would not tolerate at all, not even once, and disciplined the first time they did it, whether they were 6 months old or 6 years.

Discipline means to teach, or guide, and I knew that by teaching them early, it would be better for both of us. I patiently (or not so patiently!) taught them to behave in appropriate ways, and they learned that the chances of getting what they wanted would be ZERO if they threw an annoying fit about it. (I'm so much more of a sucker for a sweet kid!!! Lol) it to this day is so easy to follow through saying no when I'm irritated. My most repeated phrase these days with tweens/teens is "go ahead and make it easy on me by making one. more. sound. so I can say no. Try me." Lol This stops them every time! But its because of 14...10...8 years of following through.

I can honestly say that my kids really never had meltdowns. It just wasn't a part of their toddlerhood.

I also agree that I would not want to deal with someone else's kid in a tamtrum stage because I guarantee that they would have a meltdown in my house because they wouldn't be used to my behavior expectations. I would need much more than one afternoon to change tantrum habits.

 

[SEA333]

I beg to differ, and child development is my area of work.
It really depends on the child temperament, there are low maintenance and high maintenance children. It is true all kids get the point of what's wrong and right quite early, some kid's personality is such that they get the point and they just don't fight it the next time, while some just know they are not going to get what they want and they still try and try and try.

We started DS on "cool downs" (aka time outs) the first time he threw food of his highchair, maybe 9 months? It took me a full 2 weeks of consistent work just to sleep train him at that age. We are very consistent and he still throws tantrums, they just last much shorter than they did when he was younger. He just always tries to see what he can get away with.
Maybe one day he is going to be a successful trial lawyer.

I beg to differ with this. I also have a early childhood/child psych background.

I have found that any child, barring (bona fide) emotional or physical issues, can be taught appropriate behaviors with clear expectations, rules, and consistency on the part of the adults around them.

Its been my experience that it is the temperment of the PARENTS that make or break the kids behavior.

And I'm talking parents of 6 month olds on up through the teen years. Excuses of a child's temperment are just that....excuses

FWIW, at 9 months, when my kids threw food off their tray, dinner was OVER. We didn't "train" anything. He/she/he learned very quickly that if you want the food, keep it on the tray. Worked for all three kids...different temperments and all.

 

[Lolsmum]

I beg to differ with this. I also have a early childhood/child psych background. I have found that any child, barring (bona fide) emotional or physical issues, can be taught appropriate behaviors with clear expectations, rules, and consistency on the part of the adults around them. Its been my experience that it is the temperment of the PARENTS that make or break the kids behavior. And I'm talking parents of 6 month olds on up through the teen years. Excuses of a child's temperment are just that....excuses FWIW, at 9 months, when my kids threw food off their tray, dinner was OVER. We didn't "train" anything. He/she/he learned very quickly that if you want the food, keep it on the tray. Worked for all three kids...different temperments and all.

I love it when someone is so certain they have the answer to all children's behaviour. I'm sure you know more about every child here than their parents and any professionals who have been involved with them. My daughter had a startlingly strong personality and presented her preschool and reception year (age 4-5) teachers with behaviour they had rarely seen. Her brother, 1 year older, literally never misbehaved in those same settings. We used the same methods at home. Some children just take longer to learn this, just as they do with everything else. Some children are naturally more compliant than others. I have known many families in which one child "acts out" more than their siblings. I cannot think of any in all my years as a babysitter, nanny, nursery key worker or parents where none of the children ever acted out. I was never fortunate enough to work with such perfect children.

 

[Lupeix]

I have found that any child, barring (bona fide) emotional or physical issues, can be taught appropriate behaviors with clear expectations, rules, and consistency on the part of the adults around them.

I think we are all trying to say the same thing here. Of course all children can be taught! But it takes longer for some kids than others, even when you "nip it in the bud" every time. Until that happens what you see from the outside is meltdowns. I was the kind of child that all it took was one warning for me to never do something again, while my husband was the opposite, and our soon is very much like DH. There is genetics at play.

Some kids are just more persistent or less able to control their emotions. Also the earlier they can articulate their frustration with words the sooner the meltdowns end, since they are usually out of anger or frustration over something they do not have control over.

But going to the subject of Disney again. I have a high spirited child, I feel it is my responsibility to spare other parents from my child's bad behavior, so inside the park cool down time at the babycare center worked. It involved some snack and tv, which I will never do at home. I will go there as prevention, because I know what can trigger it. DS did not have a public meltdown at WDW, and guess what DH had a huge one! The apple doesn't fall far from the tree as they say

 

[slzer0]

FWIW, at 9 months, when my kids threw food off their tray, dinner was OVER. We didn't "train" anything. He/she/he learned very quickly that if you want the food, keep it on the tray. Worked for all three kids...different temperments and all.

FWIW, of your two year old doesn't want to sit at the dinner table, all he'd have to do is throw his food on the floor and dinner is OVER.

Ask me how I know.

 

[slzer0]

I didn't want tantrums to become a habit. So I didn't let them start. We nipped tantrum-y behavior in the bud the second it started...the first time my baby let out an ear piercing scream. The first time they tried to wriggle away from me. The first time they took off down an aisle in the store, making me chase them (ooohhh...if blood really boiled, that would do me in!). The first time they wouldn't sit down at a table in a resturant. The first time they said "no" to me. The first time they touched something after I said no. The first time I actually got to "3" (didnt take more than getting to 3 once and they made sure i never did again!!). The first time after warning them that if they ask more than once, the answer will automatically be no. And, most of all, the FIRST TIME they threw a fit because of any of the above..

You cite a lot of examples here and mention that these things you didn't tolerate. I'm genuinely curious what exactly you did in these situations.

I'm honestly at a loss for what you can do in these situations, once, that prevents a child from ever doing them again, aside from beating them.

I know for a fact that my son does several of these things on a daily basis, and a firm NO and a time out certainly don't stop him from trying them again tomorrow.

 

[slzer0]

Okay guys.
This really wasn't meant as an invitation to brag about how your kid doesn't have tantrums. Or judge people whose children do.
I was asking for real solutions on how to deal with tantrums in a theme park, that don't involve a time machine to go back and apparently be a better parent.
Sheesh already.

And for real let's give the "why would I handle your child after your crappy parenting a rest". I was merely venting about my judgy sister who has no kids and therefore no frame of reference. It was a figure of speech.

If you're going to look down your nose at me and my tantrumy kid, go ahead and do it in the park, not here where I'm asking for advice and help.

 

[slzer0]

All of that said, I'd like to clarify my original question.

This seems to have become a conversation about crappy behavior, as conversations about toddler behavior can often become.

Of course my son sometimes behaves badly. He's a strong willed child and he's just learning the ways of the world, and for him, it's a struggle.

But what I'm really talking about here is meltdowns. Not bad behavior, Veruca Salt screaming for another lollipop... But meltdowns.
Baseless crying episodes where he can't tell me why he's upset or know himself. Over stimulation.

Yes, I can stay ahead of it. But if we don't, I was looking for ideas to handle it in the moment, or over the 25 minute period of public travel back to the resort.

 

[slzer0]

I really was going to ignore the few mean-ish comments, as the bulk of this thread was very helpful.
Sorry but it's just started to get under my skin.

Thank you, truly, for all the helpful suggestions and words of encouragement. I will definitely be putting these suggestions to practice at home and in the parks, and taking deep breaths knowing he will work his way through this difficult period.

And congratulations to you, if my crying son makes you feel good and validated about your own parenting methods. Sorry if I'm too busy calming him to notice the smug looks and congratulate you in person.

 

[wilkeliza]

All of that said, I'd like to clarify my original question. This seems to have become a conversation about crappy behavior, as conversations about toddler behavior can often become. Of course my son sometimes behaves badly. He's a strong willed child and he's just learning the ways of the world, and for him, it's a struggle. But what I'm really talking about here is meltdowns. Not bad behavior, Veruca Salt screaming for another lollipop... But meltdowns. Baseless crying episodes where he can't tell me why he's upset or know himself. Over stimulation. Yes, I can stay ahead of it. But if we don't, I was looking for ideas to handle it in the moment, or over the 25 minute period of public travel back to the resort.

If you are close to them the baby center will be your friend. They aren't always convenient but are quite. They will give him a great place to calm down.

Also I know it is used more for kids who have sensory issues but you could get him some of the over the ear guards that will cut the noise down and then let him sit in the stroller. Cutting the noise may allow him to sleep in the stroller.

 

[lovemy2girls4eva]

Kids are kids, they are going to have the tantrum, whether they are home, store, WDW wherever. OP- don't feel bad, trust me your child won't be the only one who may have a tantrum. I have 2 small kids very close in age and although they were good for the most part, they did have a tantrum here and there. I tried to see what it was that was causing it, were they tired? hungry? So we would go back to the hotel, rest, nap, eat and then we hit the parks again and they were good the rest of the day. If going back to the hotel doesn't work..redirect the tantrum. Hey look is that Mickey I see? Oh wow..if u stop crying we will go over there and say hi! This has worked for my kids A LOT!! You know your child but don't feel bad at all!!

 

[ericstac]

I didn't read the entire thread because I'm sure it went down some silly path but for the OP topic we like using the restroom. Our kids dont really throw tantrums but they do like to fight/horseplay with each other (3 boys) and when it gets to a certain level all we do is say keep it up and I'm going to take you to the restroom. They stop.. lol what happens in the restroom stays in the restroom..
now sometimes our youngest DS5 (6 in Nov) would be tired and just be flat out moody... we would do something to cheer him up BEFORE it gets to a level of exhaustion that would cause crying etc.. usually a cheap toy or bottle of his favorite soda or a snack or something...

hope that helps some.

our "restrooom" deal is something we've always done no matter where we are.. someones house, the grocery store... where ever.. They've learned over time its much easier to not have to go into the restroom.

 

[clambert1273]

I really was going to ignore the few mean-ish comments, as the bulk of this thread was very helpful.
Sorry but it's just started to get under my skin.

Thank you, truly, for all the helpful suggestions and words of encouragement. I will definitely be putting these suggestions to practice at home and in the parks, and taking deep breaths knowing he will work his way through this difficult period.

And congratulations to you, if my crying son makes you feel good and validated about your own parenting methods. Sorry if I'm too busy calming him to notice the smug looks and congratulate you in person.

don't sweat it... regardless of what anyone else says.. ALL children have tantrums. That is their way of expressing themselves.. even my teenager still tries to have tantrums Now that he is older, of course I torment more than I could at the age of 2... he doesn't like to lose his phone

My 7yo daughter isn't a big tantrum person (never has been) she has now moved into the whiney stages which for me grates my nerves more lol She is very dramatic when she does it too lol

There was some great advice here on dealing with it in the parks.. and I think you could use a combo of them depending on the level of tantrum (cuz we all know they can be small annoying ones or grand scale you want to fall into a whole type)... good luck and maybe it will be tantrumless!

 

[slzer0]

I definitely marked the baby care enters on my maps, they seem like a nice quiet place to chill out. I'm also interested to find the sensory list someone mentioned, but I think the baby care center will likely be enough.

I love the idea of riding with him multiple times via fastpass. We have DD18 with us, so on rides like the mountains, she'll go twice while one of us stays with DS... But he can ride kiddie rides 3x with us then if we do it that way (and the other 2 can watch or ride something else) ! Cool idea.

I'm going to request that DVD from the library on Monday, I'm intrigued.

I love that someone posted re: ending time outs with a hug and I love you. We always do too. <3

I think the hard thing to accept is that sometimes kids just need to cry. Especially if they're over stimulated. I know my son isn't receptive to discipline when he's in a meltdown, he's not really coherent. Once we're in a calm place I think I'll have better luck dealing with him, hopefully.

 

[OZMom]

I wasn't going to reply to this thread, because there are so many commenters with perfect children, I didn't want to admit that my children did, and sometimes still do, have the occasional tantrum but I do want to offer a possible solution and some empathy.

I have one "highly sensitive" son, he hated loud noises, itchy fabrics etc and got frustrated or distressed very easily. DS2 is just stubborn and fiercely independent. However, what worked for us, is a method a friend told me about called "when and then". I cannot put my hands on the article right now, but the gist of it is when DS is having an emotional outburst, I acknowledge his feelings and then return "control" to him by saying "I can see you're angry. When you are done being angry, then we can go on the next ride" or "I understand you want the candy bar, but it's not a healthy choice right now. When you're done crying, Then we can find an appropriate snack." This is totally not a one size fits all, and sometimes I have to repeat it 2,5,8 times for it to sink in, but it's what works for our family. I hope you find a solution that works for you and enjoy your vacation.

FWIW, if I stare at a mom with a tantrumming child, it's usually because I'm trying to talk myself out of giving her a hug We gotta stick together and be supportive.

 

[slzer0]

LOL @ whatever happens in the restroom, stays in the restroom!

ROFL

 

[lovemy2girls4eva]

I love that someone posted re: ending time outs with a hug and I love you. We always do too. <3

.

We do too!!! Love this!!

 

[Reyes0702]

I think sometimes ppl have amnesia when they say their kids never acted a certain way. I know I am guilty of thinking of the good times my kids behave not bad. But i do recall having some tantrums from my ds. It usually happened in one place, at church, and believe me thats the one place the stares were not sympathetic LOL. I had one older lady tell me she had 5 kids that sat quietly and neatly in a row at church. I felt like asking her to train my son lol

Anyways there are plenty of good advice. My ds is 10 and still has what I will call tantrums at times, but sometimes I realize its b/c he needs attention. Spanking him at those times will only make him more resentful so we make a point to talk to him and give him adequate consequences

 

[North of Mouse]

I beg to differ, and child development is my area of work.
It really depends on the child temperament, there are low maintenance and high maintenance children.

Doesn't matter if you are a child development specialist, or how many books written/read on the subject, none of it matters when it comes down to applying it to your own child.

Same here...I was told by a wise mother when my oldest was born: "if you don't want something to become a habit, don't let it start"

I didn't want tantrums to become a habit. So I didn't let them start. We nipped tantrum-y behavior in the bud the second it started...the first time my baby let out an ear piercing scream. The first time they tried to wriggle away from me. The first time they took off down an aisle in the store, making me chase them (ooohhh...if blood really boiled, that would do me in!). The first time they wouldn't sit down at a table in a resturant. The first time they said "no" to me. The first time they touched something after I said no. The first time I actually got to "3" (didnt take more than getting to 3 once and they made sure i never did again!!). The first time after warning them that if they ask more than once, the answer will automatically be no. And, most of all, the FIRST TIME they threw a fit because of any of the above.

I had my list of "absolutely nots" that I decided that I would not tolerate at all, not even once, and disciplined the first time they did it, whether they were 6 months old or 6 years.

Discipline means to teach, or guide, and I knew that by teaching them early, it would be better for both of us. I patiently (or not so patiently!) taught them to behave in appropriate ways, and they learned that the chances of getting what they wanted would be ZERO if they threw an annoying fit about it. (I'm so much more of a sucker for a sweet kid!!! Lol) it to this day is so easy to follow through saying no when I'm irritated. My most repeated phrase these days with tweens/teens is "go ahead and make it easy on me by making one. more. sound. so I can say no. Try me." Lol This stops them every time! But its because of 14...10...8 years of following through.

I can honestly say that my kids really never had meltdowns. It just wasn't a part of their toddlerhood.

I also agree that I would not want to deal with someone else's kid in a tamtrum stage because I guarantee that they would have a meltdown in my house because they wouldn't be used to my behavior expectations. I would need much more than one afternoon to change tantrum habits.

Agree 100%! It 'can' and has been done by numerous parents.

I beg to differ with this. I also have a early childhood/child psych background.

I have found that any child, barring (bona fide) emotional or physical issues, can be taught appropriate behaviors with clear expectations, rules, and consistency on the part of the adults around them.

Its been my experience that it is the temperment of the PARENTS that make or break the kids behavior.

And I'm talking parents of 6 month olds on up through the teen years. Excuses of a child's temperment are just that....excuses

Teaching, and consistency are the very important things to remember.

You cite a lot of examples here and mention that these things you didn't tolerate. I'm genuinely curious what exactly you did in these situations.

I'm honestly at a loss for what you can do in these situations, once, that prevents a child from ever doing them again, aside from beating them.

I know for a fact that my son does several of these things on a daily basis, and a firm NO and a time out certainly don't stop him from trying them again tomorrow.

Nope, don't need to beat them - you just nip them in the bud 'very early' and don't allow them to get started. It 'does' work, but takes work.

don't sweat it... regardless of what anyone else says.. ALL children have tantrums.

Nope, not true - so you're saying some of us are liars, right? I've known plenty that do not allow their children to throw tantrums - happy kids too. Raised three, and they all had different personalities - two were very strong willed, but we didn't tolerate tantrums. Doesn't matter if you believe it or not, doesn't change what we and many others have experienced.