Suicide and explaining it to a 12 year old.

[mommasita]

My daughter who is 12 started High School this year. It was a big switch with new people in a private school. She made friends with the most bubbly outgoing girl.

Over the Xmas break she invited her over for the day. She told me I went to high school with her friend's mother. The mother came to drop off, had a coffee, and we spoke a little. Very nice lady, and to be honest I had NO recollection of her, but I did graduate in 1986.

Fast forward to today and DD12 sent me a text at lunch. The girl's mother passed and that was all they knew. Since DD is so close to her, they had a grief counselor for her and a friend. DD refused, and at that point did not know the cause of death. She said she was fine, but when I picked her up, she was anything but. We spoke after school, but I feel she is in need of more.

I got a PM on FB about her cause of death. It was suicide at her home. DD is now asleep and I plan on talking to her about it in the AM. I think if I don't someone else will at school. To be honest, I think she knew. Her friend told her she would explain in person, she did not want everyone to know, it was a private reason. I just don't know where to begin..I was thinking I should call the school and ask what they plan on telling the children, and perhaps asking DD again for the grief counselor? My DD just lost her Aunt in November and the holidays were hard, along with my son's friend's parents being killed in a tragic automobile accident. It has been a rough go.

This woman leaves behind 2 children. 12 and 17...

So, thank you if you have any advice, and even if not, if you can keep them in your thoughts. The service is this weekend, and we will be attending.

 

[quasar4legs]

How tragic for this woman, her family and friends

I will be thinking of you all this weekend

 

[bellanotte10]

this is so sad and i'm sorry this happened to you! I actually had this situation happened to me when i was about your DD's age. My best friend's father committed suicide, and my parents just told me that he died and that i wasn't to go to his funeral as I was too young. My best friend was LIVID and didn't talk to me for the longest time and didn't know that I didn't know what had happened, and it was my parents who refused to let me know and not just me refusing to go to her fathers funeral.

When my friend told me what happened i couldn't stop crying and felt horrible for not being there for her.

I would treat your daughter as an adult, and maybe first ask her how much she knows. Then, if she doesn't know the circumstances, explain in a nice gentle way. My parents didn't think i was mature enough, and thought i'd be upset if they told me. I was more upset they DIDN'T tell me and i looked like a fool. (this still happens to the day)

also reinforce that its a private matter and just to have DD tell people she died and thats it. I'm sure you know that. But I guess my story is a cautionary tale. It caused a huge rift in our friendship after i didn't know and wasn't allowed to go to the funeral.

as for a grief counselor, maybe see how your daughter acts after a while and if she seems different or showing signs of sadness etc then pursue the proper channels. I think here a wait and see approach is best. but don't let it get too bad.

not sure if this helps at all. Just know that i was in your DD's shoes once and its horrible, and tricky and its worse because of the age i'm sure you'll be fine and brilliant and i'm thinking of your family and theirs

 

[mommasita]

Thank you both
bellanotte10, I am so sorry you went through that a tender age.

I actually emailed the assistant director later that night. She answered me bright and early that she was about to email me, as she saw DD's reaction. They had my DD meet with the counselor along with another girl. It went very well, and while discussing they made a loving card for Alex...I didn't pry any further.

I drove my daughter to school as well, and we spoke over breakfast and on the drive. I explained that some people have so much pain, and can not find any answers and choose this route. It is by no means an easy way out, and she was quite upset, but put on a good face. Thankfully today was a day of no school, and we spent a nice day talking and watching TV on the sofa...

Tomorrow is the funeral, and her friend told her she would be more than welcome. So we are going to that. She told me she wants to be there for her friend. We are going to lunch with the family after that...

Thanks again...

 

[bellanotte10]

never easy but you did well with what you said. Its a tricky thing to describe and explain. Hope everything gets better one day at a time for your daughter and her friend.

 

[Deesknee]

I'm sorry for the pain/grief your daughter and her friends family are going thru, as well as yourself.

If I read your post correctly, you were informed via FB of the cause of death. If that is the only confirmation you got on the cause I caution to completely believe it. Not that I think anyone would intentionally lie about such a thing, but misunderstandings happen.

As far as how much to say. I don't know, I have never had anyone close to me or my children end their own lives. But, I would assume most people who do this are ill. They have some type of severe, probably untreated or mistreated mental illness. I don't know how, but I would try to explain her mother died of a disease, of an illness, touching of course as pp stated it is not the easy way out.

I will certainly remember all of you in my prayers. I am so sorry you have had such grief stricken times lately.

Dee