Looks like Terri is doing a great job. I wish her all my prayers and strength that she continues on this road as well as she has. Amy
Daddy's watching over us
Australian Woman's Weekly
By Michael Sheather
STEVE IRWIN often spoke with his hands. Every Crikey or Get a look at this little beauty that tumbled from his mouth was punctuated with a flourish. It was with these hands as big as an orangutans, says his widow, Terri that Steve grappled with the
crocs that made him an international star. And it was with these hands that he held the three most important people in his life, wife Terri and their children Bindi, eight and Bob, three.
Today, almost three months after his death, Steve Irwins hands are still reaching out to those he loved most in the world his family. It sounds bizarre, but his hands are probably the thing I liked most about him, says Terri, 42. They were huge. And the children always knew they were safe and loved when he held them.
Outside our house, there is a little concrete patch that Steve put there when Bindi was eight months old. He pressed Bindis handprints and footprints into the concrete, then his dog, Suis, paw prints and then my hands and his.
Now, when I come home, I often put my hands in his, which is nice because it helps me feel close to him. He left his hands here for me. Robert sometimes puts his hands in his fathers hands, too. He looks up at me and he says, My hands are going to be just as big as daddys. I put my hands in there and they just about disappear because his fingers are so long, but I can feel Steve beside me. Im really thankful that he left me his hands.
As Terri speaks, tears flow freely down her face. For her, theres no holding back. Like Steve, Terris emotions run close to the surface and though her grief is open and sometimes raw, she declines an opportunity to pause.
Its fine, she insists. I cry all the time. I can be watching a toothpaste commercial and Ill start crying. I just have to work through it. Besides, its good to talk about Steve and what he did. Thats important. Thats how we keep going.
Her remarkable ability to keep going, to stay focused on her children, Bindi and Bob, to remain strong when all her emotions dictate that she fall apart, to look to the future when the present is too painful, are a godsend for Terri Irwin.
It has helped her deal with her own almost unbearable grief, as well as the grief of her children, though Terri know that she, Bindi and Bob still have a long journey ahead of them. I has also helped her endure criticism that Bindis public appearances are detrimental to her wellbeing something Terri staunchly denies and has helped her formulate a plan, which later this month will see Terri step into Steves shoes, as difficult as that might be, to take over the crocodile shows at Australia Zoo and keep his wildlife conservation dream alive. Through it all, Terri has felt Steve by her side. Steve and I were very lucky to have such a closeness, such a bond, and I dont think even death can shatter that. I dont feel that he has gone. I know that he is not with me in the physical sense and I miss him terribly. And I spend a lot of time on the floor in his office crying, but I can sense that hes close by, looking over us.
I think if it had been me who had gone first, then I would want Steve to be there for the kids and I would want him to hold his head up and continue. I wouldnt want him to fall in a heap. I am still finding out how it all works, but I do know that Steve and I have a bond that will always be there. Ill always be able to tap into that and Ill just do my best to get stronger every day.
I need to for my kids. I need to for the wonderful people at this Zoo, for Steves dream and for the wildlife he wanted to save.
As we talk, sitting beneath the bronzed replicas of a pair of baby elephants in a new section of Australia Zoo, part of a 10-year, multimillion dollar redevelopment envisioned by Steve before his death, Bindi is readying herself for a photo shoot.
She is dressed in a fairy costume and is dancing and singing, much as any eight-year-old girl might. Shes also talking excitedly about a new project, a childrens animal column she will write from next month for The Weekly. Shes vivacious and full of enthusiasm. Its hard to imagine that she is recovering from such a traumatic experience as losing her father. Yet not everybody, says Terri, is as insightful or mature as Bindi Irwin.
Bindi is a remarkable, strong little girl, says Terri. There are times when she astounds me. I understand that if you dont know Bindi or if you have a child who has stage fright, then it might seem odd that she can walk out in front of a huge crowd and talk so well, but shes been in front of crowds since she was born. Her birth was filmed. Shes been comfortable with cameras and filming her whole life.
Bindi has grown up in a zoo. She doesnt go to the zoo once or twice a year like most kids. She goes every day of her life. That is extraordinary, but for Bindi, that is also normal.
If I was to suddenly put her in a house in suburbia where she had a little backyard and a goldfish as a pet, that would be hard for her. That would be kind of weird and scary. But this is absolutely the norm for her and she loves it.
There is nothing abnormal about her life. The Tooth Fairy brings her money for her teeth when they fall out. We have Christmas like everybody else. She goes to school here in the Zoo. We have a teacher, Miss Emma, who goes everywhere with us. Bindi likes Britney Spears and she loves the pop star Pink.
Terri says that filming her TV series, Bindi the Jungle Girl, for the Discovery Channel is important for Bindi. She believes that by completing the series, which is being produced by long-time family friend, John Stainton, she will be delivering her fathers conservation message.
Bindi feels that very deeply, says Terri. Last night, she came to me with a drink holder from the Zoos shop. It was covered in fake fur. She said she didnt think we should sell it because it gave the message that fur was okay, even if it was fake. And its not okay. She didnt think Steve would like it. Bindi had a meeting with the director of merchandising this morning and now its off the shelves.
Since Steves memorial service, Terri has concentrated on Bindi and Bobs welfare, even engaging a psychologist to assess their emotional state. Bindi was devastated by the loss of her father, as was Bob. Yet Bindi managed to deal with that catastrophic event in a way that amazed even her mother.
I dont pretend to have all the answers, says Terri. I met with a psychologist and thats been a tremendous help for me. I asked him if everything was okay because Bindi has been so happy. And he said, Why? Are you worried? Thats what you are shooting for. Thats what you want. You want a well-adjusted child who can handle a tragedy and see that life has to go on.
With Bindi, when she has her sad moments and misses Steve and gets upset, we put on some of the hours and hours of vision that we have of him. We put on a daddy show. We talk about him. We talk about him in the present tense. I ask, what would Daddy say about that? And then we laugh because thats what Steve would do.
And that lets me have the ability and the maturity to let her be happy. Why would I want her to sit on the floor and cry all day? There are things I have to make her do. I have to make her go to school. She would rather film all day, but she has to go to school.
Then her reward is like today, every little girls dream. You show up here with a bunch of fairy princess dresses, someone is taking her picture and telling her shes pretty. Thats pretty cool for an eight-year-old. She loves it and I think thats wonderful.
Terri says that part of the explanation of how Bindi has been able to deal with Steves death springs from her life at the Zoo, where she has been exposed to the cycle of life and death.
I really wrestled with this for a while, admits Terri, about whether to allow Bindi to be a part of lifes cycle here at the Zoo. You can imagine that with 1000 animals, things are being born and dying all the time. We have a wildlife hospital right here. Little animals come in and they dont always make it.
Bindi saw that and developed a healthy understanding that life is one part of what its all about. And then you die and you go on to the next part. She does have an understanding of it and that has helped, as has our faith in God. Thats something every individual varies on, but its been nice to have that because it allows us to believe that we will all be together again one day.
And we believe that Daddy is watching over Bindi and Robert, and that were going to make him proud of us, all of us.
Terri says Bob, or Robert as she always calls him, is having a harder time coming to terms with his fathers absence. He really has had a much more difficult time and I attribute that to the lack of knowledge about death, says Terri. He saw a dead turtle the other day and I was trying to explain that it was dead, and he asked if the doctor could fix it.
So theres a lot of explaining, but the spiritual side is hard, too. Robert often says, I dont want Daddy to be in heaven anymore, I want him to come home. Or he will say, I dont think Daddy is in heaven. I think hes just outside, but I cant find him. Its hard for me because it is gut-wrenching stuff that he tells me, but instead of falling to pieces I sit down with him and explain it, how it works.
Maybe we sell our children short sometimes. Im just speaking from my experience here. The other morning, a branch fell on the roof and Robert asked what it was, and I said I thought it was a tree limb falling. He said, No, I think its Daddy. He dropped that from heaven.
So there is the beginning of understanding there and an understanding that his daddy is not physically around.
STILL, SUCH CONCEPTS are difficult for a little boy to grasp, especially one who only turns three on December 1. Just about anything reminds Bob of Steve. We used to play little games, recalls Terri. Id say, Robert, youre my little sweetie and Steve would say, No, hes not, hes my big boy. So now, if I say, Youre my sweetie, Robert will say, No, Im Daddys big boy. Hes like a little puppy waiting for Steve to come home.
But hes not crying and hes not angry like he was. So I feel thats an achievement. I feel that we are on the right path, that Robert will be okay.
For now, Bob has clear recollections of his father and what he did, especially catching crocodiles. Before Steves death, the family spent six weeks in the outback catching and tagging crocodiles for scientific research.
I ask Robert what he is going to do when he grows up and the answer is always, jump crocs or catch crocodiles, says Terri. He plays a game about it. When he jumps on the pretend croc, hes got all the detail of what Steve would do. Hell say, Hand me the 6mm rope and Hand me the blindfold and I need some duct tape. Okay, Im going to say two words: go and now. And I want you to get off the croc. Ready? Go. Now.
Steve caught 49 crocs in four weeks and Robert remembers verbatim everything that was said. I have no doubt that is what he will do. Hell grow up and catch crocs. Its devastatingly sad that his dad isnt here, but hell be okay.
Bindi jumped her first croc on the same trip. There was a little croc about three metres long, recalls Terri. Bindi got to jump the head and I got to back her up. It was a big moment for Steve. He was very, very proud of her. So in this coming year, there will be more of that. We have all the people here that Steve trained to help, and our friend, Wes Mannion, the Zoo director, who is about as close to a clone of Steve as you can get, will help us out.
JUST AN HOUR BEFORE our interview, Terri took centre stage in the Zoos theatre, the Crocoseum, for the first time since June. It was the first of many appearances to come during the summer, the Zoos busiest season. It was also her first show since Steves death, the first show without her husband at her side.
It was awfully, awfully, awfully hard out there, she says, tears flowing once more. Because Steve wasnt there. Whatever I try to do for conservation from here on in, Im not Steve. No matter how passionate I am about wildlife, I dont have the depth and the enthusiasm and the spirit for wildlife that Steve did. He was unique, so talented and so passionate about what he did.
I dont know how long its going to take before I just dont feel absolutely lame out there to say this is why you should love crocodiles and why we should try to preserve them.
I just miss him. And I have always looked up to him. Ive always leaned on him and been proud of him. It was hard [in the Crocoseum], but I didnt cry and Wes was with me, and we did it. So we are going to be doing the shows for Christmas. And, God willing, I dont cry then either. Ill just try to get the message out. That was the big driving force for Steve, the protection of those apex predators. So I am going to try.
Everywhere you look at Australia Zoo, theres abundant evidence of the admiration people held for Steve and his message. Its often said that Steves death brought an outpouring of public grief rarely equaled in Australia since the death of Diana, Princess of Wales, in 1997. Millions worldwide watched his memorial service on TV.
Even today, floral and written tributes line the walkway beneath the Zoos $9million Crocoseum, where Steve performed his famous croc shows. Dozens of short-sleeved khaki shirts hand side by side, adorned with thousands of signatures.
In the nearby head office of Wildlife Warriors, the wildlife conservation charity set up by Steve and Terri, is a mound of 55,000 letters and cards from around the world.
Her husbands death, says Terri, was a terrible blow. I worried about Steve being in cars, in planes or in areas of political unrest around the world where he worked, but I never worried about him with wildlife, she said. The way it happened was a tremendous shock. But Steve said openly to many people that he had a sense of urgency because he had a feeling that he wouldnt be here for a long time. He wasnt morbid or strange or sad about it. None of us know how long were going to be here. Lots of people put off the really important stuff in life. You know, when I retire Ill spend more time with the kids. But Steve had the great gift of not doing that. He never put off what he could do today.
Hes left the Zoo with a blueprint of where he wants it to go. In his office are all the plans for the next stages of the Zoo. Theres the elephant park, which is being built now, the Madagascar exhibit, which will be an island with lemurs leaping through the treetops, and theres even an American exhibit.
The Zoo is about 80 acres [32 hectares], but we have around 500 acres [200 hectares] all up to expand into. He always said it would take about 10 years and, beyond that, he didnt want to know about it. He said that was for Bindi to worry about. Steve always had such a sixth sense. It was almost like he was getting his house in order. He left with things abundantly clear on what to get finished. So I am appreciative of that. I have direction. I know where we are going.
To that end, Terri and everyone around her is focused on the future, just as Steve would have wishes. Christmas, always important for the Irwins, will be different this year. Steves absence will be keenly felt. Christmas was always a time just for us because were such a tight family unit, says Terri. We live here at the Zoo and on Christmas Day, the only day that the Zoo is closed, wed walk around the grounds together and talk about the future, what we were going to do. The kids would put in their two cents worth. That was Christmas for us. It was just being together. Its going to be hard not having that this year.
Yet there is still much to do. The croc show will be revamped for the holiday season. Bindi and her band, the Crocmen, will begin playing in the Crocoseum in January. Theres Bindis TV series to finish and her new DVD/CD, Kidfitness, a project that Bindi and Steve dreamed up to help overcome childhood obesity, has just hit the stands. Theres Bindis new column for The Weekly and a trip to the US early next year, which will include a televised tribute to Steve in Los Angeles, featuring Terri, Bindi, Bob and the Crocmen.
Steves greatest legacy, however, remains his family. Steve was such a dedicated family man, says Terri. That was such a huge part of who he was. Theres not a minute that we dont think about him. I think about Bindi and Bob and what they meant to him. He loved his children more than life.
I think about him in that moment before he died, think about how guilty he would have felt to be leaving them when theyre so young, and I hear myself saying to him, Dont worry. Its not your fault. It was an accident. It will be all right. They will be all right. And I know that it will be.
Bindi Kidfitness is available November 25, through EMI.
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