Steps in relationships, when to move to another level?

[jevs]

"Since I finally found a BF when I was 17"

You make it sound like this is the age of some spinster.

"However, I do not want to be one of those people who only thinks about work and that is their entire life. "

I can assure you that being single does mean that I think only about work or make it my entire life. I have friends and family. I am sure you do too. Or have they all gone by the wayside since this quest for a man began?

"I don't have any real hobbies"

Get some

"Wine used to be a hobby"

Making wine is a hobby, drinking wine as you refer to it being a hobby is an ADDICTION.

I sincerely believe this is no longer a plea for help or advice. This is a desperate attempt at attention seeking behavior. OP is obviously not getting that from family, friends or the many loves of her life, so she is reaching out here. Ignoring posts of advice and solutions and answering posts that feed into the sob story. Troll or not, we are still feeding into her needs.

This is correct. Unmarried women over a certain age don't think and talk about work. We think and talk about our cats.

 

[MataHari22]

This is correct. Unmarried women over a certain age don't think and talk about work. We think and talk about our cats.

Lol. Or in my case, naked dog. I'm allergic to cats!

 

[wilkeliza]

I was going to say I don't think Wine is a hobby unless you mean going to wineries with friends to taste wine, enjoying a good glass wth dinner, visiting wineries to learn about the process and make it yourself. Investing in Wine companies. That seems like hobbies. Picking up a cheap box of boxed wine and knocking that back on your own and passing out on your couch does not equal a hobby. (That last part is not about the OP just what I think someone who calls wine a hobby is).

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

OP Do you have children?

No, I do not have children.

I will just ask. Not to get flamed or anything. I ask because it is something I CANNOT figure out, and it has been an issue since high school.
Let's take tonight for example... I went out with him again. When we are out, he seems to know everybody and is talking to everybody. I don't have a problem with him talking to people, but at some point I start to feel ignored. I either stand around or sit around and start getting really angry because I do not feel included. I try to smile and not look upset, but inside I am so mad. I realize he has a lot of friends, and he has a right to talk to him, but I absolutely hate it when he doesn't pay attention to me when we are together. I also was pretty mad because after he finally shut up talking to them, he spent a lot of time swapping insults back and forth with his ex via text. I ask seriously.... who is wrong here, him or me? I will admit that I stop being angry when he acknowledges me and says something nice to me. This is a situation where I don't know if I am being too needy or if I have a real reason to be upset because he isn't paying me enough attention.

In 6 months of dating I asked him to do very little. I asked him to go out with a couple of my friends not long ago. His response was "H E double hockey stick NO" because he doesn't like one of my friends that was wanting to go. So, yea... we didn't end up going.

I probably shouldn't bash him. I believe there is a very good chance that I am the one that is wrong here and I should not be so demanding and jealous.

 

[Squirlz]

No, I do not have children.

I will just ask. Not to get flamed or anything. I ask because it is something I CANNOT figure out, and it has been an issue since high school.
Let's take tonight for example... I went out with him again. When we are out, he seems to know everybody and is talking to everybody. I don't have a problem with him talking to people, but at some point I start to feel ignored. I either stand around or sit around and start getting really angry because I do not feel included. I try to smile and not look upset, but inside I am so mad. I realize he has a lot of friends, and he has a right to talk to him, but I absolutely hate it when he doesn't pay attention to me when we are together. I also was pretty mad because after he finally shut up talking to them, he spent a lot of time swapping insults back and forth with his ex via text. I ask seriously.... who is wrong here, him or me? I will admit that I stop being angry when he acknowledges me and says something nice to me. This is a situation where I don't know if I am being too needy or if I have a real reason to be upset because he isn't paying me enough attention.

In 6 months of dating I asked him to do very little. I asked him to go out with a couple of my friends not long ago. His response was "H E double hockey stick NO" because he doesn't like one of my friends that was wanting to go. So, yea... we didn't end up going.

I probably shouldn't bash him. I believe there is a very good chance that I am the one that is wrong here and I should not be so demanding and jealous.

I've been following but this is my first response. Good God woman. if you don't break this off now you are going to be 47 with 3 divorces. You will be truly damaged goods at that point. Fix yourself before you go any further. It's your only chance.

 

[rigs32]

I don't know what you mean by keeping up with pictures in your cubicle means. I've been with my partner for 8 years and I have no pictures of us together displayed at work. That doesn't mean anything about our relationship.

He flat out refused to hang with your friends? That would be the end for me and yet you think you're being unfair. I'm genuinely curious what would happen if you started being a partner and not a tag a long in your relationship.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I don't know what you mean by keeping up with pictures in your cubicle means. I've been with my partner for 8 years and I have no pictures of us together displayed at work. That doesn't mean anything about our relationship.

He flat out refused to hang with your friends? That would be the end for me and yet you think you're being unfair. I'm genuinely curious what would happen if you started being a partner and not a tag a long in your relationship.

Pictures in my cubicle means I have A LOT of pictures of us in my cubicle at work. I know a lot of people have like a picture of them and a spouse, child or a family pic... but yea I went way overboard with it and have like a bunch of pictures of us... and a few of my cat. Yes, I have one friend that he really does not like. She does not like him either.

 

[sonnyjane]

No, I do not have children.

I will just ask. Not to get flamed or anything. I ask because it is something I CANNOT figure out, and it has been an issue since high school.
Let's take tonight for example... I went out with him again. When we are out, he seems to know everybody and is talking to everybody. I don't have a problem with him talking to people, but at some point I start to feel ignored. I either stand around or sit around and start getting really angry because I do not feel included. I try to smile and not look upset, but inside I am so mad. I realize he has a lot of friends, and he has a right to talk to him, but I absolutely hate it when he doesn't pay attention to me when we are together. I also was pretty mad because after he finally shut up talking to them, he spent a lot of time swapping insults back and forth with his ex via text. I ask seriously.... who is wrong here, him or me? I will admit that I stop being angry when he acknowledges me and says something nice to me. This is a situation where I don't know if I am being too needy or if I have a real reason to be upset because he isn't paying me enough attention.

In 6 months of dating I asked him to do very little. I asked him to go out with a couple of my friends not long ago. His response was "H E double hockey stick NO" because he doesn't like one of my friends that was wanting to go. So, yea... we didn't end up going.

I probably shouldn't bash him. I believe there is a very good chance that I am the one that is wrong here and I should not be so demanding and jealous.

Alright. I'm out. If you're a troll, then there's no response worth typing because you're playing with us. If you're REAL, that last response I just quoted pretty much confirms that you are psychologically messed up wayyyyyyyyy more than anyone here can help with and you need to not only see a therapist but need months if not years of INTENSIVE therapy.

Either way, I'm proving to be just as crazy by indulging you, so I'll let others take over from here.

 

[Cinderella94]

Pictures in my cubicle means I have A LOT of pictures of us in my cubicle at work. I know a lot of people have like a picture of them and a spouse, child or a family pic... but yea I went way overboard with it and have like a bunch of pictures of us... and a few of my cat. Yes, I have one friend that he really does not like. She does not like him either.

What sort of comments are you hoping for on this? If you feel it's too many then take some down. Pretty simple.

 

[Lynne M]

No, I do not have children.

I will just ask. Not to get flamed or anything. I ask because it is something I CANNOT figure out, and it has been an issue since high school.
Let's take tonight for example... I went out with him again. When we are out, he seems to know everybody and is talking to everybody. I don't have a problem with him talking to people, but at some point I start to feel ignored. I either stand around or sit around and start getting really angry because I do not feel included. I try to smile and not look upset, but inside I am so mad. I realize he has a lot of friends, and he has a right to talk to him, but I absolutely hate it when he doesn't pay attention to me when we are together. I also was pretty mad because after he finally shut up talking to them, he spent a lot of time swapping insults back and forth with his ex via text. I ask seriously.... who is wrong here, him or me? I will admit that I stop being angry when he acknowledges me and says something nice to me. This is a situation where I don't know if I am being too needy or if I have a real reason to be upset because he isn't paying me enough attention.

OK, a couple of problems here. No, it's not realistic or justifiable for you to expect him to ignore everyone else in the room when you are together. It's not up to him to 'include' you. Join in the conversation, just as you would in any situation where you're in a group of people. Include yourself.

The constant battling with the ex is childish and tiresome, and would have made me lose interest in him long ago. And him calling her a 'jealous psycho' would have made me drop him on the spot. That's like the mother of all red flags.

Let me ask this. If you had a car accident every time you went driving, you'd start to realize that you needed help with the fundamentals of driving, right? You'd look for a driving instructor. If you really wanted to play tennis, but you lost every time and didn't even understand why, you'd sign up for tennis lessons.

I don't mean to be unkind, but you could really use some help understanding romantic relationships, and what their proper place is in your life. You don't seem to have a grasp on what a healthy relationship looks like. To use my example above, it's like trying to play tennis without having any idea of how the game works. This is why we keep suggesting that you see a therapist. Somewhere along the way, you picked up a lot of misunderstandings about relationships, and I think it would help to work with someone who's a 'relationship teacher' - i.e., a therapist. You seem to believe that your approach to relationships is just the way things are, and can never change. That's not true. You can learn a different approach, just like you could learn to play tennis.

 

[roseaster]

No, I do not have children.

I will just ask. Not to get flamed or anything. I ask because it is something I CANNOT figure out, and it has been an issue since high school.
Let's take tonight for example... I went out with him again. When we are out, he seems to know everybody and is talking to everybody. I don't have a problem with him talking to people, but at some point I start to feel ignored. I either stand around or sit around and start getting really angry because I do not feel included. I try to smile and not look upset, but inside I am so mad. I realize he has a lot of friends, and he has a right to talk to him, but I absolutely hate it when he doesn't pay attention to me when we are together. I also was pretty mad because after he finally shut up talking to them, he spent a lot of time swapping insults back and forth with his ex via text. I ask seriously.... who is wrong here, him or me? I will admit that I stop being angry when he acknowledges me and says something nice to me. This is a situation where I don't know if I am being too needy or if I have a real reason to be upset because he isn't paying me enough attention.

In 6 months of dating I asked him to do very little. I asked him to go out with a couple of my friends not long ago. His response was "H E double hockey stick NO" because he doesn't like one of my friends that was wanting to go. So, yea... we didn't end up going.

I probably shouldn't bash him. I believe there is a very good chance that I am the one that is wrong here and I should not be so demanding and jealous.

Yes, and no. Yes, you are being overly needy to expect him to dote on you throughout the night. He should introduce you, but you need to keep up your side of the socializing (and this is coming from someone who socializes really badly. I have to push myself to be social)

The texting thing, IDK. It is hard to judge, because, honestly, you do seem to require a lot of attention, not to be unkind. If it is truly a constant thing, and he is spending his time texting her on the phone over actual nonsense, not stuff about the kids that requires immediate attention, then, yes, I would have a problem with it. I think it is rude to be on the phone constantly and unnecessarily when you are supposed to be interacting with someone. For instance, with my family the only time a phone is allowed at the table is if my husband is on call.

Him refusing to do something with your friends would be a problem. It appears that you do what he wants to do, but he doesn't reciprocate. Every person with a spouse or partner has a friend of that spouse/partner that they don't care for. Usually you suck it up and smile and play nice and just keep your distance.

OP. You really do need to do some work to figure out what makes you tick. You don't seem to be able to break these patterns of behavior in your life.

You really need to build some self esteem. Do something that gets you out of your typical rut. Go volunteer at your local animal shelter, food bank, soup kitchen, domestic violence shelter, hospital, children's charity. Take a cooking, knitting, dance, some sort of hobby, class. Join a book club. Find something and just do it yourself.

 

[Disney Doll]

This is why I don't miss dating.

My wife and I both joke that she's too lazy and I have no time to cheat. We know each other's passcode (it's the same) on our phones because sometimes we'll use each other's phones to use the Internet, camera, maps, etc. especially if we are out. So getting pics from other people would be difficult to hide.

No kidding.

I'm a "one and done" kind of girl. Don't have the desire or patience to deal with someone else's issues any baggage.

 

[Disney Doll]

He never really said exactly why he got divorced... just a lot of stuff about how his ex-wife was and still is a jealous psycho. He said she was always accusing him of stuff, and well yea. When I start feeling jealous, I think to myself, I do not want to remind him of his ex.

Maybe she wasn't accusing him. Maybe she was pointing out behaviors that he was engaging in (like having a dating/hookup app on his phone) and he didn't like that.

You know, sometimes the ex wife is actually right.

 

[Sabeking]

This is the best thread ever....

 

[Kitty 34]

This is correct. Unmarried women over a certain age don't think and talk about work. We think and talk about our cats.

And that's why I like you, Jo. My cats are Pudgie and Blondie.

 

[mrsheppo]

I see so much of a former co-worker of mine in you, Kathryn. She is 60 and has been divorced 5 times. She was more in love with the whole idea of being in love than making time to really get to know the person before marrying them. Not one of the marriages lasted more than 3 years. She admits even with her now boyfriend she still checks his phone to see if he has talked to any other women that were previously in his life. You sound very needy and wanting someone to validate that you are worthy of love. The only person that can validate that is YOU!! You want to jump from relationship to relationship. My ex husband was like that too. We were divorced 2 weeks and he was remarried to the woman he cheated with when we were married.

You definitely need therapy. Your not being able to tell him how you really feel about his actions is a real red flag. Honestly, you really need to take a break from men. Pamper yourself for awhile and make you your number 1 priority, not another man. Get rid of the pictures of him in your cubicle (keep the cat ones). You don't have to show off to the world "Hey, look at me! I have a boyfriend and we are Facebook official!" You seem to thrive on this drama. Listen to your dad in this case. He didn't like the other 2 and he seems to pick up on something with this one too. In this case I think "Father Knows Best"

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I am happy that I got some input about the attention thing. I suspected I was being unreasonable about him talking to others, and not including me in conversations with others when we are out. At 44, I smile and act cool about it (because I can understand, that issue is my fault and that's on me). Like this morning... I think back to last night, I was just being silly getting bent out of shape about him not giving me his undivided attention the whole night. Was I upset and angry at the time? Absolutely! The next morning, it's cool, no problem. I get so worked up over everything all the time, that I lose sight of what I should really be upset about and what I should not. I just try to show no anger at all, that way I don't look like I am being a witch. I guess I do have a process... I believe it may not be a good process though.

A lot of his texting with the ex is about the kids. He texts back and forth with his daughter a lot. What generally happens is, his ex also text his daughter and get her all upset. Then he is texting back and forth with both of them. I am convinced that his ex is actively working to destroy any relationship he might have. For example... she chose his birthday to have a meltdown that included suicide threats.

 

[BrinkofSunshine]

What bothers me about my BF the most is, sometimes I feel as if he isn't paying enough attention to me. (I don't know if this is me being unreasonable, or if this is a real problem). I also do not like how he cannot seem to stop bickering with his ex wife. It's over, just stop this already. (they fight about the kids all the time, and when I say all the time, I mean like all the darn time). I feel awkward when we are supposed to be together and he is sending hateful texts back and forth with his ex. It is like I am right HERE, freakin' pay attention to me.

He seems to have gotten rid of the Tinder app, so I can say that's improvement (assuming it is really gone, which I really believe it is). He has also stopped talking about past girlfriends so much thankfully

I would be wary of a man who spends that much time and energy to being hateful towards his ex-wife, the mother of his children and someone he most likely loved at some point.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

I would be wary of a man who spends that much time and energy to being hateful towards his ex-wife, the mother of his children and someone he most likely loved at some point.

I would assume that they loved each other at some point yes. Granted I have never met her... However, I have seen some of her work. She sends hateful texts, I have listened to her screaming rants she leaves on his voicemail. She really is a ranting raving lunatic sometimes. She and their oldest daughter (who is now living with him) go back and forth with the fighting... and yes this is how the two of them keep getting into it. She plays this card with her daughter (yes I have read the texts myself), about how you are such a spoiled brat, you are a lying piece of blah blah... then later "I love you so much, why do you treat me this way, why wont you come back to live with me"? It has gotten to the point where she (his ex, to their daughter) was like "you are dead to me".... but eventually went back to the, "I love you don't ignore me".

Then he steps in, then they go at it with each other... it is exhausting. This has been going on the entire time I have known him.

 

[okeydokey]

I am amazed that someone so self aware would be so unwilling to work on solving their problems. You seem to know that you need help, but you won't get it. You keep doing the same things and expecting different results. You seem so unhappy but won't see a therapist. You can feel better, but for some reason you prefer to be unhappy. It's baffling.

If you don't stop and take care of your issues now, this scenario will play out over and over for your whole life. I can't imagine you want that.