Spouses/SO's teaching each other lessons inspired by Shelbyjosh's thread

[Crankyshank]

No it's not the "he needs to do what I say or else". We are a partnership. We are equals. And part of the partnership is respect. It's disrespect to make your spouse have to do extra work because of your laziness.
I'm not a martyr. I'm not one to put up with things I find unacceptable. I'm also not one to play games. teaching lessons is a game. Life is too short. I don't feel vocalization is agressive - I think it's being honest and preventing built up resentment.

 

[jgmklmhem]

I can tell you one thing, the quickest way I can ensure my DH WON'T do something is to nag and/or belittle him.

Like I said her nagging wasn't working. I didn't see what she did with the plate to be belittling me. I saw it as a natural consequence of my refusal/indifference to my job at the time. I didn't do the dishes so I had to at least in this case think I had to eat off a dirty plate. I wasn't hurt or embarassed. She cleaned the rest so she would have clean ones for herself. Maybe I am not as thin skinned as to feel an afront to occasionally being humbled by my wife (or the other way around). Now if it was always one sided then I can see a problem but in our case it is not. We all need it sometimes even from those we love....which I do see as being supportive and loving. Sometimes when you are being a donkey it is best to hear it from a loved one. As far as talking it through we usually do but I honestly don't remember conversations from 5 years ago...but I sure remember this plate incident and laugh about it and keep the dishes clean.

 

[nativetxn]

For 34 years, my husband and I have "taught each other lessons". Not intentionally. I think that the lessons just come from life.

If I do something that upsets him, he tells me and I learn from that. If he does something that upsets me, I tell him and he learns from that.

I would never serve him dinner on a dirty plate and he'd better never treat me like I'm a child, either.

Katholyn

 

[CEDmom]

Belittling someone is a form of psychological abuse. If I ask my DH to do something he will do it. I just have to decide whether I can live with it being done in what he considers to be a reasonable amount of time or not. If it's important enough to me and I don't want to wait then I do it myself. He's good about doing stuff but he just doesn't have the same sense of urgency at times that I do. It works the other way as well with him asking me to do things.

Oh, and we don't have specific chores. I do most of the stuff around the house because I'm home many more hours than he is but he does lots of things alone with our DD so I get a break and she gets daddy time. It all balances out in the end and we don't need to teach eachother lessons.

 

[Toby'sFriend]

ok, then I guess I'm not being honest.

Look - my husband is not a lazy man. He generally works 12+ hours a day at his job, coaches his son's baseball team, handles most of the yard work, gets the oil changed in the car, puts the toddler in his jammies every night and tucks him into bed .... and makes sure that the dogs are fed and takes the trash out every Thursday. That is just how he kind of naturally is......

If he doesn't want to clean up his dinner plate every night...then I guess I'd just say, "boy the guy doesn't want to clean up his dinner plate" and I'd grab it and put it in the dishwasher. Much the same way that I've cleaned his hair gel up off the sink for the past 17 years. I'm sure I'd get annoyed by it every so often, but in saner moments I'd have to remind myself that there is plenty around here that he DOES do. Nobody is perfect and I have no desire to try to discipline him into being so.

 

[snoopy]

I can tell you one thing, the quickest way I can ensure my DH WON'T do something is to nag and/or belittle him.

Learned that the first year of marriage.

I have a full proof method of getting DH to do stuff for me, but I can't really talk about it on the DIS.

 

[nativetxn]

LOL!!!, Snoops!!!

 

[minkydog]

I don't think i've ever tried to "teach my hubby a lesson" but when we were young marrieds we used to go visit his parents on the weekends(they had A/C,ahhhh...) He would tell my what to pack in his suitcase, rather than doing it himself. I decided to nip this in the bud--I couldn't seem myself packing his undies for 30 years or so. I warned him that I wasn't going to pack his stuff unless he laid it out for me. Several times I warned him

Fast forward to Friday night at 11pm--"Where's my toothbrush? Where's my clean underwear?" Uh, that would be back out our house, 15 miles away, where you left them. He remembered me telling him to pack but didn't think i "meant it" (surprise!) In the last 24yrs I have never been asked to pack his suitcase again.

We each do stupid things, but we also cover for one another and do what we can to mitigate the embarrassment and pain to our spouse. I guess that's why we've enjoyed being married all these years.

 

[CEDmom]

Learned that the first year of marriage.

I have a full proof method of getting DH to do stuff for me, but I can't really talk about it on the DIS.

Yeah, that works for me to .

 

[Shugardrawers]

This all reminds me of the time my ex-hole thought he needed to "punish" me. His mother loaned us some money and gave it to us in the form of a check. The next day when I was about to go to the bank I couldn't find the check to save my life. We tore the house apart. It had just disappeared. I went to work and later that evening called my husband and told him I was going to his mother's to request a new check (I paid the stop payment fee because it was my fault after all). What the ex-hole didn't tell me was that he'd already been there and gotten a new check. He wanted me to go tell her I lost it. Ex-MIL was a condescending person to begin with and the whole process was humiliating especially when she accused me of just wanting more money (she assumed I knew her son had already been there). He said he did it to punish me. I reminded him that he was my husband, not my daddy. I already have a daddy and he did and still does a good job. My current DH would never dream of trying to punish me. I think he occasionally needs a little life lesson but I married him and all his bad habits so I refrain too.

 

[dmslush]

There is a huge difference between working together to create a working relationship and being abused.

 

[Serena]

Hmmm, I have to admit to sometimes not being as nice as you all are.

 

[SherryNC]

Learned that the first year of marriage.

I have a full proof method of getting DH to do stuff for me, but I can't really talk about it on the DIS.

Does it involve role playing?

 

[jgmklmhem]

I don't think i've ever tried to "teach my hubby a lesson" but when we were young marrieds we used to go visit his parents on the weekends(they had A/C,ahhhh...) He would tell my what to pack in his suitcase, rather than doing it himself. I decided to nip this in the bud--I couldn't seem myself packing his undies for 30 years or so. I warned him that I wasn't going to pack his stuff unless he laid it out for me. Several times I warned him

Fast forward to Friday night at 11pm--"Where's my toothbrush? Where's my clean underwear?" Uh, that would be back out our house, 15 miles away, where you left them. He remembered me telling him to pack but didn't think i "meant it" (surprise!) In the last 24yrs I have never been asked to pack his suitcase again.

We each do stupid things, but we also cover for one another and do what we can to mitigate the embarrassment and pain to our spouse. I guess that's why we've enjoyed being married all these years.

This is a good example of what I have been talking about the whole time. It is rare that we do these things but I don't believe doing these types of things means our marriage is doomed to failure or that we don't respect each other. Sometimes it just takes something memorable to get our butts in gear. I was served dinner on a dirty plate. I didn't eat it and was given a clean plate after my shock wore off.... I wasn't punished but was shocked....but I remember to do the dishes now just like her husband makes sure to pack his own stuff. Neither of us were hurt in these cases. Now is she had left his vital blood pressure medicine at home to prove a point that would be wrong but not packing his toothbrush to prove a point is pretty much harmless and hopefully helped him remember in the end.

 

[katerkat]

I agree and disagree. I don't think I could serve dinner on a dirty plate, but my DH knows that I do laundry exactly as it goes in the hamper. I don't turn shirts right side out and I definitely don't fiddle with dirty socks. If he wants them right side out, he knows they have to go in the hamper that way.

 

[EsmeraldaX]

I sometimes will just let a new roll of toilet paper sit on the shelf next to the holder until it's either gone or he finally puts it on the holder...you'd think putting it on the holder was rocket science.

 

[SherryNC]

I sometimes will just let a new roll of toilet paper sit on the shelf next to the holder until it's either gone or he finally puts it on the holder...you'd think putting it on the holder was rocket science.

We have those exact same kind of power struggles. We are both stubborn about the stupidest things.

 

[lulugirl]

Learned that the first year of marriage.

I have a full proof method of getting DH to do stuff for me, but I can't really talk about it on the DIS.

....and it's oh so very effective!