Spouses/SO's teaching each other lessons inspired by Shelbyjosh's thread

jgmklmhem

DIS Veteran
Joined
Dec 8, 2003
In the other thread many people were coming from the opinion that spouses aren't parents and shouldn't be teaching their spouses "lessons." I don't agree. Spouses do this all the time to get things in the order that they want them and to make things more harmonious. As long as it isn't in an abusive way or doesn't cause "real" harm then I think it is only natural (Shelbyjosh's example would be one I consider over the top). We all have bad habits that need to be broken and once you are an adult your parents aren't always there to teach you that lesson (heck they probably facilitated some of our bad habits).

For example it is my job to clean out the sink after dinner is cooked and we are done eating. Either due to laziness or actually work to do I had forgotten/not cared to do it for a few days even at my wife's urging. My wife knowing it needed to be done did it anyways but kept one plate aside. The next night at dinner I was served my meal on this dirty plate (didn't eat from it and got a clean plate after the point was made). I got her point and have very rarely been a problem since. I think sometimes we all need to be humbled to keep order and we all know just nagging doesn't work much of the time.
 

swilphil

Feels trapped in a Brady Bunch episode at the Poly
Joined
Jun 7, 2003
I haven't read Shelbyjosh's thread, but I know I resent my husband when he tries to bully me out of my bad habits. Likewise, he resents it if I unintentionally treat him as a child. We didn't get married until we were both in our mid-30s, and each were set in our ways. We do best when we discuss our bad habits and come up with a solution together.
 

poohandwendy

DIS Veteran
Joined
Feb 18, 2001
I disagree. I have been married 19 years and do not need lessons from my DH, nor he from me. As an adult, he can come to me and talk to me about what bothers him, as I can with him.

We compromise, we remind each other. And we accept that each person brings with them some habits that may annoy the other. No big deal. When one person has an issue with something that is bothering them, we take each other seriously without the need to humiliate, humble or chastise each other to get the point across.

If anything, IMHO, I think trying to 'teach' your spouse a lesson just leads to a relationship where you are not equals. It is parenting, imo. I don't think marriage should be about parenting.

JMHO
 
Joined
Oct 12, 2000
The next night at dinner I was served my meal on this dirty plate (didn't eat from it and got a clean plate after the point was made).

I'm sorry but that's just wrong. It was humiliating and disrespectful. Marriage is a partnership and there is no reason for anyone to feel it is okay to make you feel inferior, humiliated, or less than equal.
 

mickeyboat

<font color=660099>Nothing like the cream and choc
Joined
Oct 14, 2003
poohandwendy said:
I disagree. I have been married 19 years and do not need lessons from my DH, nor he from me. As an adult, he can come to me and talk to me about what bothers him, as I can with him.

We compromise, we remind each other. And we accept that each person brings with them some habits that may annoy the other. No big deal. When one person has an issue with something that is bothering them, we take each other seriously without the need to humiliate, humble or chastise each other to get the point across.

If anything, IMHO, I think trying to 'teach' your spouse a lesson just leads to a relationship where you are not equals. It is parenting, imo. I don't think marriage should be about parenting.

JMHO

ITA! We joke around a lot about "teaching one another a lesson." But we are never serious about it, and we would never in a million years consider doing it.

Denae
 

poohandwendy

DIS Veteran
Joined
Feb 18, 2001
As far as the Ops example...I see that as passive aggressive behavior. I would speak up before annoyance turned into revenge.

I would just say 'Hey, I'm gonna have to do these dishes if you don't get your sorry butt in here buddy"...in a joking way. If I didn't care all that much about it, I would just do them and remind him the next time. I wouldn't hold onto anger or resentment and then plot a way to embarrass him so he would learn.
 

CookieGVB

S/D Cheerleader & SSB Tormentor
Joined
Feb 16, 2000
The dishes would sit until time for the next meal - then I'd mention "You want to eat? These dishes need to be cleaned."

Serving someone a meal on a dirty dish is just uncalled-for.
 

Crankyshank

<font color=CC0066>love the happy bunny<br> <fon
Joined
Oct 24, 2002
I am my husband's wife, not his mother. I don't have the time or the inclination to teach him lessons. That's total passive/aggressive behavior and just not necessary.
If my husband does something that annoys me, I tell him. I don't invent ways to get back at him. He forgets to put his socks in the hamper. I don't toss his socks away as payback. :confused3 After a lot of nagging reminders, he eventually gets it.
 

justhat

<font color=teal>DC DISer<br><font color=red>pick
Joined
Oct 22, 2002
Hmm, I don't know. My husband's job is to clean our rabbits potties out and he rarely does it when he's supposed to (which is everyday, so actually, he never does it when he's supposed to as it gets done 1x a week on average). In fact, he only does it when it really has to be done, or if I keep reminding him over and over. I wish he'd do it more, but he's an adult, knows that's his job (used to be mine till I got pregant) and if he doesn't do it everyday what am I gonna do about it? Dump the potty in his backpack? It's not that he doesn't want to do it out of spite or anything like that, it's just not something he thinks about all the time. I don't think 'teaching him a lesson' would make him any more inclined to do his job. I don't see it as my job to punish him. We're in a relationship together and we each have our own responsibilities and it's up to us to do them.
 

Blondy876

<br><font color="Blue">The Tag Fairy stopped by to
Joined
Mar 1, 2003
aprincessmom said:
I'm sorry but that's just wrong. It was humiliating and disrespectful. Marriage is a partnership and there is no reason for anyone to feel it is okay to make you feel inferior, humiliated, or less than equal.


I agree. My dh and I actually speak to each other when things like his forgeting the dishes ormy leaving the laundry around gets on our nerves. We don't have assinged chores, this is OUR home and we work together to get things done.

Anyway, you don't need to "teach" your spouse a lesson. You need to talk to each other so that you both are on the same page. Yes, Shelbyjosh may have a problem remembering her purse but instead of treating her so disrespectfully he could help her come up with a way of remembering it, he could bring it in the house for her or he could leave it there and not go on a power trip about it. If he knows that she forgets it he could remember to look for it. I am sure she looks out for him too. She probably clears the table after he eats if he forgets to, she probably picks up his dirty clothes when he forgets them on the floor. That's what you do when your a couple. As my brother would say, you have each others backs.

You don't treat someone you love, care for, respect and trust this way. You just don't.
 

poohandwendy

DIS Veteran
Joined
Feb 18, 2001
LOL, this is off topic, but do people really serve their spouses dinner already plated for them? Like a restaurant? We serve ourselves after all of the food is placed on the table. You know...like ''please pass the peas, gravy, etc''. Maybe this is a regional thing....?
 

Lisa loves Pooh

DIS Veteran
Joined
Apr 18, 2004
poohandwendy said:
LOL, this is off topic, but do people really serve their spouses dinner already plated for them? Like a restaurant? We serve ourselves after all of the food is placed on the table. You know...like ''pass the peas, gravy, etc''. Maybe this is a regional thing....?

We serve in the kitchen. I'm too darn lazy to move it all to the dining table and the kids are 2 and almost 5. Perhaps when they are older we will move it all to the table. Sometimes I fix hubby's plate--sometimes I don't. Depends on what we are having (how complicated it will be to place food on his plate in other words) or if I am just feeling nice.
 

poohandwendy

DIS Veteran
Joined
Feb 18, 2001
We serve in the kitchen. I'm too darn lazy to move it all to the dining table and the kids are 2 and almost 5. Perhaps when they are older we will move it all to the table. Sometimes I fix hubby's plate--sometimes I don't. Depends on what we are having (how complicated it will be to place food on his plate in other words) or if I am just feeling nice.
LOL, we sometimes do that...and on occasion I will make my DHs plate for him...but not a regular thing.

(my kids are all older, so they set and clear the table...makes it much easier..)
 

cgcw

<font color=cc0099>On the blinkie Crocs foot-fetis
Joined
Jul 28, 2000
I don't "teach my DH a lesson", ever. In fact, I don't "teach my children a lesson" either. There is too much power & control in that statement.

I guide them, I help them, I point things out. But, there is no need to "teach them a lesson". We can all learn from our mistakes and shortcomings, but the changes can be approached in a positive way.
 

cats7494

"Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but th
Joined
May 26, 2004
jgmklmhem,

I respectfully completely disagree.
I do not teach my Dh lessons nor does he teach me lessons. We are upfront and honest with each other. Sure we may disagree on things - as do all couples - but we keep it all out in the open.

In a marriage, you should be equal, mature, respectful, and loving adults who have chosen to be together. There is no room in a marriage for one person to act as the "parent."
 

Toby'sFriend

The thing about growing up with Fred and George is
Joined
Jan 9, 2001
:confused3

I don't know. I mean DH and I certainly both have our bad habits. I can't think of either of us playing around like that however. Old Fashioned screaming, pouting, and slamming around the house works just fine for us. :rotfl:
 

Missy1961

Knows who did it and why
Joined
Jul 19, 2000
cgcw said:
I don't "teach my DH a lesson", ever. In fact, I don't "teach my children a lesson" either. There is too much power & control in that statement.

I guide them, I help them, I point things out. But, there is no need to "teach them a lesson". We can all learn from our mistakes and shortcomings, but the changes can be approached in a positive way.

I totally agree with this! Great post!
 









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