Spinoff: Marriage, when do you know it is over?

[rwdavis2]

You have no obligation to stay in an emotionally abusive marriage no matter what the uber-traditionalists here say. Throwing things at you? Nope. Repeat after me: "Treat me like a human being you love and respect or I am out the door."

This. Scrape'm off and move on.

 

[Scornelius]

But if we replace husband and put "her child" in the story.

I bet you would be singing her praises of devotion for her child that she love so dearly.

Actually, no. If someone sat next to their disabled child every single day for 40+ years, never going beyond the doctor, church and grocery store, I'd think that was tragic as well. Loving someone and supporting them unconditionally does not mean a life without any fun, friends or escape.

 

[donaldbuzz&minnie]

My neighbor was diagnosed with Type I diabetes a few years ago. The minute she found out, she changed her diet and started exercising. She takes responsibility for managing a very unfair fate and works hard to control her condition as best as she can.

Unless your husband's entire personality changed when he was diagnosed - and he instantly went from being a responsible, sweet, caring, giving man to an abusive, sneaky, manipulative child - I don't think diabetes can be blamed as the real source of his problem. And if he's sneaking cookies and refusing to even monitor his blood sugar, he is, at the very least, responsible for causing much of his current suffering. He absolutely is making sure that you are suffering more than he is, since he is being taken care of, and you are doing all the work.

I know that depression is not to be taken lightly, but from what you've described, I doubt that his depression is also nothing more than another bit of rotten luck. Just as his diabetes is probably some combination of genetics and life choices, depression can be too. Simply put, depression can be an outcome of running from truth.

Apparently everything in his world seems to be everyone else's fault or responsibility but his. In his worldview, he has a disease that he can't and shouldn't have to do anything about except ignore, and a horrible wife who doesn't take good enough care of him. His severe depression justifies, in his mind, any bit of angry, entitled, abusive behavior he cares to inflict on the woman he "loves". So given how much he is in denial about every important aspect of his life, offloading every problem he has to others, I'd be shocked if he wasn't diagnosed with depression.

So please take very good care of yourself. In a really sick way, he is certainly taking excellent care of himself, no matter what he extracts from you to get it. (My friend calls that "a vacuum cleaner personality!")

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Just a quick update, and clarification. I would never want something bad to happen to him. Actually his childish behavior makes me feel sorry for him.

We fought all weekend, tomorrow being a holiday I can assume it is going to carry on through that day as well. He told me once this weekend that he is "done" with me. Of course he has since retracted that statement. I didn't tell him I've already seen 2 lawyers and have paperwork filled out now ready to give back to one of them.

His new angle tonight to fight was, he started hinting at accusing me of having an affair... with my cousin. He is like "you two sure are talking a lot here lately" and "there has to be a reason you two are all of a sudden so close" and of course the "I'm just sayin' line". I tried to laugh it off and was like don't worry we aren't plotting anything anything against you. You have been watching too much ID Channel. I am more than deeply insulted by his comments. This is how we left it tonight before he went to bed.

 

[tcufrog]

You mentioned that he verbally abuses you and throws things at you from his wheelchair. The only reason why he doesn't do anything worse to you physically is because he can't. His doctor is trying to get him to the point though where he can walk again. Once he can walk again you will be in danger. You need to leave him safely before then.

 

[knewton64]

Just a quick update, and clarification. I would never want something bad to happen to him. Actually his childish behavior makes me feel sorry for him.

We fought all weekend, tomorrow being a holiday I can assume it is going to carry on through that day as well. He told me once this weekend that he is "done" with me. Of course he has since retracted that statement. I didn't tell him I've already seen 2 lawyers and have paperwork filled out now ready to give back to one of them.

His new angle tonight to fight was, he started hinting at accusing me of having an affair... with my cousin. He is like "you two sure are talking a lot here lately" and "there has to be a reason you two are all of a sudden so close" and of course the "I'm just sayin' line". I tried to laugh it off and was like don't worry we aren't plotting anything anything against you. You have been watching too much ID Channel. I am more than deeply insulted by his comments. This is how we left it tonight before he went to bed.

Years ago, I bought a BRAND NEW comforter set/bedding, new pillows, new pillow covers, etc for our (soon to be mine) queen bed.



one night, as my 3 yr old daughter (with 4 legs) , jumped up onto the new bedding to sniff it, I remarked, "THIS IS YOUR SIDE OF THE BED & THIS IS MINE."

She, looking at me as if to say,
.....so I clarified it again.




FLASH FORWARD TO OVERNIGHT:

In the middle of a dead sleep, I rolled over and promptly heard a loud sloshing sound and I woke up to find my hand right smack dab in the middle of a great big ol pile of dog pee.





FLASH FORWARD TO 6 DAYS LATER:

Later on that night, my then soon to be ex yelled at me to COME UP STAIRS.
So I did and asked her what was the matter?

To wit she put the pillow to her face that 'Ladybug' the dog had p'ed on , brought it down & screamed, "I KNOW YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR!! I SMELL PERFUME!!"


I was in the process of trying to explain ......
but watching her just inhale and inhale that dog pee from that pillow just made me stop and smile........
Then all of a sudden, I had one of those "ah ha" moments ya know??



One of those light bulb moments when I finally realized that it was time for me to move on and away from such torment......such an abusive relationship that I knew I needed to break away from before it was too late.


It has now been 10 years (June 2004) and I couldn't be any happier. Chosen NOT to remarry and life is soooooooooooooooooo much better since I exited such an abusive relationship that like you/yours.....broke me into so many pieces.




Me insulted?? Nah. I thought it was quite funny to actually witness the complete meltdown of someone whom you thought you entrusted your life with via your marital vows just to see them be so selfish and self centered, etc.


ANYHWHO -
So my question to you is........when is enuf "enuf' for you??
Through it all, good luck to you and yes, if you want to pm me - feel free.






T.T.F.N.
&
CHEERS Y'ALL

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

To wit she put the pillow to her face that 'Ladybug' the dog had p'ed on , brought it down & screamed, "I KNOW YOU ARE HAVING AN AFFAIR!! I SMELL PERFUME!!"


I was in the process of trying to explain ......
but watching her just inhale and inhale that dog pee from that pillow just made me stop and smile........
Then all of a sudden, I had one of those "ah ha" moments ya know??

Wow

I couldn't help but laugh about that one.

 

[kellyg403]

If life is miserable every.single.day and the fighting is non stop over silly, stupid things it is time for a break imho.

I know that there are those that say for better/worse, once you marry its forever. I believe in that yes, as long as BOTH parties subscribe to the theory. If one doesn't, why continue on that path?

Marriage is based on love, respect, kindness. Not disrespect, unkindness and hate. I can love somebody all I want, but I don't have to live with them or stay married to them while I am a martyr.

If your dh is not willing to face his part of the struggle, then nothing you can do. He has chosen how he plans to live, now you have to understand this is what it will be, no changes and decide. If you decide to stay, care for him because of the 'sickness/health' then you have to be in 100%. If you can't continue with zero changes happening, I think you have your answer.

Kelly

 

[sunshinehighway]

Just a quick update, and clarification. I would never want something bad to happen to him. Actually his childish behavior makes me feel sorry for him.

We fought all weekend, tomorrow being a holiday I can assume it is going to carry on through that day as well. He told me once this weekend that he is "done" with me. Of course he has since retracted that statement. I didn't tell him I've already seen 2 lawyers and have paperwork filled out now ready to give back to one of them.

His new angle tonight to fight was, he started hinting at accusing me of having an affair... with my cousin. He is like "you two sure are talking a lot here lately" and "there has to be a reason you two are all of a sudden so close" and of course the "I'm just sayin' line". I tried to laugh it off and was like don't worry we aren't plotting anything anything against you. You have been watching too much ID Channel. I am more than deeply insulted by his comments. This is how we left it tonight before he went to bed.

The cousin thing is just going way too far. Either he's just being nasty to be nasty or he's trying to isolate you from people. Both are unacceptable. You deserve a life, fun, happiness...all of it. Stop getting sucked in by his games. He's just looking to argue and manipulate you.

 

[kellyg403]

Actually, no. If someone sat next to their disabled child every single day for 40+ years, never going beyond the doctor, church and grocery store, I'd think that was tragic as well. Loving someone and supporting them unconditionally does not mean a life without any fun, friends or escape.

Agreed. Child or spouse, abuse should not happen. I would be more tolerant of a child but a grown spouse already has a mother...that is not the wives job.

Kelly

 

[JanaDee]

But if we replace husband and put "her child" in the story.

I bet you would be singing her praises of devotion for her child that she love so dearly.

No, I would find that just as sad and tragic.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

This morning started out as I expected, he had a big fit.

I spent a little while after that getting some stuff out of the house that could not be replaced. I took out some collectables, and old photo albums I had from my grandparents. I think he almost has to know that I am up to something. I told him I was cleaning and wanted to get some stuff together to have a yard sale. I am not sure he is buying that story.

The rest of the day went well because I did what he wanted me to do for most of it. I sat and watched TV with him. Since I did exactly what he wanted, he was pacified and happy. Spending the day watching TV w/him is fine, but he also expects the housework to get done. I cannot be 2 places at once, I can either sit with him OR get that stuff done that needs to be done.

 

[ronandannette]

This morning started out as I expected, he had a big fit.

I spent a little while after that getting some stuff out of the house that could not be replaced. I took out some collectables, and old photo albums I had from my grandparents. I think he almost has to know that I am up to something. I told him I was cleaning and wanted to get some stuff together to have a yard sale. I am not sure he is buying that story.

The rest of the day went well because I did what he wanted me to do for most of it. I sat and watched TV with him. Since I did exactly what he wanted, he was pacified and happy. Spending the day watching TV w/him is fine, but he also expects the housework to get done. I cannot be 2 places at once, I can either sit with him OR get that stuff done that needs to be done.

Honestly Kathryn, in your last couple of posts you're beginning to sound like you see yourself as a bit if a "helpless victim". As difficult as we all acknowledge that your choices are, you certainly DO have options from a variety of approaches that would make a difference. You had the perfect opportunity to begin seriously discussing your marriage when he threatened to "leave you" and apparently you chose to side-step it and appease him thereby continuing the toxic cycle. Please recognize your own part in this - you can change it TODAY.

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Honestly Kathryn, in your last couple of posts you're beginning to sound like you see yourself as a bit if a "helpless victim". As difficult as we all acknowledge that your choices are, you certainly DO have options from a variety of approaches that would make a difference. You had the perfect opportunity to begin seriously discussing your marriage when he threatened to "leave you" and apparently you chose to side-step it and appease him thereby continuing the toxic cycle. Please recognize your own part in this - you can change it TODAY.

I do have to live with this until at least the end of the week. My lawyer said he wouldn't have the papers finished until then.

It is going to cost me some money, but I am getting all the paperwork in order. I don't want to leave any "t's" uncrossed or any "i's" un-dotted. I need to protect myself financially if anything else. I am willing to do some counseling in the "in-between", just because he signs off on it doesn't mean it has to be filed right away. I am willing to sit on it for a while to see if things might be salvageable. I seriously doubt things can be fixed, but I am willing to try. Signing the paper is essential to the whole thing. If he won't, I fear this could get ugly.

 

[ronandannette]

I do have to live with this until at least the end of the week. My lawyer said he wouldn't have the papers finished until then.

It is going to cost me some money, but I am getting all the paperwork in order. I don't want to leave any "t's" uncrossed or any "i's" un-dotted. I need to protect myself financially if anything else. I am willing to do some counseling in the "in-between", just because he signs off on it doesn't mean it has to be filed right away. I am willing to sit on it for a while to see if things might be salvageable. I seriously doubt things can be fixed, but I am willing to try. Signing the paper is essential to the whole thing. If he won't, I fear this could get ugly.

So you're thinking that you'll get DH to sign the divorce papers and then hold them in abeyance to do counselling and see if anything is salvageable? Why on earth would he agree to sign if he had any intentions of working on his behaviours and/or does not agree to ending your marriage?

 

[Kathryn Merteuil]

Maybe I am crazy. I just thought of it last night, maybe that is a bad idea?

Reason being... last night he asked me "I am doing better now aren't I"? Yes, he did fine last night. I am starting to feel guilty again about wanting to leave. I guess one decent evening w/o fighting doesn't make a marriage.

 

[Disney Doll]

Difficult decision to make but I also suggest you get a handle on your finances and continue to remove those things from the house that have sentimental value for you.

I would have to agree with the PP who said that if he is able to forage around the house loking for forbidden foods, he's far mire capable of caring for himself than you think.

He's denigrated you to his family. So let them come and deal with him. But I would also agree that at a certain point, you are going to need to
Fish or cut bait here. No god that I know of wants anyone to live in an abusive relationship where you are at risk for injury.

 

[sunshinehighway]

Maybe I am crazy. I just thought of it last night, maybe that is a bad idea?

Reason being... last night he asked me "I am doing better now aren't I"? Yes, he did fine last night. I am starting to feel guilty again about wanting to leave. I guess one decent evening w/o fighting doesn't make a marriage.

I understand you are in a difficult position.
It's starting to sound like the two of you are just playing a codependent game. If you want the fighting to stop, if you want things to change, you have to stop with the behavior that feeds the negativities. Maybe that means changing how you deal with him, maybe it means divorce. You have to figure that out and stick with it.

 

[ronandannette]

Maybe I am crazy. I just thought of it last night, maybe that is a bad idea?

Reason being... last night he asked me "I am doing better now aren't I"? Yes, he did fine last night. I am starting to feel guilty again about wanting to leave. I guess one decent evening w/o fighting doesn't make a marriage.

I understand you are in a difficult position.
It's starting to sound like the two of you are just playing a codependent game. If you want the fighting to stop, if you want things to change, you have to stop with the behavior that feeds the negativities. Maybe that means changing how you deal with him, maybe it means divorce. You have to figure that out and stick with it.

Agree. OP, besides secretly preparing divorce papers and removing your valuables from the house have you done ONE SINGLE THING to let him know how serious this situation is and/or changed your own behaviour in response to his?

 

[Andtototoo]

Maybe I am crazy. I just thought of it last night, maybe that is a bad idea?

Reason being... last night he asked me "I am doing better now aren't I"? Yes, he did fine last night. I am starting to feel guilty again about wanting to leave. I guess one decent evening w/o fighting doesn't make a marriage.

Okay, here goes:

He's playing you like a fiddle. People like this figure out -- consciously or unconsciously -- just how far and for how long they can push people. When they realize the person is ready to check out, they "fix" the problem for a period of time to haul the person back in. There will be a honeymoon period when they pretend to be fixed for a while until the other person relaxes and re-invests in the relationship. Then they will revert to their former ways. The other person hesitates to make a "big deal" over the reversion, hoping it's just temporary and also because the other person has taught them not to confront them because drama ensues. The fiddler then has the person right back at square one. This can go on FOREVER. Literally, forever.

I have watched people do this for decades. Upclose and personal, I watched my father do this to my mother for over 20 years. TWENTY YEARS. Do you want to live a half life for that long? Do you want to look back and realize, sadly and with great regret, that you wasted your life being played? Because that's what my mother did.

Whether it's husband and wife, siblings, or friends -- in a relationship like these, there is a fiddler and a bow string. As long as the bow string doesn't break, the fiddler will keep playing indefinitely.